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It was nearing midnight by the time Castiel heard the knock on the door that he'd been waiting for since seven. Severely unimpressed, he didn't bother to get up and instead snapped out a quiet, "Door's open."
"You ought to be more careful. Never know who could be waiting at the door at this time of the night." His cousin, Gabriel, smiled sheepishly as he pushed the door open and walked into the apartment. At least he brought with him the delicious smell of pizza, even if it was more than likely cold by now. "It could've been anyone."
"Dean's not here, Gabriel, and no one else comes to visit when he's out," Castiel said, not taking his eyes off the television. He curled up, pulling his knees closer to his chest in anticipation of what Gabriel always did, which was to throw himself down on the couch regardless of who was already sitting there. It was a habit that annoyed his roommate, Dean Winchester, to no end, which was probably why Gabriel did it every single time. Castiel finally looked away to shoot his cousin an exasperated look.
"Aw, come on Cassie, don't be like that. I know I said I'd be here at seven, but -"
"The waitress at the pizza place was really cute and just happened to be getting off when you got there," Castiel filled in, having heard this same song and dance so many times now that he was tired of it.
"How well you know me," Gabriel said, batting his eyes.
"Was she your soul mate, then?"
"You know you don't find that out on a first date. Girls tend to slap guys who ask. But no, I doubt it." Gabriel sat up and reached for the discarded pizza box, flipping the lid up. "No one who likes vegetables on their pizza could possibly be my soul mate."
"Have you asked Dean if you could look at his mark?" Castiel asked, reluctantly accepting the box and examining the contents. After years of friendship with Dean, he had fortunately developed a taste for pizza that was loaded with every imaginable kind of meat, plus three different kinds of cheese. "Because the two of you are scarily alike sometimes."
"Ugh, no! The day I'm close enough to Dean Winchester to see his mark is the day that I'm throwing myself out the window."
Castiel rolled his eyes and selected a piece of the pizza. It was also cold, but he took a bite anyway and chewed as an excuse to avoid his cousin's eyes. Sometimes he forgot just how private soul marks were supposed to be. The only reason he kept his mark hidden was because of the way people tended to look at him when they realized that it was already a whole circle: with a sickening combination of pity and fear, like his presence might be enough to somehow contaminate them.
After all, normal people, also known as people who had soul mates, kept their marks hidden because it was considered to be sacred. Something meant to be shared only between you and your soul mate.
Which was stupid, in Castiel's opinion. How the hell were you supposed to find your soul mate if you couldn't show anyone your mark and see who had the matching one? The whole process would be way easier if there was some sort of government sanctioned matching process, and then he wouldn't have to listen to Gabriel complain endlessly about not having found his soul mate.
But that was against the law, and besides, then everyone would know that Castiel really was a freak, so maybe the law wasn't such a bad thing after all.
"Speaking of Dean-o," Gabriel said, like he hadn't noticed the tense silence, "where is he, anyway?"
"Out on a date."
Gabriel sobered surprisingly quickly. "I'm sorry, Cassie."
"What for?"
"I know you like him."
"Dean is normal," Castiel said crossly, stressing each word carefully, even thought it never seemed to sink into Gabriel's head no matter how many times they had this conversation. "He has a soul mate. He deserves to date people to try and find out who that soul mate is. I have no right to try to keep him from that."
Because unfortunately, Castiel had nothing to offer him. Some people with whole marks still chose to have romantic relationships, even though they didn't have a soul mate. But Castiel didn't even want that. Not just because it seemed inevitable - what was the point when eventually your partner would find their soul mate and leave? - but because he'd never been romantically attracted to anyone. Not even Dean, who was just about perfect (addiction to beer, pie and extremely loud music at 3am aside).
And maybe this would be easier if he wanted to have sex with Dean, because at least then he could act as a decent stand-in until Dean's actual soul mate came along. Even if Dean just treated him like a fuck buddy, it would be something better than this cast-off friendship they had now. But that was never going to happen. God knows Castiel had tried.
"What happened?" Gabriel asked, narrowing his eyes, and it was amazing how perceptive he could be right when Castiel wished he wouldn't pay any attention.
He dropped his gaze, looking at his pizza like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. "Nothing."
"Uh huh, which is why you called me in the first place. I might be late, but I'm not stupid. Spill it, kiddo. Tell cousin Gabe what's wrong."
"I got drunk last night and tried to have sex with Dean but I couldn't go through with it and now I think he hates me because he hasn't tried to contact me since." The words tumbled out in a confusing rumble, and he felt his face burn hotter with humiliation. He'd been half-hoping all day that, maybe if he pretended hard enough, it wouldn't have happened.
It took almost a full minute for Gabriel to parse that out. "You did what?"
"I tried to have sex with Dean," Castiel repeated slowly, his stomach shriveling up. His appetite now entirely gone, he dropped the slice of pizza back into the box.
"But..." Gabriel was frowning in confusion. "Cas, you told me you were asexual. And that you didn't have any interest in sex. At all. When did you start..." he trailed off. "Oh shit, you still don't. You still don't want sex but you tried it anyway? Cassie!"
"I thought maybe I could make myself want it!" Castiel snapped, hunching his shoulders and glaring at his crotch. His broken, useless crotch that never reacted the way it was supposed to. "I don't understand why I have to be so different, Gabriel. It seems so easy for everyone else. And if there was ever someone I would be attracted to in any way, it's Dean. So I thought... it was worth a shot."
Gabriel pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger, sighing. "So what happened?"
"We were both drunk, and I crawled on top of him and started rubbing against him. Dean was interested, I could feel it, but I wasn't." Castiel's face was on fire. Just remembering how mortified he'd been when Dean suddenly reached up and grabbed his hips, forcing him to stop, made him want to curl up in a ball and never show himself in the light of day again. "He made me stop. He pushed me down into his bed and got up and left. I passed out. When I woke up this morning, he was gone. He hasn't been home since."
"You don't do things by half, do you?" Gabriel muttered, shaking his head with a low whistle. "How drunk were you?"
Castiel had gone over every minute of the night before multiple times that day. He answered immediately. "I was drunker than he was, but not drunk enough that I didn't know what was going on."
"Oh good, so at least I don't have to kick his ass for taking advantage of you."
"I was on top, you know."
"That don't mean a thing, Cassie, and you know it." Gabriel sighed and grabbed another slice of pizza from the box. He took a huge bite, chewed and swallowed before he spoke again. "Are you okay?"
"I embarrassed myself and probably lost my best friend," Castiel said unhappily. How was this his life? Instead of keeping Dean longer, he'd pushed him away. "What do you think?"
"I think that you need to learn to get better at opening your damn mouth and communicating," Gabriel replied through another mouthful of pizza. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe you could talk to Dean about this instead of trying to force yourself to have sex?"
"Talk to him about what? About the fact that he's going to find his soul mate and move in with her, get married and have children and forget all about me?" Castiel asked, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice. It was the kind of happy ending that everyone expected to have, but which he'd been told from the moment his mark showed up that he would never have. Sex with Dean would have meant putting off the inevitable for a little while longer, but now that that road was closed to him he was going to have to just accept that someday, possibly very soon, Dean wouldn't have any more time for him.
Gabriel stared at him for a few seconds and then, very slowly, shook his head. "You know what, I'm going to do you a huge favor right now. Don't ever tell me I don't do anything for you." He pulled out his phone and dialed a number, lifting it to his hear. "Hey, Winchester."
"What?" Castiel's head snapped around in horror. "Gabriel, give me that phone!"
"I need you to come right away. It's Cassie," Gabriel said, nimbly dodging Castiel's hands. He jumped up and backed away from the bed, grinning like at Castiel like a maniac even though his voice sounded composed. "Yeah, it's urgent. No, not hospital urgent. I can't tell you. Just get here fast, okay?"
"Gabriel! Dean, don't bother!" Castiel shouted, but Gabriel hung up and smirked at him.
"Too late. He said he was only five minutes away and from the sound of how worried he was, he can't be that mad at you."
"I'm going to kill you," Castiel promised.
"Oh come on, Cassie, don't be that way. This is for your own good."
"They'll never find your body."
"This is your chance to talk to Dean," Gabriel said, hands up in a placating position as he continued to back slowly towards the door. "He's your best friend, man. You'll thank me someday."
"I'm going to throw you out the window."
"Give me a call and let me know how it turns out!" Having reached the door, Gabriel gave up all pretence that he wasn't running away. He threw the door open and took off, heading for the stairs at a dead run. Castiel made it to the door just in time to see his cousin's back disappearing down the steps.
"Goddamn you, Gabriel," he muttered, running a hand through his hair. Was Dean really on his way? Now? Castiel wasn't prepared for this. He had no idea what to do or say. There were no words to describe how awkward this was going to be. He briefly contemplated fleeing the apartment himself, but that would only make Dean worry if he showed up and no one was there. He settled for the next best thing, which was locking himself in his bedroom and praying that Dean would take a hint.
Not less than three minutes later - apparently Dean could be punctual when he wanted to be - a familiar voice, sounding a little frantic, called out, "Cas? Cas, where are you?"
"I'm here," Castiel called back reluctantly. "Gabriel was just playing a joke, Dean. I'm fine. You can leave now."
"A joke? Dude, your cousin has a shit sense of humor."
"Tell me about it," Castiel muttered, closing his eyes. He jumped when the doorknob rattled.
"Cas, let me in."
"I told you I'm fine."
"Yeah, well, you also told me you were fine when you broke your arm falling down the stairs. I don't believe your definition of fine anymore. I'm not leaving until you open the door."
That was a bit rich, coming from Dean, who was the poster boy for pretending that everything was great. But he was also stubborn enough to mean what he said. Castiel groaned, resolving to kill Gabriel much more slowly than the swift death being thrown out the window would warrant, and slowly unlocked the door. He opened it up a crack. Dean's concerned face was the first thing he saw, right before the door was given a firm push. Castiel let it fall open the rest of the way, knowing that it was inevitable, and stepped back to let his roommate in.
Dean opened looked him up and down. Castiel spread his arms and said, "See? No broken arms. All in one piece. You can go now."
"No," Dean said bluntly, though he looked a little uncomfortable. "Look, Cas. About last night."
Jesus. Castiel squinched his eyes shut, like that alone might be enough to make this whole miserable experience end. Unfortunately, when he opened his eyes, Dean was still standing there. "Dean, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have - done that."
"You're sorry? What are you apologizing for?"
"I got drunk and climbed on top of you," Castiel said, feeling cold. Oh god, what if Dean had been so drunk he didn't even remember?
But Dean was shaking his head. "Jeez, Cas, I should be the one apologizing. Not you."
"What? Why would you apologize?"
"'Cause I made you think that's what I wanted!"
Castiel stared at him. "... What?"
"I know you don't want sex, Cas," Dean said, staring at the floor like it held all of the answers. "I... Christ, man, I don't remember what I did to make you feel like you had to do that, but -"
"Dean, no. That's not - I was trying to have sex with you, it was the whole point of me getting drunk in the first place."
Now it was Dean's turn to stare. "What? Why?"
"Because..." Castiel bit his lip for a moment, dreading the thought of owning up to the truth. But he couldn't let Dean go on thinking that this was his fault. "Because you go out all the time and have sex with other people, and I know that sooner or later you're going to find your soul mate with one of them. And I don't have a soul mate, but I thought that maybe if you had sex with me instead it would mean you would stick around longer."
He flushed as he spoke, turning away so that he didn't have to see the expression on Dean's face. Out loud, it sounded even more stupid now than it had before. He wasn't sure whether he was expecting for Dean to get angry or just walk out, but the arms that suddenly wrapped around him in a tight hug made him jump.
"You're a fucking idiot, Cas," Dean whispered in his ear.
"Dean?"
"I don't have a soul mate either. I can show you my mark, if you want. I go out and have sex because I like sex. It's fun. But what I like the most is when I can come home and hang out with you afterwards."
Castiel was frozen. He couldn't think of a single word to say. Dean's arms slowly slipped away from him, and then he stepped back entirely and shed his jacket. He rolled the sleeve of his shirt up to his shoulder and stepped forward, thrusting his arm under Castiel's eyes for inspection. High up on his left arm was a small, perfectly formed blue circle. It was whole.
"See?" Dean said.
Slowly, his hands shaking a little, Castiel unbuckled his jeans and pulled the right side of his jeans down to show off his hip. There was a green square there, a little smaller than Dean's, but just as whole. It was the first time he had shown his mark to anyone outside of his parents or Gabriel or a doctor, and it was surprisingly hard to breathe as Dean glanced down at it.
Then he smiled. "Perfect match."
"Not really," Castiel said. "Perfect matches would mean you had half a circle and I had the other half, or -"
Dean just rolled his eyes. "It's a figure of speech, Cas. What I meant is, I'm not going anywhere. I know that it's possible to have a relationship even if I don't have a soul mate. Sammy's beaten it into my head enough times." He made a face. "But I'm not really into that sort of thing. Like I said, I like coming home to you. But I don't like it when you try to have sex with me. That I can do without."
"Me too," Castiel admitted, tentatively smiling back. There was a sense of relieved euphoria spilling over him as realization settled in. Dean wasn't interested in a relationship, either, because he liked things just the way they were.
"You're not gonna cry, are you?" Dean said, watching him suspiciously.
Castiel choked out a watery laugh and shook his head. "No, of course not. I just... I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night."
"It's not a big deal." Dean shrugged. "I'll even forgive you so long as you don't tell Sammy."
"Why would I tell your brother?"
"Just saying. He's been after me for months to talk to you about our "relationship"." Dean actually used the air quotes, making another face. "He kept saying that we weren't on the same page, even though I thought we were. If he finds out he was right, I'll never hear the end of it."
"I won't tell him, but... I might have told Gabriel." Castiel winced.
"Son of a bitch," Dean groaned. "Why the hell did we ever introduce those two anyway?"
"I have no idea."
"I need beer. And pizza," Dean grumbled, spotting the discarded box on the bed. He stomped over and grabbed it, stuffing half a slice into his mouth.
"I'll get you a beer," Castiel told him, stepping out of the room. He walked into the kitchen and over to the refrigerator, resting his forehead against the cold white surface. Dean wasn't going to leave. Dean was happy with things the way they were. Dean would always come back. He couldn't help the wide, foolish smile on his face.
"Cas! Beer!"
"Coming!" He grabbed a couple of beers, wiped his eyes quickly, and hurried back to join his best friend.