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Maya came home to the pleasant smells of Carina's cooking and it almost made her forget what she had been thinking about all day, the thing she had to tell Carina because to keep it from her was just cruel, and whatever came of it, at least she had told the truth.
"Ah, hello Bella, good day?"
"Mm-hm." Maya murmured without much heart, her every nerve was on edge, worried about approaching this topic. "rough, but that's to be expected."
"Well, I can't say that I'm thrilled that you're running into burning buildings again, but I suppose I will have to adjust. We both will."
"Yup." Maya agreed, popping the p a bit, something she only did when she was trying to fill a silence when she was nervous.
"Are you sure everything is okay Bambina? You seem, distracted."
Maya sighs, sitting at the kitchen island, Carina knew her better than she even knew herself sometimes, of course she had caught on quickly that Maya wasn't quite all there today. She loved that her wife cared so much, that love and concern was a welcome difference from what she was used to, and it always caught her by surprise, how in tune her wife was with her inner voice.
"Can we talk?" she swallowed, her throat dry. "I don't want to fight, I just need to say something."
Carina regarded her curiously, Maya hadn't been so straightforward in quite a while. She nodded after another second, turning away just long enough to set the hot pan she was cooking in aside and turn off the stove.
"Of course we can Bambina, we can always talk." She turned back to Maya, smiling softly, showing not a hint of malice, nothing to indicate she was upset and Maya knew she wasn't, not at all. "How about we sit? Okay, and then we can talk. Sound okay yes?"
Maya nodded, unable to form words at the moment, all her energy was spent on the words she had to say, the words that might just destroy her wife, but she had to say them, she had promised herself she would, she just hoped it wouldn't turn ugly, the last thing she wanted was a fight, not about this, not tonight. Maya let her wife lead her to the sofa, the brunette situating herself and Maya comfortably, brushing her blonde hair away from her face gingerly.
Carina didn't push, she waited ever patient, for Maya to speak. She knew the blonde would open up in her own time. The one thing this marriage had taught her, patience. Maya had given it to her, she had to return it at some point. Until she was ready, Carina was content to hold her, occasionally peppering her lady lover's neck with sweet kisses, anything to calm her down and loosen her up.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few months," Maya finally broke the silence, "I think I've given this more thought than I have anything else ever. And, and, this isn't easy for me to say because I hate the idea of hurting you, of disappointing you, but I hate the idea of lying to you even more."
Carina's fingers found her wife's and she held her hand in her own, a silent gesture but it said more than words right now. It told Maya Carina was listening, and letting her have her feelings, even if she didn't understand them just yet.
"I don't know what else to do besides tell you the truth and let you do whatever you want with it, even if you decide to leave, I can't keep keeping this from you, it's killing me."
Maya chokes on the words, the beginnings of a sob catching them as they tumbled from her lips. It terrifies her, the idea of Carina leaving, of regretting her choice to marry her, of proving the inner voice in her head, the one that didn't belong to her, right. That no one could love her, that she was too broken to be worthy of someone else's love.
"Maya," Carina whispers, heart breaking at the words she was hearing, "You can tell me anything, I can see that you're struggling with it. Fidati di me, let me try to help."
Maya looks up at her wife now, tears blooming in the corners of both of her icy blue eyes, tears she's finding harder to hold back than she had first thought.
"I've been thinking for so long, going back over everything my father ever did to me. How cruel he was, how cold, how calculating. He messed me up bad Carina, he stole my childhood, made me work for any scrap of attention. He made me and Mason practically fight each other for his affection, and eventually, Mason just stopped fighting but even after he did, I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't know how. Nothing was ever good enough for him, nothing I did ever enough. I won gold on an ankle sprain and even that wasn't good enough because the injury ruined my track career for good. It never healed right because he never allowed me to let it. Even now it still aches sometimes."
She twisted her ankle as though to prove it, and Carina frowned, she had never known that, Maya hid her pain well, even from her.
"He turned me into himself, someone who was cold and uncaring. Who hurt people without a second thought. I hate that I was ever that person, that I was ever so blinded by him." Maya buried her head in Carina's chest, the softness of her shirt a small comfort. "I hurt my brother, my team, my friends, I hurt you so badly and I hate myself for it. I hate the person he turned me into, I hate that those are the mistakes I can't make better no matter how much I apologize and grow and learn, I can't make any of that go away and for some people, it will be all they remember about me, all they will ever focus on, and I can't Carina, I just can't, not yet, maybe not ever and I am so sorry."
Carina can hardly understand the words as they tumble forth from her wife's lips, she's crying so much and so hard that it all sort of blends together and she's ashamed to admit it takes her a stupid amount of time to decipher the jumble of watered down, broken fragments of sentences enough to fully understand.
"Silenzio tesoro. You're going to make yourself sick Bambina." Carina strokes a hand through blonde tresses, trying to soothe the cries that tug and rip at her tender heart, it aches and yearns for the pain she doesn't yet understand emanating from her wife. "You have to calm down Maya, sei al sicuro, I promise but you have to calm down now."
Maya trembles in Carina's arms, shaking and continuing to sob just as harshly, as though the brunette hadn't spoken at all. She wasn't scared. She was terrified.
"I'm sorry." Maya sobbed against the tears still taking her every breath, her every lungful of air just created more tears. "I know how important, how much you want- and I can't, I don't know if I can ever give you that."
"I don't know what you're talking about innamorato, you're not making any sense."
She doesn't say it in an unkind way, more concerned than irritated, she needs Maya to calm down and stop crying before they can talk about whatever it is that's making her so upset.
"I can't let anyone else, another child, I can't, I can't let them grow up like that, no child deserves that Carina. No child deserves me. I won't let a child have the unfortunate luck to have me as a parent. I know you want children, I know you want to be a mom, and I would never take that dream away from you. You deserve to have that one come to fruition, you deserve to have the life you wanted, and I don't know if I can be a part of it. The voice I hear in my head, the one everyone says they're supposed to listen to isn't mine, it's my father's, it always has been and I don't know how to get rid of him. I've tried, he won't leave, even if he's not here physically, he's always in here." She used one finger to tap her temple, indicating what she meant, "and if we had a child, I have no way of promising he wouldn't show up again, and I can't have that. I can't become him."
It struck Carina like a knife wound, like a bullet. Maya had been so afraid to tell her, to admit she didn't want children, and if Carina was honest, brutally, it did hurt, because she wanted children but she didn't want just anyone's children, she wanted Maya's children. A family they would create together. Now was not the time for that though, right now she needed Maya to feel her touch, hear her whispered words of love because she had laid so much of herself at Carina's feet, made herself vulnerable and trusted Carina enough, loved her so much, that she had to tell her the truth, no matter what happened and that meant so much more to Carina than anything else at the moment.
"Quiet down now, it's time to calm down. It's all going to be just fine, hush." Carina cooed, still stroking Maya's hair, relief pouring through her when she heard Maya's sobbing quiet into tiny, fragile whimpers. "Ascoltami," she pleaded, "listen to me. You aren't even close to him, hmm?" she brushed Maya's hair back as her wife looked up at her. "you know how I know that?"
Maya shakes her head, when she looks in the mirror all she hears is the constant criticism, reminders she isn't good enough and she hasn't told anyone, not even Carina, not until now. There was no taking it back now, no returning the words to her lips, all her cards were now on the table and it was up to Carina to make the deciding play.
"Look at what you just did," Carina continues, "You knew you needed something and you asked for it, that's healthy, that's how marriage is supposed to work, or so I'm told." she says with a chuckle, "you just did the bravest thing I've ever seen anyone do, you were honest, even though you knew it might hurt me, you had no way of knowing what would happen and you still trusted me enough to tell me. You communicated in a healthy way, the way you're supposed to, the way we've been practicing, we've been practicing asking each other to talk when one of us needs something so that we can both process things in a healthy way instead of fighting, you did exactly what you were supposed to do by coming to me instead of bottling it and it slowly becoming a fight. I am so proud of you Bella, you did everything right. Your father would never do what you just did. Maybe you can't fix those mistakes, but you can learn from them and do better, that's all anyone can do, do better next time."
Maya hadn't been expecting quite this reaction, and she wasn't sure what to make of it. She had expected shouting, she had expected anger, she had expected, well, she had expected Lane, but Carina had never been quite so quick to anger, her fuse was longer and her heart bigger. She was still getting used to this healthy marriage thing, they both were. Both of them learning as they went.
"If we did have a child, we would make sure they were well taken care of and loved because we would be their mothers." Carina rationalizes, "but it's okay if you're not ready. We can wait a while longer, and, just so you know, it's also okay if you decide you don't want children at all." Maya opened her mouth to speak but Carina continues before she can, "I want to be a mom, that's true. I want our children to have the kind of bond Andrea and I had because my brother was so special to me, but I don't want that if I can't have you. I want you to be a part of wherever our lives go, whether it includes children or not. I don't want to do anything in this life without you next to me ever again. I love you, I don't care how often you need to hear me say that before you let yourself believe it, I love you. You're my wife. I married you because I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. I love you. I love you so much it almost hurts."
Maya presses her forehead lightly against Carina's, silently thanking her, communicating her own form of love. Her throat burned, raw from crying, but she was so beyond relieved, so warm with light and love it didn't matter. They stayed like that for, honestly neither really knew how long, until Carina stretched and stood up.
"Come." She took Maya's hand, pulling her into a standing position and grabbing her car keys, unlocking her car from inside the walls of the apartment. Maya raised a quizzical eyebrow.
"Where are we going?"
"If I told you all my secrets, marriage would get pretty boring."
"Being married to you could never be boring."
"Ugh, marriage has softened you, Captain."
Maya bit her lip regretfully and Carina realized too late what she said. It had been a slip of the tongue, an innocent mistake and Maya knew she hadn't meant any real harm, but damn, six months later, six months into the happiest chapter of her life, it still stung, burned, ached not unlike her improperly healed ankle.
"Bambina, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I forgot. I'm sorry."
It took her another second but Maya smiled, it wasn't huge, but it was a start.
"I know, it's okay. It still hurts, but I can live with it, at the very least I have to." She pushes Carina's shoulder playfully. "and I am not soft."
"Keep telling yourself that Bambina."
Carina laughs, eyes sparkling with love and pride.
"You're really not going to tell me where we're going?"
"And ruin the surprise? not a chance. Nice try though."
Carina takes Maya's hand again, and together they leave the apartment, making sure to lock it and find themselves in Carina's car after exiting the building itself. Carina turns the ignition and the engine purrs to life. It's a sound Maya has grown used to, and it is so pleasantly Carina that it makes her forgive the teasing remarks she receives when Carina drops her off at work in it.
Maya's hand goes to Carina's thigh as it usually did when her wife drove. She would probably never get tired of it, referring to Carina as her wife, marriage was magical even to her, who had never imagined settling down. Carina looks briefly down at Maya's hand on her leg, giving her a soft smile before returning her eyes to the road, always careful when she drove, too much loss had occurred for her to be anything less than hyper-vigilant.
Maya doesn't recognize the area when Carina finally puts the car in park, her wife turning to her with an enthusiastic smile, she was almost child-like in her giddiness and glee and Maya can't help but chuckle nervously.
"You're kinda freaking me out here."
"Do you trust me?"
"You know I do."
Maya relents, unable to resist Carina's smile, her unbridled happiness a sharp contrast to her own earlier outburst of emotion, she trusts Carina almost blindly, a testament to how truly safe Carina makes her feel. Safe enough to fall.
Carina steps out of the car, Maya following close behind. Carina says nothing even as they walk towards the building they'd driven to. As they get closer Maya hears it. Faint but sure barking. She stops, prompting Carina to stop too.
"I don't get it."
Carina chuckles, stepping forward to open the door for her wife, as she did so the barking grew louder.
"I thought this might cheer you up."
"You want a dog?"
It was almost funny, Carina wanting a dog, she wasn't sure why the idea was so strange to her, maybe it was because she only saw Carina in control of everything, and a dog was the opposite of predictable.
"Why not? We don't have to commit, this is just to make you smile. If you're not okay with it, it can end here. We don't have to go in."
She appreciated that Carina was letting her have a choice, but the louder the barking, the more she wanted this, maybe spending the afternoon with an animal who wanted nothing more than to love you would do her some good, there was no commitment here, this was just an afternoon.
"Okay. Let's do it."
Maya stepped through the open door, Carina following her inside. They were greeted almost instantly by a nice, polite-looking young woman, a bit younger than they were, Her uniform was navy blue, and her name tag read Marcie.
"Hi there. How can I help you folks today?"
Marcie spoke with a slight southern twinge, her cheery demeanor matched the energy of the pups she worked around, and if she objected to their relationship, she didn't betray that.
"Yes, My wife and I are looking to meet with some dogs today, maybe find the right match."
Marcie's face lit up when Carina spoke, clapping her hands in excitement.
"Of course! I can absolutely help you both with that. Are you looking for anything in particular?"
"My wife could use a little extra love."
Maya flushes with embarrassment at Carina's brashness, but she stays quiet, lets Carina take the lead.
"Couldn't we all?" Marcie laughed, "I think I have a few pups you might get along with, whenever you're ready I can bring you both back."
Carina reaches for Maya's hand, Marcie kept her sweet smile, by now obvious that she was absolutely fine with them, a relief to Maya to be sure.
"Ready?"
Maya nodded, Carina shooting her a warning look. Silently telling her to use her words.
"Yeah. I'm ready."
"Great! Follow me, right this way."
They followed Marcie past several barking dogs, most of them sniffing at Maya curiously as she passed. She'd always wanted a dog when she was a little girl, she'd never been allowed for obvious reasons. Rescuing a dog seemed like one of those things she wasn't allowed to do, even now. Before she even knows it, Marcie lets them into one of the private rooms in the back, most shelters she'd been to didn't have these, she wondered if Carina had picked this one because of that. That she wanted Maya to be comfortable and not feel too overwhelmed at once. Maya would never admit to needing those things, she was too proud, but that was okay, Carina knew without her admission.
"I'll let you guys chat while I go find someone who wants to meet you."
Marcie walks back through the door, leaving the wives to themselves for a bit.
"Thank you." Maya whispered, "For doing this."
"Si. Of course."
"Are you really not mad at me?"
Carina sighed, causing Maya to tense a little without meaning to. She hated that reaction, she always assumed she was going to get in trouble for something.
"Of course not," Carina assured, Maya sitting down beside her on the cold metal makeshift bench the room provided. "Stai bene bella. It's completely normal and healthy to have concerns, to be worried. I am too. We can get through all of it together." She shrugs, "Did you ever have any pets?"
"Nah. Dad always said they were a distraction we couldn't afford."
"Si, Papa always said Andrea and I couldn't handle a dog, that it would be too much work. In a way he was right, I was too busy raising myself and Andrea, and by the time they left, I was taking care of our father and the house, while juggling school and the occasional girlfriend."
"None of that should have been on you. You didn't deserve that."
Before Carina can respond, the door opens again, Marcie had returned, a sweet-looking beagle on a red leash bounding in front of her, the leash nestled in her small hand.
"Sorry to keep y'all waiting. This here is Daisy, she's a real sweetheart, a big ball of energy though."
Maya offers her hand to the dog, who licks it happily after sniffing her for a moment or two. Carina scratches behind the dog's ear, her tail thumping happily as she did so. They spend a few more minutes with Daisy and some other dogs of all different ages and breeds, they're all lovely animals, but neither woman is feeling a real connection, not yet. They're beginning to think maybe they should go home anyway, Maya was happy and that had been the main goal of this outing, to make her feel better again, they hadn't really been looking for a dog anyway, they'd just gotten swept up in it.
They were about to leave when Marcie returned once again, this time the dog was nestled in her arms as opposed to on a leash, and rather than practically leaping at them as the other dogs had done, this one seemed to want nothing to do with them at all, instead, the poor thing was cowering into Marcie's shoulder, terrified.
"This sweet girl's been here the longest, nobody seems to have a heart big enough for her, to provide the extra love she so badly needs. But you two seem such lovely, kind folks, I had to let you meet her."
"What happened to her?"
Maya questioned as Marcie placed her down on the floor. The dog made no move either toward or away from them.
"Rescued sweet little Athena here from a horrible home, she'd been so mistreated it's a wonder she let us get to her, Guess she knew we were trying to help her."
"Athena." Carina tested the name, looking at the shivering mass of curly black and white fur.
"Thought it fitting, she'd been through super hell and survived, she's deserving of a name that reflects that."
Maya had dropped to her knees, her hand extended in front of her as she slowly approached the tiny dog.
"Easy girl, I won't hurt you. You're okay. I promise."
Athena sniffed at Maya's hand unsure at first, Maya stayed patient though, and after a few more minutes the dog approached, a bit slower than the others but tail wagging just as happily as any other dog as she began to lick Maya's face, sensing she was in no danger, not anymore. Maya laughed happily, and Carina bent at her wife's side, Athena now paying both of them equal attention, and Carina laughed too. Even Marcie seemed even brighter than she had been mere moments ago.
"I'm guessing you're going home with her then?"
"Si."
Carina whispers, not that Maya hears it, too busy with Athena to pay much attention.
"Wonderful, I'll draft up the paperwork and get you three home as soon as possible. I can hardly believe it, I've never seen her bond with people so quickly."
Maya looks up now. "Yeah, she and I have that in common I guess."
Marcie doesn't need to understand that, Carina does and she's not surprised by much anymore, but this is certainly a surprise.
"I'm not ready for kids Carina, I might not ever be, and I'm sorry I can't promise you a future where we have kids, but I'm happy with the way things are now you and me. I like us the way we are. Bringing home a dog is a lot different than a baby, but it's a start."
Carina smiles, resting her head on her wife's shoulder.
"Our family is whatever we decide it is, you and me, and a six-pound ball of fur, that's a family. Your mom, if you want her to be a part of our lives, and our friends who love us can be a family too. I love sharing a family with you. No matter what happens later, I'm happy. I am so happy."
A few hours and several trips to pet stores later, and Carina has never been more grateful to see this apartment. Athena yips happily at their feet and they let her go explore her new home a bit while they settle down, it's been a long, exhausting day and they're all tired. Usually, Maya is fighting sleep, but tonight, her wife hardly has to coax her into bed before she passes out. Carina had heard from Bailey, who'd heard from Ben, that Maya had hardly slept this past week, so she was happy to see her finally get some sleep.
Carina is almost asleep when she feels a pawing at her leg, when she looks down, Athena has found her way into the bedroom and is looking up expectantly at her.
"Hello pretty lady, you wanna join us? Come on."
Athena hardly wastes another second before jumping up on the bed, quickly snuggling between her two new moms, as happy and content as any dog could possibly be. Carina laid there, stroking her fur with one gentle hand as she slowly drifted off. She was happy. What more could she possibly want right now that wasn't already right next to her? Maybe they would have children someday, maybe they wouldn't. She didn't know that answer, what she did know though, it didn't matter right now, she could be grateful for what she had, and be content with it. Her family felt whole again, maybe it had always been whole with Maya and she'd forgotten to look close enough to see that, maybe she had forgotten what was really important in a family, love, trust, and teamwork and she had all of those things with Maya and more.
Sometimes a family was a woman, her wife, and their dog and if anyone asked Carina, that was perfectly fine with her.