Chapter Text
It all starts on a morning like any other.
Five is sitting in the living room, newspaper unfolded in his lap as he fills in a crossword puzzle, when Claire comes skipping into the room. Five glances up at her, notices she’s wearing her purple princess dress, and sighs through his nose. It’s the dress she wears when she hosts her little ‘tea parties,’ meaning she’s going to try and rope him into one in three… two… one…
“Uncle Five!”
Five can’t help but chuckle at her predictability. He lifts his head to look at her, fingers itching to reach out and straighten her lopsided tiara.
“Niece Claire,” he responds, earning a giggle from the small girl. “What can I do for you this morning?”
“Me and Mr. Wumples are hosting a tea party and we wanted you to come!”
“Who’s Mr. Wumples?” Five asks, setting the newspaper aside.
“My stuffed animal!” she exclaims, throwing her hands in the air. Her tiara takes the opportunity to jump ship, tipping off her head and falling to the ground. “Whoops,” Claire giggles, snatching up the item and placing it backward on her head.
Five bites his cheek to keep from laughing and pushes himself up from the couch. He walks over and fixes the plastic crown so that it sits properly on her head, smoothing down some fly-away hairs while he’s at it.
“So, you and your stuffed animal are inviting me to a tea party, huh?”
Her eyes widen as she pushes a finger to her lips. “Shhh! I don’t want him to know he’s a stuffed animal. He’ll be really sad.”
Five blinks down at her. “Uh, right. Apologies. How… how inconsiderate of me.”
She beams up at him again, dimples appearing on both cheeks. “It’s okay! Will you join us?”
Five sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “That’s very kind of you, Claire. Unfortunately, I’m a little busy--”
“Pleeease Uncle Five?” she begs, blinking big puppy eyes up at him.
If it were anyone else trying to use the look, Five would roll his newspaper up and whack them over the head with it. Claire, however, seems to have a way of wrapping everyone around her tiny fingers, and Five is no exception.
“What about Luther?” Five questions. “He loves tea time, doesn’t he?”
She wrinkles her nose. “He’s in the garden playing with worms.”
“Fair enough,” Five mutters. “How about Klaus? He likes it when you paint his nails afterward.”
“He’s still sleeping. I didn’t want to wake him up.”
“All right. Diego?”
“I already asked Uncle Diego. He said that you were acting like a lonely old man again with your newspapers and that you needed some company.”
Five bristles and grits his teeth, muttering, “Uncle Diego can mind his own god damn business.”
Claire covers her mouth to stifle a giggle. “Mommy says that’s a naughty word.”
“Trust me, sweetie. Your mother swears like a sailor,” he deadpans. He then sighs after a moment and takes Claire’s hand in his own. “I suppose I can take an hour out of my busy schedule.”
Claire squeals in delight and tugs him through the halls to her room. “You’re the coolest uncle ever! ”
Well, Five won’t argue with that.
~~~
“And some for you, and some for Barbie, and some for--oops! I spilled some,” Claire giggles.
Five blinks at the dry spot, wishing he were anywhere else than having to play make-believe with his niece. It’s not that he doesn’t love Claire. He does. Immensely so. But he’d spent far too many years in the apocalypse pretending. Pretending that his siblings were a few feet away, alive and well when he closed his eyes at night. Pretending that he knew how to survive on his own in a temperamental wasteland. Pretending that he didn’t feel a bone-deep loneliness seeping further into his skin day after day, year after year.
No, Five has had his fill of pretending. But, as he watches Claire wipe up the invisible spill, humming a happy tune under her breath, he thinks he can pretend just a little longer.
“Okay, it’s ready!” Claire squeals, dropping the towel to the ground and clapping her hands. She scoots a cup over to her stuffed animal before handing one to Five. “You have to stick your pinky up, otherwise it’s not a real tea party,” she instructs.
“Right, right. How could I forget tea-party etiquette?” Five murmurs. He does as instructed and lifts the cup to his lips, nearly dropping the damn thing as Claire gives a shout of protest.
“Wait! I forgot something.” She tiptoes to her toybox and rummages around in there, tongue poking between her lips in concentration. She pulls back after a few moments, a pleased smile on her lips as she lifts out a purple tiara and matching wand. She holds the tiara out to him and waits patiently for him to take it.
“Oh,” Five says. “That’s very kind you of, Claire, but no thank you. Boys don’t usually wear those kinds of things.”
She puts hands on her hips and stares at him disapprovingly, looking like a mini-Allison. It’s downright terrifying.
“Mommy says that gender constructs are for the weak-minded, and people can wear whatever they want, including makeup. You’re not weak-minded, are you Uncle Five?”
Five can do nothing but stare at her for a solid minute, opening and closing his mouth like a gaping fish. He eventually finds his voice, low and raspy. “How old are you? Six?”
“And a half,” she corrects.
“My mistake.” He sighs and reaches out a hand, ignoring how bizarre the whole thing is. “You drive a hard bargain, kid.” He grabs the tiara and carefully settles it onto his head.
“It’s perfect!” Claire chirps, settling down next to Five on the floor.
Five frowns as he catches his reflection in her vanity mirror. He swivels his head around for a moment as he scrutinizes himself. “I’m not sure lilac is my color.”
“Colors are for everyone, silly billy!” Claire counters.
Five can’t help but laugh at that. He grabs the teacup once again and holds up his pinky, freezing at the sound of the floorboards creaking outside the door.
“Now this is precious.”
Five whips his head around so fast that he’s surprised the tiara doesn’t go flying. He grits his teeth as he spots Diego leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest, looking like the cat that got the cream. Of all fucking people to be prowling the halls at this moment, it had to be the sibling who’s most likely to hold this over Five’s head.
Though, can Five blame him? He knows what Diego sees; a man in his mid-twenties folded up like an awkward pretzel on the floor, limbs now too long and lanky to look anywhere near as composed as Five likes to be. The tiara is just the icing on the cake.
Suddenly, Five is very grateful that Claire didn’t make him play dress-up. If he’d been caught wearing a gown and plastic children’s heels, he’d of had to teleport himself straight off the roof.
“If you breathe a word of this to anyone,” Five says, low and deadly. “I will rip out your intestines and strangle you with them as you sleep.”
Diego gives a low whistle and holds up his hands in surrender. “That’s oddly specific,” he mutters.
Five flips him off and straightens his tiara.
Diego then sends a huge grin toward Claire, who is looking quite unimpressed at her tea party being interrupted. “How about I take a picture, huh? You can hang it on your wall, Claire.”
Five opens his mouth to give him a verbal lashing, but to his surprise, Claire huffs and pushes herself up off the floor. She stalks toward Diego with determination, swinging her little arms with all her might. “You’re interrupting our party!” she exclaims, shutting the door in Diego’s surprised face.
Five bites his cheek to hold back the laughter that wants to spill out. He may be wearing a tiara, but at least he’s never had his ego crushed by a child.
“Now, where were we?” Claire mumbles, scrunching her face up in thought.
“We were about to drink tea,” Five supplies. It’s not because he’s feeling particularly helpful, but because he wants to get back to his crossword puzzle. If he has to pound some fake tea before that happens, so be it.
“Oh yeah!” Claire cheers, clapping her hands. She then clasps them behind her back and bounces excitedly on the balls of her feet. “There’s something I forgot to tell you.”
Five raises an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”
“This isn’t just a tea party,” she replies, snatching her sparkly wand off the table. “It’s a tea party for princesses.”
Five blinks at her. “Look kid, you’re cute, but I’m not putting on a princess gown.”
For some reason, that makes Claire cackle with glee. “No, silly. You’re too big to fit into my dresses!”
Five doesn’t bother pointing out that a few months ago he probably could have.
“Okay, no dresses,” Five reiterates. “Care to explain what all that entails, then?”
“I just gotta do a little magic with my wand--” she waves the wand around for emphasis, the tassel trailing wildly behind it. “--and you’ll be a princess like the rest of us!”
Five shifts his gaze to the other occupants at the table, which consists of a green build-a-bear dragon, a creepy-looking doll that’s probably possessed, and a barbie with an arm missing.
He shrugs and picks up his teacup. “Just don’t go turning me into a toy, all right?”
Claire giggles and steps closer. “That’s impossible, Uncle Five.” The smile falls from her lips and is replaced with a look of serious concentration. She gently touches the wand to Five’s temple and holds his gaze with a strange kind of intensity. “I now declare you a Disney Princess!” she says with fervor.
A shiver suddenly wracks Five’s body, coming from nowhere. He quickly brushes it off, thinking there must be a small draft in the room.
“Woah, a Disney Princess, huh? How extravagant,” Five comments. He sends her a wink as he pretends to sip his tea, oblivious to the purple glow that quickly illuminates his eyes and fades just as fast.