Work Text:
Armin was used to his panic attacks. They came often and it was definitely worse now that he was a scout. He could remember the first time he had a panic attack very clearly as it was the same day that Wall Maria fell. He could remember clearly swallowing the feeling of complete dread and fear sitting on the boat carting him to supposed safety. Nightmares and even more panic and anxiety attacks followed. Loud and sudden noises still made him jump and his fight or flight reflexes were always on flight. In the months following, he felt weak and pathetic, not helped by Eren who seemed determined to fight no matter the circumstances.
The suicidal thoughts came later on. Watching his childhood best friend be eaten right in front of him after saving him didn't do anything to help with his crumbling mental health. Then it was finding Marco, half eaten and left for dead, then it was every other fallen scout and civilian, the only thing left of them were memories held by friends and family or body parts mothers and fathers would hold onto tightly. It broke Armin more each time. The first time he was stopped by Mikasa who told him to get a grip and continue to fight for Eren. So Armin did fight. He fought until he collapsed into his bed and sobbed for hours. He didn't think he got any sleep that night. Or the following nights.
He had the same thoughts of dying frequently, but always brushed them off. Now that Eren was revealed to be alive and relatively okay, he didn't think he had a reason to want to die. Sure, people were still dying but that was a part of the job. He sighed up to it when he stupidly followed Eren headfirst into dark waters, not knowing what lay at the bottom. Armin hoped his thoughts would go with time, but now even a year later, they were still there and present.
Armin sat on the bathroom floor, the cold wood under him as he muffled his sobs with one hand. He had no idea what made him panic so much. Maybe it was the dark shadows in the corner of the rooms, sneaking and twisting into dark figures. Figures that laughed and taunted him, pushed him to the edge of stability and blind panic and held onto his throat as they dragged him out of the dorm room and into the bathroom. Figures that twisted into his friends and family, clouding his mind and telling him what he deserved to hear.
Armin didn't deserve to be the scout or friends with Eren and Mikasa. They were stronger than him and he was dragging them down. Armin should've died instead of Marco because then Marco and Jean would've joined the Military Police and they would be safe. Armin should've been the one who died when Eren saved him because now Eren was seen as a criminal and is in more danger. Armin wasn't as strong or brave or smart as the others, he was a liability and he didn't deserve to live, did he?
Even with blood running down his arms and cuts lining his arms, thighs and stomach he couldn't stop. He wasn't sure if he wanted to die, but if he bled out now, he wouldn't be mad. He wouldn't miss his job in the cadets and he wouldn't miss the terrifying faces of the titans looking down at him. But he would miss his friends. He would miss Sasha and Connie's jokes and he would miss the petty arguments between Jean and Eren and he would miss the smell of Captain Levi's tea in the morning and the general sound of the mess hall as each Scout group got their food and sat down on the wooden benches. He would miss the domestic part of his life. But even so, the silver blade itched his vein as he lowered it slowly. Why couldn't he be a titan and have his nape cut open with no hesitation? Why couldn't he be the one who was killed quickly by a titan? And why-
"Hey brat, it's way passed curfew and I swear to god-" Armin dropped the knife onto the bathroom floor, pulling his arms to his chest as if to hide what was already out in the open for too long. Out of everyone to find him, why did it have to be Levi Ackerman? The Captain, the person that scared Armin the most and the only adult around that had no parental instincts at all. If it was Commander Erwin Smith or Section Commander then maybe it would be better. They seemed to have some type of parental love towards the younger scouts, but Levi? Levi beat the shit out of Eren and since then scared the life out of Armin. He respected him of course, but he was terrifying and if Armin didn't want to die before, he definitely did now.
"Kid. Are you okay?" Levi crouched in front of Armin, not yet noticing the blood trailing down his skin, making its way to the floor, only the bloodied knife against the pale wood. Armin shook his head, he didn't want to admit it. Not to Levi anyway. He didn't want to have a breakdown in front of Levi, although it seemed a bit too late for that worry. Levi pulled his arms away from his chest, letting out a small sigh as he saw the blood. Armin wanted to cry more. Of course he was disappointed in him. Who wasn't disappointed in him at this point?
"Hey, it's going to be okay. Just a little bit of blood. The cuts don't look too deep so I'll just clean and wrap them." Levi shuffled back to the cabinet under the sink and bought out what Armin presumed to be bandages. He didn't look up from the blood staining the floor. "Hey. First time?"
Armin nodded his head slowly. He had never acted on his thoughts before. And he never expected to take it this far. He had been tempted before, but fear of being caught had always stopped him. He didn't want to seem weaker than he was already perceived. He wanted to prove them wrong. Just because he wasn't the physically strongest, doesn't mean he wasn't strong mentally. He hoped that one day, his strategizing skills matched Commander Erwin and dedication was similar to Hange and their dedication towards titans. But he was proving himself wrong. He was just as weak as everyone said.
"Hey, it's okay. Come here." Levi pulled Armin into a gentle hug, letting him wrap his bandaged arms around his waist as tight as he wanted, knowing the kid damn well needed it. Armin held onto him tightly, sobbing into his shoulder as he let himself break. He let himself break down his poorly crafted walls and attach himself to the adult and let himself be comforted. "Shhh.. it's okay. It's okay."
"I feel stupid.. It was over nothing and.. and I didn't want to stop but I knew I would miss everyone and they don't need to lose anyone else.." Armin mumbled, not caring about what he said. No going back now.
"I know, I know. I know it's scary. But it'll be okay. And don't feel stupid and even if it was over nothing, your emotions are important no matter what. Okay?" Armin nodded at Levi's words as he brushed hair from his face. "Can I trust you to go back to the dorms by yourself?"
Armin shook his head again. He didn't want to be alone or tell anyone about what he did in the bathroom. Hiding the bandages until the cuts healed up would be hard enough but taking them off and having the risk of them getting infected was worse. He'd just have to think of excuses until then. He was used to lying to hide from the truth at this point. Armin did it often.
"Okay, Erwin is awake too so you're free to get some tea with us. It'll help you to calm down." Levi gently detached himself from Armin, standing up before brushing himself down. Armin stood up next to him, his arms wrapped around his waist, ignoring the pain from the thin lines of red scratching into his skin. It stung a little, but he could ignore it. He could ignore a lot more than others seemed to realize.
"Thank you.." Armin mumbled, his voice scratchy from on and off crying, and feeling completely exhausted. Levi simply nodded and made his way back to the bedroom door, not caring to answer verbally until he was on the other side of the door.
"Come on, I don't do this for anyone." Levi called back when he noticed Armin wasn't following. Armin followed him quickly, hands buried in his pockets, eyes trained onto the floor. A warm feeling filled him. Levi was being nice to him. Levi, someone who was known for being cold and blunt, was like a father to him and comforting him when he needed it. Levi could really be a father figure if he really wanted to. Armin couldn't thank him enough even if he wanted to. No amount of words could tell him how much the teen was thankful for him.