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Sara woke with a jolt, covered in a sheen of cold sweat and breathing heavily. Another Ivo nightmare , she thought bitterly, wiping the sweat from her brow, but instead of feeling nauseous and as though her skin was crawling like she usually did after Ivo nightmares, she startled at how angry she was. She shuddered as violent images of bloody knives, bloody hands, bloody bodies flashed through her mind, and she threw the covers off of herself, scrambling out of bed and away from her groggy and confused fiancée.
Restless, Sara paced around the room, shaking out her hands and squeezing her eyes shut tight against the onslaught of self-destructive urges. Her bloodlust hadn’t been this bad in so long, and she was struggling to keep the angry, restless energy at bay. She took a deep breath. In for five, out for five. The bloodlust surged again as she released her breath, and she growled lowly, fighting the urge to tear apart their room as more violent images accosted her mind.
“Babe?” Ava asked, voice soft and concerned, “Are you okay?”
Sara grunted, shaking her head and digging her nails roughly into her palms as she continued pacing, breathing heavily.
“Bloodlust?” Ava guessed, catching a brief glance of the barely-restrained anger present in Sara’s eyes. At Sara’s nod, and the terrified expression on her face, Ava continued, “Are you having intrusive thoughts?”
Sara nodded again, screwing her eyes shut and bringing her fists up to rub at them, as if trying to wipe away the intrusive thoughts she was struggling against.
“I don’t wanna hurt anyone,” she choked out, taking in a deep breath and shaking her hands out again, “They’re so bad, Aves, please. I don’t— I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I don’t—”
“Shhh, hey, I know,” Ava said soothingly, coming to stand in front of Sara, “I know, baby, I know you don’t. Would it help to go to the gym and work out?”
“I hope so,” Sara said, voice small as she nodded and grabbed some workout clothes from her dresser.
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As they entered the gym, Ava grabbed a pair of focus mitts for herself and a pair of boxing gloves for Sara. She slid the focus mitts onto her hands and turned to Sara, holding her arms up. Sara’s eyes widened and she shook her hand, panic creeping up into her stomach.
“I can’t… I can’t— we can’t use those, I— I can’t risk hurting you.”
“Okay, that’s okay, baby,” Ava said, slipping the focus mitts off of her hands, “We don’t have to use them. Just use whatever you think will help you the most.”
Sara nodded, letting out a relieved breath as she stepped up to the wing chun dummy. She fell easily into the practiced routine that she had used so many times in the Foundry when she was part of Team Arrow. It helped for a while, and she lost herself in the motions and in the sounds of flesh against hard wood, but soon enough she began to get restless again.
More violent, bloody images flashed through her mind, and with one final, rough hit to the wing chun dummy, she stepped away, wiping the sweat from her brow and turning towards the punching bag with a vengeance. Ava stepped in quickly before she could start her workout again.
“Hey, baby, drink some water, okay?” she said, handing a large water bottle to Sara.
Sara took a large gulp of water before handing the bottle back to Ava and stepping closer to the punching bag.
“Babe, hey,” Ava stopped her again, holding up the pair of boxing gloves that Sara had discarded earlier, “Please wear these. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
Sara eyed them hesitantly. Part of her knew that Ava was right, but the other, more self-destructive part of her wanted nothing more than to discard them again and punch the bag until her knuckles were properly bloodied and bruised. She was about to, but the pleading look on Ava’s face made her pause. She grabbed the gloves with slightly shaky hands and slipped them on slowly, giving Ava a tight smile as she turned towards the punching bag once again.
She again fell into an easy rhythm, letting the punching bag ease the tension in her body as thoughts of bloodlust and violence began to slowly melt away. They were still there, in the back of her mind, constantly niggling and waiting to resurface to the forefront again, but the workout helped. The punching bag was comfortable, familiar; she had spent many a sleepless night in her life getting lost and drowning her thoughts out with the rhythmic thumping of her fists against the bag.
Snap. Thud. Thud. Snap. Snap. Snap.
One punch right after another landed against the leather of the punching bag. This was safe. She couldn’t make the punching bag bleed if she was too rough, and even if she happened to break it during her workout somehow, she could always get Gideon to fabricate a new one.
Sara continued, striking the bag harder and harder as more blood-soaked images fought their way towards the forefront of her mind. Sweat dripped down her brow and she was covered in a light sheen of it, but it still wasn’t enough. It wouldn’t be enough until her breathing was heavy, ragged; it wouldn’t be enough until sweat soaked through her workout clothes, and she had thoroughly worked herself out to the point of exhaustion.
Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood.
The bloodlust came back in full force with a vengeance, and as a particularly violent thought played on a loop in her mind, she punched the bag harder, attacking it with as much force as she possibly could.
Snap. Snap. Thud. Snap. Thud. Snap. Snap. Snap.
Sara snarled at the bag, breaths heaving as she exerted herself punch after punch after punch, until finally the violence of her thoughts reached its peak. With one last blow— the force of which being something that surely could’ve broken her hand had she not landed it properly— the bag ripped open, sand spilling out onto the floor in front of her.
“Fuck!” Sara yelled, grunting as she pushed the ripped bag, “God fucking dammit, piece of shit ! FUCK !”
“Baby, hey,” Ava said softly, stepping up in front of Sara, arms out. Sara swayed just slightly, leaning in a little closer to Ava, “Look at me. It’s okay. It’ll be okay, I promise. C’mere.”
She pulled Sara closer, and Sara collapsed into her, slinging an arm over her shoulder and holding onto her shirt with her still-gloved hands. Sara pressed her face against Ava’s neck, breathing in her scent as she tried to calm herself down. Her body felt heavy, and her muscles burned from the intensity of the workout, but she still couldn’t calm her racing mind, couldn’t quiet down the dark thoughts that raged on. She tried to keep her focus on Ava. She tried to let her fiancée’s comforting touch ground her, but the bloodlust and the anger and the frustration she felt still coursing through her veins made her restless.
Sara made a small, soft noise as she moved, resting her forehead against Ava’s clavicle. She took a few deep breaths, trying to fight the urge to pull away and do… something — she wasn’t sure what— but her restless energy soon won out.
She pulled away and shook her head as she started pacing and shaking out her hands, just as she had done earlier, back in their room. Walking over to the wall, she leaned against it, pressing her forehead against the cool metal and bringing her gloved hands up to block her face from view, not wanting Ava to see her pained expression.
Sara groaned, lightly hitting the wall with the side of her fist, thankful for the padding of the boxing glove.
“Fuck!” she yelled, hitting the wall harder, again and again, even with her tired, aching muscles.
“Baby? Are you okay?” Ava asked gently, concerned as she stepped up beside Sara, placing a hand on her shoulder.
“Just want it to fucking stop,” Sara said, voice thick with emotion. She hit the wall weakly one last time and then turned her head towards Ava, finally allowing her fiancée to see the pained expression on her face and the tears that had welled up in her eyes.
She dropped her hands heavily by her sides and slid her boxing gloves off before letting Ava pull her into a hug. She sighed, leaning into Ava’s embrace and sucking in a shaky breath.
“How bad is it now?” Ava asked softly, running her fingers through Sara’s damp hair.
“Not as bad as before,” Sara mumbled, voice slightly muffled against Ava’s shoulder, “I just want it to stop.”
“I know, honey, I’m sorry,” Ava said, pressing a kiss to the side of Sara’s head, “What can I do to help?”
“Just…” Sara breathed in deeply and held tighter to Ava, “Just hold me and let me ride it out.”
Ava felt Sara’s shoulders shake and her neck get wet as she lowered them both to sit on the floor. She adjusted her hold on Sara, wrapping her arms as tight around her as she possibly could, knowing that the pressure helped to ground her and calm her down. Sara clung to her, and Ava rocked them back and forth, feeling her heart shatter at the sight.
Another pained expression found its way onto Sara’s face and she grabbed onto Ava’s arms, simultaneously pulling them tighter around herself and struggling against their hold. She choked out a sob, letting out a small whimper at the intrusive thoughts she was still fighting.
Sensing that Sara was still holding back, Ava pressed a kiss to the side of Sara’s head and gave her a brief squeeze.
“Let it all out, baby,” Ava whispered. It wasn’t lost on her, the way Sara trembled in her arms and the heavy, ragged and shaky breaths she took. “Don’t hold it in. Let it out however you need to, okay, baby?”
Sara nodded as hot, angry, frustrated tears streamed down her face. She held tight to Ava’s arms, keeping them firmly wrapped around her while she struggled against them. She let out another sob, which quickly morphed into a heart-wrenching scream, which surely would have woken up most of the legends with how loud and painful it was.
The screams, now mixed with more sobs, continued, and Ava felt her heart break even more at the anguish so clearly written all over Sara’s face. Ava found herself momentarily surprised that none of the legends had come to see what all the noise was, but soon realized that they probably knew Sara well enough to know that she wouldn’t want any of them to see her like this; she figured that by now, they would all be laying in their beds, awake and listening to the faint screams, sound dampened only by the walls through which they heard them.
Sara continued, sobs morphing into screams and then back again, as she rode out the worst of the bloodlust and the anger. Ava’s heart broke again and again with each sob and each scream, but still she held tight to Sara, pressing gentle kisses to her head and whispering soft reassurances against her sweat-drenched hair. She briefly wondered how Sara’s voice hadn’t become shot yet, but the thought was soon gone from her mind as another sob ripped through, wracking her fiancée’s trembling body.
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It wasn’t until the early hours of the morning that Sara’s sobs turned to sniffles and her screams died down, voice becoming hoarse, rough and crackling from the excessive use.
“Sorry…” she said, voice nothing more than a whisper, the only thing she could manage.
“Don’t apologize, baby. Not for this,” Ava said softly, combing her hands through Sara’s hair, “You don’t have to apologize for something like this, okay?”
Sara nodded weakly, leaning heavily into Ava’s chest, completely sapped of all energy. She took a small amount of comfort from being in Ava’s arms, and she feebly settled her head against Ava’s neck.
She spent the next few hours mostly unresponsive, in and out of a dissociative state as Ava held her in the aftermath, rocking her back and forth and carding her hands gently through her still-damp hair.
It was only when Gideon informed them that the rest of the legends were making their way to the galley for breakfast that Sara became responsive again, getting up slowly and scrubbing a hand roughly over her face as she leaned against the wall. She lingered there for a moment, eyeing the door of the gym wearily as she tried to collect herself enough to join the team. Ava joined her against the wall, slipping her hand into Sara’s and squeezing gently.
“You don’t have to join the team for breakfast if you’re not up for it, baby,” Ava reminded her, “You can just go and lay down in our room if you want.”
“I know,” Sara rasped, although they both knew her well enough to know that she would do it anyway, whether she was actually up for it or not.
Sara took just one more moment to collect herself before walking out of the gym, Ava following close behind, to go meet the rest of the team in the galley.
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All eyes were on them as soon as they entered the galley, gazes filled with concern and sympathy directed at Sara, who avoided all of their gazes and instead focused on making herself a cup of chamomile tea with honey.
“Morning,” she croaked, her voice completely shot. She winced at the soreness of her throat.
“Cap, you look like hell,” Zari commented, earning a round of nods and agreements from the rest of the team.
“Gee, thanks, Z,” Sara rasped out, but the sarcastic tone didn’t have nearly as much of an effect when she could hardly get the words out.
“Listen, I’m just worried about you, Sara. I think you need rest right now more than you need a team breakfast. Go lay down. We’ll be fine for a day.”
Sara sighed as she finished making her tea. She looked up at Ava, who had come up beside her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
Not for the first time that morning, Ava noted how pale Sara was. The dark bags under Sara’s eyes and the way her hands still shook slightly did nothing to help combat Zari’s adequate description of the Captain’s appearance; she really did look like hell, and she undoubtedly felt even worse.
“Go lay down, baby,” Ava said softly, running a hand through Sara’s hair and smiling at the way Sara’s eyes fluttered closed at the touch, “I’ll be in to join you in a few minutes, okay? And here, babe, drink your tea, it’ll help with your throat.”
“‘Kay,” Sara murmured in concession, voice hoarse and scratchy. She winced again. Ava pulled her into a brief hug, pressing a soft kiss to her head, and she relaxed slightly.
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Sara was half-asleep by the time Ava entered their room, another steaming thermos of chamomile tea with honey in one hand, which she gently set down on Sara’s nightstand. Sara hummed lightly as Ava joined her in bed, and she rolled over, snuggling into Ava’s side and resting her head on Ava’s chest.
“Get some rest, my love,” Ava murmured softly, pressing a kiss to Sara’s forehead and bringing her hand up to run her fingers through Sara’s hair, “I’ll still be here when you wake up."
‘I love you,’ Sara signed with the hand she had resting against Ava’s abdomen.
Ava smiled, taking Sara’s hand in her free one and intertwining their fingers together before pressing a kiss to the back of it and squeezing it gently. She untangled their fingers and placed Sara's hand down lightly on her chest, covering it with her own and brushing her thumb back and forth across Sara's fingers.
“I love you too, sweetheart.”