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She spends New Year's Day alone.
And it's embarrassing, really. Rey lives in New York fucking City.
She should be in Times Square right now, wriggling through the crowds of people wrapped in scarves and beanies to combat the city's freezing winter nights.
Her hand should be clasped in his as they make their way closer to the front of the crowd where Ryan Secrest is counting down the last seconds of the year.
She should be kissing him as the ball drops, surrounded by a sea of a million other people, too in love to care about how the cold is beginning to numb her cheeks, and how all she can feel is his lips moving against hers.
The blinding colors and giant flat screens flashing obnoxious advertisements should be fading away to a dull black and gray around them.
The cheers and air horns being blasted by the city's residents and tourists should be muffling to silent white noise; because every time she was with him, nothing else mattered.
Nothing but them.
Instead, Rey is alone in her apartment. Her hand is clasped around a cup of hot chocolate, and she sits motionless on a tattered couch she found from a thrift store. Her cheeks are pink from the warmth of the heater and from the blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Her living room is dark and quiet, except for the soft beams that seep between her curtains from the streetlights below. She can hear the excited laughter of people walking by and the fireworks blasting into the sky a few blocks away.
She finishes the remains of her warm drink and goes to bed before midnight.
Rey spends Valentine's Day alone too.
The bar she works at is decorated with pink streamers and hearts dangle from the ceiling. They're serving a special drink, it's the color of love, all red and shiny from the glitter they put in. There is a bowl of candy hearts on the counter and the little messages on it make her want to vomit.
Rey's mind wanders to a better time as she wipes down a table, preparing for the holiday night rush hour. She woke up to a bouquet of spinebarrels and nightblossoms and endless kisses. They were her favorite because the flowers flourished and grew even in the worst conditions. It reminded Rey of her—he said so too.
So, then she spends Easter alone, the Fourth of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and all the days that fall in between.
Rey has her friends, of course. Finn, Poe, and Rose are everything to her and they make her feel loved on the days she feels like she isn't deserving of it. But they aren't him.
They aren't Ben.
But Rey supposes she can't really complain. She was the one who left him after all.
Rey remembers how it all started. How the dominos began to fall in late November—when the leaves had cycled through its vivid shades of red and orange and fell to the floor lifeless, void of the color it once had.
They were still trying to get through leftover turkey and mashed potatoes, but their apartment was already decorated in strings of Christmas lights. After years of spending Christmas in a run-down, molding, and gloomy orphanage, Rey took every opportunity she could to celebrate each holiday to the fullest. So, the second Thanksgiving decorations went down, up went the tree, the tinsel, and the light-up snowman they put on the small New York fire escape.
They decorated the tree together after a long morning of staying in bed. Their bellies were still full of the Thanksgiving feast, their legs were tangled with each other's, and Ben had made it a goal to explore every inch of her body with his mouth.
They pulled on Christmas-themed onesies that afternoon. Rey was Frosty the Snowman and Ben was Rudolph—it was the most endearing thing to see his big frame fit into a reindeer outfit.
Outside, the first snow of winter was coming down on New York City, like powdered sugar being dusted on gingerbread houses. They took to the kitchen after hanging ornaments and tinsel on their real tree—Rey had insisted it be real—and started baking sugar cookies. She could not recall ever being so happy. Her heart was so full of joy and love and when they'd shoved the odd-shaped cookies into the oven, Ben wouldn't stop kissing her and his lips tasted like sugar from sampling the dough too often.
They almost burnt the cookies.
I should've known better, Rey thinks now. Life had always dealt her a bad hand; she should've known things wouldn't stay good for long.
Ben's Thanksgiving vacation ended abruptly, and he was whipped away by work. His schedule had been getting crazier with an increasing amount of business trips and mandatory meetings. Eventually, she saw less of him, and he only popped by their apartment to pack a change of fresh clothes and press a too quick kiss to Rey's forehead.
She was left to wash his clothes and have them freshly packed and folded the next time he had time to return home. It broke her heart and at night, the bed felt too big and empty without his presence. Without his arms around her body. Without the comfort of feeling the slow rise and fall of his chest against hers.
For the first time in a long time, Rey felt alone again.
Then the day before her birthday rolled around, three days before Christmas. Ben crawled into bed a quarter to two in the morning, awakening Rey from her sleep.
"I feel like I never see you anymore," she said, voice rough from sleep. It brought a painful ache to her stomach to say it out loud and acknowledge it.
"I know, sweetheart," Ben replied, pressing a soft kiss against her lips. "I'm doing this for us, for you. It'll all pay off in the end and I'll be able to give you everything you ever wanted."
Rey blinked sleepily. "Ben, this is all I want and need. I don't need anything else; you don't have to be a slave to Snoke. Leave the First Order. Come home."
"You know I can't do that, Rey," he murmured, his pale features highlighted by the moonlight. "This is just for a little while; I won't be working as much once we close this deal."
"Will you at least be here tomorrow? Everyone we know is coming over," she asked. "It's my birthday, Ben."
Ben pulled Rey into his arms, and she instinctively burrowed her face in the crook of his shoulder.
"I promise, sweetheart. I'll be there."
The next morning, she woke up alone.
Rey shook her head of the negative thoughts that invaded her head. Ben made a promise to her, and he never broke his promises. He'll be at her birthday party tonight. He'll show up with that huge smile she loved, and it would feel like all the stars in heaven were aligning.
Her friends started to arrive around the afternoon, bringing trays of food, sweets, and gifts wrapped in sparkly paper. Rose brought the birthday cake, she baked it herself and slathered the red velvet cake with sweet cream cheese frosting—Rey's favorite.
By the time the sun was already making its descent past the horizon, Ben still hadn't shown up yet. She resisted the urge to call him because he didn't like it when she bothered him at work, but Rey was beginning to worry. She was standing on their fire escape, accompanied by the light-up snowman, a can of beer in her hand, and the wind cold on her skin.
All the worst scenarios filled her brain, and every siren made her flinch. Maybe he'd been in an accident on his way here. Maybe something terrible happened at work. Maybe—
"How have you been, Rey?" Lando's voice snapped her out of her trance, and she pulled back into reality.
She tore her gaze off the New York skyline, forcing herself to look at Ben's family friend with a large smile.
"I— I've been doing good," Rey nodded, wondering if what she said was a lie.
A warm chuckle tore out of Lando, and he grinned, "That's nice to hear, I hope your job is treating you well."
She laughed lightly. "I've been getting a lot more tips at the bar recently, so that's been great. How's the company?"
"Actually, about that. I wanted to have a little chat with Ben. Do you know where he is?"
Rey felt a lump rise up her throat and she shrugged awkwardly. He was the fifth person to ask her where Ben was, and she was beginning to grow tired of it. "At work, I think. He said he'd be here, but I'm sure he's just..."
Lando sighed, shaking his head. "I'll make sure to talk some sense into that boy the next time I see him." He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I'm sure he didn't forget, darling."
"Thanks, Lando." she offered a reassuring smile. Rey just wanted to be alone again and wondered if she could escape her own birthday party. The old lawyer seemed to take the hint and wandered back into the warmth of her apartment.
Even in a thin dress, the freezing winter temperature didn't affect her. Besides, going back inside would mean interacting with people and Rey didn't know if she could handle more people asking her where Ben was. Tears pricked at her eyes as she stared ahead. The ache in her chest was so powerful, she felt as if she was going to collapse.
"Rey?" Finn's comforting voice said behind her. She heard two pairs of footsteps shuffle next to her on the railing and Finn and Poe appeared in the corner of her vision.
She felt Finn gently touching her lower back. "Peanut, are you okay?"
"You've been out here for a long time," Poe said next. "It's cold, maybe you should come back in?"
That's when Rey broke out in full sobs. Tears streamed down her cheeks and embarrassed, she buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking and chest heaving. Her friends said nothing, and Rey felt Finn's arms wrap around her.
"Stars, I don't even know why I'm acting like this," she said through sobs. "It's just a silly little birthday party."
"You have every right to feel sad and disappointed," Finn replied sternly.
She shook her head in disbelief. "I haven't seen him for more than one full day these past few weeks. I've never felt more alone, Finn."
"You're not alone, you have us." Poe was the one to say this. Rey lifted her head from her hands, her face was probably all red and blotchy from crying. "Thanks, but it's— it's different, Poe."
"I'll go back inside and tell everyone the party is over, okay?" Finn asked, pulling from her. "Then, if you're up for it, there's always a spare room at Poe and I's apartment."
"We're here if you need it, Rey," Poe nodded, agreeing with his boyfriend.
"I'm going to try and talk with Ben first, but it— that would be nice," Rey said, her voice awfully small and quiet. "Thank you."
"Anything for you, peanut."
The boys disappeared back inside and a few minutes later, she felt them throw a blanket over her shoulders, inviting her back into an empty living room. Finn shoved a mug of hot chocolate into her hands and seated her on the couch.
"We can stay if you want," he said, sitting next to her.
Rey closed her eyes and shook her head. "No, I'll be fine. I want to be alone for now."
There's a second of silence before she felt Finn's weight leave the couch.
"Alright. I'm only a phone call away if you need anything, peanut."
She kept her eyes closed, nodded once, and then heard the front door shut. By the time she finished her hot chocolate, there was a little more strength in her body. The clock read that it was thirty minutes to midnight and there was still no word from Ben.
No phone call. No text. No happy birthday wishes.
She called him three times to no avail, and she started to panic again. What if he really had been in an accident? Straightening her thoughts, Rey tried the First Order front desk where a rude receptionist told her Ben was wrapping up a meeting.
From that point on, Rey went into autopilot mode. She forced herself off the couch and began to clean. She picked greasy paper plates from the table and abandoned half drank cups of beer from the counter, doing anything to take her mind off of Ben. After thirty minutes, she had the entire apartment spotless.
Rey dragged herself to the bathroom and turned on the shower. She let the hot water hit her face as she stared absentmindedly at the tiled wall, steam billowing around her.
Forty-five minutes later, she was sitting on the couch again in one of Ben's hoodies and sweatpants. It was dark except for the Christmas lights twinkling around the apartment and on the tree. Ben still wasn't home.
Ten more minutes passed before Ben finally staggered in through the front door, his keys jingling as he hung it on a hook. A huge relief washed over her knowing he was safe, but it was quickly replaced by a blend of sadness and anger.
"Sweetheart, what are you doing sitting all alone in the dark?" Ben asked, kicking off his shoes. He made his way to Rey and leaned down to press a gentle kiss on her head. "Are you okay?"
"It's almost one am," she responded monotonously, staring straight ahead. She could feel his gaze on her, but she refused to meet it.
Ben seemed confused and sat next to her. "Sorry, I got held up. What's wrong?"
Rey shook her head and she almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. She didn't respond. Didn't feel like helping him put together what he did wrong. Luckily for Ben, he figured it out after thirty seconds of silence.
"Oh— Rey, I—," he stumbled over his words, trying to find the right ones. He stopped himself, taking a deep breath before finally saying, "Happy birthday, Rey."
She snorted, eyes darting to the clock on the wall. "Only forty-seven minutes late."
"I—I'm sorry."
Finally, Rey turned to meet his eyes. They were wide and she could see the Christmas lights and regret reflecting off of them. "You promised you'd be here."
"There was a lot happening at work today," Ben exhaled, shaking his head. "I—It slipped my mind—"
"I thought I'd lost you," she said, tears springing to her eyes, and Ben's body tensed in response. "I thought you were in an accident or something terrible had happened to you."
He looked surprised. "I'm fine. I'm safe, Rey."
Ben leaned forward to try and take her hands, but she backed away. He looked as if she'd just stabbed him, shoulders slumping in defeat as he pulled back.
"Doesn't it concern you that this is the longest conversation we've had in weeks, Ben?" Rey asked wearily, the first teardrop trailing down her face.
"I've been busy, sweetheart. Snoke keeps calling me in for meetings and trips because he trusts me. It's a good thing, trust me."
"Is it?"
"Rey, I don't understand why you're so upset."
"Do you know what happened all night?" she asked him. "People came up to me and kept asking me where you were, and I had no answer for them. I— I thought the worst Ben. Imagine my surprise when you come home an hour after my birthday, oblivious to why I'm upset."
"It's just a birthday, Rey. We can celebrate again next year."
"It's not just that, you've barely been home since Thanksgiving."
"My job—"
"I wish you'd quit from that evil place," Rey spat icily.
"The First Order is not evil."
She let out a dry laugh through her tears. "Yes, it is. I don't know why you can't see it, Ben. I've hated that place since you joined. They utilize the most unsustainable and unethical practices to manufacture products. And Snoke— Snoke is the fucking worst."
"Oh, come on, Rey," Ben's voice changed from an apologetic tone to a lethal one. "You're just jealous because you come from nothing. You're nothing and you expect me to give you everything."
"What?" was all she could manage to say, and she watched as Ben's face crumpled. He drew in a sharp inhale and tried reaching for her again. Rey stood this time, slowly backing away from him.
His expression was painted in fear as he tried to retract his words. "No, wait—that's not what I meant."
"All I ever wanted from you was you, not your bloody money, not your status. Stars, Ben, all I asked was for you to show up at my birthday party, or at the very least wish me a happy birthday."
"I'm sorry."
She tightened her jaw and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry too."
Rey turned on her feet and left the apartment. The next thing she remembered was standing in front of Finn and Poe's door, eyes stained with tears and hair wet with melted snow.
Rey wasn't up for having a birthday party this year, she moved into a small and cramped apartment a few weeks after breaking up with Ben. She couldn't rely on Finn and Poe forever. It was much smaller than the one she shared with Ben, but at least there was a roof over her head and running water.
Finn insisted they have the party at his place, and he promised it would go well. It wasn't convincing enough until he said he'd buy her lunch for a week. Unfortunately for her, Finn was right.
The smell of overly sweet frosting is still lingering in the air after the gingerbread house-making contest. She is having fun and it is going well.
"Gather around, everyone!" Poe's voice booms out across the living room. "It's time for cake!"
The lights switch off and Rey laughs as she allows herself to be pushed into the middle of the room where a two-tiered chocolate cake rests patiently on the table. There is a large sparkler candle stuck in the middle of it and it sparks fervently.
"Come on, get in front of the cake, Rey," Finn exclaims, giving her a gentle push.
"I'm going, I'm going," says Rey, excitedly. She sits down on the floor in front of the cake and admires it, she's never seen a candle so big before.
Several people pull out their phones as they begin to record her. She looks around the room, eyes wide and full of awe. Rey wonders how she got to be so lucky to have so many people love her. Beyond her better judgment, her thoughts flee to Ben and her heart tightens, aching for him and wishing he were here. The crowd starts to sing the happy birthday song and it's enough to drag her out of her thoughts. She beams happily as the small crowd bursts into cheers after the song finishes.
"Make a wish!" Finn tells her and she closes her eyes before reopening them. It takes several blows, but finally, the sparkler goes out and the apartment is plunged in darkness again until someone turns on the light.
Just as they're about to slice into Rose's homemade perfection, the sound of the doorbell rings through the apartment.
"I'll go get it," Poe announces, beckoning for them to continue.
Rey makes the first cut into the cake when she hears Poe's voice, loud and clear.
"You need to leave."
Then the person at the door replies.
"I just want to talk to her, Poe."
And it's that low, rough, voice that makes Rey's whole-body tense up. She freezes mid-slice, her heart falling to the floor, and a million thoughts race through her head.
"No, no, you can't be here right now," Poe replies protectively. "You're not welcome."
Ben's voice is pleading. "Please, Poe. I just need two seconds."
"Buddy, don't make me call the poli–"
"It's fine, Poe." Rey approaches the two. Ben is eyeing her with such intensity, it almost makes her want to turn and leave. Poe turns to her, expression full of concern and he places his hand on her shoulder. "Are you sure?"
"I'll be okay."
He glances over her shoulder, undoubtedly making eye contact with Finn before he nods. "If he tries anything, I'm here if you need someone to beat him up, okay?"
"I appreciate the offer," says Rey, a gentle smile on her lips. Poe gives her two pats before walking around her and leaving. She looks back up at Ben, and motions for them to step outside so they can talk.
"You—" Ben starts, punctuating his sentence with an awkward chuckle. "You look nice."
The air gets knocked out her lungs and suddenly she can't breathe. Rey cuts straight to the point. "What do you want, Ben?"
"I just wanted to say happy birthday," he says, handing her a small white box with a discrete logo on it. She knows what it is immediately. It's from a bakery in California. A cupcake to be exact, but this is no ordinary cupcake.
The last memory Rey has of her parents is eating a chocolate cupcake with vanilla frosting from a small bakery in California, where she was born. After their deaths and after leaving the orphanage, Rey tried to find the bakery again only to discover the owners retired. She was devastated she never got to try it again, but nowhere Ben was, handing it to her.
Rey is overwhelmed by all the feelings all at once. She doesn't know whether to be overjoyed that he found the cupcake, or to be angry that he feels like he can come barging into her life again or devastated that she was seeing the man who broke her heart again.
Regardless, Rey takes the box from him. Carefully and slowly.
"How?" she sputters, shaking her head. "How did you do this?"
Ben places an envelope on top of the box. "I tracked down the owners using every public database I could, then flew out to California to meet them. The old couple was more than happy to bake you a cupcake and—" he points to the envelope. "That's the recipe for it too."
She doesn't know what to say but, "Thank you."
"It was no problem at all," the corner of his lips tugging into a small smile. There's a second of silence before he adds, "You know I'd do anything for you."
Her eyes shoot up from the gift to look at him. "Ben..."
"I also wanted to say that I'm sorry," he says, searching her eyes. "For everything. I'm sorry for messing it all up. I'm sorry I wasn't the person you deserved. And most of all, I'm sorry I hurt you. I'd—" he inhales sharply, painfully. "I'd take it all back if I could, Rey. I didn't mean any of it, I'm sorry."
Rey isn't able to hold it back anymore and a flood of tears fills her eyes, blurring her vision. Her heart was beating so loudly in her chest, she swore Ben could hear it. She needs to know why things ended the way they did.
"Was... was I doing something wrong? Was there something wrong with me?" asks Rey, voice small and quiet as tears streamed down her face. She notices Ben's hand twitch once at his side, as if he wants to wipe them off her cheeks like he used to but decided better against it. "I made you my everything, Ben. You were my whole world and I felt like I was begging just to be a speck of dust in yours."
"Rey, no." His eyes are watery, and he takes a tentative step forward. "Fuck. There was nothing wrong with you, and you did nothing wrong. I was the one who ruined us. Please don't blame yourself."
"Then why?"
"I was terrified that you would leave me. I realized that eventually, you'll wake up and realize you deserved more than a fuck up than me and leave. Snoke didn't make it any better, he planted insecurities in my head to keep me at work longer. I shouldn't have let him get to me, but he knew exactly which buttons to push."
Rey doesn't know what to say. She just stares at him, and he takes another step forward, closing the distance between them.
"God, I was such a mess after you left that night. I kept expecting you to walk through the front door, but when Finn and Poe came to pick up your stuff a week later, I knew it was real and I fucked up."
"You left me first." Rey points out.
Ben freezes, expression pained as if she just stabbed him, and he looks down at his feet in shame.
"Ben, you knew my past, how nothing scares me more than the thought of being alone again and you still did it. How many nights did I go to sleep alone and wake up alone, only to see you pop in and to grab a quick change of clothes? You left me a long time ago, way before I left you."
He's crying silently when he lifts his head. "I can never say I'm sorry enough, but I am. I'm so fucking sorry for every single thing I did leading to your birthday. I don't expect you to forgive me. I need you to know I quit the First Order and got a job at Lando's, just like you always wanted."
It's Rey's turn to freeze. He quit. Ben turns to leave but Rey stumbles forward to grasp his wrist. His head snaps back to her, eyes darting between her grip on him and her face.
She blurts it out before she can hesitate. "I forgive you."
The slightest flicker of hope flashes in his brown eyes.
"I forgive you," she repeats. Clearly and loudly. "Ben, I would never think of you as anything less than you are. You're not a... a fuck up as you so eloquently put it. You're my other half, the missing piece of my soul."
"Does that mean...?" he begins slowly. Too scared to cross a line but desperate to know the answer.
"I love you; I don't think I can ever stop loving you," she admits boldly.
Ben pulls her into a hug in one swift move, his chin resting on her shoulder as he pulls her in tighter. It's like he needs reassurance that she's there and that somehow if he even loosens his embrace, she'd disappear again.
"I love you, Rey," he says into her hair. "If you'd let me, I promise to love you right this time."
She pulls away to cup his tear-streaked face, looking into his vibrant eyes. "You promise?"
"I swear on my life," he leans down to kiss her, and everything feels right again. His lips on hers. Two puzzle pieces, beautiful on their own, but even more stunning when connected to form a bigger, more complicated picture.
"I swear on my sourdough starter," he continues between their kisses, eliciting a giggle from Rey. "I swear on my too expensive moisturizer, the one you claim to hate even though you steal it when you think I'm not looking." He kisses her nose. "I swear on my plants, on all the ivy and succulents." He kisses her freckles. "I swear on my cursed money. On my reputation." He trails kisses down her neck. "I swear on my life, Rey. Without you, I'm nothing so I swear on it all, on everything I have, on everything I am. I swear, Rey. I swear I'll love you right."
Rey bursts into a fit of laughter and Ben pulls from her, a confused but happy look on his face.
"You're so dramatic, Ben Solo," she grins and pulls him inside to join the rest of her friends.
Rey spends New Year's Day with him.
They're weaving through the crowd of bodies in Times Square, her gloved hand clasped in his as they make their way closer to the Ball Drop. It's so cold that her breath is visible, and her nose is tinged pink, but she doesn't care.
All around them, people are cheering excitedly, and the billboards are flashing advertisements for all kinds of things. Ben kisses her three seconds before the New Year, too impatient to wait for the stupid ball to drop and for the sea of strangers to finish chanting.
"Happy New Year, Rey," Ben says, loud enough for only them to hear when they finally pull away. A flurry of confetti and snow falls around them and he rests his forehead on her own. Rey's heart feels like it's going to explode with happiness because everything is as it should be again. She tilts her head upward and kisses him again.
"Happy New Year, Ben."