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This is a bad idea.
A terrible idea.
Why did he even think about it?
"You sure you want me to be there in this condition?" Jisung asked.
Jaemin's hand tightened around the steering wheel at the question. "I can help you, you know, with fixing that…"
"my face is a that now?"
*****
Jisung had a bad reputation in their college and only Jaemin knew that he was not the same guy everyone thought he is. Jaemin knew him for a long time now. They were childhood neighbors and ended up sharing a lot of time. But then life happened, and Jaemin had to move. Leaving in between middle school and now leading his college life and that's when all this went wrong.
You see, Jisung is not exactly the one who can speak up right at once, but if he does then that's not good either. His emotions build up to anger. His silence turned into violence. He got into fights quite often, ruining his whole perfect face of his with dark bruises and bloody cuts. He became shady after that and Jaemin was not there to help him with this situation.
Jaemin never heard anything about his situation. No one ever told him. His contacts with Jisung were lost at once and he was too busy to get them back. But then he got a call from an unknown number.
Hello?
Yes, am I speaking with Park Jisung's guardian.
The name he heard got him immediately concerned and breathless.
I- I am his friend…
Can you please come here? He is severely injured and is currently in our hospital. Hello? Are you there?
Please tell me the hospital's name.
And there he was, sitting on the bed, with bandages covering up his body, face bruised and emotionless. Jaemin never asked him about the details, even though it was the first time they met after a long time. Jisung looked guilty but he never said anything as well.
And after talking to him, he found out that Jisung's parents threw him out. They gave him a share and left him on the streets. Jaemin took him in.
And now he was studying at his college just because Jaemin persuaded Jisung's parents, and he knew they could trust him. But it got even worse. Jaemin was so busy with his studies and part-time jobs that he forgot to look after Jisung. He is old enough, I don't have to look after him. But his actions made him think about it several times now. He would come home late, rarely eat anything at home, always end up in a fight, and comes home covered in blood (Jaemin has lost count of the number of times he had to stay up late at night just to see Jisung home and end up cleaning his wounds) and Jisung's major fault was that he never really talked about his problems. Just talk to me, please.
And that night, Jaemin lost it.
Jaemin was about to sleep when he heard the apartment door open, and he saw Jisung, covered with blood and bruises. Jaemin looked at him, he saw Jisung's burst lips lift after looking at him. "Hi Hyung…" Jaemin could see him flinch. "Sit on the couch, I'll bring the first aid box" and he turned around to hide his tears.
Jaemin always had feelings for Jisung, but those feelings were developing, even more, these days. Ever since he saw Jisung in the hospital that day, he fell for him more, looking at the kid who was once smaller than him, was now taller than him, but it also hurt him to see him like this, and he was more miserable that he doesn't know why he was doing this to himself. Jaemin was never brave enough to talk to him about it or to tell him how he felt about him.
Jaemin brought the first aid box and asked Jisung to show him the injuries. Jisung didn't hesitate. In the beginning, he didn't want Jaemin to see his filthy body, covered full of scars and bruises, but Jaemin being Jaemin made him show them eventually. Jaemin, as usual, never asked what happened, but Jisung's small flinching at the touch of the antiseptics was always concerning. Jaemin dropped his hand and looked down. "Hyung, are you okay?" Jisung asked in a soft voice. "No, I am not…" the silence was enough to make his mumble loud enough for Jisung to hear. "No," he started again. "No I am not okay, Jisung!" He raised his head, looking straight into Jisung's eyes. Jisung saw how his tears were threatening to fall. "When we were kids, you were the most peaceful child ever! You never even threw a tantrum, you don't even do it now, you don't even complain about your problems nor do you talk about them, you don't even cry!" he took a sharp breath in, swallowing a sob, "and after all these years I saw you again, and you a-are so tall, and all mature a-and hurt, covered with bruises all the freaking time, and you don't even say a thing!" Jisung saw a tear running down Jaemin's cheeks. Jaemin bit his lips, trying to calm himself down, "Please don't get hurt, I will not ask you why you do this, but p-please don't get hurt, because it hurts… me…" he sniffed softly. He rested his head on Jisung's knees, "I don't want to see you like this…". The silence was now filled with Jaemin's small sniffing. Somehow he felt like a burden was lifted from his heart. That's when he felt Jisung's hand on his head, going through his hair, "I'll tell you everything, just… just give me time,"
*****
They were currently in Jaemin's car, driving out of the city, to meet Jaemin's parents, who opened a new flower shop. Jisung knew Jaemin's parents and he also knew how Mrs. Na loved flowers. He thought it was the perfect job for her.
Whereas Jaemin was sweating buckets.
After that night, he was having a mental breakdown every time he looked at him. This plan was made when Jaemin's mother came to his apartment to tell them about it. They loved Jisung as much as they loved Jaemin.
"I don't want to go like this, your mom would freak out," Jisung said while having his fingers on his bruised lower lip and Jaemin regretted seeing that.
His feelings for Jisung were recently bursting out often. His skinship with Jisung has increased too. And now looking at him, with his goddamn beautiful fingers on his bruised lips, it didn't help him. Jaemin focus, you are driving a car, focus! "Ahem" shit that came out loud, he turned to look at Jisung, who was already looking at him, like he never looked away. "Y-you want me to take care of those cuts?" He cursed himself for stuttering.
"You already did that last night, and these are not going too soon, I guess I have to go like this…" Jaemin kept thinking about how the conversion affected them.
Both of them became a little awkward after Jaemin's little mental breakdown (more like Jaemin just ran away from Jisung, to hide his bright red face). He looked at Jisung's face, Jaemin tried his best to cover up the dark bruises under some foundation and other makeup stuff. The cuts over his lip and across his cheek had a small band-aid. He wondered what was going on in his head. He wanted to listen to Jisung's thoughts. So bad. He felt a bit embarrassed after all the sobbing and ranting he did in front of Jisung that night. He was afraid that all this could be one-sided. Maybe Jisung never actually saw him as anything more than a childhood older friend. He just wants to hear him.
The moment they arrived, Jaemin's mom took Jisung into her arms, ignoring her child. She loved Jisung that much. Even though she saw the cuts, and had her fingers over them, she never said anything, just like Jaemin. She trusted him, just like he did.
Jaemin always found Jisung's eyes shining whenever he was near flowers. Not only now but back then when they were kids, running around the garden full of tiny flowers. Now the only difference was, back then the tiny Jisung would smile brightly and now this Jisung was hiding the happiness he got from those flowers.
It was a long way back to their home, so they left early. Neither one of them spoke much on their ride back home. Jaemin's mouth opened every few minutes to say something but ended up not saying anything. That's when Jisung spoke up.
"Hyung, can you pull over by the river? You know our usual spot, let's stay there for a while…" he looked at Jisung, he had his thumb making circles in his palm, one of his habits when he felt nervous or anxious. "Is everything okay, Jisung? You know I can pull up right here!"
"Oh no, hyung, that place is the only place I want to be. Can we go there, if you don't mind?" Jisung said softly. Something was bothering him.
Jaemin did what he asked him to. They drove them to the river. Their spot. He just parked his car a little away from the river. Jisung helped him to climb up the top of the car, so they could sit there and enjoy the setting sun. They didn't talk. They stayed next to each other, in their comfortable silence. Jaemin occasionally looked at the younger's face, admiring his side profile. He always knew Jisung was going to be a beautiful man one day, and he was witnessing it. The warm colors of the setting sun were shining on his face, making his facial details more beautiful and delicate.
"Do you like looking at me?"
"W-what?!" Jaemin was clearly out of his thoughts when he heard Jisung's question. "I don't know, you always look at me like that, I thought maybe you liked looking at me…" Jisung shrugged. "I-- I was not looking at you, I-- I was just admiring the tree on that side!" Jaemin tried to defend himself, but Jisung knew how terrible he was at lying to others. He gave him a look, and Jaemin understood what it meant. He gave up and said, "That's right, I was looking at you…" Jisung chuckled and turned to look at the river.
More silence.
And he talked.
"When we were kids, Hyung," Jaemin looked at him. "We barely left each other, don't you think?" And Jisung looked at him. Jaemin smiled at the scenario that Jisung gave him, "That's true, we were attached twenty-four seven." Jisung laughed a bit.
"Maybe I got used to it too much, way too much that it was unhealthy for me."
Jaemin's heart dropped. Those words from Jisung made his heart clutch. "When… when you left… I was not the same as you left me, I rarely went out," he took his time letting those words out of his mouth.
"You were there when someone bothered me, you made them go away from me, maybe I got used to it too much, so much that I couldn't defend myself when they came for me again." Jaemin's throat went completely dry. He knew how kids used to bother him in their middle school, and he had to leave when he was in his second year and Jisung was in his first.
"Jisung–"
"I tried to keep it up to myself; I didn't let anyone know about it." Jisung's Adam's apple bobbed like he was swallowing a sob. "I didn't call you back then because I was trying to be brave, but I failed." He laughed at the end. Jaemin had his eyes wet. "My emotions turned into violence, that's when it started, I chose fists over tears," tears rolling down Jaemin's cheeks. "My parents couldn't tolerate my nonsense anymore, so they gave me my share and threw me out of the house." He took a sharp breath in and continued. "I lived on the streets, off my friends, and in the motels, and ended up staying in hospitals for the night, if the injuries were bad, that's when you found me," he finally looked at Jaemin.
"I was trying to call you, every day, to tell you about how I couldn't take this anymore. Some part of me tried to blame you for coddling me too much and leaving me like this. I wanted to cry to you, I- I just wanted to be by your side."
And Jaemin kissed him.
He felt Jisung's soft lips against his. He had his hand over Jisung's, squeezing them a bit when he felt a teardrop on his cheeks. He opened his eyes to see Jisung. He was crying. Maybe that's what he needed. Warmth. That no one gave him after he left him. He naturally turned to Jaemin and kissed him again. A gentle kiss and warm hug are what he was yearning for all these years. He pulled him apart and hugged him tightly. He was a crying mess. His eyes were already red and swollen.
Jaemin's heart tightened. He was crying himself. It was heartbreaking to see the boy he loved crying in front of him. "I'm sorry Jisung, I should not have left you, I'm sorry, I should have called you when you needed me the most, I'm so sorry." He ran his fingers through his hair. His other hand patted him softly on his back. Jisung pulled out of the hug. Jaemin's hand automatically ran through his cheeks to wipe off the tears and proceeded to cup them. Jisung sniffed, "I love you, Jaemin, just be with me."
Jaemin looked at him. Jisung never asked him for anything. Never so desperately. He was willing to give Jisung the entire world if he might. His star, his universe, his Jisung. He brought his forehead close to Jisung's, feeling his gentle breath on his face and he said, "I'm never leaving you again."