Chapter Text
Professors Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, the two newest instructors of Defense Against the Dark Arts and guardians of Harry Potter himself, were supposed to be readying the classroom for fifth year Ravenclaws. Instead, they were arguing. Loudly.
It was quite the lovers spat, if gossip were to be believed.
And, if Harry knew his guardians as well as he did, he believed that the gossip was a bit of an understatement.
It hadn't taken long for the rumors of an argument between the two newest--and, apparently, fittest--professors to spread through the castle. So when Harry, Ron, and Hermione arrived at the classroom, they figured the argument couldn't have been more than a few minutes old.
Harry heard them even before he reached the classroom door. Their voices were muffled, but loud enough that the closed door wasn't much of a barrier.
The Ravenclaws who were to begin class in a few minutes time were grouped nearby, watching the door with scrutinizing eyes. A few of them were debating what the argument could be about, some going as far as to share notes and theories about the suspected relationship between their two instructors.
Harry moved around the Ravenclaws, Ron and Hermione following, and stood just outside the door.
Even with the debate carrying on behind him, and additional passing students muttering worriedly as they walked by, Harry could clearly hear the two voices raging from within the class.
There's Sirius, he thought, frowning at the string of muffled, growled words that leaked through the door.
There was a pause before a cold voice answered, beginning low then rising before the sentence ended. And there's Remus.
The yelling continued.
Next to him, Ron cursed.
"Ron," Hermione admonished, though she seemed on the verge of such an exclamation herself. She turned wide eyes on Harry and bit her lip.
"I'll talk to them," Harry said.
"They're not going to kill each other, are they?" Ron asked. He seemed vaguely awestruck.
Hermione glared at him. "Oh, don't be ridiculous."
"Can't say for sure," Harry said. Hermione stared at him. "Well, whatever Sirius did was enough to get Remus to yell. Next step is murder."
His friends stared after him as he opened the door.
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Harry entered the room and shut the door behind him.
"You know," he said, raising his voice, "If you want those 'lewd stories' about you two going around to stop, this isn't helping at all."
They stopped yelling once he began speaking, and stared at him. Remus stood behind their shared desk, one fist planted against the desktop as if he'd just slammed it there to make a point. On the other side of the desk was Sirius, his face twisted in anger, fists clenched at his sides.
"I'm pretty sure I saw a Hufflepuff writing notes for a new fanfiction."
Harry held his ground under the stony stares, trepidation warring with amusement within him.
"This is not a good time, Harry," Remus said. He straightened up and clasped his hands behind his back and very obviously avoided looking at Sirius. "Sirius and I were having a discussion--"
"Yeah, I know," Harry said. "All of Hogwarts knows now, actually. You can ask the Ravenclaws for their theories on what you were 'discussing.'"
Remus's cheeks colored. Sirius narrowed his eyes.
"I have class in a few minutes," Remus muttered, running a hand through his hair. "I can't believe I--are they outside? Listening? Sirius, we'll continue this later--"
"If you get your hands on one of those fanfictions," Sirius said, cutting Remus off with a wave of his hand. He pointed at Harry. "You bring it to me. I don't know where they get off thinking Remus wears the pants in this relationship, but--"
"Sirius. There are more important things than those ridiculous stories--"
"Yeah, you can say that, you're not the one they're having acting like a bloody--"
"Will you stop--"
"Not until you stop with those stupid ideas--"
"Stupid? They're practical. Dammit, Sirius, I know what I'm doing--"
"I don't think we've made any progress here?" Harry raised his voice again, repeating what he'd heard Remus say a billion times at home. That usually calmed things down.
Apparently, it was only effective when Remus said it.
Without looking at him, Sirius stalked to the door, yanked it open, snapped "Class canceled, go study somewhere" at disappointed Ravenclaws, shut the door, waited for Remus to flick his wand and cast a silencing charm, then returned to his previous spot in front of the desk facing his partner.
Remus flicked his wand at the window for good measure and nodded. He raised an eyebrow at Sirius. "Tea?"
"Yeah, yeah," Sirius huffed, planting his fists on the desktop while he waited.
"Harry," Remus said, busy summoning two mugs and a kettle. "Why don't you go with Ron and Hermione and go over that paper on Grindylows I know you haven't worked on yet. Biscuit, Sirius?"
Sirius took the biscuit and stuffed it in his mouth with much enthusiasm while Remus dipped some tea bags into the steaming mugs. With a sigh, Harry turned to leave. Just as he opened the door to his two wide eyed friends, he heard Sirius mutter "thanks" and Remus respond with "of course" before they resumed their arguing with renewed vigor.
"Well," Harry said, closing the door, the hall now silent thanks to a blessed silencing charm. "Turns out I'm a good referee for all of five seconds."
"They're still going at it?" Ron asked.
"They'll probably be going at it for a while." Harry sighed and rubbed at his forehead and added before he could stop himself, "I just hope they remember to use the silencing charm tonight when they make up."
He heard a squeak from a group of passing, blushing students and silently cursed. Sirius was going to kill him.