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Rin was in a sour mood.
Sour was an understatement; she wanted to get a new name, new identity, cut her hair, redo her face and start a whole new life where nobody knew her. It sounded extremely tempting and realistic enough. Kitay said she was being dramatic. Rin thought she was under reacting.
She kept pacing the hallways of the Chen Residence, the setting sun casting long shadows in the columns and washing the rest orange. The sun had been a welcoming sight after three long days of storms that passed through Nikan, but it did nothing to improve Rin's mood.
Back and forth, back and forth, startle at the movement outside, pause, then resume. Back and forth, back and forth, pause to peek outside. Back and forth, back and forth. Kitay, who was sitting on the floor, called her without looking up from his book.
"Can you cut it out? I'm sure there's no more letters coming in today."
"You're sure? What if there's a late delivery, what if he sent it at the last minute, what if—"
"Rin."
She stopped pacing, banged her forehead against the wall and swore. "Fuck!"
Kitay's sigh could've sunken the whole place down. "Rin, come here."
Rubbing her forehead, she slumped down next to him; scooted closer and buried her face in the crook of his neck. Kitay closed his book and pulled her close, and she felt and heard him stifle back a laugh.
"Don't you fucking dare."
"I'm not laughing, I'm not laughing."
"I want to die."
"Don't die in my arms. I don't want to get framed."
This summer had been one of the best she ever had in her life; she always spent the summer holidays with Kitay now, and this was the last one before they both graduated from Sinegard. She always looked forward to this, the one where they enjoyed being children and not soldiers of the country, no burden of school work. Rin had no desire to get back to Tikany or to see her aunt, although the thought of Kesegi sent a twinge through her heart that she tried to ignore.
One thing was different from the previous summers though.
"I'll see you soon," Nezha had said, kissing her cheek goodbye at the start of summer. He really seemed to like kissing her on the cheeks; he did that often. Not that Rin minded. "Promise."
Nezha had to get back to Arlong to his family, but said he could squeeze time in to visit Kitay's home. And her.
They were… what? Lovers? The thought made her want to cleave her insides out. But she did like spending time with him. She liked being with him. She liked kissing him. She liked how they fit together when they embraced, her head fitting neatly underneath his chin and the feeling as if they were alone together in this world. She liked how happy he made her. She liked how much it terrified her.
Frankly, she wanted to die at the thought of all this. But also never wanted to let him go.
Maybe, she thought, maybe some distance would help. Maybe whatever emotions churning in her stomach would settle down to whatever normal level it was supposed to be. Maybe she would stop feeling so fucking pathetically hopeless. Maybe.
And she thought she was doing great; Rin didn't feel particularly anything weird during the first few weeks. She thought of Nezha, sure, but didn't really bother herself over the distance much. He had said he would come. She would see him soon.
Till she received a letter that made her stomach flip in a way she wished she could physically burn it away..
I’m going to be away in the coastlines, Nezha had written to her in his letter. Father wants to check the borders and I need to go with him. I don't know how long it'll take, only that it's not going to be a short journey. I will see you before the summer ends though, I will visit. I promise.
It had been three weeks since she’d heard from him after that.
Not that it wasn’t boring at the Chen residence. She was having the time of her life with Kitay, inhaling expensive exuberant food every dinner, splashing over creeks in lazy afternoons, sneaking sorghum wine at the cellar, peeking at the market places to see what items were displayed. He bought her some of them often and she kept all the gifts arranged on the top of her drawer, made sure none of them got dust, and rearranged them whenever he got her a new one. From the urinating statue to the small figurines in Nikara clothing and a phoenix.
But at night, when she settled down in her bed in one of the many rooms in Kitay’s home and stared out at the starry sky through the window, she found herself missing him so much more than she thought possible.
Rin could kid herself during the days, busying herself with spending time with Kitay. But at night, she had no escape from her feelings, forced to face them in the dark.
One night, out of nowhere, after staring at the bright moon for a moment too long, she had jumped out of her bed, lit the candles and furiously wrote a letter; telling him about the things she and Kitay did that day, reminiscing their Sinegard days, and anything else that came to her mind.
Fuck you, she had written. Fuck you for making me miss you but I do. I miss you so much. I miss us sneaking out at night to watch the stars. I miss having lunch with you. I miss sparring with you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I miss you so much it hurts. Come back to me.
The moment she had sealed and sent the letter, she regretted it. She thought about chasing after the letter. Maybe half a day was a reasonable enough time to chase the delivery and snatch it back. She was actually on the verge of leaving when Kitay had caught her on the door.
“I don’t think you can outrun and steal the letter, Rin.”
“This is the worst mistake of my life, what the fuck was I thinking, Kitay?” She pulled at her hair in frustration. “I have to get that shit back, I have to, I can't let him read that—"
"What did you write?"
"Nothing."
Kitay gave her an exasperated look.
"Maybe I wrote that I missed him," she said, scowling.
"Well, that isn't so bad, is it?"
"It's bad, Kitay. It's very, very bad."
Rin was never writing ever again. God knows what her traitorous hand would write. If she thought about the words she had written for one more second, she was going to lose her mind. Maybe if she slammed her head against the wall hard enough, she would get memory loss. Kitay had grabbed her back before she could try.
Whatever demon that possessed her, she was going to commit a murder.
The most humiliating thing wasn't that she wrote and sent that letter.
No, the most humiliating thing was that that bastard fucking ignored it.
Two weeks have passed during which would've been ample enough for him to get the letter, read and send a reply. Rin had anxiously spent the last few days pacing in hallways, jumping whenever delivery of mails or messengers came yet none of them bore the Yin seal.
Now, almost three weeks have passed and Rin was determined to dig a grave and bury herself. Or find a cave to crawl into and die. Or flee the country. All options seemed reasonable enough.
"Kill me," she now muttered into Kitay's chest as he held her. "Murder me. You'd be doing me a favor. A huge one."
"I really don't want to murder my best friend."
"You'd rather I go kill myself then?"
"Rin, come on. You know you like him, he knows you like him, you know he's head over heels for you, you two haven't been able to keep your hands off each other for the past months, unfortunately for me. What's wrong with sending him a letter saying that you miss him?"
"Because!" Rin snapped. But she didn't continue. Instead she glared up at Kitay who was smirking. "Shut the fuck up."
“No, this is too funny. You’re actually feeling insecure.”
“I’m going to kill you.”
Kitay patted her on the shoulder. “You would never.”
The large Chen Residence felt cold and lonely; Rin's footsteps echoed loudly through the hollow halls as she headed toward the library, looking for something to occupy her. She had lunch alone, skipped around the hallways, rearranged her whole room, tore through and double checked every letter that arrived for the past three weeks again and yet there was still some time left before Kitay came home. He had to go with the rest of his family for Warlord business, which Rin knew she had no place for.
Moments like these, she still felt out of place in the world she knew she earned; hell, she did more than earn it. She had snatched the top spots in the most prestigious military academy in the country and was about to be part of the Cike. She would become one of the best soldiers Nikan has ever had. And she had a god on her side.
But she still couldn't erase her origin, and it bailed her out; impenetrable glass that forced her apart from others.
Rin entered the library and gave a large sigh as she gazed at the stack of books on shelves. Sunlight peeked through the windows, illuminating the room and indicating the lovely weather outside.
It was now a little over three weeks. Rin was contemplating throwing herself out the window.
She picked up a random book on a shelf and opened the first page. Several minutes had passed before Rin realized she had been reading the first sentence over and over again. Throwing the book aside, she looked at the spines more closely and picked one of her favorite novels.
30 minutes passed and she was still stuck on page 2.
Rin groaned and buried her face between the pages.
Why fucking lie to herself? She did miss him. She did mean every word she had written on the fucking goddamn letter. Despite his arrogant, conceited, selfish presence being a fucking pain in the ass of her life, he had somehow managed to sneak his way into her life and now seemed determined to stay.
Why the fuck was he ignoring her, then?
Several footsteps echoed a floor below and Rin perked up. Was Kitay finally home?
"Been a while since I've been here."
"Years, really.”
"Haven't changed a bit, though."
Rin froze. She knew that voice.
Steps echoed through the empty hall and reached her ears. She knew those steps.
“Where’s Rin?”
Rin was moving before she knew it. Her book gave a loud thump as she dropped it, but she wasn't there to hear it as she had already jumped from her chair and tore through the shelves, into the empty hallway and down the stairs in a heartbeat, running and stopping only when she went around the corner and saw him.
“Hi!” He had the fucking audacity to beam. He fucking beamed.
Rin was frozen in her feet. There he was, standing all so casually in the entrance of Chen Residence, Kitay behind him, as if it was natural, as if this was planned, as if she hadn’t written him a fucking letter pouring her heart out that she missed him and he had ignored it. As if he had the fucking right to be fucking beaming.
Her legs moved before she thought. She couldn't think, couldn't move her eyes away from him, standing there, materialized out of nowhere. She approached him, her legs walked up to him, she went up to his beaming face, threw her right arm back and punched him.
“What the fuck—”
“You have no right to come here,” she hissed, raising her voice over Kitay's laugh. “No fucking right. Fuck you, fuck this, fuck off!"
"Rin—"
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" she yelled. She felt the back of her eyes burn and blinked, astonished with herself. Not trusting herself to speak any further, she turned to walk away.
A hand grabbed her arm back. "Rin, listen—"
"You have no fucking right to grab me," she snapped. Nezha didn't let go, merely tightened his grip and forced her to face him, speaking rapidly.
"I wanted to come right after I got your letter but I had to go through Arlong first, and there I got caught up with my mother and then there was the summer storm so I got tied back down again. I wanted to see you, I really did."
"And you couldn't write one fucking letter to let me know?"
He turned his head away, looking slightly off. "I wanted to surprise you. Guess I ruined it by taking too long."
"Yes. You did."
Rin wanted nothing more than to run into his arms but she was too furious to let herself. So instead, she viciously shook his hand off, turned and stormed away.
"Rin!"
She heard Kitay saying something and Nezha muttering a response and then his footsteps behind. She felt him follow her all the way down the hall and outside. She would shake him off, but she knew he ran faster than her; outrunning him was out of the option so ignoring him was it.
“Rin, I’m sorry.”
Nezha quickly outpaced her and now swiftly stood in front of her, blocking her way. Not looking up, Rin tried to sidestep but his arm shot out.
“Would it make you feel better if you punched me again?”
That perked her up. She frowned. “Maybe.”
He fucking had the audacity to let out a laugh. Rin’s glare deepened, but she also couldn’t stop a twitch of a smile threatening the corners of her lips. She knew Nezha caught it.
“You’ve missed me, hmm?”
Rin scowled. “Shut up. I didn’t write that.”
“Of course you didn't. That's why it was in your handwriting."
“Fuck off!” She was actually surprised to feel her throat close up a bit, and swallowed hard.
“Rin…” His arms cautiously, loosely came around her. She wanted to shake them off but also bury her face in his chest. “Come on, you’re not actually mad at me now, right?”
She hesitated a fraction more, then said: “I’m always mad at you, asshole.”
She knew Nezha caught on the humor, the joke, the playoff and the underlying steel of her words. Of course he did. His eyes flickered and then suddenly, he abruptly pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her and holding her so tight for a moment she could barely breathe. She stiffened slightly, surprised, but her body almost immediately melted against her will with his proximity. Push him off, her mind screamed. As if hearing her thoughts, Nezha's grip around her tightened. He didn't need to; her body had no intention of pushing away.
“I’m sorry.” His voice muffled against her hair.
“Don’t ever do that to me again,” she said, this time with no steel.
She felt him shake out a laugh and let his hands direct her face up, so that she was looking up at him. She unconsciously leaned into his palm on her cheek. He was the same as ever, lashes long and smooth skin, the beautiful features imprinted in her mind materialized in front of her. His hair had gotten longer though, and she wanted to push away the strands that fell forward on his face.
“Can I at least kiss you?” he said teasingly with a smirk she found both annoying and endearing. “Or am I not allowed to?”
“I hate you so much. So fucking much. Do you know that?”
“I’m painfully aware. My nose is still throbbing.”
“Fuck you,” she said before she leaned forward on the tips of her toes and kissed him.
He kissed her back tenderly, gently, and Rin’s head spun. She felt her arms rising to wrap themselves around his neck and pull him close. Nezha hummed in appreciation and kissed her harder, crushing her body against him. Her head thrilled at the reminder of how perfectly they fitted together, how nothing had changed. His mouth left hers to leave a trail of kisses down her chin and she let out a content sigh.
Falling back on her heels, she pressed her cheek against his chest as he rested his chin on top of her head. His left hand was on her back pulling her to him and the other stroked back her hair.
"If you do that shit again, I'm going to kill you."
"Duly noted."
She sighed. "I missed you."
He kissed the top of her head. "I missed you, too."