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Looking back on it, skinny-dipping in a lake with no way to guard their clothes was a poor decision. After a long, hard day of scoping out homesteads and speaking with shady people about leads on robberies, the men were hot and worn out.
Their group had consisted of Arthur, John, Bill, Javier, and Charles. They all had split up and covered most of the area Dutch was looking to hit. They met up at their rendezvous point to ensure each one made it back safe and didn’t need reinforcements.
Though most of them had come back with good intel, they were all miserable in the humid, sweltering heat. Charles’s hair was heavy on his back, even being pulled back in a braid didn’t help the heat on his neck. All of them had massive sweat stains on their opened shirts.
Conveniently, their meet-up point was along a nice lake. It looked clean enough, and they weren’t close enough to Saint Denis to worry about gators.
“Let’s take a dip,” Arthur suggested, pulling his shirt away from his body as a poor makeshift fan. “Before we all catch heatstroke and fall off our horses riding back.”
John scoffed. “No way in hell. I ain’t getting in that deathtrap… and I ain’t gonna ride back to camp in wet jeans.”
Arthur rolled his eyes. “It’s not that deep, you can almost see the bottom. And you take your clothes off before you get in, dumbass.”
Bill sputtered. “I ain’t getting naked around you!”
Javier shook his head. “Like we haven’t all seen each other naked already at some point.”
Shirt already sat on his horse and with hands working a boot off, Arthur taunted, “Don’t be a pussy, ya pussy.”
Bill, now flustered at being insulted, said, “I ain’t no pussy!” and began shedding his clothes off.
“What’chu so afraid of anyway? Think one of us gonna see your limp dick and want to suck it?”
“Shut it, Arthur!”
Everyone began taking their clothes and boots off, loading them up onto their horses. All five men were naked as the day they were born, wading into the cool lake. John wouldn’t come too deep in, stopping when he was about waist-deep in the water. Everyone else went farther in, Arthur making sure to get his shoulders in and wet.
“Really should learn how to swim, John,” he called out.
“Fuck you.”
“Love you too, baby brother.”
John splashed lake water at Arthur. Arthur just laughed at him.
“This is nice,” Charles said to no one in particular.
“Today’s been hotter than Satan’s asshole,” Bill replied.
“You would know,” Javier teased.
Bill flailed in the water. “You take that back, you greaser!”
Using both hands, Javier pushed a wave at Bill, splashing the water all over the man’s face.
“Fucking quit!”
Javier splashed him again. “Stop being a racist puta and I’ll consider it.”
“I can’t help it, I’m from the south!”
Another splash hit him right in the eyes. He wholly deserved it.
It was all in good fun. Everyone had ganged up on Bill because why not, splashing him and throwing the occasional dead fish his way.
But suddenly one of the horses whinnied a terrified noise, then all five horses began panicking and freaking out. They’d seen a snake slithering in the grass.
They all took off into the woods, taking the clothes with them. All that was left were five pairs of boots in the grass.
Arthur groaned, “Well shit.”
No horses, no clothes, yes boots. The gang took inventory of what they had and their options. They tried whistling but none of their horses came back. They’d probably taken off to camp and were out of range to hear the calls.
They’d be walking, fully naked. Five big, burly men… dicks out, asses jiggling.
And when you’re five men forced to walk that distance with nothing to cover yourself, you inevitably start comparing penises.
Of course Charles’s penis was the envy of the other guys, though they wouldn’t outright say it. It was big and thick, a solid six inches flaccid. It was dark and looked like quality chocolate. When they weren’t talking they could hear it slapping against Charles’s beefy thighs.
Slap. Slap. Slap.
“Jesus Christ, man, do you have back problems from that?” John asked coarsely.
“It can be a nuisance fitting in pants, but no back problems.”
“Must be hard,” Arthur chuckled. “How many women have you crippled with that thing?”
Charles shook his head. “You guys are funny.”
“Probably like fucking a horse,” Bill said. “N-not that I’d know.”
“Suuure, Bill.” Arthur drawled. “I seen the way you been lookin’ at The Count. I think he’s out of your league, to be honest.”
“I could so fuck that horse if I wanted to! I just don’t want to.”
“Really not helping your case here, Bill.” Javier said. “How many horses have you fucked?”
“None!” Bill’s face was red. “Shut up, I hate you guys!”
Charles laughed. “Is that why you’ve turned to horses?”
They’d surely have sunburnt dicks by the time they finally reached camp. The sun was high and unfortunately they were not. John would kill for some marijuana—to roll it into a cigarette and then puff on it until Pearson had dinner ready. To laugh at Dutch getting mad about the smell but not being able to place the source.
“I gotta take a leak,” Bill eventually said. They were in a lightly wooded area, avoiding the main roads when they could. Last thing they needed was to get robbed buck naked.
The group stopped and groaned.
“Before I go,” Bill stopped. “I was thinkin’… nobody suck my dick. Whatever you do, do not hold me down and suck on my dick. I’d hate it so much if you guys tried that. It would hurt so bad if you guys all blew me. Alright, well, I’m gonna go piss. Don’t you guys plan anything.”
Bill walked away. Javier looked at the other guys, confusion clear on his face. “What the fuck was that?”
John cleared his throat. “I think it’s like when I tell Jack not to do something and he does it anyway. What’d Hosea call that?”
“Reverse psychology,” Arthur said, peeling a testicle off his thigh. “What a dumbfuck. We should suck his dick.”
“What the hell happened to you guys?” Sean asked as the men walked to camp. He was on guard duty and torn between amusement and disgust at the five sweaty penises and testicles coming his way. “Jesus, Charles, how many women have you ruined with that thing?!”
“It was Arthur’s brilliant idea to go skinny-dipping,” Bill said, ready to throw Arthur under the bus. “Then our horses got spooked.”
“Yeah, well, it was Bill’s idea to have sex with a horse, so there,” Arthur spat back.
Charles and Javier had to step between Bill and Arthur to keep them from getting physical. They acted their age for just long enough to get the rest of the way into camp, suddenly all five were shyly covering their crotches with their hands.
God forbid a woman sees a penis.
“Looking good, boys,” one of the girls catcalled.
Hosea would turn a corner from behind a tent, see the naked men, and turn right back around muttering “Them boys ain’t right.”
They’d all get dressed again and avoid eye contact for the rest of the day. Later that night John would settle in to his and Abigail’s bed on the ground.
“You didn’t do anything funny with the guys today, did you? You came back… naked. You know I worry.”
John’s eyes glazed over as he remembered them all holding their dicks out, lining them up and arguing whose was longer or thicker. Charles won both.
“Nope, kept my eyes forward and just kept walking.”
“Who’s was biggest?”
“Charles by miles. Looked like a damn baby arm holding an apple.”