Chapter Text
"You know, Squidward," SpongeBob starts nonchalantly as he flips a patty. "I've never been kissed."
"Good for you." Squidward responds flatly, focusing on his latest issue of Fancy living.
"I mean, I've kissed lots of people. And people have kissed me, but it's always on my cheeks or my forehead or the occasional 'kiss' on the nose from Gary."
"I didn't need to know that."
SpongeBob sighs forlornly. "But I've never been REALLY kissed, right on the...hehe...kisser, and I'm not getting any younger!" He absentmindedly prepares the patty and puts it on the counter, dinging the bell.
"SpongeBob, we've had no customers all afternoon, just who is this krabby patty for?"
"Oh. It's for you!"
Squidward groans. "You know I don't eat this garbage."
"You and I both know that isn't entirely true." SpongeBob winks. "I know how you truly feel about krabby patties, remember."
"Whatever." But Squidward takes a look around the room, empty just as he thought, and takes a bite of the burger.
"Anyway, I just don't really know what to do! I'm not very good at the dating thing because I'm just so busy."
What? Blowing bubbles? Squidward rolls his eyes.
"And it's all on apps now! Don't get me wrong, I like apps, they're like little pockets into worlds! But I have to admit I'm getting a littttle out of touch—"
Squidward tunes out his incessant babbling, and tries to focus on his food. He finds his gaze unintentionally drawn to the way SpongeBob wets his lip while still talking, without taking a breath, instead. And loses his appetite.
"And then it turned out he was an AI all along, not that there's anything wrong with being an AI but turns out he was being made to pretend to looking for matches and he is wasn't actually interested so I helped him be his own AI and we're still friends—"
"SpongeBob."
"—So I don't think those apps are for me. I mean, I'm not in a rush, it's not that important but sometimes my mom will be like 'Oh, when will you bring someone home' and I kinda think gee that would be nice to do, right?"
"SpongeBob." Squidward says a little louder, irritation in his tone.
"Oh sorry, Squidward. I'm probably boring you with all this mushy stuff haha, Oooh I know I'll tell you about the new MermaidMan and Barnacle Boy episode I watched last night! It was a really good, it made references to some of the older episodes while still keeping it fresh—"
"SPONGEBOB!"
"And—huh?"
"Will you just shut up, because the more you keep your mouth open the more I wanna kiss you."
SpongeBob's eyes go as wide as dinner plates.
Squidward panics as his own words hit him. "To make you zip it! That's all!"
They stare at each other.
"Well...if you want me to be quiet so bad..." SpongeBob's cheeks go bright red. "Why don't you make me?"
"...You...um...what?" Sweat beads on Squidward's forehead.
"You heard me." SpongeBob simpers while poking his tongue out cheekily, eyes defiant.
Squidward is at least a brave enough man to admit that he finds it just a little bit attractive, in the privacy of his own mind. But also incredibly infuriating. "Why you little—" he slams his plate down, stands up, leans over the counter and reaches out a tentacle to grab the Sponge's tie. "Come here." He yanks it towards him, pulling SpongeBob into an awkward misaligned kiss.
(Thankfully SpongeBob's abilities allow him to stretch over the grill without touching it.)
SpongeBob's lips are soft, of course they are he's a sponge after all, For all his lamenting over inexperience he's not half bad at reciprocating, he tilts to the side to make up for the way Squidward has to twist his mouth.
Squidward's nose has always made kissing off-kilter. Despite that, he likes to think he's a pretty good smoocher. By the way SpongeBob sounds and feels like he's...purring? Into his mouth he obviously agrees.
He's snapped to the reality of what he's doing when SpongeBob's hands curl around his neck.
His grip on Spongebobs' tie loosens and he moves back, causing SpongeBob to fall forward into the cashier's boat and onto Squidward.
Squidward's head hits the cash register, and a concerned face peers over him.
"Are you okay, Squidward?"
"No." Squidward rubs his head. "...Are you?" He arches an eyebrow at Spongebob's glazed over eyes.
"I dunno', I feel kind of dazed and I don't know if it's from the fall or from..." SpongeBob giggles. "You kissed me."
"I did, Why did I do that."
"Wanna do it again?"
"No." Squidward (gently) pushes him off of him. "Not at work."
"Oh...okay. Oh!" SpongeBob deflates then perks back up within seconds. "So you mean AFTER work..."
"Yes, now get back in the kitchen." Squidward tries to hide his reddening face.
"Can do, Mr. Sizzle lips."
"Shut up."