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Before getting married, they never really talked about dating. It just happened. It started with Alex scooting closer to Lena’s chair, so they can look at the same notepad, but not moving away. It started with Alex bringing Lena lunch. And Lena bringing her coffee.
It’s a Tuesday when Alex first really opens up to Lena. She only does it because Lena opened up to her. It’s a two-way street for both of them.
On that Tuesday, they spent the day making way with their project, but hit a wall. It happened during a much needed break.
Lena closed her notebook, capping her pen, Alex leaned back in her chair, rubbing her eyes, mumbling, “Fuck.”
Lena rubs Alex’s arm asking, “You good?” Alex nods, silently looking up to Lena. They catch eyes and just stare at each other. In the past, it was awkward. This time it’s not. Lena finds her bag, pulling out a container of brownies. She offers Alex one.
Alex gives her a look.
“I didn’t make them for you. I bake to destress. But you can have them.” Alex smiles, and takes one.
“No wonder you and Kara are such good friends. She’s never told me that about you.”
“Yeah? And what has she said about me?”
Alex shakes her head, “Not much. She wanted me to make my own judgments.”
“And?”
A moment of silence.
“You have the most beautiful minds of this generation. I’m lucky I get to spend so much time in the lab with you.”
Dumbstruck and wanting to cry, Lena manages to reply, “That’s very kind of you. You have a beautiful… mind as well.”
They’re now facing each other, sitting so close that their knees touch. Alex taps her pen and sings a song, quietly.
Lena looks at her, trying her best to not swoon. Alex doesn't notice. And even if she did, she wouldn’t think that someone like Lena would be into her.
“What song is that? It’s beautiful.”
Alex blushes, “It’s stupid.”
“It’s beautiful.”
“Shut up,” Alex jokes. Lena laughs.
“I’m not making fun of you.”
“I know.”
“So what song is it?”
Lena can tell Alex is reluctant to tell her, and she’s not about to push it. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“I’m embarrassed because it’s a song that I wrote.” Lena blinks, left speechless. Alex misunderstands, “I knew I shouldn't have told you.”
Lena shakes her head, “No, not it’s just that. I just can’t believe you’re also a talented songwriter, on top of being a fine, fit agent, and scientist. It’s… unfair.”
“Now you’re the one who’s being too kind. You have no business being jealous of anyone, anyway. Because you’re the most beautiful woman on the planet.”
HOLY FUCK. Alex kicks herself for saying that out loud. Lena doesn't mind. She honestly just gay panics.
“So you also play an instrument?” Lena inquires, and Alex is relieved for the whole ‘we’re going to ignore that for now’ change-of-subject.
Alex nods. Lmao she doesn’t want to talk about that either. Somehow, she doesn't necessarily mind talking to Lena about it. There’s something about the way Lena is when she asks. She can’t possibly be as interesting as Lena makes her out to be, can she?
“Nice.” If Alex wants to drop it, she’ll drop it. Alex is addicted to the way Lena manages to read her. Lena’s addicted to learning everything about Alex. They just don’t have the words for it yet.
Maybe Alex does want to talk about it, then. “I used to have a guitar, I’d take her to open mics and my songs at bars.”
“You?” Lena knows that Alex can see the gears turning in her head.
“It was a lifetime ago,” Alex offers. “I honestly don’t remember a lot of it. But I remember the songs, I guess. I mean, obviously.”
“We really don’t have to talk about this right now,” Lena offers, and Alex looks down at her hands, messing with her pen.
Lena rambles, “We can go back to the future of endoscope washers. Or I could go get us some coffee, or we can never talk about personal things ever again because I’ve clearly upset you and I need to shut my damn mouth. Maybe we can just call it a day. It’s getting late. I should go”
Alex doesn't look up. “Lena,” Alex sighs, “It’s fine. It’s not like that. I don’t want you to ever think that. I’m happy talking to you. It’s not you. It’s never you. I just don’t think about that time of my life much anymore.”
“Alex,” Lena gets her to look up, “Thank you.”
“For what?” Alex responds, and takes out her phone, seemingly scrolling forever. Eventually, she hands the phone to Lena. In the photo, Alex has long black hair, and she’s on a stage in a bar with her guitar. It’s distinctively spray painted by Alex, with a few stickers on it.
“Why are you torturing yourself with this? Let’s just take a break from it,” Lena suggests.
Alex shakes her head, “It’s okay. I do this thing where I focus really hard on a past event, or moment that caused me deep hurt. I like to check in with myself to see if it’s still painful. Like pressing on a bruise. Sometimes things have healed, and sometimes, they haven’t. But I like to check.”
Lena silently does it with a memory of her own. Damn. How is it that Alex knows just how to move her, down to her core?
“The guitar, my music, is still a bruise. And unfortunately, it still kind of hurts. It hurts a lot actually”
“I’m sorry,” Lena puts her hand on Alex’s and Alex immediately stops doodling. Neither woman moves. Up until now, every time they’ve touched, Lena’s reached out. They’re both facing the table now, and Alex leans her head on Lena’s shoulder.
“She got me through a tough time. She was there for me as a teenager, through college, everything. Every heartbreak, every good thing I did,” Alex begins, moving to hold Lena’s hand. They’re both staring straight ahead, leaning into each other. “And then I sold her to a pawn shop for drugs. For one high, I abandoned her.”
“Her?” Lena asks, “Did- Does she have a name?” Lena can feel Alex nod.
“Avril. Like Avril Lavigne. It’s so stupid, like I close my eyes and I can feel her. But I haven't played since. Not to be dramatic, but I guess once I started making money again I just never thought to buy one.”
“Maybe she’s out there, living a new life, making someone else's dreams come true.” Lena knows it sounds out of character. But it’s her.
“Lena…” Alex whispers.
“I know,” Lena matches Alex’s whisper. She feels it too. The gravity between them.
“I know it might ruin everything, and Kara might murder me, but I love you. It never needs to come up again if you don’t feel the same way, but I want to be honest with you, like Kara is, and it’s the truth. It doesn’t have to mean anything, but it’s the truth.”
“Alex…” Lena pulls back to look at Alex, who scoots back so they’re no longer touching. “If we do this,” she gestures between them, “I can only do it here. I can’t do it out there. And I’m not sure I’ll ever want to be public with my personal life, ever. And it’s not fair to you. But I’m not going to take the choice away from you.”
“We’re going to ruin everything. Kara---”
“Kara.”
“My sister has a crush on you.”
“I don’t want to talk about Kara right now.”
“I don’t want to hurt her. I know you don’t either.”
“I feel like we’ve spent long enough not talking about us, is all,” Lena exclaims, frustrated.
“You’re right. So let's decide right now. What are we going to do?” Alex buries her head in her hands, “what are we going to do?”
Lena scoots closer. And closer. Until they’re kissing. When it’s over, Lena breaks the silence.
“...I guess we can be friends who secretly hold hands… and kiss and tell each other everything.”
“It’s not a secret,” Alex begins, but sees the panic in Lena’s eyes, “No, I mean, I agree that it’s a private thing for now, but it’s just personal information.”
“So we’re on the same page, then,” Lena says, relieved. “Not to be dramatic but I’m a Luthor and we’re dramatic so fuck it. I want to be clear. I quite frankly feel like you hold my heart in your hands, and I don’t want anyone else to hold it.”
“...That is dramatic,” Alex teases, then seriously answers, “But I feel the same way. And I want to protect it. If that means we keep things private, then that’s what we do.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be the girl who holds her partner's hand in front of other people.”
“Lena. It’s okay. Me too. We both know it’s safer the fewer people who know, anyway. It’s enough for me, that you let me love you. That you care for me”
Lena’s never been told that she’s enough before. And it makes her cry. So she cries in Alex’s arms. It feels like home.
A month later, Alex enters Lena’s office and her greeting is, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Excuse me, Agent Danvers?” Lena responds, and then Jess closes the door behind Alex.
“Sorry. Hi. You’re beautiful, but you look horrible. Kara’s even said something. So what’s wrong?” Alex meets Lena halfway, and they share a hug.
Lena leads Alex to her couch, and as Alex sits, Lena stands in front of her, between her legs. “I did something bad.”
Alex sits up, “Luthor bad? What do you need?”
Lena rubs Alex’s shoulders, “I’m fine. Calm down. I’m sorry, I might have misused that phrase. Second of all, ‘Luthor Bad’? Really?”
Alex shrugs, “Sorry.”
“But would you hide a body with me?” Lena jokes, but Alex considers her answer.
“It depends,” Alex responds. Lena accepts the answer, and almost appreciates the hesitancy.
“Okay, so what I did might have been kind of bad. Like evil bad. But it’s not what you think,” Lena explains. She picks up a laptop from the table, and hands it to Alex.
“What’s this?” Alex asks, looking around. “Lena. Is this what I think it is?”
Lena nods, “It’s a program that searches through everything. Everything as in, every camera or microphone that exists, the entire internet, and every government database. As in, every country.”
“Lena, no one can know that you have this,” Alex says, concerned.
“That’s the only copy. It’s actually why I’m so tired. I’ve been working on that instead of sleep,” Lena says as she moves to a crate that's in the corner of her office.
“Babe…” Alex laments, “What’s going on?”
Lena opens the crate, then pulls out a guitar. Alex’s old guitar.
I had to find it. And I was having trouble. So I built that,” Lena points to the laptop, “I accidentally built the stereotypical movie villain weapon to find it. For you. Well it was for me but then I realized I couldn’t just keep it and never tell you. Anyway,” Lena crosses the room, and stands in front of Alex again, “It’s for you. I just thought… Fuck, is this okay?”
Alex has shoved the computer to the side, slowly reaching for the guitar, and Lena hands it to her.
“Do you want to be alone? Do you want me to give it back?”
Alex puts it on her knee like she’s going to play it, but she doesn't. Eventually, she hands it back to Lena.
“You can keep it,” Alex says. “I’m not ready to press on the bruise right now. But thank you. I love you.
Lena nods, leaning the guitar against the sofa.
Alex leans back, opening her arms for Lena, who sits and obliges.
“I don’t ever want anyone else holding my heart but you,” Alex admits. Fuck. They’re so in love.
“Do you want to hear about the life she’s had since you last saw each other?” Lena asks, and Alex nods.
“Why did you go looking for her?”
“It seemed important to you. I wanted to help. And I wasn’t sure how. So I did something I knew I could do.”
Alex pulls Lena closer as Lena tells her about the person who’d had her guitar all this time.
It’s moments like those, that lasted forever, and were never enough.
People knew they were friends, and they hung out in Kara’s friend group a lot. They were both already used to putting on masks professionally, and even personally. So it kind of made no difference. Them being vulnerable only in front of each other felt comfortable.
Eventually, Alex would be at Lena’s house, and pull out the guitar. It was in a poor condition, but better than when she left it.
They talked about their old days some more. She tried to teach Lena how to play, and when that went south, she played for Lena, making new memories with her beloved guitar.
The next time she pressed on the bruise, she noticed that it had healed a little bit from the last time she'd checked.