Work Text:
How was he supposed to explain this? Charlie didn't even understand it. He had never been interested in men, so why was he feeling this way. Men Aren't supposed to feel like this. The crazy thing is Charlie loves girls. Their shape, their aesthetics, and their beauty. The crazier thing is he doesn't feel this way about men. He was good for a joke, or even kissing on a dare, but there was no interest behind it. So how could he feel like this?
"Hey! Earth to Charlie!" Cameron's high strung voice rang out, as the hand in front of his face broke the trance. Charlie cleared his throat and reposition himself in his chair. What do you want Cameron?" He asked with annoyance to match Cameron's.
"For You to turn off your light so I can sleep." Instead of waiting any longer Cameron just reached over to click the lights off. Charlie sighed.
What if he told Cameron? They aren't close it's almost like telling it to a stranger. Though the biggest appeal of talking to a stranger is lacking. The never seeing them again. He not only sees Cameron everyday but so do all of his friends. They were friends right? Technically. By association. Maybe they would be closer if he wasn't such a weasel. He would tell everybody everything that Charlie could barely fathom to tell in the first place. Then again he could always deny everything if squealed anyway. Yeah. If he told Cameron, all he would have to do is say that the rat was a liar.
"Hey Cam." He spoke to the quiet room.
"What Charlie?" Cameron groaned expecting some kind of snark or lame remark about how early it was. Charlie felt like he was suffocating, his lungs were on fire as he held his breath willing the words to come out so he could breath again.
"Nothing." There was no way he could tell him. Tell anyone it was too big. Clearly bigger then little ol' Cameron, who had already rolled over grumbling his displeasure with Charlie as we settled back into sleep.
_
New day, no sleep, but Charlie was bounding down the hallway to the dorms as usual on Wednesday. There were less classes on Wednesday and Friday, making the Poet's meetings earlier and the day seem longer. First mission of the day was to change, he made his way into his room to change into something a little less Welton. Opening the door reveiled a waiting Mr. Meeks and Mr. Pitts. The taller boy was layed out on Cameron's bed, who would have a fit if he saw the shoes on his bed, and Meeks was leaning on the radiator.
"How can I help you boys?" Charlie asked walking to his dresser and grabbing clothes to change. Though the uniform wasn't uncomfortable, it wasn't his style. Though now a days nothing really felt his style anyway. That being said he was still in a hurry to get into his own clothes, so he made quick work of changing.
"Not a here for a show, Jesus, Charlie." Meeks laughed looking towards the floor, the modest.
"What's the big deal, we're all men here." Pitts said with a chuckle as he watched the discomfort on Meeks face. Charlie is kind of glad he was busy teasing Meeks because he didn't see him freeze. For whatever reason that one made him pause, and oddly self conscious. Charlie buttoned his shirt back to halfway and settled on changing later.
"So what can I do you for?" Charlie asked leaning against his desk, clothes bending the papers that had been resting on it. Meeks looked up and blinked for a moment before he remembered his original purpose for being in the room.
"Oh we were wondering if you were still on probation from the whole 'Girls at Welton' Scandle." Meeks finally explained, that probably meant they wanted to go into town but were to scared to ask for permission. Both boys were brave in there own ways, and pretty well liked by staff, but it never failed they couldn't build up the nerve to ask to leave campus.
"Just got off a week ago, why?" Charlie smirked as he crossed his arms looking at the two squirrely friends. The two kept looking at each other and then him and then just about any and all other surface in the room. "Where are you wanting to go?" He asked putting them out of their misery.
"The little shop about a mile off of campus." Pitts said as if it changed any level of ass kissing he would have to do to get the pass for all three of them.
"I don't know we would have to after the meeting, so we would miss dinner." Charlie smiled watching his friends anxious faces turn to annoyance.
"What do you want Charlie?" Meeks asked unimpressed as Pitts rolled his eyes his whole body following the movement as he laid back on Cameron's bed again.
-
Once again studying has turned into goofing off and listening to Knox swoon over Chris. Charlie was chucking pencils at Neil who proceeded to chuck them back in a slight game of cat and mouse. It was becoming sort of impressive how discrete they had managed to be thus far. Nobody had yelled at them to stop or been hit other than each other, but as this game always ends, one of them gets over zealous and chucks the pencil to hard. This time, most times if he's honest, Charlie through the pencil and it struck Knox. Said young man stopped mid sentence to look at his friend in annoyance, though if he had a tendency to go from 1 to 100 in about five seconds flat so if Charlie didn't play his cards right this would end in some kind of argument.
"Screw off Charlie." Knox complained.
"Come on, don't be like that." At least he only seemed deflated in leu of angry. Last thing he wanted was to deal with some useless fight with his friend.
"If you don't like me talking about Chris why don't you go sit somewhere else." Knox suggested, but Charlie hadn't even been listening to him in the first place.
"I don't care about you and Chris." The defiance in his voice was probably what did him in. As soon as the words left his mouth he knew that they both were in for an awkward breakfast tomorrow.
"Oh please, every time I bring her up you have something to say about it, or in this case do about it." Knox chucked the pencil back, granted it wasn't a lot of force but it still ticked Charlie off. Knox was always talking about Chris, it was nonstop and he always listened to him so this isn't even a fair accusation.
"I didn't even mean to hit you Knox." Pulling out the first name, good, show him your serious and don't tick him off even more with his nicknames.
"Yeah, me and Charlie have been at war for almost 15 minutes now." Neil added helpfully. Knox looked at him and then back to Charlie, he could see that this was a losing fight, but by the look on his face Knox's face he was going to die on this hill.
"So it was just a coincidence that he hit me when I was my date with Chris." Knox asked it as if they were all stupid, this was really starting to piss Charlie off.
"Yeah, your date with Chris isn't my top priority when I could be assalting Neil with pencils." Charlie's words came out clipped and everybody at the table was now tense. The few that were hiding there smiles, were now openly worried.
Knox got mad all the time, not in a way to be worried he would fight somebody, just kind of snippy. He was just a very passionate guy so he would get defensive and argue his side till the day that he couldn't anymore. That being said Charlie hardly ever got actually mad, sure he got annoyed, but usually it was dealt with by some extra sarcasm or slight teasing of his friends. Charlie hardly ever argued, and when he did, it would usually end badly.
"Oh I get it," Money on the fact you don't, "Your jealous." Knox accused now with a dumb smirk on his face. If it were pointed at anyone else for any other reason, Charlie would have found it funny, right now it was only making him more irritated.
"Of what, your stupid date with Chris? Please, it's not like your going to do anything worth while you pansy." This was good, maybe with some teasing Jabs they could dial it back a little bit. Judging on Knox's smirk falling he was wrong.
"I dunno Charlie are you sure your not jealous of her?" Smirk was back, this time it just set a really uneasy feeling in his stomach. That was a little to close to home given what's been keeping Charlie up at night. He didn't like guys though, or at least he didn't think he did, but here Knox is saying he does so maybe its completely obvious and that's been what's wrong with Charlie this whole time. What if he did hear Knox subconsciously and that's why he hit him, or some other weird shit like that. That's possible right.
After a few more seconds of angered staring and an increasingly scared Knox, Charlie stood up quickly, knocking the chair and desk, and left to avoid decking Knox in his stupid face. Yeah, Knox did have a stupid face, nothing that he could be attracted to on account of how dumb it was.
-
It had been a couple days since the incident and Charlie was avoiding Knox like the plague. A couple of the poets had asked him if he was jealous, which he wasn't. He just didn't want to see Knox right now he was so mad at him for putting him in this spot, before he could at least pretend he wasn't in this weird crisis, now it's all he can think about.
With all of that, Charlie was sitting and sitting on Todd's bed while Todd did his homework. Neil was off doing Neil things, so it was just the two of them. It's kind of odd how well it's gone so far. The two of them are very different but the both can get along in silence even if Charlie will ask a question some times just for Todd to answer and go back to comfortable silence. Charlie thinks the reason they work good is because Todd can quietly enjoy his antics without expecting Charlie to be The Charlie Dolton all of the time. So the two can easily sit together and enjoy each others company. That being said. Charlie has to talk sometimes.
"So are you going to read at the next meeting?" Charlie asked, knowing that he could possibly draw this out into a conversation.
"No, I don't think so." Todd says keeping his eyes on his paper.
"Why not? Your one of the gang, we'll listen." Charlie knew Todd wouldn't read but he still wanted to encourage his friend. It's refreshing how quickly the little mouse ended up in their group.
"I just don't like being in front of people." Todd shrugged, the thought alone making his voice kind of shaky.
"Well what's your favorite poem?" Charlie asked finally getting Todd to look at him, making Charlie smile at him nicely, because despite what people think Charlie is in fact nice.
"Uh, I don't really know I never thought about it." Yes he has, the bashful look on his face tells it all.
"Come on every bodies got a favorite, right off the top of your head what is it." Charlie asked sitting up more.
"I, I don't know the name," This kid was never gonna crack, "But I know the poet." Todd spoke and Charlie lit up, excited to hear it.
"Well who is it then." Charlie asked leaning in a bit closer leaning on his one leg for support.
"Do. Do you know who Frank O'Hara is?" Todd asked and Charlie tried to think back to class but he doesn't remember hearing about him.
"No I don't what has he written?" Maybe he could find out and read it for Todd at the next meeting. As soon as Charlie asked though Todd seemed to retreat not really answering just stuttering noises.
"He, he, he mainly makes love. No! Makes love poems. Writes love poems." As Todd fumbles his words Charlie tries to not laugh but his smile is evident. How could he not find this funny Todd is bright red from trying to describe poetry.
"Love poems are good, do you have one of his books?" Todd quickly shakes his head.
"No, Mr. Keating let me barrow his once. He said that he thought I would enjoy it." Todd is glancing between him and the paper like he's nervous.
"Well then I'll borrow it from Keating and read it at the next meeting for you." Charlie says matter of factly.
"What? No." Todd says quickly, nerves slowly looking more like fear.
"Why not?" Charlie asks, hopefully in a soft way.
"There's just, it's, there's some poems I don't think the others would like in there." Todd says in attempt to deter Charlie's plan.
"Well like what I can skip those ones." Charlie explains moving to the edge of the bed to be closer to his very destressed Todd. The nervous boy looks at Charlie before looking down as if trying to figure something out.
"Charlie I'm..." The sentence started strong but stopped just as quick as it started. The two sat in silence for a long time, Charlie knew better then to push Todd into talking.
"I won't read it if you don't want me to Todd." Charlie sighed moving again to lean his back on the wall, waiting for the silence to fall around them again.
"It's just one poem." Todd says slowly, catching him off guard for the second time today. Charlie didn't dare speak. "It's called Homosexuality." Oh. It was quiet for longer then Todd probably would have liked, but Charlie couldn't find his words. Of course he didn't care if his friend liked guys. It's not like it makes Todd a different person or anything, he just doesn't like girls and that's fine.
"Okay Todd, I won't read that one." Charlie nods and Todd still looks scared but his shoulders deflated a little. "For what it's worth, I don't mind that you like...that poem." Todd smiled and let out a breath trying to will himself to breath normal while hiding that he can't breath from Charlie. The two fall back to silence after a while, before long it's curfew and Charlie has to leave, before he can walk out of the door Todd stands and stops him. Todd pulls out a book from one of his desk drawers giving it to Charlie. Charlie doesn't have to read the name to know what it is.
-
After everything in the last few weeks Charlie could not be happier that classes were cancelled today. Some first year had decided to pull some half baked prank on the other side of the school and managed to practically destroy the chem class. So Charlie was happily laying in bed reading through the little he had left of the book Todd gave him. He managed to kill two birds with one stone after reading a couple poems from it at the last meeting. It made Todd happy, and Knox seemed to enjoy the change in attitude towards that sappy love crap, even if Charlies opinion never really changed at all. So now Charlie lays relaxed for the first time in almost two weeks basking in the universe decision to give him a break.
Finally in the last couple pages Charlies luck ran out because he had reached the poem that Todd had been so worried about. He thought about skipping it, but decided that maybe it would give him a better understanding of his friend. Not to mention it might put an end to this crisis he has been having for the last few weeks. As he finished the poem he just sat there stairing at the words. He doesn't know what he expected but he was expecting to to be a little less vague, considering the name already told you what it was about. This was all so stupid, he has his answer now. He likes the poem, he connects to it, so why does this still feel like a lie. Why does this still not feel right to him. Maybe this is all some kind of joke, like god decided that it would be really funny to punish Charlie for something he doesn't even understand yet.
"Charlie?" He looks towards the door, he hadn't heard the knock or the annoying creek his door made, but their stood Neil, leaning in the doorway. "Sorry I knocked but..." Charlie knows that he should speak and try to say something witty, but he also knows that it's to late to distract Neil from the fact he's upset. They had known each other for years and this is one of the only downsides. "What's wrong?" He asks casually as he walks inside shutting the door.
"I..." What was he supposed to know, he doesn't even know what wrong, he feels like he's been caught red handed because Neil just came in his room and he feels like he's going to break if he tries to explain himself.
"Charlie, seriously what's wrong?" The casual tone is gone and now it's more firm and laced with concern.
"I don't know." Charlie huffs waterly as he wishes he had more to say then that. It feels so lame and he can't stand it. This is his best friend and he can't even talk to him.
"Don't tell me you already miss Chem class." Neil jokes and it does manage to make Charlie laugh. Neil was always good about making people feel better, so was Charlie but in much different ways.
"You know me, can't get enough of that chemical smell in the morning." Charlie jokes back but his stuffed up nose makes him sound sick. Maybe he was.
"You know you can talk to me right. That I'm not going to freak out or anything." Neil says, the like your parents not needing to be attached. That's the biggest problem with Hellton, half the kids are seriously messed up and can't do anything because their parents wont listen. Neil is a prime example.
"I know, I just...I don't know what's wrong with me." It comes out on something you could call a laugh if you were desperate, which Charlie is it's a laugh.
"Well for starters you could tell me what's upsetting you." Neil spoke in somewhat of a joke, everybody knows it's more complicated then that, but it somehow works.
"I don't know why I have been feeling this way, and I don't know who to talk to about it because I was going to talk to Cameron but I was scared the little fink would tell everyone, and I don't even know what's wrong with me yet. Then Pitts was talking about how being guys makes changing your clothes normal or something and that made me feel like shit. Everything with Knox happened and it all got worse, and Todd gave me this book with this poem about being gay and I wasn't supposed to tell you that because it's Todd's secret not mine, but I don't even know what my secret is because I really liked the poem but I don't like guys that way." By the end of Charlies nonsensical rant he was somewhere between crying and gasping. Neil sat awestruck of his friend. He didn't understand all of the references but he think he understood the gist of what was upsetting him.
"If it makes you feel any better I already knew about Todd." Okay yeah that made him laugh but now it more sounded like a sob, which sucked because he hates crying. "Charlie there is nothing wrong with you." Neil said quietly as he sits down next to Charlies knees.
"How? I'm like broken or something." Charlie sounds so defeated.
"I can assure you, you're not broken." Neil says quietly and Charlie shuts his eyes hard to stop the tears from his eyes. He doesn't need to cry anymore, a little is enough.
"Then what is this? I don't feel normal, I don't even feel abnormal." Charlie laughs and Neil laughs too.
"Charlie just because your not 'normal' doesn't mean that you have to like men." Neil says and he hates how hopeful he must look for that sympathetic smile to cross Neil's face.
"I don't?" He asks and Neil shakes he head.
"Nope, you can like girls, or girls and guys. You can like and be all kinds of things." Charlie sniffs and wipes his eyes hating how childish he feels.
"So what is it?" Charlie watches Neil look off to think.
"I don't know how do you feel?" That's question of the year.
"I don't know."
"Yes you do, come on, how do you feel?" Charlie bites his lip watching Neil while he tries to think.
"I feel like I like girls, but I don't understand how I could feel what I feel if I like girls." Charlie says slowly as if that would make his words make sense.
"Well why couldn't you like girls?" Neil eggs on hoping Charlie will get the hint that he needs to be less vague.
"I don't....I don't feel like I am supposed to be a man." Hearing it our loud is odd compared to how it felt in his head. It was relieving and also so defeating.
"Have you ever heard of a woman called Christine Jorgensen?" This doesn't really feel like a good time for trivia but Charlie will bite.
"No who was she?" He asked swiping at his stuffed up nose.
"She's an author actually, she writing a book actually all about how she was one of the first to have sex reassignment surgery." Charlie felt like the whole room stopped moving.
"What?"
"She was born a man Charlie, now she is a woman. Technically she was always a woman, but now it's legally binding." He chuckled and Charlie felt his eyes well up again.
"So is that what's wrong with me? I'm actually a woman?" Charlie kind of laughed at the sound of it.
"I don't know, do you feel like a woman?" He asked and Charlie wasn't going to cry again, he refuses. He shook his head not trusting his voice to break the little control he had on his emotional responses. Neil brought his hand up so it was on Charlies knee that had been bent up towards his torso. "That's okay, because no matter what sex you are, your still my best friend. Hell your practically my brother...or sister...or sibling." The two of them laughed and a couple tears managed to escape Charlies eyes. "Your you, and that's okay." They sat in silence, Neil now just comfortingly holding Charlies hand. "You know I heard of this thing called gender non-specific pronouns from the theater. It was used a lot in theatrical work and literary text so that the audience can decide for themselves the characters sex. Do you think that's something you would want to try?" Charlie considered the idea for a minute.
"Yeah, yeah I think I would."