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~***~
Adult life, with all its benefits, lacked something times as an adolescent had offered. Long gone were carefree nights when you could go to hang around in Crazy Rock for the whole night; long gone were slacking off at school, not caring about your future that much; and long gone were those moments you could go skating somewhere, not bothering to check the time before your mom would call in a panic.
What Langa missed the most was the constant company of his best friend, his favorite person on earth. Even though better than nothing, texting daily was never the same. Instead of those spontaneous moments filled with friends, laughter, and good times, more and more adult responsibilities had taken the space: bills, work, rent, all the stuff Langa hadn’t cared much about earlier. There had been only one thing Langa had cared about and still was.
Reki. After all these years, those four letters managed to send shivers down his spine.
Dozing off on his sofa after work on Friday afternoon, Langa’s phone buzzed. Speaking of the devil.
<Reki> Shit, it’s boring at work. We’ve been carrying some old lady’s stuff to the sixth floor the whole day.
<Reki> If I ever have a sudden urge to buy a piano or something crazy, please slap me in the face.
<Reki> Thank God, it’s only an hour and then I’m off.
<Reki> How are you doing? Still free tonight?
Langa laughed at the flood of messages and replied.
<Langa> Okay, I’ll promise to tie you to a chair if you ever start talking about buying a piano. ;)
Shit, did that sound too kinky, especially with the wink emoji? Well, whatever. Better to change the subject before the idea would start sounding too tempting.
<Langa> Or I’ll skip carrying it. Let Shadow and Joe do it instead.
Thanks to the online market taking more and more space, niche shops couldn’t manage anymore - it meant Dope Sketch had ended its business too. Rumors told that their ex-manager had retreated to the most remote parts of Okinawa and was hosting snorkeling trips there. Neither Langa nor Reki knew the truth, but they had found something else to do. Reki’s recent job was to help people moving aka carrying their shit to the highest floor possible. Langa’s job was helping at the local supermarket - boring, but at least it paid the rent and offered a lot of opportunities to daydream when he was filling the shelves on his own. Despite everyone’s pressure on his shoulders, he didn’t end up going pro in skating - it was supposed to be fun, not constant stress, he always claimed. The real reason only he knew was that going pro would have meant traveling and less time with… well, even an idiot could figure out who.
Even though how much Reki hated his job, Langa had to admit it had some nice benefits for him: for example, he’d gotten some muscles to his arms (not that Langa had been stalking, but…). And often an extra day off if they managed to get a bigger gig. That meant more time together.
Forcing himself not to start dreaming about his friend’s muscles, Langa typed:
<Langa> Yes, of course, we’ll do something tonight.
<Langa> Do you want to come over when you finish?
<Langa> We could come up with something.
<Reki> Sounds perfect!
<Reki> I’ll quickly go home when I finish and then come.
<Reki> Miss you. <3
Before Langa could comprehend what his brain was producing, he typed:
<Langa> Miss you too, see you soon. :) <3
The usage of heart emojis in their convos had started to increase recently. Not that Langa was complaining - quite the opposite.
Langa tossed the phone away and started cleaning his house like a maniac. In a normal situation, he didn’t care about the tidiness. If his mother was visiting, it was possible there was dirty underwear lying on the furniture. But that wasn’t the case when it was Reki who came over: everything had to be top-notch. The most stellar person on the earth deserved nothing less than the best, right?
How ridiculous, someone would say, to clean up like this for your long-time friend. They had known each other for six years, so why was it still so special to have Reki all by yourself? Why even thinking about that wild red hair (that he had grown longer during the years), warm eyes, and bright, genuine smile, managed Langa’s stomach to make wild somersaults?
He knew the answer yet didn’t want to say it out loud. Their friends were more sharp-eyed, their observations masked as friendly bantering.
“Look at those two imbeciles, joined at the hip, and so in loooooove,” Miya had often said, being his not-so-considerate self. Cherry and Joe mastered the “all-knowing fathers” look. They had been the first to start a serious relationship in their friend group - with each other. Langa couldn’t have helped the sting of jealousy. Why couldn’t he be that brave?
Reki and Langa; Langa and Reki; the inseparable duo. The Bromance of S. Soulmates - whatever names they were called. Whenever someone asked whether the rumors were true, Langa denied them politely. He knew people gossiped behind their backs that why neither of them didn’t date anyone despite there had been volunteers. A lot. Every time a new girl appeared in their skating circles, Langa prayed in secret Reki wouldn’t start dating - so far, he hadn’t and that was the case for Langa too. No one was as interesting as Reki. Langa had reasoned that if they started having girlfriends, their friendship would be ruined, but he wasn’t as dumb as he acted - he knew the true reason behind his concerns.
All the same, he hoped the day Reki would have a girlfriend would never come; that he didn’t have to act like he was happy for them. He imagined Reki getting married to someone else, and asking Langa as his best man. Imagining that agony…
Huh. Well, he couldn’t linger in those irrational fears now. Tonight, he could have Reki for himself.
On the sofa, was a single cat hair - a souvenir from Langa’s latest visit to his mom’s place. She had claimed that since she hadn’t found a man by his side, a cat would make her less lonely. Then she had inquired if Langa had anyone in his life. Well, sort of… or that was what he wished for.
There had always been someone in his life, yet taking it to the next level? He would give anything if someone would tell him exactly what to do - without ruining their friendship.
Time flew by with the cleaning and pondering and the doorbell rang. Like a gazelle that had spotted a predator, Langa jumped from the sofa. With the one last look at the mirror, he went to the door and took a deep breath. Even though outside he was decent at maintaining his cool, he was never prepared inside.
As always, his friend was all beaming by the door. “Hi!” Reki exclaimed with a toothful smirk. It was a hot day so he was wearing a black tank top and yellow harem pants. His wild hair looked tamer than usual because it was damp. In his hand, he had a shopping bag - it was already a tradition to share snacks together on their special nights.
“So good to see y--,” Langa started before he was taken into a tight embrace. He took in that familiar scent that always made him dizzy: it was a mixture of something sweet like cinnamon, yet slightly manly, but never bad. From the fresh scent, Langa got the confirmation that Reki had just showered. Polite, but truth to be told, Langa wouldn’t have minded if he had come all dirty to his place.
The embrace took an eternity and even when they withdrew, Reki kept his hand on Langa’s shoulder. They lingered on each other like they hadn’t seen in ages while in reality they saw last weekend. That was already way too long ago.
“Come in,” Langa said and turned around before he would do or say anything stupid. Only friends. Nothing more, never. Langa had rationalized that if he kept repeating that over and over again, one day the crush would disappear. Though what if it never dissipated? Even after six years, it was still there - the more he tried to inhibit it, the more powerful it came back.
It was like an explosive about to go off. Not the wisest idea to ask the person who you were madly in love with to your house.
Reki tossed his sandals on the tiny entryway and stepped into the apartment. It was a single space that acted as kitchen, living room, and bedroom. The only luxury was the balcony - tiny, as everything in Japanese housing standards, but still a nice plus. One of the reasons Langa had chosen to move here was that the apartment was in the neighborhood further away from the city center - it meant both silence and cheaper rent.
Sliding his finger on the kitchen table that Langa’s father had bought back in the days (and had taken forever to polish), Reki whistled. “Wow, is the mighty emperor visiting you tonight, or why is it so goddamn neat here?”
Langa had started unpacking Reki’s groceries on the kitchen table - onigiris, umeboshi, and various snacks. “Special treatment for my special guest.” It came out much flirtier than attempted. Only a filthy wink was missing. Ugh. How was Joe always so proud of his horrible pick-up lines? Well, they had worked in the end as he and Cherry were in a happy relationship.
There was one promise Langa made to himself: despite how low he’d sink in with this crush, at least he would never ask dating tips from Joe. Period.
Reki raised an eyebrow. “I’m your… special guest?” He chuckled. “Wow.”
“Of course,” Langa answered and turned to the fridge, his cheeks starting to burn. Reki had been what, like five minutes here, and Langa was already tearing apart, saying stupid things that sounded too flirty.
Forgetting what he was about to do, Langa kept staring at the fridge. He took a can of coke to his hand and turned.
Out of nowhere, Reki came half sitting on the kitchen table he had complimented. He had fetched an apple and took a bite from it. Why could even that look so suggestive?
“So, what do you want to do tonight?” Reki mumbled when he was munching the apple. “Feeling like going to Crazy Rock or something else? I heard there’s gonna be a race tonight.”
“To be honest, I’m quite tired, so I’d prefer staying here and watching a mindless movie or something,” Langa replied. “Besides, the skaters tonight are unfamiliar to me, so I’m not that interested.”
Reki swallowed the apple and tossed the remains of it away. It was a perfect bull’s eye to the trash can. “I’m glad you said that because I’m not super enthusiastic either.” He stood up and then poked at Langa’s chest, keeping his index finger there. A mischievous smirk sported on his features. “Waiting for the day when Snow rises and shines again. It has been ages since you did a public race, my friend.”
Langa sighed and took Reki’s hand away. “I know, but I haven’t had time. We aren’t 17 anymore, things are different.” Sometimes he had to laugh at himself how reckless he had been younger: racing Adam and almost dying, and for what? For fame? Definitely not. For attention? Well, there was only one person whose attention he was interested in, so it must have been that.
It had been a miracle he hadn’t gotten into serious accidents back in the days, but Langa still felt a sting in his heart when he thought about those times. It was fun. Not just because of the skating and general craziness: because no matter what, Reki had always been there by his side.
Reki stepped back. The mischievousness dropped and he said with a voice barely audible: “I just... miss skating with you together. Quite a lot.” At the same time, he fumbled with the hem of his shirt. “We should do it before we… start talking only about work and bills and all that shit.”
Surprised by the sudden change of their light-hearted discussion, Langa blinked before he forced a tiny smile on his lips. “I’m sure you won’t get dull any time soon,” he said and placed his hand on his chest. “I, Hasegawa Langa, promise we’ll go skating together as soon as we can.” He nudged Reki’s shoulder when he passed. “But tonight, I prefer to be lazy and boring.”
Reki rubbed his shoulder and followed Langa to the corner that was the so-called living room. There lied a divan sofa where he had slept numerous times during their weekends together. This time, Reki went to Langa’s laptop instead.
Langa opened a bag of chips, stuffing a handful in his mouth. “What’s going to be tonight’s movie choice?”
“You’ll see soon,” was the enigmatic answer. The smirk Reki had while he was browsing the laptop didn’t promise any good.
Swallowing, Langa took a look at his friend with a raised eyebrow. “Should I be worried?”
“Oh, absolutely not,” Reki said and looked at his friend. “I promise, you’ll be entertained.” He then attached the laptop to the tv and came sitting next to his friend, putting his hands behind his head. He looked like he was holding himself together.
The credits started to roll: the same guy had directed, produced, and written the piece. And was starring in it. And was the first person to have some lines.
”Hi babe! I have something for you!” The so-called actor sounded as goofy as he looked.
Reki exploded in laughter: both because the guy in the movie was so ridiculous and his friend’s expression was priceless.
Poor Langa almost choked with a mouthful of chips. “What is this?”
“I promised you’d be entertained,” Reki replied and fetched some chips from Langa’s bag, causing his friend to gasp in shock. “And you know I’m always a man of my word.”
Slowly but steadily the bag of chips was emptying, but the movie was nowhere near its finale. It didn’t even fit the category “it’s so bad it’s amazing”, no - it was all bad. This was going to be a long night, so Langa decided he’d continue doing what he was good at: daydreaming. At least he could steal a moment or two to admire Reki’s side profile.
But his friend had other plans: without any prior warning, Reki placed himself better on the sofa - that “better” place happened to be Langa’s lap. Like it wasn’t a big deal, he let his head rest there, his body curled into a small ball. He resembled a kitten who wanted to be cuddled. It was normal that they stayed close, listening to music with shared earplugs or watching the newest skating videos together, but not like this. Not… touching each other.
Inhibiting a high-pitched yelp, Langa held his breath, only able to witness what had happened. He wondered for a while where he should put his hand, but it had its own will, knowing exactly its position: on Reki’s arm. Not only to stay there but stroking it.
Even though this was weird and it would have been polite to make some space between them, it felt so… right. The movie had just gotten better.
A hot day had been followed by a warm and humid night and despite Reki didn’t help that at all, Langa didn’t make any attempt to move his friend away. Reki laid there, in Langa’s lap, eyes half-closed. He looked so cozy he could start purring soon.
“Are you sleeping?” Langa asked and stole a little selfish moment to tousle Reki’s hair.
“No,” Reki replied with a faint voice. “Can’t miss a second…” He yawned. “...of this masterpiece.”
There they stayed in silence, listening to the bizarre dialogue of the movie. If Langa could decide what the last moment of his entire life would be, this would definitely make it on the list. Maybe even become the number one.
So cozy, so warm - what else could Langa ask for? This was selfish, but heck, some little luxury was welcomed in his otherwise gray life.
Just when one character of the movie was casually asking the other “well anyway, how is your sex life? ” Reki sat back on the sofa and stretched. Langa didn’t want to admit how disappointed he was, his warm lap now empty.
Reki scratched his neck and tilted his head side to side. It made a nasty crack. “Can you give me a massage?”
Thrill and terror bubbled inside Langa. “S-sure,” he stammered his reply, trying to sound as casual as he could. He had skilled hands and was often asked by their friends in S for a massage - never before from Reki though. He had always claimed he could manage, he had injured himself so many times that it wouldn’t make it any better. Tonight, something had changed his opinion, but Langa didn’t dare to ask what. Maybe he was in pain, or maybe he wanted Langa to…
Stop, for heaven’s sake.
With a swift movement, Langa took a lavender-scented bottle of massaging oil from the drawer of his night stand. From the corner of his eye, he saw Reki was already topless in front of the mirror in the entryway. He was attempting to tame his now dry hair by putting it in a small bun. Some loose strands were still escaping from it and Reki cursed to himself. He had always claimed his hair had its own will and he should go bald or something. Langa disagreed - his friend looked so nice that way, but he didn’t know how to make a compliment without sounding too weird and gay. Guys weren’t supposed to say that “hey, your hair looks beautiful tonight”, right? Possible in this stupid movie they were watching, but not in real life.
When Langa came back to the sofa, he gestured to Reki to sit between his legs even though his heart was skipping a beat at the sight. Reki did as he was told and closed his eyes, dropping his head forward to give more space to Langa’s hands.
It’s only your eternal crush close to you. Topless, offering you to touch him.
...no big deal.
Langa hoped his friend didn’t notice the slightly trembling hands when he poured some oil on them and started working on his shoulders. Reki had nicely formed muscles - not bulky like Joe’s, but the right amount in the right places.
When Langa was in secret drooling at his friend’s bare torso, Reki hissed. That made Langa stop. “Sorry, did I hurt you?”
“It’s okay. I’m tense, so could you take it a bit easier, please?”
“Sure,” Langa said and loosened his grip. ”Can I ask, what makes you so tense?”
At first, Reki didn’t say anything - only when Langa was about to change the subject, he replied: ”Some… things that stress me out. Have slept badly recently.” His tone changed when he added: ”Don’t worry about me though, I can manage. You know I’m a bad sleeper anyway, no big deal.”
”Stress over what, exactly?” Langa didn’t want to sound he was inquiring too much but had already failed, so what the heck. ”Work stuff?”
”Ah, it’s stupid, never mind.”
”You know you can tell me anything.”
After another agonizing silence, Reki mumbled: ”Well, okay, umm...” He cleared his throat. ”Okay, well, there’s… someone I’ve had feelings for a good while, but… I dunno how I should… uh... proceed.” His mouth snapped shut: too much too fast?
Langa froze, but still, his brain worked in automation and he kept asking: ”So, you mean you like that person… umm... romantically?”
After a tired sigh, Reki admitted: ”Yeah.” Something intimate had been poked, yet he spoke surprisingly openly after the stiff start. ”I’d want to do something about it so badly, but I… don’t know what. It troubles me day and night.”
All the color from Langa’s already pallid face faded - this discussion reminded him of what he had been thinking about earlier tonight. His hands stopped, squeezing the shoulders under them too hard. If he would have been that good friend he claimed to be, he would have asked more. Teased his friend. Told him some tips on how to proceed.
Instead, he was sure his heart was about to burst out of his chest, a lump in his throat tightening.
”Sorry to bother you with my personal shit,” Reki murmured.
So there it was, the final nail in the coffin: Reki had a crush. There went Langa’s chances, flushed down from the toilet. Great, simply great. It was only his fault - he had been a coward. He’d had time - six freaking years - to hint Reki he had feelings towards him. What had he been waiting for? The right moment that never came, huh?
How many times had they been just the two of them? How many times one small sentence would have changed everything? How many times had Langa chickened out and pretended everything was normal even though there was a torment inside him?
Fucking fuck!
The most heated question remained unanswered: who was it?
Browsing mentally the possible candidates, Langa remembered: there had been a lady about their age hanging around in Crazy Rock for a year or something. She always asked for Reki and now when Langa thought about it, he realized why. That lady managed to turn heads with her appearance: long, purple dreadlocks, piercings, and tattoos, and as a cherry on top, she always wore tight provocative clothing. Joe had joked that the lady wasn’t there only for skating, rather for the skaters - a person who could pick up whoever she wanted. She always complimented Reki and wanted to be close to him.
She definitely was Reki’s type so the crush had to be her. The realization made this even worse - Langa knew he couldn’t stand a chance against a woman like her.
Of course, Reki had the right to date and like whoever he wanted, but it still didn’t change the fact Langa was close to tearing apart. This meant that it would be he who’d end up that best man who’d cry alone in the restroom during their wedding. He’d end up being the third wheel while Reki lived his life with his spouse, their friendship perishing, leaving Langa as empty as he had been when his father had passed away.
How oblivious he had been.
Exhaling and forcing himself to sound confident, Langa said: ”It’s okay… I’m sure she’ll... like you back.” It was way too shaky to be credible. ”Maybe you’d need the one last push to make her yours.”
Reki turned his head and looked at his friend over his shoulder with a furrow. He blinked, his mouth opening, but when he was about to say something, he turned back.
The movie went on, but their focus had shifted. Langa was swallowing constantly as it would make the grand disappointment go away.
If it wouldn’t have been enough confusing already, out of the blue, Reki sighed and bent his head back, letting it rest between Langa’s thighs. He kept his eyes closed, a little content smile on his lips.
Langa was sure the universe was mocking him - letting him enjoy the last supper before the years of misery were about to start.
As a result, Langa’s hands started being clumsier when he couldn’t concentrate on anything else than adoring Reki’s face - way too painful. So close to each other, could Reki notice his frantic heartbeat and erratic breathing? A new level of paranoia was rising. Langa’s body and mind were so dizzy he was scared he could do anything without noticing it - and without the ability to reverse it.
He likes someone else. Let go.
This was unfair, like stabbing an already bleeding wound: the most gorgeous creature on the planet - who was soon going to have a girlfriend, it was 99,9% certain - was so tentatively there, right between Langa’s legs. Because of his own will.
...why?
Langa didn’t know and neither did he know what was going on in his head when in automation he leaned forward, closed his eyes, and placed a tiny kiss on Reki’s forehead. The smacking, wet sound was way too loud and Langa immediately regretted his careless action.
Before any chances to explain, Reki’s eyes snapped open. Instead of disgust, there was a genuine curiosity when he locked them with Langa’s - the poor guy who would have wanted to be sunk into the deepest pits of hell.
If a Shinigami would have appeared and asked for Langa’s soul to reverse all the embarrassing and awkward things he had been doing with his best friend, Langa would have made the deal without even blinking an eye. As a bonus, he’d ask the god of death to make this crush, which was making him such a mess, go away.
"What was that for?” Reki asked with a tiny, adorable giggle. Spots of crimson that matched his hair were painted on his cheeks. He had always been prone to blushing - a trait he loathed himself but Langa found cute.
Well, truth to be told, was there anything he didn’t find cute in his friend?
Mesmerized, Langa couldn’t answer anything, but instead, studied the eyes he knew so well - if this was his last chance to do it, then let it be. What made the color so fascinating was that it changed in different lighting - they had hues of yellow and red with dark brown flecks if you looked closely enough. It was like when Reki was born, his genes hadn’t decided what color they should give, so they ended up throwing a bit of everything. Needless to say, Langa had looked closely - he wanted to know every single detail. How painful it was that Reki was so close, yet so far away. Only a little kick of courage and maybe there might have been a chance for something more.
...maybe if he hadn’t screwed his thin chances and been too late. Even though how heartbreaking it was, Langa wanted to make sure this girl would treat Reki with respect. He deserved everything.
Langa realized he had been silent and staring like an idiot for a good while when Reki’s tone changed. “Langa?”
The addressed man almost jumped when he shook his head and cleared his throat. “Ah, s-sorry.” He couldn’t make any lousy excuses - like watching the movie that had ended anyway - because he had been staring right at his friend all the time.
“It’s okay,” Reki said and continued with that former gentle tone. “What were you thinking?”
What was I thinking? Do you really wanna know? Well, I was thinking how freaking unfair it is that you are so illegally gorgeous, have nice eyes, and an amazing body I’d like to touch. You are beautiful, you are my best friend, my everything.
And I’d very much like to explore more of you, give you everything you’d want, and most importantly, be your everything, your lover, but…
I was a coward and I’m too late now, and oh, how much I’d like to smack myself in the face. How much I’d like this to go away, but I fucking can’t and my heart is breaking and I still love you.
That’s what I’m thinking.
Obviously, Langa couldn’t blurt his honest thoughts out loud, so he said: “I thought you looked very... kissable when you were like that.”
...which was even more stupid. Langa facepalmed mentally so hard at himself. Kissable, what on earth? Was that even a real word? Maybe when he’d get kicked out of his boring job, Langa should consider writing cheesy dialogue to b-rated movies. He had a natural talent.
Shit, never had he been an expert at expressing his feelings, but this was a new level of lousiness.
Reki hummed and closed his eyes again, not moving anywhere. “Well, if that's what you think, I’m not against it.” The sentence could have been sensual if said with a husky tone, but instead, said by Reki it was like a whisper. A delicate, shy whisper. It might have indicated Langa something if he hadn’t been that busy with his anxiety.
”I need to visit the bathroom,” Reki said, breaking the awkward tension. He patted Langa’s thigh before he left, grabbing his shirt on the way.
There Langa was left: cold and empty.
Not that feeling again - he was tired of it. Reki had been the one who had brought warmth and happiness into Langa’s life. What was going to happen next when his friend’s focus was going to be on someone else?
Tears were close to the surface, but with the last remains of his dignity, Langa managed to push them back. He wiped his eyes and distracted himself by closing the tv and the laptop before he slumped back to the sofa.
Sigh. He wasn’t prepared for this - a laidback movie night had turned into a disaster. Naive to think he could have Reki to himself forever, but it still didn’t change the fact he felt like someone had stomped on him with a boot full of dog shit. Probably he looked like that too - he didn’t dare to check from the mirror. Only the feeling was enough to tell.
As quickly as he had left, Reki came back, sitting next to Langa. He glanced at his friend and then averted his gaze. ”Thanks for the massage,” was the only thing he said.
So close to each other, it was impossible to inhibit yourself - too difficult to resist the temptation, the chance for a final last goodbye. Like with the earlier spontaneous peck, Langa could only watch how his hand moved to Reki’s shoulder making the other startle. It didn’t make him pull back. Langa noticed he was even tenser than earlier, holding his breath. A proof that the massage hadn’t been effective - no surprise.
Fueled with a sudden courage, Langa’s hand moved upper, this time to cup Reki’s cheek - still, Langa did not have the slightest clue what he was thinking. Reki turned to look at him, the color of his cheeks resembling a cooked lobster, the heat warming the hand that was holding his face.
If that’s what you think, I’m not against it, echoed on loop in Langa’s mind. So many confusing signals. How handy it would have been to get a guidebook of how to deal with humans. Often Langa didn’t get why he was doing what he did.
This moment wasn’t an exception.
To Langa’s (pleasant) surprise, Reki was still there, waiting for the next move. Giving the cheek a gentle stroke, Langa moved his hand behind Reki’s ear. This resulted in a soft huff from him, and Langa was sure he’d faint soon if he didn’t proceed with what his unconscious mind was determined to do.
When Langa leaned forward, he stared at his friend’s lips while licking his own. They were so close Langa could feel Reki’s unsteady breathing on his face. The hand lowered its position to Reki’s nape and with the one last look, Langa dragged him to his lips placing a tiny, clumsy kiss there.
A bitter farewell. A bitter, selfish, farewell.
…except it didn’t go as planned: instead of a romantic moment Langa had been longing for so long, this resembled more like kissing a statue. It didn’t help that Reki reminded Langa of a deer caught in headlights with his huge eyes and a frozen expression. This was not a movie, this wouldn’t end up in passionate lovemaking. Of course, Langa knew it but still he had hoped the moment would have been more magical.
Instead, once again, that same old awkwardness filled the space between them. It was now seasoned with guilt. Why did he have to be so careless despite knowing someone else had stolen Reki’s heart?
When Langa realized what he had done, he dropped his hand from Reki’s nape. His gaze drifted to a pillow on the sofa like it would have been the most interesting thing right now. Reki tried to catch his breath, his mouth opening, and closing. Crickets chirped outside, having their nightly concerto like every night in Okinawa, but Langa was sure his own, lunatic heartbeat was even louder than the bugs.
Langa took hold of his own shoulder, digging his nails deeper into his skin. He shouldn’t have done it. Awkward, so awkward. Great, if not earlier, at least now he hates me.
Again, tears started to burn Langa’s eyes and he shifted in his place. “I’m sorry, that was… uh… way too much. Maybe I should--” Let you be because you deserve someone better as your friend than this idiot.
But he didn’t have a chance to retreat as his arm was grabbed. Langa landed on his butt on the soft upholstery.
With begging eyes, Reki said: “Don’t… don’t sound like that. You haven’t done anything wrong.” His voice had a notable tremor, swallowing back something delicate that was boiling over. “Please, don’t… leave me.” With that plea he let his hand give up its grip on the arm.
The invisible ball was tossed back.
Never in his life would Langa leave Reki - hell, he’d rather skate naked through the city and wouldn’t give a shit if Reki would still be with him. Abandoning hadn’t been his purpose - he had thought… ah, he didn’t know. Never had Langa been able to say no to Reki, so even though he was more embarrassed than ever, he stayed. If his friend needed him, then there was no questioning whether he’d stay or go. There they remained in silence, Langa trying to find words or something, anything, to explain what was going on in his mind. A peck on the lips was such a mundane thing universe-wise though for Langa it meant the world.
Dear Lord, since when had he become so pathetic?
”I’m sorry for everything,” Langa said, biting the inside of his cheek to inhibit the dangerously close tears. ”I’m sorry, I’m such a careless idiot.” And there they came, now freely pouring to his cheeks. ”I… I know you like that girl so I shouldn’t be doing these things, but…”
The fact that Reki swept the flood of tears on Langa’s cheek and stroked it gently made all this even worse. After everything, Langa didn’t deserve this.
A small sound that resembled a hiccup escaped from Langa’s throat. He would have been ashamed of how he sounded if he hadn’t been so broken. ”I… I know who she is and I understand completely and wish you well and everything, but, but...”
Langa sobbed and moved his gaze to the window. A tiny gecko had come to see this incident, climbing on the window. ”I’d like to be happy for you, but I… I can’t help it…” Too personal things poured out at once and his head started to ache. ”I… I like you more than I… should. Hell, liking is underestimating. In fact, I...”
It was cut by another sob, making Langa put his hand on his mouth, trying to concentrate on breathing. He took a deep, shaky breath before he dropped his hand and finished his earlier sentence:
”Love you, Reki.”
There it was; he had done it. A confession. Even clumsier than Langa had ever imagined, but it couldn’t be taken back anymore.
Reki stood up, and before Langa was able to start being scared if he had finally driven his friend away, he came back and handed a bunch of tissues. Langa blew his nose and tossed the used papers on the floor.
The moment was so still that even the noises of the crickets were muted in Langa’s ears - he wished he could have muted himself too.
Placing his hand back on Langa’s cheek, Reki made them have eye contact. His friend’s broken look made him gasp. The roles had reversed: normally, it was Reki who was more open to express his feelings and if it meant crying, he didn’t mind so much. Rarely had he seen Langa like this.
Reki moved a single strand of hair before Langa’s eyes and then placed his hand to his nape, stroking the tiny hair there.
As he didn’t have anything to lose anymore, Langa leaned on the touch and buried his head into Reki’s chest. “I’m so fucking sorry. I’m such a mess.”
His chin resting on Langa’s shoulder, Reki embraced his friend, drawing circles on his back. “No, please, don’t say things like that about yourself.” He trembled and cleared his throat before he said: ”There has been a... misunderstanding.” After a short pause, he continued: ”The one who should apologize is me. I should… should have made myself clearer.”
Those magic words made Langa raise his head, puzzled as ever.
...wait a second?
Eyes wide, he swallowed and tried to let what he had heard sink in.
A misunderstanding?
So close to each other, Langa watched how Reki took a glance at his lips. His eyes then shifted, searching, asking, indicating that we had some unfinished business here.
Oh dear Lord.
There might still be light at the end of the tunnel - what if this wasn’t a lost cause?
Langa tried to read the little expressions Reki was making, but they were hard to decipher. Could this mean he wasn’t alone in this stupid crush that refused to let go of him, no matter he had tried everything? Could this mean he had overreacted and the one who Reki had been talking about earlier wasn’t a random girl but…
...him?
It could have been Langa who was the cause of Reki’s insomnia, who made him ponder too much, and be tense. The more Langa thought about it, the more the earlier signals started to make sense: Reki had wanted to be close, wanted to be cuddled, wanted to...
Even the thought of it felt so ridiculous yet so thrilling that the butterflies in Langa’s stomach got out of control. At the same time, he wanted to laugh and cry.
”But… why… why…what?” Langa asked and blinked rapidly. ”You could get anyone you’d want, I’m--”
A desperate attempt to blurt messy thoughts out was cut by Reki putting his index finger on Langa’s lips. ”Shh.”
Grasping the other’s hair, Reki dragged Langa closer and whispered: ”I… I should have told you way earlier. There was time, but I was a coward, so afraid of... losing you that I decided to remain silent instead, and ah, how much I regret it now.” He had to keep a pause, gulping hard. “I can tell you it was eating me inside.”
Exactly the same thoughts had kept them both at the bay.
Reki’s finger then moved to brush the edge of Langa’s lower lip, causing him to shake. He refused to believe this was happening.
This was too good to be true.
”There never has and never will be anyone else besides you, Langa.”
The next thing Langa noticed was that he was dragged from his nape, straight to lips. And not just to anybody’s. To Reki’s.
And there came the real answer for everything. The seal: Langa wasn’t alone in this. It wasn’t only in his imagination.
He wanted to run to the streets and yell his lungs out.
Opening his mouth and allowing the kiss to go deeper, Langa gasped at Reki's mouth. It was a short one, yet much better than the former attempt - much more intimate and mutual.
Far more than kissing a statue - hopefully, a promise of something more.
Even though there had been several sweet moments tonight, Langa knew now what the ultimate number one was going to be.
Hesitantly, the duo had to retreat, trying to catch up with their feelings. There they stayed, foreheads touching each other. Their bodies knew, had known for much longer than their minds.
That sweet, intoxicating odor of cinnamon, mixed with the lavender oil, filled all Langa’s senses. Somewhere - maybe from a cheesy gossip magazine, but still -, Langa had read people tended to choose their companion by the scent, and it made sense: the scent of Reki had always managed to make him go nuts.
So, this was how it should feel. Somersaults so wild filled Langa’s stomach, his whole body and mind, but this wasn’t the suitable moment to swoon.
This was only the start of something beautiful, something Langa had been longing for so long but had been too scared to do anything for. It had to be Reki, who fueled that need, pushed Langa forward.
Dear Lord, how much he loved this man. There was no need to hide it anymore.
”Reki,” Langa breathed, ”I… I want to be everything to you. I know it’s not much, but all I can offer is... myself.
Just ask and I’ll do anything for you. I’ll offer you everything I can.”
Reki leaned back and tilted his head to the side, taking a better view of the man he loved. He sighed - not out of fatigue though. A smile was sporting on his features, this time without any mischievousness.
It was genuine adoration that beamed from him.
”That is more than I could ask for. You’re everything I’ll ever need,” Reki whispered before he dragged Langa for another, lingering kiss - no more hesitation in his actions.
Because they both knew, excited as ever to take the leap to the unknown.
Together.
~***~