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Being the oldest member of BTS came with tons of surprises and events that Seokjiin swore never to mention again, fearing some permanent trauma if they ever let the memories resurface. They wouldn't complain, as they loved and cherished all the members dearly, always prepared to be by their sides and help them whenever they needed them; however, sometimes, they wanted to bang their heads together to get them to shut the fuck up.
So when Jungkook banged on their door, shortly after 2 AM, Seokjin prepared themself for the grief that would come after they get rid of the youngest member in their group. Usually, Jungkook visited their room at this hour to bother the older with some silly question, mostly to annoy them and tease them for their unkempt appearance. As soon as Seokjin opened the door, every thought instantly disappeared from their mind as they took in Jungkook's distressed state, watching the younger nervously pace in the hallway. Not wanting to startle the boy, Seokjin softly called out his name, trying not to coo as the maknae flinched at the sound as if he overlooked his oldest hyung before.
'Jungkook-ah, come inside, and tell hyung what is bothering you, okay?' The younger wordlessly nodded as he followed Seokjin inside, immediately closing the door behind them, his behaviour and movements oozing with anxiety. Seokjin sat down on their bed, gently patting the space as they indicated for Jungkook to join them, and the younger accepted, immediately leaning on Seokjin's shoulders as he let out the biggest sigh Seokjin ever heard in their entire life.
Neither of them spoke up in the following half an hour, simply opting to sit in the suffocating silence together. Seokjin internally debated over asking the younger boy what troubled his mind, but they knew Jungkoolk wouldn't share unless he felt completely ready.
'Hyung, how did you know you were... You know?' whispered the boy as he stared at the walls, body unmoving as he impatiently waited for Seokjin's answer, and suddenly the older realised what had happened. They instantly transported in their memories, recalling their similar crisis after hours spent browsing the internet when they started questioning everything about themselves.
They remembered the cold horror seeping through their veins as they feared rejection from people closest to them, crying themselves to sleep as they stayed silent about their self-discovery for months.
It wasn't until they participated in writing and producing Epiphany that Seokjin realised they were perfect, and anyone who wasn't capable of accepting that didn't deserve to be in their life. To their surprise, everybody celebrated their announcement with open arms, minds and hearts, and they immediately stopped using the male pronouns when speaking about them.
Somehow seeing the members welcome their identity seamlessly, proudly supporting their oldest hyung on their journey, made Seokjin combust into tears immediately. The members hugged them as they whispered soothing words and sweet promises into their ears, holding them close until Seokjin's breathing regulated. The latter felt eternally grateful to be blessed with such amazing and understanding friends, and they made sure to show them on every occasion.
Shaking their head to come back to the present, Seokjin slowly moved to hold Jungkook's hand, giving the younger enough time to indicate if he didn't want the contact. Jungkook welcomed the gesture, squeezing Seokjin's fingers with a powerful grip as he turned his head into the older's shoulders, wiping his tears into the fabric of their shirt.
Seokjin's heart ached as they saw the same agony coursing through them before running over the maknae, the boy slightly shaking as he tried calming down by regulating his breathing. Seokjin didn't want to disturb the younger's process, so they just soothingly rubbed his back, humming an old lullaby their mom sang to them.
Seokjin couldn't believe Jungkook chose them when a crisis overcame him, made them really soft, as they acknowledged for far their bond came in the past year, flourishing from a friendship into something more profound.
'Well, Kook-ah, hyung didn't know immediately. I was just watching funny videos on YouTube, and suddenly, the algorithm decided to fuck with my head. It recommended me a video from a nonbinary creator who explained how their identity worked, and my world just stopped for a second. Suddenly, my previous doubts and stray thoughts resurfaced and forced me to reconsider everything about my life,' Seokjin looked over to check on the younger, pleased to see him calmer as he listened to them intently. The older one gently played with Jungkook's hair as they took a deep breath before continuing with their story.
'I never realised how harmful my masking and attempts to fulfil the role society assigned to gender actually were. I often pushed myself away from things I wasn't supposed to enjoy, or admire. I think you remember when ARMY called me the mother of the group, comparing me to women constantly. I stopped cooking, even forced myself to stop liking pink colour, and I started frequenting gym more to build more muscle. Whenever any of you tried to help me, I brushed you off, claiming I just wanted to get into shape for the following comeback, even though we all knew I was lying through my teeth. I felt guilty for enjoying everything men were supposed to be above, and that toxic thinking trapped me in an endless cycle of misery.' Jungkook gasped as he looked at Seokjin, never hearing about the actual reason behind their sudden outburst of change. He instantly realised how Seokjin's late-night conversations with Namjoon and Yoongi must've inspired the Love Yourself series, as he never fully understood, until now. He hugged the older closer, waiting for them to finish.
'When I came upon that video, it showed me that I never liked the label associated with male gender anyway, but I never identified as female either, so I didn't understand myself. When I was younger the conversations about LGBT+ were scarce, and most people bashed them, so I had no resources to study and explore. I never heard the words toxic masculinity, gender expression or even h before.
In one twenty minute video, my life turned upside down, and I felt like I found myself, as I watched the creator's family and friends speak about them while using they/them pronouns and it seemed so freeing and relieving from the useless rules of society. I stayed up the whole night, checking every available website to learn more about gender and how to find yourself on the spectrum, and I think I did,' ended their monologue Seokjin, making eye contact with the younger, who listened to their every word carefully.
'Jungkook-ah, I understand if you're not ready to discuss this yet, but if you want to tell me what happened, I'm here for you. Hyung's here, Kook-ah.' Seokjin knew pushing their friend would help either of them, but they wanted to assure Jungkook he could always share whatever troubled him with his oldest hyung.
'I was thinking about myself, and the journey we've been on since the pandemic started. I started experimenting with myself, trying things I haven't before, and I felt most comfortable with myself. But I don't know who I am, and that scares me a lot.' Seokjin listened intently, letting their friend share his troubles, as they thought about how to best comfort and help the younger.
'Like, during the quarantine, I came to realise I'm mainly attracted to men, and more masculine people in general, but I don't like calling myself gay, but I don't know what else suits me. And as I wondered about my sexuality, I worried if I understood my own identity, and felt comfortable with it, I thought about you and how happy you looked after you came out to us, and I wanted to experience that feeling. But it feels so overwhelming, and I don't know how to express myself properly, so I thought you could help me, hyung,' admitted Jungkook as he avoided Seokjin's eyes. The sight of a shy boy suddenly reminded the older of their first years together, when Jungkook would sneak out late at night to shower, hide his laugh behind his hands, too embarrassed to be himself in front of his bandmates. Seokjin and the others swore to always try their best to make the maknae never feel the need to hide from them, and Seokjin remembered the promise.
'Hyung will always help you, Jungkook-ah. What do you say we make ourselves some hot cocoa and browse the internet to search something you feel fits you the best? And if we don't find anything right now, there's always the word queer when you don't want to label yourself with something inadequate.' Jungkook nodded with enthusiasm as he jumped out of Seokjin's bed, grabbing the latter's hand, already pulling them out of their bed. Seokjin let the younger lead the duo as they sighed at managing to perk up the maknae's mood.
Jungkook insisted Seokjin made the hot cocoa, claiming his questioning of life could seriously affect his ability to make decent beverages, and therefore the duty befalls Seokjin. The older planned on spoiling Jungkook anyway, but they still gave in to the urge to roll their eyes, complaining about being used to the younger's benefit. In a few minutes, both returned to Seokjin's bed, as they hid under the covers, slowly sipping on the warm drink while Seokjin pulled out their phone, searching various articles about the gender spectrum, and sexualities. Seokjin carefully read Jungkook's reactions as the younger discovered the many gender identities and sexualities, learning about himself in the process. Seokjin sometimes helpfully chipped in whenever Jungkook asked a question, trying their best to explain the various sexualities and gender to the younger.
'What's the difference between bisexuals and pansexuals, hyung?' asked Jungkook, and Seokjin waited and pondered their answer not to rush it and say the wrong words.
'Bisexual person is usually described as somebody who's attracted to people of more than one gender, no matter which one. There are also polysexuals, but we could get into that later. Pansexuals, on the other hand, experience attraction towards people regardless of their gender identity.' Jungkook looked at Seokjin with confusion over his face, and the older smiled before ruffling his hair.
'Pansexulas literally don't care what's between your legs, whereas bisexuals like more than one kind of it,' tried Seokjin again, this time more successfully as Jungkook seemingly saw the distinction. Of course the wording wasn't precise, and it didn't cover all bases, but overall Seokjin was satisfied with how they handled the situation.
'So if I'm more attracted to people who give off the stereotypical masculine vibes, regardless of their gender, but also find feminine people and those who don't fall into either category, am I a pansexual?' wondered Jungkook as he looked at his hyung, hoping to receive some sort of affirmation.
'Yeah, I believe so. I'm pansexual, and it's mostly because I couldn't care less about people's genitals and or their gender identity. If they're pretty, and find me attractive, we could make it work. Of course, I have my type, just like you prefer more masculine looking people. That doesn't invalidate your sexuality. Even if you never get to experience with somebody outside your type, it doesn't lessen your potential attraction to the group, therefore doesn't concern your sexuality.' Seokjin knew Jungkook, and his tendencies to treat himself more harshly than the others, and they suspected the maknae might beat himself up in the future for not fully exploring the full range of his sexuality.
'So if I only date men, or masculine women, or genderqueer people who pass as male, but am still attracted to women and feminine people, I could still label myself as pansexual? Even if I never act upon it?' Seokjin nodded in agreement, chest puffed out with pride as Jungkook's eyes returned to the screen, not reading anything else. The younger asked Seokjin some additional questions about pansexuality, his eyes shining with the light of thousands of stars. When Jungkook satisfied his beginning curiosity enough, he whispered he thought of himself as fitting the pansexual label the most, and Seokjin hugged the boy tightly to their chest. They shared their pride in the boy and his journey of learning about himself, encouraged him in always expressing himself freely, and assured him they'll always be there whenever he'd needed them.
The duo then settled into silence as the younger started browsing through the internet again. Since Seokjin recommended reading mostly English pages, as they offered more resources in this particular topic, Jungkook listened to them. Sometimes the younger asked about some terms he didn't fully understand, patiently waiting for Seokjin's translation, but otherwise none of them spoke for a while. Unable to stay silent for a prolonged time, Seokjin decided to utilise their ultimate weapon to lighten up the mood.
'Jungkook-ah, how does nonbinary ninja kill the enemies?' Seokjin could see the younger didn't pay full attention to them, but they were sure that would soon change after Jungkook mumbled something illegible as an answer.
'They slash them,' whispered Seokjin, muffling their laughter into their sleeve, as Jungkook nodded mindlessly before processing the joke. In just ten seconds, his face changed from troubled to annoyed, surprised, shocked and amused as he joined the older, giggling softly at the pun. Seokjin internally punched the air with a victory fist as they discovered how to brighten Jungkook's mood and fully planned on using every ounce of their power to make the maknae more relaxed.
'You know, if you don't find anything comforting to identify as, there's always a cheap cheat sheet,' shared Seokjin, their voice filled with mischief as they waited for Jungkook to pick up the bait.
'Oh, share with this troubled individual, Oh Great One,' murmured Jungkook back sarcastically, but Seokjin noticed the sparks in his eyes and proceeded to continue.
'You can identify as number 2, it's non-binary!' This time neither of them could stop their outburst of gleeful laughter, their bodies shaking with the force of it, as they spilt the cocoa into the bed, making Seokjin curse internally.
'Hey, JK, do you know what scares me? 01101 1010100001! The binary code!' Seokjin didn't even let Jungkook play a part in this one, too excited to share with the younger to wait. Luckily, Jungkook appreciated it nonetheless, laughing so hard that tears streamed down his face.
'I'm happy you enjoy my non-binary jokes, Jungkook-ah. I'm always hesitant to tell them, since they could go either way.' Jungkook closed his eyes as he let himself laugh freely, uncaring of disturbing any of his bandmates, fully emerging in the joyful feeling the older woken up inside his chest.
'They say the technology made many advancements, but the computers still don't get me. Just because I'm non-binary,' exclaims Seokjin, their shoulders going up and down as they bit down their giggles, primarily wanting to bring up Jungkook's mood. They seemed successful as the younger moved his head on their chest, scrolling through Seokjin's phone with a content smile on his face. They rested there, blanketed by the comfortable silence until Jungkook furrowed his brows at the screen, rereading one paragraph for at least a minute. Seokjin felt like they needed to interfere and looked over Jungkook's shoulder to see the text in question.
They expected to see some offensive articles on the screen, but Jungkook just seemed to be interested in the part describing the demigender briefly, and at that moment, Seokjin knew even before the younger did. And true to their assumptions, Jungkook looked up after a while, teary eyes and shaky voice as he said he found it, found himself.
Seokjin didn't hesitate to congratulate the younger, happy for their bandmate to discover something so essential about his identity.
'So, Jeon Jungkook, what pronouns shall this old hyung of yours use for a pretty demiboy such as yourself?' inquired Seokjin, wanting to give Jungkook the experience of somebody using the pronouns of his choice for the first time.
'I think, I'll go by he/they? I don't know why, but they seem the most natural right now, and I really like the sound of them together. It probably doesn't make any sense, but I think it's good,' shared Jungkook, and Seokjin couldn't be more proud of them. But they certainly didn't vibe with the insecurity in Jungkook's voice and decided to remedy it, and they had the perfect plan for that.
The older immediately jumped out of their bed, searching for something in their drawer, before giving a quick victory shout as they held up a neon blue megaphone. They winked at Jungkook before turning the device on and shouting into it as loudly as they could.
'EVERYBODY, WAKE THE FUCK UP, AND COME APPRECIATE OUR PRECIOUS MAKNAE AND THEIR JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY! WHOEVER COMES LATE IS THE WORST HYUNG EVER AND WOULD BE REFERRED TO AS SUCH!' They repeated the impromptu announcement six more times before turning off the device and putting it away, awaiting the upcoming chaos. Jungkook just stared at Seokjin with disbelief as the older just shrugged their shoulders, counting the seconds in their head as they anticipated the excitement of their fellow bandmates upon hearing the news. And soon enough, a series of alarming noises sounded through the shared apartment as the five men raced to discover the duo.
'Did I hear that right, Seokjin-hyung? Our Jungkook found himself on the gender spectrum?' Seokjin was surprised to see Yoongi reaching them first, as the younger usually slept soundly, but apparently, news about his beloved maknae could summon him instantly. In a short time, the others entered Seokjin's room, excited to hear the story of Jungkook's journey and the youngest shared his story with them.
Seokjin could see how brightly the youngest smiles whenever their hyungs praised him for being so brave and coming out to them. They all pretended not to notice the tears in his eyes, after telling them if he ever wanted to stop calling them hyungs, nobody would dare to stop or correct them. Jungkook assured them he'd only ignore honorifics out of his rudeness towards the older members, not because of them being uncomfortable with calling them that. The septet ended their eventful night by falling asleep as they cuddled on Seokjin's bed, keeping Jungkook in the middle.
Seokjin fell asleep the last, and in their mind, thanked whatever deity watched above them for giving them such amazing friends to share their life with.