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Imagine what it must feel like returning from an expedition beaten and exhausted from another failed mission to take back wall Maria that got half of your squad killed.
The crowd would jeer at you in the blazing heat and you would have to force the tears back and hold your head up high while listening to them call your comrades “worthless pigs”. Perhaps they are right. Perhaps all these endeavors are a waste of time.
But one glance at the blue and white symbol of hope sitting on that majestic white horse is enough for your own doubts to wash away.
Erwin hears the insults hell, he feels the impact each flick of the tired citizens fling at him yet he does not waver.
Instead he strides through town wishing the four corner cold room of his office could hide his own frustrations. Frustrations that sometimes find their voices in the dead of night when he’s positive the others are dead asleep.
Of course, your groggy eyes would do nothing but stare at the canopy of your empty room. A room that feels suffocating after you saw your roommate viciously slaughtered like cattle.
Through your own agony and grief you hear it. It’s small and barely audible but you’re too alert from the days activities to ignore the sullen way the room three doors down shakes with anticipation until it’s right upon you.
Crying.
He’s crying. Softly to himself at first a few tears leak onto the death certificates that have piled up by the many on the corner of his desk. Eventually the black ink smudges until the names of the fallen are unintelligible and the remorse is too great for even he to see.
You shouldn’t budge into other peoples affairs, you should close your eyes and try to get some sleep for tomorrow brings new faces and new regrets.
Still, listening to the soft way your superior sniffles and gasp for breath is too much even for your own tormented mind and suddenly you find yourself barefoot standing in front of his well polished door with your hand raised ready to accept the consequences of being out past curfew.
It’s almost as if you can envision his agony through the solid door.
His broad shoulders that are usually straight and intimidating are now slouched over his desk heaving in a steady rhythm.
Those perfect sky blue eyes that can see a battle strategy in the threat of danger are now red and glossy; blurred with hazy vision with a slight sting from overuse.
His golden hair that shines with triumph when the morning sun hits it at just the right angle just before an expedition is probably in disarray after his sturdy hands left it an unkempt mess.
Indeed you can picture every detail of the man you held the greatest amount of respect for. Even now as your hand knocks on the fine wood you picture the way his body jumps in surprise before straightening in that prideful manner he holds so well. “Levi…c-come in.”
There’s no need to ache at his unaware thoughts of his subordinate being outside the door for even the Captain is listening to his friends cries from a few doors down.
It takes everything in your power to push all thoughts aside, risking the punishment of being caught and open the door.
You must have some sort of sixth sense for all your earlier speculations are correct except for one.
Thinking a man who could lead an army into battle and face the threat if titan head on without a care could be so composed at a time like this left you stunned.
The room was in tatters just as you presumed with his uniform and hair wrinkled and disarray and there was the paperwork sitting in the corner in an inky concoction of paper and tears.
Yet his face was not as your assumed.
Instead of a trembling lip which most would acquire when letting their emotions run free, Erwin was smiling.
A sad smile with hidden doubt behind the pink bundle of cracked tissue.
How he did it, you truly did not know for now your earlier confidence seemed to shrink right through the open door back towards your lonely room of death. “Oh. I thought you were Levi. Can I help you with something? It’s late and I don’t think Levi would appreciate your presence out past curfew.”
He always spoke with such eloquence. A trait that carried over into his physical body. Even now as you stood there gawking at his reaction, that feeling of doubt bubbled just on the surface, skimming the barrier of embarrassment with the slightest hint of annoyance.
Here you were worried about the man who had enough experience to douse your own tenfold. There was no reason for your presence in his immaculate office, and there was no reason to even suggest that the Commander was anything but strong.
Still, your thoughts turned into actions and Erwin watched with an unwavering gaze as your closed the door and strode over until your hips brushed the side of his desk where his own still sat with a quill in hand.
A few tissues littered the waste bin, unseen under his massive desk and a cold cup of tea sat untouched on the opposite side. Cold just like your room. Just like the atmospheres around you and no amount of heat from the crackling fire could comfort the ice in both your souls. “Private? It’s past curfew, if you have business with me I can assure you it can wait until the morning.”
“With all due respect Commander it’s already morning.” An outstretched finger met his eye and when he turns to follow the direction he is shocked to see the slight hues of orange and pink that paint the once midnight sky. “Ah I see, I must have lost track of the time. Nonetheless it is still too early to discuss your report on the last expedition. Now if you’ll exc-
“- I can’t sleep Commander. I- I came here because I was worried about you.” You stuttered through your words suddenly feeling intimidated by his authority over you. “Worried about me?”
“Yes….I can hear you… I wanted to make sure you were all right.” The disbelief on his face was immeasurable; tearing right through your own heart, for the way his toned shoulders slumped in defeat made you feel guilty.
A few moments passed in silence between the two of you. Erwin did not deflect from your comment instead he stared straight ahead towards the door you had unceremoniously entered from.
It wasn’t until the first screech of melodic chirps filled your worried ears when Erwin finally decides to grace you with his words. “Ah I see. Let’s add that to the already growing list of my failures. I can’t even let my subordinates rest after forcing them to trudge towards death.”
His words were enough to reach straight down into your tormented soul rattling your core to no end. Erwin was strong. He wouldn’t haven been hand picked by Shadis if that were the case. The man held his own in ways you couldn’t even fathom.
Now, as his own words reach his own ears and the shocked expression on your face reflecting his own grief registered in the dim room did he allow the tears to fall once more.
You shouldn’t be here you think as you reach forward and wrap your arms around his broad shoulders that flinch from your movements.
You should be back in bed wishing sleep would have or should have come but now here you are pulling Erwin away from his desk and across his office to the door that leads off to the one space he rarely visits.
His bedroom. A white four corner room of solitude with crisp sheets that have yet to be tainted with exhaustion.
Erwin doesn’t know why he allows you to guide his tired body towards shelter. He’s your superior for crying out loud and he would gladly revoke your own ranking for your out of line approach yet he can’t seem to bring himself to lose the only feeling of comfort that you graciously bestowed upon him.
Boots carefully tucked on the side of his bed and gear hung on the metal hook in his closet you force him down against the plush pillows of the feather filled bed and don’t protest when he pulls you close toward his chest.
Your breath is constricted from his massive weight yet you don’t mind. Instead you allow his tear filled mind to relax in your embrace as you caress the perfect golden locks of his hair and fall asleep to the morning sun.
Days pass after that encounter and you try your best not to think of the way Erwin clung to your body as if he were trying to hold his own ground in this unforgiving world.
It isn’t until your own gazes lock across the dining room on your usual morning breakfast routine that the blonde superior breaks away from his own conversation with his squad leaders and focuses on your own worried gaze.
His plush lips twitch up into a small sad and knowing smile and that’s all you need to know that he’s okay.
He doesn’t say anything, and you don’t need to bring it up and it’s only then in the comforting atmosphere of the once barren mess hall that he too has to remind himself that he is still human.