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"When we were kids, hyung," Jaemin looked at him. "We barely left each other, don't you think?" And Jisung looked at him. Jaemin smiled, "That's true, we were attached to each other twenty four seven." Jisung laughed a bit.
"Maybe I got used to it so much, that it was unhealthy for me."
———————
Not all kids are the same. Well, all kids must have listened to this particular phrase once in their lifetime. And so did Jisung. Jisung was the kid who made people think that he was that unwanted child of his parents. Even he agrees to it. But he was too young to think about it. He was not the brilliant, outgoing, socialized and bright kid that his parents wanted him to be. They basically wanted him to become like his older sibling brother. And being siblings, they were completely different from each other. An average student with decent marks, shy, antisocial and dull kid, this was Jisung.
But expecting so much from a ten year old kid was a bit too much and no one was there to say otherwise to his parents.
Maybe that's why he had dinner more often in Na residents than in his own house.
Jisung was always welcomed to their house. He has been visiting their house ever since Jaemin brought him home from the playground when he was eight and Jisung was seven.
———————
"Why are you sitting here all by yourself?" Jisung lifted up his head to see the boy, a bit taller than him, looking at him, with his head tilted. His face was red, bangs drenched with sweat after running around the playground with his other friends.
"My parents want me to play outside, but I don't have friends…" he was surprised that he answered to someone who he barely knew. That was the first time he ever did so. Somehow the bunny-like boy in front of him made him feel safe.
"Want me to be your friend?"
———————
If Jisung had a friend, it was always Jaemin. No one else. Neither he was open to anyone nor anyone offered him their friendship first. He was the shy kid who was awkward around everyone and didn’t try to change himself a bit. The only change he had, that Jaemin by his side.
Going to the same school was not a coincidence for them. Because Jisung knew he wouldn't be able to survive if Jaemin wasn't there for him. Jisung was not the one who convinced his parents for it. It was Jaemin. And oddly, they trusted the boy.
Going to the same school, that doesn't mean Jaemin was going to be around him every time. And it took Jisung a little while to understand that. His class felt more lonely, his classmates weren’t exactly welcoming, you see. Maybe it was also his fault for not opening up to them. His grades never improved from average, so his parents were giving up hopes for him. Jisung never felt a bit of anger while watching this behaviour of his parents. He never whined about it or cried about it. It was his fault that his parents were forgetting about his existence.
Being bullied was something he never thought would ever happen to him. But that was just Jisung being naive.
One moment he was just sitting on his desk and the other, he was against the wall with three boys surrounding him. He closed his eyes everytime those boys told him something harsh. Stop being the nicest one you are trying to be. We are sick and tired of listening to teachers, talking about you. You friendless insect. Jisung couldn't say anything about it. Because those words were true indeed.
"Hey you all, get back from Jisung!"
He heard a familiar voice.
Jaemin hyung.
"Can't you hear me?" Jaemin grabbed one's collar and pushed him back, "get away from him!" The boys moved back and Jaemin was now holding his hand. Jisung knew this was going to add more fuel to the fire.
Jaemin, barely left his side since then.
Jisung got all sorts of looks when he was in his class. He's such a weirdo. He ignored it. Why is he so quiet all the time? He ignored them again. He looked outside his room, like he was waiting for someone and, Look, his guard dog is back again. And they were talking about Jaemin. And now he was too afraid to say anything against it. Is this all he can do when the boy protects him every time? Will he sit still and listen to those words against him?
Yes, he did.
Jisung was pampered, yes, but not the correct way. His parents pampered him by letting him do whatever he wanted, since they never cared about him and Jaemin pampered him by not letting the boy learn how to stand up for himself.
And Jisung never realised it until the older had to move away from him.
Which he thought was completely ridiculous.
Can't Mr. Na can go alone and work there? Why does he have to take Jaemin with him? Why does he have to take Jaemin away from me?
He knew he sounded ridiculous. That's how he came to realise how his world was revolving around that one boy. That one boy who became his friend. That one boy who talked to him when no one else did. That one boy who loved him more than his own parents, and maybe loved him more than anyone near him had ever loved him.
Jisung came to realise the meaning behind the word love when he saw Jaemin sitting at the back seat of the car, waving at him goodbye.
He never knew it would be their last time watching each other.
I promise you I'll call you everyday.
All lies.
Jisung waited and waited, but all he could only think of was how empty Jaemin's words were. The effort from his side was also to be blamed. Jisung had his number. He memorized the number by heart, like it was something he should never forget about. He hated himself the most, for not having enough courage to call him. To tell him how he felt. To tell him that he loves him, even though he knew what the older's answer would be. Jisung just wanted him to know how badly he missed him.
Just come back to me.
Years passed and high school was harsh on him. A little bit too harsh that his parents had to make him transfer school quite too often.
We have received a report from the students and the parents that your kid hit three students on their face. These types of actions are something we won't tolerate. Therefore, we expel him from this school.
Surprising isn't it?
A soft, shy and sweet boy like Jisung beat three kids on his own. A boy who could never see people in their eyes, a boy who could never start a conversation by himself, a boy who stayed at home like it was the only place he had got, that same boy beat those bullies.
Seems like your bodyguard left you alone. You are meant to be alone. Nobody wants you. Not even your bodyguard.
That's what triggered him. Nobody wants him. He took those words to his heart and threw a punch right on the boy's face. His bony knuckles made the other shred blood at once. Once he felt how good it felt, he never stopped. His head stayed blank hearing nothing but the words: nobody wants him. His lungs gasped for air as he kept throwing punches. His heart raced so fast that it hurt. His heart wants someone so desperately to calm him down. Take him away from those despicable beings who may have told him the truth. It hurts. That's when he started to take care of his poor fragile heart through violence.
Nobody wants him.
The words got printed in his mind ever since that day. Jisung couldn't handle himself anymore. He never realised it when he lost his ability to cry. He was not the same kid he was once used to be.
You have to be good with everyone, Jisung-ah, that's how you make yourself different from the rest of the world. You have to be the sweet boy you are. Jaemin's ten year old voice echoed in his head. A little too high pitched when he comes to think about it. Jisung always wondered what it would sound like. He scrolls up the contact list in his phone to find the very familiar number. His finger lingered above the boy's name. But he was too afraid to call him. Because Jisung had let him down. He was not the good kid that he once told him to be. That sweet boy was gone, his pure heart was ripped and he was ruined.
———————
Nobody wants me.
One punch.
My parents don't want me.
Another punch.
He doesn't want me.
———————
Jisung graduated high school with scars and bruises on his face. He went around beating people who bullied him. His average scores and bloody knuckles made his parents give up on him. They didn't want to deal with him anymore.
Take your stuff and leave this house, you can't be with us anymore. Do whatever you want, just don't contact us ever again. You are not our son. You can't be our son. You are a monster!
Jisung wanted to scream back at them, that who made him the monster he was today. He wanted to scream how badly he wanted them to love him. How badly he did all this to gain their attention. Perhaps getting into fights will make them scold him, bring their attention span from his brother to him for once in their lifespan. At least that's what he thought would happen. But nothing worked.
Jisung picked up his bags, he wanted someone to stop him. So desperately. He turned his back to those people instead, to that house and tried to forget the warmth that he once got from that house, that only place he ever had to hide from the nasty people out there. He was leaving them for good, for their good, for his good. They don't need him anymore.
———————
Staying on the streets was more painful and cold than Jisung imagined it to be. It was cold and blank. He moved to the place where Jaemin went to all those years ago, just in a hope that he might run into him someday.
Unfortunately, he was never immune to bullying. Oh there's a homeless guy, let's gang on him. Jisung hated to use his energy on those unknown strangers but he couldn't help it. No one was there to stop him. But sometimes again, he willingly picked a fight, because spending a night in a hospital bed was better than rough concrete benches in those dark playgrounds.
That's when he met Chenle. The absolute angel he was. He helped the boy. He gave him shelter when he was out of those emergency wards. He was there for him. He was very much alike to him, but then again different. Jisung couldn't help but to get envious of the support Chenle had. Thank you were the words that ever came out of his mouth whenever he was addressing him.
But Chenle was not here today. In fact he was not in the town to help him out of the hospital. Today was a bit rough for him and even Jisung accepted it. The kick on his ribs and the cuts over his face was proof of it. Every injury hurts to him, of course, he's not immune to pain but it was somehow less painful than from what his heart goes through everyday.
While lying down on the ground after that huge fight of his, his eyes were nearly closed. Jisung knew no one was there to help him now. It's too dark and empty for a place to be. He lay there as his clothes soaked in his blood from the injuries all over his body. All fresh and painful injuries rubbed against the hard ground under him as he tried to move. He recoils when he lifts up his hand to search his phone. And without any thoughts, he called Jaemin.
"The number you have called is currently busy, please–"
That's all he could hear from the other end.
"Even, he is busy…"
That's all he said before he saw a man running towards him through his half closed eyes. And he lets the darkness take over him as always.
Jisung saw him covered with bandages and wires like always. The person who brought him up to hospital stayed till he gained his consciousness. He thanked him and watched the man go. And saw him enter.
There he was.
Jaemin.
His Jaemin.
How can he forget him? That boy was still the same. Except he got taller and his face lost all those squishy baby cheeks that once had. His jaw got more sharp and straight. His eyes seemed big as always. His black jet hair was short and messy like he just woke up. And Jisung realised too late that it was nearly four in the morning. He tried to smile at him. Showing as if nothing wrong happened to him. Jisung tried to read Jaemin's expression from a distance. He got nothing but sadness all over his face.
Jisung cursed himself for showing this side of himself for the first meeting after all this time. Let's also mention that he was half naked in the current situation.
"Hi hyung," that's all he could say when Jaemin got closer to him. Jaemin looked at him. Of course he, too, has changed. Taller, mature, ruined, destroyed. Jisung was nervous because Jaemin must be thinking about all those injuries and bruises and all the other stuff that he was watching over the younger's body. But he was not going to talk about it, because he was Jaemin. He will never talk about stuff unless Jisung starts talking about it first. He always did that. Can't he just scold me or anything for this? I shouldn't have ca–
"Get dressed, let's go home."
That was the only thing he said.
Jisung felt like he was finally going home this time. After so, so long.
———————
Jisung never really thought about what he would do next after meeting Jaemin. He just wanted to hug him close, whisper to him the words he wanted to tell him all these years and kiss him till he gets enough of his skin. But he couldn't do these either. Jisung ended up staying in that one room that Jaemin told him that would be his from now on. He just naturally told him about his life to Jaemin when the older came in with warm soup and some jellies, his favorite. He told him how he was kicked out of the house, never really told the reason behind the visible scars and Jaemin never asked.
Initial days with Jaemin brought him the slightest peace he never once witnessed in his life. His whole nineteen years have been full of chaos. Jaemin let him rest and did not allow him to leave the house for the whole two weeks and he still had his persuading skills that always worked on Jisung. But he was prone to fights and bullying. Jisung knew Jaemin was planning something to stop this somehow.
"You are coming with me to the university tomorrow." Jaemin said as he continued to stroke Jisung's hair as he lay down on the couch, resting his head in Jaemin's laps.
"Huh? Why?" He jolted up straight, looking at the older with a confused look.
"I applied for you in my university and you are accepted, your classes are starting tomorrow." Jaemin said with a tiny smile on his face.
"But hyung, I really don't have that much money to pa–"
"Your parents paid for you. I talked to them." There he said it.
Of course Jaemin wanted to do something for him. Jisung did feel something was coming but he never expected that his parents who once abandoned him are somehow back in the picture. "What did they say?" Jisung fidgeting under Jaemin's glaze.
"You don't really need to know about that, you just have to come with me, now come here!" Jaemin pulled him down again to his laps and Jisung fell with a yelp leaving his mouth back to the same position they were before, in each other's, in their own little world, where no one disturbed them. Jisung wished to stay like this forever.
"Dance major sounds good to you, right? Because it's too late to change majors now?"
"Dance major? Me?!"
"Good thing I did that I added literature for you, it can be a plus point for you!"
"Excuse me?!"
———————
Jisung understood why he wanted him to join the university, to keep a close look at him, to keep him near him. Jaemin tried his best to cover up as many scars that Jisung had on his face so that he can give everyone a good impression but it didn't work.
Jisung is prone to fights and nothing is getting him out of it.
Jisung's first impression was bad. He paid attention to his class but never got involved or showed any sort of attention to his classmates, so they continued to ignore him. Out of his classroom, he got into a fight. Then he remembered how Jaemin used to save him from bullies in their school. Now the situation is the same, but the person he is now was different. Once Jaemin saw him beating up kids, but just stood there, standing and watching the beast in the younger. The blood in his heart urged him to clench his teeth, cursing himself for showing this side of him to Jaemin. The look on his face was absolute. Jaemin was good at hiding feelings but the current one was quite understandable. Jisung wanted the older to be disappointed in him, like once his parents were but he was upset, sad, concerned. And Jisung couldn't say anything because there were people throwing fists at him.
Jisung comes home with every new injury on his body every night. Some old wounds ruptured and some fresh ones oozed out more blood. Jaemin never questioned it because he knew what happened to him, because talks travel fast. Jisung was also known to be the friend of one of the most charming boys in the campus, and Jisung was surely ruining Jaemin's image. Jaemin helped him everytime he was hurt. He whispered him sorry whenever Jisung winced at the cold touch of the antiseptic. Like he was apologizing. Apologizing like he did those to Jisung. Jisung came here to confess his feelings, to be with him, to not to feel lonely anymore, but he was certainly giving Jaemin nothing but problems and worries.
The next time Jisung came home with injuries and scars it was Jaemin’s breaking point. No I am not okay, Jisung! You don't even complain about your problems nor do you talk about them, you don't even cry! And what he said next made his heart stop, “Please don't get hurt, I will not ask you why you do this, but p-please don't get hurt, because it hurts… me…"
Jisung’s world stopped right and then. Jisung’s hand lingered over Jaemin’s head, resting on his knees, to hide those teary eyes from the younger. Jisung can tell that he let out everything that he wanted to say from the very beginning. Jaemin’s voice echoed in his head like those words did one year ago. Jaemin wanted him. Somebody wanted him and that somebody was Jaemin. He felt his heart crying in joy but laughing in pain when he saw what he had done to Jaemin by his actions. Never once did he think that his action would affect someone but it did to Jaemin and it was the last thing he wanted to do. Jisung's hand on his head, going through his hair, "I'll tell you everything, just… just give me time,"
I will for sure, and I'll tell you everything.
———————
Meeting Mr. and Mrs. Na was an absolute bliss. He hugged them and never once felt so welcoming in his life. Mrs. Na's hugs gave him nostalgia. The woman's love was a part of his few happy childhood memories. She was like Jaemin, or he should say Jaemin was like her. She did the same thing after watching those scars, she ignored them, not entirely. Her fingers ran through them. "You have grown up so much, I can hardly reach your head!" She exclaimed followed by her girly giggle.
"I–" Jisung knew he owed her some sort of explanation.
"You don't have to explain everything to me, you know, as long as you are okay and growing up fine, I'm fine with it," her hands rested on his cheeks, tiptoed to kiss him on his forehead.
Realisation hit him like a collapsing hill during a landscape. He wanted someone to love. That's why he wanted Jaemin next to him. They loved him. He was welcomed there with warm hugs and comforting kisses. He never hated his own family. He just wanted them to love him, welcome him, adore him, spoil him, take care of him.
"All kisses to him, just tell me to leave, I'll leave." They heard Jaemin whining from behind. They giggled.
———————
Confessing takes a lot of courage and after receiving all this love from Jaemin, Jisung finally told him everything. How his days turned dark after he left him. How his school memories were something that makes his blood rot even when he tries to remember them. How he hated all those bloody and painful fights that he fought just to take out his overflowing emotions on someone which were holding on just fine till that one day when everything turned into a living hell, the day Jaemin left him behind.
"I was trying to call you, everyday, to tell you about how I couldn't take this anymore, some part of me tried to blame you for coddling me too much, for loving me so much and leaving me like this. I wanted to cry to you, I- I just wanted to be by your side."
Jisung felt a little weird when he found his cheeks wet, his eyes wet. He was crying. After so many years. His heart recoiled as he felt himself crying even harder under Jaemin's teary eyes. He even made Jaemin cry, great job Jisung! Maybe i shouldn't have–
His mind stopped when he felt something soft on his lips. In fact another pair of lips. More softer, more sweeter than his. Jaemin was kissing him. His eyes closed shut when he realised what was happening to him. Jaemin's hands made their way to his cheeks. Lifting up his jaw to get a better way to get a taste of his lips. He cried on his soft touch, Jisung's hands went around Jaemin's arms, to grab him tight, so that doesn't leave him again, to not let him go again.
Both of them parted with wet cheeks and shiny lips. Jisung hugged the older, burying his head in the crook of the older's neck. His cries were getting even louder and heavier. Jaemin was there for him. His hug could tell him so. His hands went through his hair, caressing them. "I'm so sorry Jisung, I'm so sorry," his own voice was heavy and Jisung felt tears on the bottom of his neck. Jaemin cried as he pulled Jisung impossibility closer to him. "I shouldn't have left you there alone, I shouldn't have protected you like that, it's my fault–"
"I love you Jaemin."
The words slipped out of his mouth so carelessly. He knew Jaemin loved him. He loved him from the very first day. The day he held his hand as his friend and till now. Jaemin was his mirror now where he saw his emotions reflecting back at him. He needed Jaemin, he just can't lose him.
Jisung pulled out of his embrace after pouring out all of his tear glands and soaking Jaemin's shirt for which he clumsily said sorry to him. Jisung inhaled some air. Somehow he felt light and empty. He took a look at Jaemin, his hands naturally moved in closer to him. Hands over his wet eyes, thumbs running down to wipe off the tears. "I love you so much Jaemin, just be with me." He exhaled like it was his final breath left in his lungs. Jaemin's hand picked up his hands, placing a kiss on his knuckles and caressed his cheeks against them.
Jaemin looked overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions and Jisung read them all. Jisung learnt how to laugh. Jisung learnt how to cry. Jisung learnt how to love because of him. Jaemin had a space for him in his life and he was happy for that.
Jaemin brought his forehead to join with Jisung's, making him feel his gentle breath on his face and he said, "I'm never leaving you again."
"Next student please introduce yourself." The professor called out and there was a tingling feeling inside Jisung's stomach. He stood up, confident, showing off his perfect face, now not so covered with scars. He stood there all shy and awkward after getting attention from everyone. It was new. And he introduced himself.
"Hi, I'm Park Jisung, and I hope to be a good friend and a better person to all of you."