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Ed couldn't stop thinking about his earlier conversation with Olivia that day. He wanted to be angry, so angry when she said she wished they had more time. But he was just heartbroken. They had been so close to forever and he knew she could feel that, too.
His one consolation was that if he had been with Liv and Noah right now then he didn't think he would have the strength to do what he needed to do. At least this way Noah would never have to deal with the loss. Liv wouldn't have to deal with taking care of a man dying of cancer. He had to believe in his heart that at least he had spared them that. Otherwise he would choke on his regrets.
When his phone chimed with a text message he almost ignored it, but then thought better of it. Really, how much longer did he have to talk to people? He couldn't afford to miss any moments while he still had them to spare.
His phone read: One message, Olivia Benson.
He toyed with his phone for a moment, seriously debating opening it or not.
He opened it.
I wanted to know if you wanted to come over and see Noah?
That really gave him pause. Yes. Yes, he wanted to see Noah, selfishly he wanted to see him.
I want to, Liv. But I think it's for the best if he doesn't remember me.
It was one of the hardest choices he'd ever made. Three years later and he still loved that boy. When he didn't hear back he figured that was that and went back to organizing his paperwork.
Five minutes later he received another text.
Do you want to come over and see me?
Oh, this was a very dangerous game. He could never be 100% sure with Olivia, but he thought he knew where this was going.
He told himself that he had a wife - a wife of only one month. He told himself that he didn't think he had the strength to say goodbye to Olivia twice. He didn't have the strength to say no either.
Yes, he wrote back.
And that's how two hours later he ended up on her doorstep. His hands were buried deep in his pockets and he felt more awkward and hopeful than he had ever been when they first started seeing each other.
He told himself that he was there as a friend. He told himself that he only had a few days left and saying no to her would feel too much like a lost opportunity. He told himself so many lies during the time it took for him to enter her apartment and the time it took for them to start kissing.
He had always been careful to move at Liv's pace and right now she was running full throttle and he was helpless to do anything but follow her lead.
That's how they ended up in her bedroom, panting heavily against each other, hands grasping and roaming and memorizing details he had never forgotten in the first place.
He still knew where to kiss her neck to make her groan with need. She still remembered that if she trailed her fingers up and down his spine that he would get hard almost immediately. And they both remembered how to make it last for hours.
And hours was all he had left to give her.
When all was said and done they were still wrapped around each other in her bed. He inhaled the light smell of her perfume while she clung to him like she never wanted to let go. The aftermath of making love to Olivia had always been so sweet.
Their lips kept meeting in lazy kisses. He'd pull back to look at her face, to trail his hands over her shoulders, her breasts, her ass. And then their lips would meet again in a soft kiss that would quickly turn into something more heated and they would start all over again.
He truly did not know where his sudden burst of stamina came from, but he was like a teenager with her again. Loving her over and over until she was trembling beneath him and his knees were weak from the feel of her pressed against him once more.
And tasting her. He had remembered how she tasted, but his memory could never live up to experience and he felt like he could sit at her feet and eat her out forever.
They barely spoke, which was different for them. There was no breathless 'I love you', no urging to stay 'right there, do that again', or 'you feel so good'. Their bodies were doing all the talking and they had a lot to say, it seemed.
At last they lay against her sheets, breathless and sweaty, and he couldn't help his smile because she was so particular about her sheets being clean. But she didn't move to get up and neither did he.
Liv's head rested against his shoulder and his arms were wrapped around her, her arm was hugging his middle giving b him leave to rest his chin against the top of her head. He thought he could feel her hot tears falling against him, but he remained silent. If he didn't say anything and she didn't say anything then the spell wouldn't be broken.
Neither of them fell asleep. He refused to look at the clock. He didn't want to see the hours passing by. He didn't want to practice what sort of lies he would have to tell Patty. He didn't want to leave. He just wanted to spend this time tracing her familiar curves and basking in her warm glow.
And that was why Olivia was so dangerous to him right now. Ed knew exactly what he needed to do before the cancer got too bad, but Olivia - Olivia made him want to stay, to live.
Finally, after the sun had risen and he could hear the sounds of New York waking up, he began to hear rummaging around the apartment and he knew that Noah was awake now and it was time for him to leave.
They sat up at the same time and both began searching for their clothes in silence. Once he was dressed he turned to her one last time.
More time, she had asked for. So he gave her what little he had left to give and it had still fallen short of the lifetime he wanted with her.
He stood at the doorway of her bedroom, not knowing how to say goodbye again. So instead they just kissed and, oh, how sweet her lips tasted to him.
She opened her mouth to speak but in the end she just closed it again and shook her head; her sadness was almost palpable, a sad broken piece of his heart was left cradled in her hands.
He nodded and snuck out of her bedroom, being careful not to run into Noah on his way out.
Outside her apartment he put one hand on her door. If he was a religious man he might have said a prayer for her. That touch was the closest he could get to telling her goodbye again.
Goodbye. I love you. Goodbye.
And as if his shoes were full of lead he walked out of her apartment and out of her life, and soon enough he knew he would be gone forever.