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“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”
“Oh come on, it’ll be fun!”
“Yeah the weather’s beautiful! We promise we’ll make it worth your while.”
The air pouring through the windows of Kaoru’s car was hot, but the three teenagers in the back and the green haired muscle brain in the driver’s seat refused to close their windows. The smell of salt water was strong, and it reminded Kaoru of the group’s trip to Miyakojima. Langa’s childlike wonder when staring out at the water, Reki, Miya, and Shadow messing around and playing games, and all of them, including Kojiro, trying to convince Kaoru to get in the water. He refused every time. He was fully willing to sit under his umbrella in his yukata and enjoy watching his friends make absolute fools of themselves. At the time, Kaoru had not yet had top surgery. That was the difference between that trip and this one.
It had been six months since his top surgery and this was his first time going to a beach since. Swimming wasn’t something he particularly missed after realizing he was trans, but he couldn’t ignore the pang of jealousy he felt in Miyakojima as he watched the boys run around, free to comfortably enjoy this pivotal part of summer, something he never had. At this point in his recovery, Kaoru’s scars were beginning to thin out and fade, especially with the strict scar care regimen he’s holding himself to, but they’re still noticeable. Kaoru is rarely one to care about how others see him, but he couldn’t help but feel anxious.
When Kojiro proposed another beach day to the group, Kaoru was genuinely excited (though he’d never admit it). He made a show of refusing, but ultimately knew that he would agree. His first time swimming in heaven knows how long, finally.
“Look Reki!” Langa pointed between Kaoru and Kojiro at the beach which was coming into view. Kaoru allowed himself a small smile before beginning to realize what was truly about to happen. He told himself that he would go shirtless, meaning that he didn’t have a rash guard with him. People would see his scars. They may stare, people may ask questions. He shook the thoughts from his head and instead focused on Kojiro, who was driving particularly slow to annoy Shadow, who was on a motorbike behind them. Kaoru rolled his eyes, but chuckled nonetheless.
Once they had parked, they began unloading all of their bags, Shadow somehow able to keep all of them from launching themselves into the water without a second thought. As usual, Kaoru brought his umbrella and set up his spot a fair bit away from the rest of the beach goers, he didn’t think he could handle stares at that moment. Kojiro set up his towel right outside of Kaoru’s circle of shade, and began to apply his sunscreen. He watched from over his sunglasses as Kojiro rubbed a hand over the back of his neck (the place he always forgot to protect), and Kaoru pulled his yukata over the sliver of scar that was peeking out. Kaoru sat back in his beach chair and watched a lifeguard scold Miya for holding Reki’s head underwater.
“What was that?” Kojiro asked.
Kaoru jumped a bit, startled at the sudden voice, “What was what?”
“Don’t think I didn’t notice that little wardrobe adjustment, are you doing okay?” Kojiro capped the sunscreen and knelt down to put it back in Kaoru’s bag, staying there so he could look Kaoru in the face. Kaoru didn’t think he would notice, but 20 years of knowing someone will do that to you.
“I’m fine, you go on.” Kaoru pushed his sunglasses up his nose and looked back at the water. Truthfully, he wasn’t fine. He wanted nothing more than to join them and pretend to get angry when Reki splashes him only to laugh and splash right back. He wished he could just take off this godforsaken yukata and feel the sun on his chest, but something was stopping him.
“Kaoru,” After he turned, Kojiro slowly took Kaoru’s sunglasses off and put them into the bag, “What’s wrong?”
Kaoru huffed, “I said I was fine dimwit, now go make sure Miya doesn’t send Reki to the hospital.”
“I can tell you’re uncomfortable, and if you want me to help I will, but I can’t unless you tell me what’s wrong.”
“Did I say I wanted-” Kaoru stopped himself and took a breath. Kojiro’s eyes were warm and honest, he truly did want to help. Kaoru looked back to the water, “I’m scared.”
Kojiro’s eyebrows knit together in concern, “About what?”
Kaoru looked to his right to a father and his sons building a sandcastle, he touched a hand to his chest subconsciously, running his finger along the raised skin, “I thought I was through with worrying about this but I don’t…I don’t want to get hurt.”
Kojiro’s eyes flicked down to Kaoru’s chest and he nodded, “That’s okay. If you’re not ready for this you’re not ready.”
Kaoru’s head snapped back to face Kojiro, “No. I want to be ready.”
“Okay, then what can I do to help? I promise no one will give you shit, I highly doubt anyone here will even know what your scars even mean.”
Kaoru nodded. It was true, people haven’t really caught on to what top surgery scars look like, so it was unlikely that anyone would approach him about them.
“I think I’m angry with myself,” Kaoru confessed, “Recovery was one of the most difficult things I have been through, I don’t want to feel like that was for nothing.”
“The similarity between recovery and now,” Kojiro placed a gentle hand on Kaoru’s forearm, “Is that I’m here. I can help you through this just like how I helped you through that.”
Kaoru laced their fingers together and gave Kojiro a soft smile, “Thank you, love.”
“The shit you went through in recovery wasn’t for nothing. You’re free now, right?”
Kaoru squeezed his hand gently then let go, “Yes, yes I am.” That was all the courage Kaoru needed to push himself over his self induced mental barrier. He untied the band that was holding the sides of his yukata together and sat forward, slowly letting the smooth fabric fall down his shoulders. He didn’t go through two months of pain and discomfort only to skip out on one of the reasons he went through the pain in the first place.
Kojiro placed a hand on Kaoru’s cheek, “Still scary?”
“Yes, but I have you, don’t I?” Kaoru leaned in to give Kojiro a gentle kiss, “Would you care to join me for a swim?” Kaoru began to stand up, but Kojiro grabbed his wrist and tugged him down.
“What?”
“Sunscreen, dummy.” Kojiro rummaged through Kaoru’s bag for the sunscreen and squeezed some out onto his palm, “What did the doctor say? Apply it to the scars every 2 hours?”
“I believe so, yes.”
Kojiro took some of the lotion on his fingers and looked to Kaoru, “May I?”
It took Kaoru a moment to realize what he was asking, then nodded. Kojiro dragged his fingers across the delicate skin, careful not to hurt Kaoru. The skin there was numb, so there was no real way to harm him, but Kaoru was too stunned by the focus on Kojiro’s face as he touched the scars to tell him. It was a type of intimacy that Kaoru never thought he would experience. This type of love, this type of care, it was foreign to him. Kaoru felt like he might cry when Kojiro’s left hand lingered on his side, his thumb caressing the end of the scar.
He leaned forward and placed a kiss in the center of Kaoru’s chest and leaned back, “That should do it,” He looked up at Kaoru, “You ready?”
Kaoru smiled, “Yes.”
He took Kojiro’s hand and let him lead the two of them into the freezing ocean to meet their friends.
“Cherry!” Reki called, “Looking good!”
“He just needed some alone time with his husband before hanging out with us,” Miya stuck his tongue out at Kojiro, who quickly returned the gesture.
Kaoru was waist deep in the ocean now, and he was so focused on trying to adjust to the temperature of the water that he didn’t notice Langa coming up next to him. He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned.
“I’m glad you could join us,” Langa said, offering a quiet smile.
“Me too.”
Being trans would always come with its struggles, even this far down the line, but here he was, shirt off, scars out for the world to see, with his friends who would be by his side whenever he needed them.