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Don’t tremble, hold my hands instead
It was a pretty spot. Yeo Jun might venture to say romantic even. The lights emanating from the street lamps made everything look soft and a little hazy. They were on the cusp of summer but spring hasn’t let go altogether. This was evident in the way the cobbled streets were still flanked by blooming flowers, the pink leaves of Cherry Blossoms blanketing the ground. The weather was also agreeable. It was balmy but there was a strong breeze blowing that evened things out. The night thrummed with possibilities and Yeo Jun felt this in the excitement that sizzled through him. He felt alive, like the ghosts of his past were well and truly behind him. He was ready for something new. He stared at the girl walking beside him, looking straight ahead with a beautiful smile on her face. She was wearing high-waist jeans and an oversized green shirt that looked extremely cute on her. Jun grabbed her hand to get her attention. He stood in front of her, blocking her way.
“Jun-ah, why are we stopping? What’s going on?” She had a wide-eyed look on her face.
“So cute,” Jun said under his breath, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “I have something to ask you.”
“Really? What is it?”
Jun pulled her closer by the hand. Their torsos were almost touching now. He watched as So-bin swallowed hard, already looking flustered.
“Are you blushing? I haven’t even said anything yet,” Jun teased, smiling widely. He was greatly enjoying her discomfort. He always did.
“Yah! Yeo Jun, don’t play with me.”
“Kim So-bin,” Jun began in a solemn tone. He realized he wasn’t nervous at all. Was he too confident? “Will you be my girlfriend?”
So-bin seemed frozen to the spot, her eyes widening comically. Jun stood there, waiting for her to say something.
“Should I brace myself for rejection?” Jun said.
“No… no… I mean yes,” So-bin said, smiling from ear to ear, her eyes crinkling as she kept nodding her assent.
Jun let out a hearty laugh. He was brimming with joy and exuberance. Kim So-bin, the cutest noona on the planet has just become his girlfriend. He cradled her face in his hands and leaned down for a kiss. As their lips met, as So-bin opened her mouth and allowed his tongue entrance, the first thought that went through Jun’s head was that So-bin was a good kisser. The second thought was that the kiss was merely pleasant. He felt nothing else. When he pulled back, he tried not to let his disappointment show on his face. It was only their first kiss. There would be many more kisses that he would get to enjoy fully.
The blissed-out look on So-bin’s face told him her experience was probably different from his. “That was amazing,” she whispered against his lips, giving him a quick peck.
Jun nodded his head, ignoring the pit that was forming in his stomach for the lie he was telling. “Let me walk my girlfriend home,” he said, entwining their hands together.
Side by side, they made their way to the dormitory where So-bin was staying. At the entrance, So-bin plastered her back against Jun’s front. “I don’t want to go in,” she whined. “I want to stay with you.”
Jun chuckled, hugging her from behind. “We’ll see each other tomorrow. Now, go in and get some sleep.”
So-bin reluctantly extricated herself him. “Okay, okay, I’m going in. Good night.”
“Good night. Dream of me,” Jun called out right before the girl disappeared from view.
He turned around and started walking, his legs eating up the distance between the dormitory and the Youth Villa. For some weird reason, all the excitement he’d been feeling earlier was gone. He suddenly needed to get home to Soo-hyun.
Soo-hyun was sitting on the couch, his legs folded beneath his thighs. He had on a charcoal-colored hoodie and grey sweat pants. He was eating fried chicken from a small bucket, licking his fingers occasionally. His concentration was wholly on the action movie playing on the flat-screen TV. Jun felt something give way within his chest at the endearing sight. He leaned back against the wall, smiling to himself, watching him. Somehow, his world was always put to right whenever he stepped through the door and set his eyes on Soo-hyun.
“What’s wrong with you? Why are you standing over there?” Soo-hyun said, finally looking away from the TV.
Jun walked into the room and settled at the other end of the couch. He stretched out his legs, almost touching Soo-hyun.
“Want some chicken?” Soo-hyun offered.
“Nope, we had a really good dinner.”
Soo-hyun nodded, his attention claimed by the movie once again.
“Are you not going to talk to me? What stupid movie is this anyway?” Jun wanted his full attention for God’s sake. He glanced at the TV. There was a car chase and shooting scene. It was pure chaos. Jun couldn’t tell the head from the tail.
“Did you not find me watching it? What do you want to talk about?” Soo-hyun said. He placed the bucket on the coffee table. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
He got up and went to the kitchen. Jun could hear the tap running. Soo-hyun walked back into the room with a hand towel, drying his hands. He settled back on the couch. Leaning back, he grabbed hold of Jun’s feet and placed them on his lap. He began massaging them, digging into the skin with an expertise that almost made Jun melt into a puddle. He closed his eyes, savoring the pleasure, letting out small moans that never went past his throat.
“So, did you ask her?”
Jun hummed his response
“And?”
“She said yes.”
“Congratulations,” Soo-hyun said.
Jun could hear the smile in his voice. He wanted to reply to that but the words simply would not come out. He felt strange, like a cold gust of wind had just passed through him. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d misplaced something. He just didn’t know what.
“Jun-ah.”
“Yeah?”
“Is there anything else you aren’t telling me?”
“Anything like what?” Jun’s eyes were still closed.
“I don’t know.” Soo-hyun was now pulling at his toes and damn but it felt good. “You don’t seem that happy for someone who just got a girlfriend.”
“Of course I’m happy. I think I’m just a little tired.”
“Then you should go to bed. It’s getting late and you have an early morning class.”
Jun let out a sigh. He opened his eyes, his sight readjusting to the light. Soo-hyun was done with his massage. Now his hands were merely blanketing Jun’s feet. The warmth they provided made it damn near impossible for Jun to move a muscle. His gaze travelled over Soo-hyun’s figure, then zeroed in on his neck. For some reason he couldn’t quite fathom, he’s always had a fascination for Soo-hyun’s neck. Its length, the milky white unblemished skin except for that one mole he was currently staring at. He wanted to circle it with his pinkie, kiss it…
He abruptly removed his feet from Soo-hyun’s lap and got up from the couch. “I’m going to bed,” he said, almost sprinting to his bedroom.
Yup, it was high time this night ended.
***
Jun and So-bin had their first official date as a couple on the terrace of a restaurant that overlooked a beautiful pristine lake. They ate barbecued pork chops and drank wine. They talked about school and their friends, shared some jokes and laughed a lot. As the night drew to an end, the conversation shifted to Soo-hyun. It was more of Jun narrating stories of Soo-hyun and So-bin listening avidly.
“Are you still forbidden from buying expensive food?” So-bin asked.
Jun nodded his head, giggling. “Ah that sunbae,” Jun said, smiling fondly. “He still watches me like a hawk and makes sure I don’t waste money as he likes to say. There are times when I lie to him and tell him the price is lower than it really is.”
“What?” So-bin laughed. “He would get a heart attack if he finds out.”
“I know,” Jun said, sipping on his glass of wine. He stared at the water below. It was shimmering, reflecting the moonlight and the twinkling lights that lined the terrace. He smiled to himself, thinking, he definitely was not going to tell Soo-hyun the actual price of the take-out he’d ordered for him.
When Jun got home that night, Soo-hyun was sound asleep on the couch. Sequestered as he was under the blankets, only the top of his head was visible. Jun lingered for a bit in the sitting room, watching Soo-hyun sleep. He bent down and brushed some of his bangs from his forehead before heading into his bedroom to turn in for the night.
At school, Jun and So-bin have become that couple that everyone gave a second look whenever they walked into a room. They were practically inseparable. If they weren’t taking a leisurely stroll around the school grounds, they were studying together in the library or out on dates. On the surface of it all, it felt good. Jun loved having a girlfriend who he could have fun with it. But there was something else slithering beneath the surface and as much as he tried to pretend it wasn’t there, it was becoming unsettling. Whenever he and So-bin kissed, he hoped that would be the time he felt something. He would desperately wish for some sort of feeling to stir within him only to be disappointed when nothing happened.
And even though Jun always felt happy in her presence, it has now become the norm for his mind to drift elsewhere when they were together. He would often catch himself thinking about what Soo-hyun was doing, whether he was taking time off work to eat properly or something else equally random. There were times when Jun would miss him so much only to come home and find him asleep or wake up the next morning to an empty apartment, Soo-hyun already leaving for the day.
Jun stared at the ceiling, sighing audibly. He’s been awake for a while but hasn’t really had the desire to get out of bed. The smell of food was getting to him though. That had to be Soo-hyun in the kitchen. Jun jumped out of bed and ran out of his room. Soo-hyun was setting up the table for breakfast. Jun rushed over and gave him a back-hug. Soo-hyun chuckled, turning around in his embrace and pulling him closer for a proper hug. Jun buried his face in his clothed chest, rocking on his heels. He’d missed this. Their schedules haven’t exactly aligned in the past week and they’ve barely seen each other. The fact that he was constantly going on dates with So-bin didn’t help matters either.
“You made gimbap for breakfast?” Jun said, stepping back from the hug, albeit reluctantly.
Soo-hyun had a fond smile on his face. “I did. Dig in.”
Jun munched on his rolled gimbap, regaling Soo-hyun with tales of the things he did during the week. As soon as they were done eating, Soo-hyun had to leave.
“Can we have dinner together tonight?” Jun asked, tone hopeful.
“No, I don’t think so. It’s going to be a very busy day,” Soo-hyun replied. He ruffled Jun’s hair in apology and left the apartment.
Jun remained seated, staring at the food before him, feeling as though he was nowhere closer to figuring out what was really going on with him.
***
The following weekend, Jun and So-bin made plans to go on a hiking trip to a small town at the outskirts of their university. They would spend the entire day sight-seeing and exploring. At night, they would sleep in a small hotel and head back home the next morning.
On Saturday, around midday, they boarded a bus heading toward their destination.
Sitting by the window, Jun plastered his face to the cool transparent glass, taking in the scenery, his thoughts far away. When they arrived at their destination, they spent the day roaming about. Jun kept taking pictures. He wanted to show Soo-hyun everything when they returned. As they made their way through the hiking trail, negotiating jagged paths, Jun was impressed with So-bin’s stamina. She wasn’t complaining about being tired at all. In fact, she was the one egging Jun on as the fatigue began to take over.
“The view up there is worth it, c’mon,” So-bin said, pulling him by the hand.
Jun pushed forward, his breathing coming in short quick bursts of air. “Aish!”
When they finally reached the top of a plateau, Jun let out a loud exhale, breathing in the crisp mountain air. The sky was a canvas of pastel splattered with different shades of orange and red. All around them, as far as the eye could see and even beyond, there was a huge expanse of greenery and a whole range of mountains. The setting sun sat on the horizon where the sky met the jagged edges of mountains. The view was spectacular and for a second Jun forgot himself, forgot the person who was standing next to him.
“Soo-hyun,” he called out, spinning around with a wide smile on his face. The smile died on his lips when he realized it was So-bin standing next to him. It didn’t look like she heard him and thank God for that. But as Jun continue to stare at the beautiful girl standing next to him surveying the view before them; he felt something wilt inside him. A realization was dawning upon him, crystallizing and clarifying the mess that had taken root inside his mind since the night he asked So-bin to be his girlfriend.
“The view is amazing, isn’t it?” So-bin said, turning to him with a smile.
“Yeah it really is. I’m glad we came.”
They stood there, watching the sun set, So-bin’s head resting on Jun’s shoulder. She looked so happy and peaceful. Jun’s stomach turned queasy when he thought about the conversation they were going to have.
They didn’t end up spending the night at a hotel like they’d planned to. There was no point after Jun told So-bin what she needed to know. In fact, all he thought about was making it back home as soon as possible. His heart raced all the way back to the Youth Villa. His emotions were in overdrive and his nerves were all over the place. When he let himself in and found Soo-hyun in his usual place on the couch, he let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. The older boy was dressed in all black, wearing a t-shirt and sweat pants. He looked good enough to eat and Jun had never been happier to be home. Soo-hyun had hand-outs and books spread out on the coffee table. The plan had obviously been to study the night away. As he looked up and their gazes met, his expression was one of surprise.
“Jun-ah, why are you back a day early?”
Jun shuffled into the room, his socked feet barely making a sound on the tiled floor. He gingerly sat down on the edge of the couch. He stared down at his hands, watching as his fingers fidget. It was easier than looking at Soo-hyun.
“Yeo Jun. Talk to me. Why are you back early? What’s going on?”
“I broke up with So-bin,” He blurted out, still staring at his hands.
“You broke up with So-bin?” Soo-hyun repeated. “Why did you do that?”
When Jun looked up from his hands, he realized that Soo-hyun had moved and was sitting much closer to him. The space that separated them now was small and Jun ached to get rid of it but he couldn’t move a muscle. He felt rung out, as though someone was hacking at his insides with a kitchen knife. The way he was feeling now, nervous beyond belief, was nothing compared to how he felt when he asked So-bin to be his girlfriend. There was a world of difference between the two situations and Jun was now very well-aware of what that actually meant. He stared at Soo-hyun, cataloging the intense way he was being looked at. Jun swallowed hard and even though maintaining eye contact was proving to be the most difficult thing he’d to do at the moment, he didn’t look away. God, Soo-hyun was simply breath-taking and Jun had never felt luckier to be in anyone’s presence before.
“Soo-hyun…,” he began in a voice that slightly trembled, “I broke up with So-bin because I realized I didn’t want her or anyone else for that matter. I only want you. While, I was with her, all I did was miss you and think about you,” Jun finished his confession on a shaky breath, hugging himself in a self-conscious gesture. He bit his lower lip to stop himself from saying more. The fact that Soo-hyun was just sitting there like a block of ice not saying anything made his anxiety only worse.
“Please say something,” Jun muttered with a nervous laugh.
“Jun-ah, did you mean what you just said?”
Jun nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat.
“Come here,” Soo-hyun whispered.
“Where?”
“Come closer.”
Jun moved a bit closer to him on the couch but apparently that wasn’t close enough for Soo-hyun because he grabbed Jun by the arms and pulled him in his lap. Jun was now sitting on Soo-hyun, his legs wedged on either side of the couch. He kept his balance by resting his hands on Soo-hyun’s shoulder blades.
“You want to be with me?” Soo-hyun asked again as though he still had a problem believing Jun.
“I do,” Jun answered, nodding vigorously.
“You have no idea how much I wanted to hear those words from you. I’ve wanted you for such a long time now, Yeo Jun. I didn’t say anything because I thought you didn’t feel the same way,” Soo-hyun said, his gaze boring into Jun’s. He placed his hands on either side of Jun’s face. Soo-hyun’s fingers caressed his cheeks with a tenderness that made Jun want to weep.
Jun didn’t know who made the first move. Not that it mattered because the moment their lips met, everything ceased to exist but the kiss itself. As their lips glided over each other and meshed, Yeo Jun felt a fire ignite within him, a craving for so much more. He circled his hands around Soo-hyun’s neck and slanted his head, deepening the kiss. In his dreams, Yeo Jun has kissed Nam Soo-hyun a thousand times, but the reality far surpassed his wildest fantasies. Soo-hyun’s lips were soft and full and sweeter than sin and already, there was the feeling in Jun that he would never have enough, that the hunger that has awakened within him would never be satiated. As their tongues entangled, as Soo-hyun bit and nibbled and sucked on his lower lip, Jun felt as though he was drowning in pleasure, he was feverish with it. Soo-hyun’s hands were running down the length of his back, digging into his spine. They traveled lower. He was now cupping an ass-cheek in each hand and squeezing. Jun shivered as an intense wave of arousal racked his frame.
“Oh fuck,” he cursed in Soo-hyun’s mouth, sucking on his tongue. He was grinding down, rutting against Soo-hyun, seeking some sort of friction. As they continued to make out furiously, a wayward thought flashed through Yeo Jun’s head.
This was what a kiss was supposed to feel like.