Work Text:
Words held a lot of meanings to Simon. He'd always taken them to heart, despite how hurtful or untruthful they might be.
When he was young, his father had told him, on multiple occasions, how he loved him and that he'd change, for their family. And even though he had known that his father wouldn't be able to keep his promise, he still couldn't help but feel sad when the man inevitably faltered. When the kids on the playground threw slurs at him, even though they were mean just for the sake of being mean and it was nothing personal, he still felt hurt by them. When his mama would tell him she loved him throughout his life, he'd keep the words closely in his heart, occasionally pulling them out to mull over when he felt alone and lost.
On his own part, he also chose his words carefully. He was never afraid to say what's on his mind, no matter if it was invoking anger from the bullies of the world. Simon would also never refrain from telling the people in his life he loved them, because the words reminded them they matter to him and it, in turn, brought ease and comfort into his heart, the assurance that they know and understand his feelings.
But he'd learned the hard way that those words, and especially that one word, shouldn't be given out so freely. His first "boyfriend" at 13 had him taught that lesson. When his adolescent heart had felt what he thought was love, he'd told the boy as such, sincerely and naively. And what the other boy had done as reply to his confession was recoiling in fear and disgust and telling him to get lost before others found out and he'd have to beat him up.
He never dared saying it to anyone other than his close friends and family after that. Their love and their words were enough. Ayub complimenting him on his grades, Rosh acknowledging how hard he'd been working, Sara thanking him for the things he did for her, his mama telling him how much she loved him everyday. That was enough.
And then Wilhelm just had to come stumbling into his life and steal his whole damn heart like they belonged to him all along. Even though Simon tried to convince himself it wasn't love, both of them knew, felt, it was so much more. Still… Still, he dared not say those words, not after how many times Wilhelm had taken his heart and bounced it against the wall, away from him, and then back, again and again. When they had broken up behind his house after Wille's interview, he had promised himself he'd hold onto those words until the boy figured himself out properly, until he would commit to them publicly and honestly.
Now, years later, they had gotten there. They finally made it. Wille had said screw you to the system and proclaimed his identity and his love for Simon. And Simon could now wholeheartedly and shamelessly tell the boy he loved him without fear of scorn or rejection. Not anymore.
Still, he found himself being the one saying the words way more often and more unprovoked than Wille ever did. He'd find himself completely infatuated by the most mundane things Wilhelm was doing, and he'd blurt out his feelings, unfiltered. Wille would cry occasionally, a pang of grief over his brother's passing that never left washing over him, and Simon would hold him and tell him he loved him. Wille would make his breakfast and feed him fresh tangerines, and he would tell him he loved him. Wille would sneeze, and he would tell him he loved him (not before a courtesy "Bless you" of course.)
Wille had said he found it very endearing and reassuring how much Simon told him that, that it would never get old and he'd react like a lovesick teenager all the same each time. And that warmed his heart. But it also left him with some doubts, as he started noticing how Wille would say the words way less than him.
Not that anyone was keeping score, but it was an apparent observation, Wilhelm just said it less. And Simon's mind told him this train of thought was stupid, that it didn't mean anything, Wille loved him all the same, maybe even more so than ever with every passing day as he gained more freedom and confidence in himself. But the fact that Simon heard the words less than he would like still nagged at the back of his brain.
And so, after some days of contemplation and doing research on relationships and talking to friends and family, he decided they needed to talk.
"Wille, do you have a minute?" Simon called out to his boyfriend, who was hunched over at his desk, staring holes into the paper scattered across it. He looked up and his previously bored expression instantly lit up at the sight of his lover, "Yes, of course. I needed a break from… all that." He gestured at the messy pile and was more than happy to skip away from it, into Simon's arms.
They trailed into the living room together as Simon sat him down on the couch, and Wilhelm's face dropped at the sudden serious atmosphere he was picking up. "Simme, what's going on? Is everything alright?" His nerves immediately started firing up as his hand went into his hair, slicking back the long fringes that refused to obey his wishes and flopped back down over his face again. Simon chuckled lightly, he could see how relieved Wille was at the very sigh of it, as he also attempted to brush the locks back. "Everything's okay, baby. I just would like to have a talk about our relationship."
Wille still looked confused, a flash of fear appeared behind his eyes, reminiscent of his look the day Simon broke up with him. But he trained his expression into something neutral, as he seemed to steer his mind away from that day. He trusted that this wasn't a breakup conversation.
"Okay, so I have done a lot of thinking, and looking into things. And… I'm just gonna cut to the chase: I want you to say you love me more." He stopped at the thesis statement practically, and waited for Wilhelm to process it. The man looked bewildered for a second before he nodded, "Okay… Let's elaborate on that."
Simon also nodded, "Yes. So I've been noticing that I tell you I love you way more than you do. And I know you still love me, of course you do. And I do too. Of course. But sometimes, I… I would just like to hear it, in your own voice and not just in my head. Not just my inner thoughts reminding myself that you do love me. I would like to hear you say it."
He waited in bated breath for Wilhelm to process it, as the blond reached out for his hands, drawing it to his lips, nodding to himself all the while. "Alright, I understand. I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner."
"No. No apologies. It's literally no one's fault." Simon frowned, there had been enough apologies and guilt in their lives, something like this didn't need to be in the catalogue as well.
"Okay, alright, it's not anyone's fault. But I do love you. And I should have known you better than this. You have shown me affection I've been longing for my whole life, despite me never asking, and I try to give back in return. But I still need you to tell me how to love you the way you deserve and the way you want. So I would like to apologize for having not been loving you the way you needed in the first place. And I promise you, I will tell you I love you more, everyday, every second that you need it. I promise, Simme."
Simon believed it, as his eyes watered at the affection and pure love he felt for the man before him that he once again blurted out, "I love you."
Wille smiled warmly, "And I love you. "
They kissed tenderly and leaned their foreheads together, content to simply exist in each other's space.
"Tell me why." Simon nervously asked, momentarily feeling needy and pathetic, but he quickly scolded his gut feelings, " No, stop it. I have communicated my wants and needs, and there's no shame in that."
Wilhelm, on the other hand, couldn't look happier to oblige, "Where do I even start? Well, let's see. The moment I fell in love with you was first because of your voice, how absolutely angelic and honest you sounded in that choir. And I love how you never gave up on that talent, and are still kicking ass and impressing people with your beautiful singing." Simon blushed bright red from the compliments as Wille planted a kiss upon his lips.
"I love you for your strength, your patience, your willingness to be kind, even when everything in the world is against you." He kissed him again, and the combination of the kiss and the words being lovingly uttered into his mouth made Simon felt more whole and complete than he'd ever felt in his life. "I love you for your heart, how much you, well.. love, and how protective and fearless you are because of that love."
Another kiss on the cheek, "I love you because of your beauty, the way you express yourself, how confident you are in your own identity. In a place where everyone else was some other way, you never swayed, and kept staying true to yourself."
A kiss on his eyelids, "I love you because you love me. So dearly. Despite how much trouble I've caused us."
Simon opened his eyes and looked into Wilhelm's dark ones, melancholic and love-drunk, "You have such a way with words, my prince." He caressed the boy's face, grounding himself with the touch as his mind replayed the words again and again in his head like a broken record. But he reminded himself, Wille would stay true to his promise, and he would get to hear those words everyday for the rest of his life, if the universe would allow it.
"Well, years in formal speech training would do that to you. I'd be incredible in an improv club, I'm telling you." Wille joked to ease the atmosphere as he nuzzled Simon's face with his nose.
Simon pushed him away slightly as he stared into his eyes, all serious-faced, "Mi amor, I love you so damn much. And you know I would support you in anything you pursue to the end of time… But please do not do improv." He grimaced and Wille bursted into laughter, clutching at his stomach. "Oh, you don't like improv? How come?"
Simon decided this was a joke conversation he didn't want to have right now as he shook his head and kissed Wilhelm once more.
"I love you," The words came from Wille's lips this time, unprovoked, unasked. Always wanted.
Yeah, he could get used to this.