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‘Congratulations!!!’
This is why he loves his found family, every time there is cause for celebration they all pile into Bobby and Athena’s house gathering together sharing the love and light they have all found in each other and Chim and Maddie finally getting engaged was definitely cause for celebration.
They all sit around the table drinking champagne and talking and laughing, it was perfect. Too perfect.
Sitting to his right was Buck, his best friend, the best he had ever had to be honest, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for Buck, nothing Buck wouldn’t do for him. Their friendship was the most important thing in his life after his son.
To his left was Ana, his girlfriend, the woman who was perfect for him in every way, according to his parents, it was implied that he was punching well above his weight and he should do everything he can to hold on to her. She would make a perfect wife to him and a perfect step mother to Christopher.
The problem was he didn’t love her and he never would. He had tried, God how he had tried, on paper she was perfect she was sweet and kind and she put up with his moods and his codependency with Buck. But it wasn’t enough.
He thinks back to when they first met, how she made comments about Christopher that made his guts churn and a lump appear in his throat, how she was the first person in Christopher’s life since Shannon he really had to bite his tongue at that, how could she not know how important Buck was to Christopher, Buck was for all intents and purposes his second father, sometimes he was a better father than Eddie himself. How Christopher was a sensitive boy, his brave, courageous boy who survived multiple surgeries, his mother dying, a freaking tsunami, he was a hero to Eddie.
‘How about you Eddie?’
‘Sorry, what?’
‘I said do you think you will be next to take a walk down the aisle?’ Chim said waggling his eyebrows while sloshing his champagne all over the table in front of him.
Eddie’s stomach dropped to his feet and instantly his face felt like fire, Ana grabbed his hand and squeezed he turned to look at her and she was giving him this shy little smile biting her lip it should have delighted him, he should have felt grateful that someone as wonderful as her wanted to marry him, probably go on to have children and a dog and big house. He just felt sick.
The only thing keeping him in his chair was the large calloused hand of his best friend gripping his thigh, grounding him. What the hell does he even say,
‘Yes chimney, I’m going to get married one day to the love of my life although he doesn’t know I love him, he doesn’t know how my heart beats only for him and Christopher.’
So he laughs and it must come across as forced and insincere as it feels, because Athena throws him a sharp look and stares at him as if she is reading his each and every thought as it’s coming to him, he excuses himself and bolts to the bathroom, he stares at his reflection in the mirror his brown eyes are shiny and wild and his cheeks are still stained red with what he hopes his friends think is embarrassment but what is actually more of that gut wrenching shame.
The water he splashed on his face is cool and he takes a moment just to take some deep breaths, calm himself down, and bring back that stoic mask he wears so well.
There’s a light tapping on the door, he knows who it is before he even opens the door
‘Hey, you ok?’ Buck's soft voice instantly soothing him.
He opens the door and takes a second to just look at Buck, his beautiful blue eyes full of worry and hesitance, when will Buck realise Eddie will never not want him in his space? How Eddie just wants to curl into Buck's arms and be loved, he longs for it, he longs to kiss him, he longs for Buck to make love to him, he longs for Buck to tell him he loves him just as much as he loves Buck. But he can’t say it, not now, maybe not ever. He has to do what is right for Christopher and Christopher apparently needs a mother.
‘Yeah, I'm good man’
By the frown gracing Buck's face he knows he doesn’t buy it but that’s the beauty of Buck he won’t push, he will wait for Eddie to come to him. Buck reaches out and squeezes his fingers. The bolt of want that shoots down his spine is almost enough to overwhelm him, he wants so badly he’s drowning in it.
Buck releases his fingers and they make their way back to the party, Ana is waiting for him in the living room and pulls him into a hug he hugs her back the whole time his eyes are on the back of Bucks head he feels too big for his own skin,
‘Let’s get Christopher and go’ he needs this night to end, he needs to be able to stop pretending and breathe.
***************
He remembers when movie night was his favourite night of the week him, Buck and Christopher nestled together closely on the couch eating and laughing. He was happier and more carefree than he had ever been
Why did he have to ruin it? He wishes he had never run into Ana Flores again; he wishes he was strong enough to tell his parents where to shove their opinions. But he isn’t, he’s a coward.
Movie night now means Eddie and Ana on the couch and Buck and Christopher on his old worn armchair, heads bent together giggling. He wishes he were squeezed on there with them. Ana has both arms wrapped around him and he feels suffocated he has to physically stop himself from cringing as she rubs her hand down his side to rest on his hip, her thumb slipping beneath his shirt to rub at the golden skin beneath, his stomach swoops with the way his skin is crawling, he needs to move before he loses it.
He clenches his teeth so hard his teeth crack, Bucks head snaps over to him asking him with his eyes if he’s ok, what’s he supposed to say? ‘Yeah I’m fine I’m just going to throw up because my girlfriend is touching me and it feels like I’m suffocating, so he nods his head and tries to focus on the movie.
‘Dad, can me and Buck have ice cream?’
‘It’s a bit late for ice cream Christopher’ Ana’s voice does that thing where she sounds like she is talking to a 5 not 11 year old,
‘Can we Dad?’
He looks between Christopher’s pleading, Ana’s expectant and Bucks I’m invisible face and sighs,
‘Sure just 2 scoops though, no more, Buck will help you’ he knows as soon as they leave the room a conversation will be had and maybe that’s a good thing.
‘You can’t undermine me like that in front of him, if I’m going to be playing the role of his mother he needs to learn to respect me, he respects Buck more than me and he’s not even family, what happens when we have our own child and they think they can disrespect me the way Christopher does’
And ok, yeah, no that’s not what he expected her to say,
‘Excuse me?’ He manages to just about stutter out
‘I’ve been thinking, and I think Buck is a wonderful guy but maybe it’s time for him to take a step back and for me to take over some of the responsibilities for Christopher, it’s time that our relationship moved forward and Chimney is right, it could be us next, we are amazing together we could have an amazing family, it’s time for Buck to step back so we can move forward’
All he can hear is white noise, her lips are still moving but he can’t hear a single word she is saying, make Buck step back? Even the thought of it is like a hand around his throat squeezing his windpipe,
‘No’ his voice sounds as strangled as he imagined it would,
‘No, no, no, no, no’ he half shouts
Ana flinches back and he can’t even feel bad because what she is suggesting is unfathomable, him step back from Buck? He can’t even comprehend what she is saying, there are so many words trying to break out of his mouth at once that he can’t make a single one come out.
Buck come barrelling through the kitchen door and starts making his way towards him, like Eddie is some kind of wild animal ready to pounce and maybe he is, he grabs Buck by the wrist and pulls him behind him not letting go his grip firm and sure over his dead body will someone be taking Buck away.
‘Get out!’
His voice is cold and harsh he doesn’t sound anything like himself, his hands are shaking and he’s hot all over, what the hell is he doing, Buck frees his wrist and wraps his arms around Eddie’s chest from behind whispering soothing words into his ear, words he can’t even hear from the blood rushing round his body.
Ana is standing before him quietly crying and he should feel bad but he can’t not when she wants to take Buck away from him, how could she even suggest it.
He hears Christopher shuffle into the room and he looks at his beautiful amazing son and there it is, the shame starts to pool in his belly and before he knows it hot stinging tears are rolling down his cheeks and sobs start to wrack his body.
Buck turns him round and holds him close, pulls Eddie’s face into his neck and Eddie inhales lungful of Buck, if anything could ground him it was Buck.
‘Ana, I don’t know what’s going on but you should leave’
‘What? No! Why should I leave? Buck, have you considered that the problem could be you? And that you should be the one to leave’
Buck had gone stiff in his arms probably already believing he was the problem, Eddie needed to end this now he couldn’t allow her to put any sort of dent in Bucks already damaged self esteem.
‘Ana, I’m sorry for shouting but you need to leave, this is never going to work, you won’t ever be my wife, you won’t ever be Christopher’s mother he has a mother. Shannon will always be his mother and he has two fathers he doesn’t need anymore parents’
‘Edmundo, we could have a beautiful family, I can be everything you want’
‘I’m sorry, I can’t’
Not waiting for her to say anything back, he made his way to Christopher and held his son
‘I’m so sorry you had to see that buddy
‘It’s ok dad, I saved you some ice cream and Buck found brownies so we made brownies and vanilla ice cream for dessert’
‘What would I do without my boys huh? How about we bring it in here and watch the rest of the movie?’
‘Yes!!!’
At least his son was easily distracted
‘Want to tell me what that was all about?’ Buck asked his voice curious but undemanding
‘I’ll tell you later, first I want to sit and eat dessert with my favourite guys’ he smiled a genuine smile, which can’t have been lost on Buck who beamed back at him and went to grab the bowls before bouncing down on the couch, just the way it was meant to be.
********************
Eddie returned from putting Christopher to bed to Buck pacing a hole in his hardwood floor, he stood and looked at his best friend, from his blond hair that glowed even lighter in the hot California sunshine, his birthmark a beautiful pink smudge above even more beautiful blue eyes, blue eyes that he just wants to lose himself in, his broad shoulders that Eddie knows first hand cam dead lift him from the ground, his powerful muscles and lastly his hands, hands that have held him up and saved his life, hands that he wants roaming all over his body while he begs for more, he will always want more. With a sigh he walks further into the room grabs Buck by his hand and pulls him to the couch,
‘You ready to talk now?’
‘Not really, but you deserve an explanation’
‘Hey, Ed’s if you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to, you know that’
‘Honestly, I think I need to, just let me say everything before you interrupt ok?’
‘Ok, just whenever you’re ready’
God this was gonna suck,
‘Ana wanted me to ask you to step back from me and Christopher so she could be more involved, so we could build a family’
Buck gasped beside him and grabbed Eddie’s hand,
‘It’s ok just let me finish’
‘I told her no obviously’ Buck deflated next to him but Eddie carried on grasping his hand. Nothing could make him let go right now because the words were going to come whether he wanted them to or not and he needed to keep buck here.
“I didn’t love her, not even a little and I know it’s horrible I should have told her I shouldn’t have kept her living in a lie with me but Buck, I couldn’t take it anymore, my parents kept telling me how I was finally doing something right by Christopher how she would make a wonderful wife and mother how we could bless them with more grandchildren, I’ve always been such a huge disappointment to them to hear them actually say something positive about me I didn’t want to give it up, I don’t want to always be a let down.’
Buck pulled him into a tight hug, eddie tucked his chin under Bucks neck and just listened to his steady breathing for a minute,
‘Tonight when Chim asked about marriage, I couldn’t imagine it with her, I couldnt even handle it when she touched me, you shouldn’t cringe when your own girlfriend touches you, I don’t know, maybe I am just defective, maybe I want too much and should just settle for something that does look good on paper.’
Buck shifted them on the couch until Eddie was laying with his back to the back of the couch tucked into Buck's side, they just lay there for a minute in silence, Eddie brushing his thumb over Buck's shirt right above his heart. Willing his love through his fingertips.
After a while Buck buried his head in Eddie’s hair and brushed his hand up his back, his shirt had ridden up and as soon as Buck touched skin that was it, game over.
His fingers felt like they were leaving trails of fire and it took Eddie’s breath away. Who knew a little flutter of fingertips could feel this good, Buck touching him was a revelation and he wanted, no he needed more.
He lifted his head and Buck was already staring at him, his face open and the love he saw reflected back at him made him want, so he leaned forward and brushed his lips against Bucks in a sweet caress that soon turned hungry,
He crawled into Bucks lap and sunk his fingers into his gorgeous hair, hair that he fantasized about pulling more time than he could count, it was just as soft as he imagined, his fingers getting lost in the curls, the kiss turned into more teeth and tongue than anything else and Eddie was certain you weren’t supposed to get this turned on by kissing alone.
Eddie was grinding down in Buck's lap chasing his high, moans spilling from his lips as Buck tried to swallow the noise, Buck’s eyes were blown wide and that was Eddie’s undoing, he did that to buck he made Buck feel like that.
He wanted to cry he felt so good, he was vibrating out of his own skin, Buck was brushing his hand through Eddie’s hair and eddie was practically purring,
‘I’m in love with you Buck,’
‘I know Ed’s, I’ve known for a while’
‘What? Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘You weren’t ready and you needed to be ready, which I’m pretty sure you are now, I love you too Eddie, I’m pretty sure I always have.’
It was like his strings had been cut, he buried himself back in Bucks neck and cried, he couldn’t believe it, he had wanted this for so long, all he wanted was for Buck to love him back and to hear that he did was almost too much, his every dream was coming true and he was having a hard time believing it,
‘We are still a family aren’t we Buck? I didn’t ruin it’
‘Baby, of course we are, It’s you, me and Christopher, always’