Chapter Text
Jack didn’t hate Kent. Honestly, he really didn’t. Neither one of them was blameless in what happened between them. There were things that had hurt in the moment, and some of them still stung. Jack had no doubt that he hadn’t been good for him. There were things he’d like to say, if he ever got the chance and if he ever had the nerve. But some of those things would be apologies. Because he knew there were moments when he had been a dick too. And he really didn’t wish any ill-will on him. No, Jack didn’t hate Kent.
Sometimes when he saw that smug expression on his face, though, he did want to throw something at him.
They lost the game. Aces 3, Falconers 2. And on top of the disappointment and nagging feeling of inadequacy that he experienced after every loss, Jack had to admit, he was angry. The look of superiority that Parse had shot him when it was all over had made his blood boil in a way he hadn’t felt in a really, really long time.
He tried to convince himself that it wouldn’t bug him so much if it had been a fair loss. But that had been a dirty play, and Parse knew it. He had always been like that. He always had to be better. After all this time, Parse still couldn’t stand to lose to Jack. He had done whatever necessary to get a leg up over him again. Of course, the truth was that Jack couldn’t honestly say he was much better. He’d wanted to beat Kent too. But he’d like to think he wouldn’t have injured the Aces goalie to achieve it.
The atmosphere in the locker room was tense. More so than after a normal loss. Jack just wanted to get out of there. He wanted to go home and talk to Bitty and find a way to soothe the rage simmering somewhere beneath the surface, because he didn’t like feeling this way. He was tired of letting Kent make him feel this way.
“Zimmboni.”
Jack looked up to see Tater approaching him. “Hey, Tater.” He sighed. The whole team had been pissed after the incident with Parse, but no one more so than Tater. “How are you doing?”
“How you think?” Tater responded, lacking his usual lighthearted tone.
“I know what you mean.” Jack said.
“Parson.” Tater said. “He was your friend?”
Jack hesitated. “Yeah.” He said finally. “Something like that.”
“Hope you have better friends now.”
Jack almost smiled. “Yeah, I do, Tater.”
“Good.” Tater said, looking satisfied. “Don’t let loss get you down. Is upsetting, but is just one game, yeah? Past is past. Parson is rat, but not important.”
He was right. In fact, Jack predicted that Bitty was going to say something similar. He just had to get his stupid irrational brain to believe it. “Thanks.” Jack told Tater sincerely. “You going to be okay tonight?”
“Oh, yes.” Tater dismissed. “I’ve faced worse than Parson.”
“Okay.” Jack said. “I’m going to try to get out of here and head home. I’ll see you at practice.”
Tater nodded. “Have good night, Zimmboni.” He said.
“You too.” Jack told him, and he turned and walked out of the locker room.
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.”
That was the first thing Bitty said when his face appeared on Jack’s computer screen. Jack had been hesitant to call him at first – it was awfully late – but he’d had a text message waiting for him when he’d gotten out of the shower. I’ll be up for a while if you need me.
And, well…he did.
Jack managed to smile at him. It was amazing how much better just the sight of Bitty made him feel. “Hey, Bits.” He said. “I suppose you watched the game?”
Bitty nodded. “Lardo and I watched it. Lord, that play Parson made. I don’t know what the refs were thinking.”
Jack shrugged. “It’s a rough sport.” He said. “It’s not uncommon.”
“I know, but still.”
They lapsed into silence for a minute, Jack picking idly at his bedsheets, until Bitty said, “Did you talk to him?”
Jack snorted. “No.” He said. Then he added, “I thought about it. But there were too many people around for us to really get into it, and…it just wouldn’t be a good idea. The press went in so hard on the whole ‘Parson vs Zimmermann’ angle. The last thing we needed was to feed into it by getting into some kind of fight.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Bitty sighed. “I thought Tater was going to deck him.”
“Yeah, me too, for a minute there.” Jack admitted. “I’ve never seen him like that. He’s usually a pretty even-tempered guy. It takes a lot to get him that angry. I talked to him after the game, and it seemed like he’d calmed down. And Snowy’s okay.”
“That’s good.” Bitty said. “And what about you? How’re you doing?”
Jack hesitated, thinking this question over. “I was angry.” He admitted. “And I wish…I wish he didn’t still have the power to make me that angry. I really have moved past it, you know? I’m so much happier now than I was back then. I feel better about myself, I have friends, I have a team that supports me…I have you. There’s not a doubt in my mind that I’m better off. And I don’t really miss him? Like, I don’t…I don’t really want him back in my life. I don’t spend my time thinking about him, not anymore. But then he can just turn up out of the blue and rip me apart, and I don’t know why I can’t just let it go.”
“He hurt you.” Bitty said. “Oh, don’t give me that look, I know he hurt you. You can talk about how ‘it was just physical’ all you want, but I know you. Kent Parson hurt you. And he knows how to reopen those wounds.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Jack sighed. “But I probably hurt him too.”
“Maybe you did, but that doesn’t make it okay.” Bitty said. “I heard what he said to you at the Epikegster last year, remember? And look, I…I don’t pretend to know everything about the condition of your relationship. Not beyond what you’ve told me. So I don’t know whether that conversation was the norm, or if that was just a particularly bad day. But I can’t say it endeared him to me. He said awful things to you, Jack. And just because you may not be totally innocent in the overall situation either, that doesn’t mean you just have to be okay with it.”
Jack gave him a small smile. “I love you, you know that?” He said. “Even though I think you give me more credit than I deserve.”
“I love you too, but don’t change the subject.”
“I’m not, I promise.” Jack said. “I just think it’s worth noting how lucky I am to have you.” Bitty smiled back at him. “And I’ll be alright.” Jack promised. “I can shake it off and get some sleep and feel better in the morning. I just wish it wasn’t all still hanging over my head. I mean, I can’t exactly avoid him all the time, can I? Not with both of us playing in the NHL now. There are going to be more games like this one, and the thought of having to go on this emotional rollercoaster every time is…exhausting.”
“You want closure. That makes sense.” Bitty said. After a thoughtful pause, he said, “You still have his number, right?”
“Parse? I think so. Why?”
“Well…you could call him. Talk about it and see if you can find that closure you want. Whatever you need to say.”
Jack almost laughed. “Bitty…we’ve never talked about it. Like…even when he was happening, we didn’t really talk about it. It just sort of happened. There was an unspoken rule between us that it wasn’t something we discussed out loud.”
“I think you’re literally proving my point, honey. Maybe you need to finally talk about it.”
There was probably wisdom in what he was saying. Jack had spent a lot of time thinking about what he wished he could say. He just wasn’t sure it would be that simple. “I don’t think he’ll want that.” He said.
“You could at least try. Get what you need to say off your chest. If he doesn’t want to listen, well, that’s on him.”
“I’ll think about it.” Jack said after a moment.
And he did. After his call ended with Bitty, he found he wasn’t able to do anything but think about it. And finally, after staring at his bedroom wall for what felt like an eternity, he decided, why not? What did he have to lose? It wasn’t like Kent could tell anyone what he said without outing himself too. And he didn’t really think he would do that anyway.
Jack called Kent.
The call went through, and rang once, and then halfway through the second ring, he was sent to voicemail. Kent had declined his call. Jack resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Of course Kent blew through town, made a scene, and then dodged his calls. The fucking drama queen. Well, maybe a voicemail was better anyway.
“Kent.” Jack said after the tone rang out. “It’s Jack. I just, uh…”
Crap. He probably should have thought more about what exactly he was going to say before he made the call.
“I’m not calling to talk about the game. Although we both know what I should say about it. Snowy’s fine, but I’d be careful around Tater if you see him again. He’s a nice guy, but he’s angry and I’m fairly certain he could destroy you. Anyway…I’m calling because…someone close to me keeps telling me I need to talk about stuff more, and I think it’s long past time that we talk about…everything. And if you’re not going to answer, then I guess I’ll just talk for both of us. So, here goes.”
He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for a lot of things. I know I wasn’t exactly the best friend, or…whatever we were. And after the draft I didn’t really talk to you, I just shut you out, and that was shitty of me. There were a lot of things between the two of us that I could have done differently, and a lot of ways that I should have been better, and owe you an apology for all of that. I really am sorry. I’m trying to do better. I know that doesn’t do you much good, since all that is over between us now, but…I still want you to know.”
This was going alright. He pushed on. “But all of that being said, I want to be clear that you hurt me too. In a lot of different ways. I think you know that. I…wasn’t in the best place back then, and you didn’t exactly help with that. You always knew how to get past my defenses, and where I was vulnerable. You knew what would get to me, and how much damage it could do, because I told you what I was going through, and you just went ahead and did it. It fucked me up on more than one occasion. You have no idea how hard it’s been to get past all that. Some of the stuff you’ve said to me…some of it was really not okay.”
This was a voicemail, he reminded himself. He had to wrap it up. He cleared his throat and said, “Look, I just needed to get that off my chest. I’m not looking to cause any trouble. I just wanted to finally tell you how I feel. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I get it. We never have to speak of it again, unless you have stuff you want to say too. There’s, um…there’s someone else in my life now? And I think they’re good for me. And I might be good for them too. I’m a lot happier than I used to be. And I want that for you, too. I hope you can find that someday. I guess I’ll see you on the ice again sometime, eh? I…I hope you’re okay.” He paused. “Bye, Kenny.”
He hung up and fell back on his bed with a heavy sigh, looking up at the ceiling. After lying there for a few moments, he looked at his phone again and texted Bitty. I left Kent a message.
Bitty responded almost immediately. And how do you feel?
Like I need to sleep for three days, Jack texted back. Then he added: But better.
Good for you, Jack. Now get some rest.
Jack smiled. He didn’t need telling twice.
There was no response from Kent the next morning, or in the days that followed. Jack hadn’t honestly expected there to be. That was okay. He had done what he needed to do. He couldn’t force Kent to do anything. If Kent ever reached out, he’d listen, and he’d be open to a conversation if that’s what he wanted. If not, that was Kent’s choice. Jack didn’t think Kent would return his call, and he doubted that Kent would ever choose to discuss it at all.
He was half right.