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Chloe smiled to herself as she watched Lucifer through the lab window. A couple of months had passed since her official retirement, but after Ella realised they'd never had any kind of real goodbye party, she soon convinced their colleagues at the precinct to insist they come in for one last day. As usual, her partner/boyfriend/possible fiancé —she wasn't sure where they stood on that one quite yet —had immediately gone completely overboard. A truck from their favourite burger joint sat outside, boxes upon boxes of donuts from the best bakery in the city were piled by the coffee machine… Both of which ended up being just another load of sugar and carbs on top of the mountain of lemon bars and huge bowls of cool ranch puffs that already littered every desk, courtesy of a certain forensic scientist.
After a couple of hours though, all the attention had gotten a little too much for her, and so she'd retreated to the lab for a breather. Lucifer, however, was completely in his element, reveling at being the focus of the room as always. His natural magnetism never failed to draw people in, and he made his way around the bullpen with ease, spending just enough time with each person to make them feel valued. Because they were, to him, just as he was to them. It was days like these that proved it. They would both be missed here, but she doubted that he had ever realised before today that his absence would be felt just as much as hers would, if not more.
Of course, he wasn't the only one leaving behind a legacy here. Her gaze drifted to the desk where Dan used to sit, empty now of his personal belongings, but still covered in tributes like flowers and pudding. She might have gotten over the bulk of her guilt over his death, and it was true that he was safely up in Heaven now, but his loss remained a wound in her heart that she wasn't sure would ever heal. It sat next to the loss of her father, and the weight of it all was sometimes too much to bear, despite knowing she would see them both again one day.
But whenever that happened, whenever it all became too overwhelming for her to deal with, Lucifer was there. He was always there, regardless of the pressures on their relationship that came with his new job. Which was how she liked to think of it still, just a new job. Referring to him as God felt a little too much like worship to her, and it was way too much fuel to his ego for him. The endless jokes about worship in the bedroom were enough, thank you very much.
He always put her first though. One prayer, and he was there in an instant, whether it was just to hold her in his arms until she fell into a dreamless sleep, or to play a game with Trixie on those evenings when they both needed distracting from their shared sadness. She couldn't have asked for a more supportive partner. It was such a relief to feel so secure in their relationship now, especially after everything they'd been through together since his return from Hell. She loved him, and he loved her in return, it was as simple as that.
And god, did she love him.
As though he could sense her eyes on him, Lucifer turned his head towards her and smiled. A soft smile that quickly turned into a smirk, matching the mischievous twinkle in his eyes perfectly. And that's when she realised she'd done it again. He couldn't hear her thoughts—and thank you-know-who for that—but anything preceded by the word 'god', especially from her, always caught his attention. Sometimes, she used it to her advantage, sending the dirtiest thoughts she could imagine his way when he was supposed to be concentrating on something else entirely. It was one hell of a confidence boost, knowing she could get him to drop everything in order to get her to the bedroom as quickly as possible.
Which was quickly indeed, given that he could teleport now.
With a roll of her eyes and a shake of her head, she let him go back to his conversation. He laughed at whatever Cacuzza was saying, before offering her, and the rest of the group standing around them, another donut. Chloe was just about to clasp her hands together, with the intention of double checking they weren't the candy dandy rave version this time, when something else caught her attention entirely. As the box made its way to Ella, she declined, a sad look on her face as she edged herself away from the rest of the group. She watched her friend carefully as she looked around the room, obviously searching for someone. Suspecting it might be her, Chloe opened the laboratory door just wide enough to stick her head through and wave.
Upon seeing her, Ella smiled a little and made her way over, managing to slip inside without drawing much attention. "Bit too much out there for you, chica?" she asked as she entered, and Chloe nodded.
"This is more Lucifer's thing really" she said, glancing over at him once more, her partner having now moved on to charming the lieutenant. "I'll go back out there in a minute."
To her surprise, Ella's expression soured a little at the mention of Lucifer's name. "Is everything okay?" Chloe asked, feeling concerned at the lack of her friend's usual pep. The next thing she knew, Ella had thrown her arms around her.
"I'm sorry," Ella said over her shoulder, "I just heard Lucifer talking and… I'm just so sorry!"
Chloe frowned as her friend squeezed her even tighter. For the life of her, she couldn't think of what Ella might have overheard to cause this kind of reaction. Lucifer looked like he was having fun, not discussing something so life-altering that it would make Ella feel sorry for her for some reason. Perhaps she'd just interpreted whatever it was the wrong way? Ella did have a tendency to go overboard in certain situations, she was more than aware of that. Case in point, the retirement banners and balloons currently hanging from every possible corner of the station, and the potential for a stripper in a cake appearing at any moment. Not that Lucifer would complain about that one.
Her brain was so busy working in overdrive that it wasn't until Ella started to pull away that Chloe realised she hadn't actually hugged her back. "What did he say, Ella?" she asked, feeling the need to clear things up before the situation ended with Lucifer being hit with a shoe. Neither of them were sure if they should clue her in on Lucifer's true, and new identity yet, but while Ella's reaction was pretty hard to predict, Chloe really didn't want to add, "I attacked God with a shoe," to her list of things to freak out about.
"You know…" Ella said, her eyes wide, "that he doesn't want kids." She whispered the last part, as though if anyone were close enough to hear, they would be as horrified as she appeared to be.
Relief washed over Chloe in a wave. "Oh, that," she said with a small laugh. "I'm surprised you didn't know that already. He doesn't exactly hide it."
Ella looked nothing short of shell shocked. "You knew?! But he's so good with Trixie!" she blurted out, her voice rising several decibels at the same time. "You're always saying how good he is with Trixie!"
Chloe shrugged, having already come to the conclusion a long time ago, even before she met Lucifer, that there wasn't necessarily any correlation between the two. "He is. But that doesn't mean he likes kids in general. He's had a lot of time to get used to—"
"But it would be different if they were his kids," Ella interrupted suddenly, and she sounded so certain that Chloe had to do a double-take for a moment. Ella nodded, as if reassuring herself of this newfound fact. After a few seconds, she bumped her elbow against Chloe's in a friendly nudge. "Don't worry though," she said, completely resolute. "You'll talk him round." And with that, she seemed to have gotten over her previous melancholy in no time at all, having apparently talked herself into believing this was a problem that would be easily solved.
It was almost enough to make Chloe not want to say anything.
Almost.
"I'm not going to talk him round, Ella," she said softly. "I'm happy with his decision. Relieved, even. I've known Lucifer doesn't want children right from the start, and I…" She paused for a moment, hoping that the forensic scientist would catch her meaning. It was her job, after all, to connect the dots. But Ella continued to stare at her blankly, her silent message obviously not sinking in. Chloe exhaled, long and slow.
"And I don't want them either."
If a human face could blue-screen, that would be exactly what happened to Ella in the seconds that followed. Chloe was almost tempted to lean in, just to check there wasn't an error message flashing across her friend's irises. Then finally, after way too long for Chloe's liking, Ella blinked, her mind seemingly starting to reboot. Her mouth dropped open slightly, only to promptly close again as she clearly struggled with what to say. "But Trixie—" she eventually stammered out.
Chloe fought the urge to sigh again, tired of having her daughter be used as some sort of rationale for why what she was saying couldn't be true. Ella wasn't the first to do it, and she certainly wouldn't be the last. "I should say I don't want any more," she qualified, and part of her hoped that would be enough. Frankly, after so many years of this, she was tired of having to explain herself. Most of the time, those who knew her well enough didn't even bother to ask. It was mainly strangers who thought nothing of getting too personal with someone they didn't know, people who had no business knowing her business. Even her mother had stopped hinting about wanting more grand babies as Chloe got older. Whether that was because she gave up hope, or if she just came to understand, Chloe wasn't sure. Her mother, more than anyone, should know full well that sometimes, one child was all you needed.
But Ella… they'd never really talked about kids, outside of Linda's pregnancy, that is. Before Pierce, there was never really any reason to. Neither of them were dating anyone, and it wasn't exactly something Chloe was comfortable discussing with others. She didn't even broach the subject with Pierce, which perhaps wasn't all that surprising, given the length of their relationship, and how quickly it progressed. She barely had time to draw breath in between accepting his proposal and planning the wedding, never mind make time to sit down and have a serious conversation about their future.
And then there was the whole 'immortal crime boss thing' to take into consideration. She couldn't scrub that from the equation, as much as she would love to. It wasn't exactly a time in her life she liked to think about. Who knew if the world's oldest human turned mortal would have wanted kids? She certainly didn't, and even if they had taken the time to have that talk, she was fairly certain her decision would have remained the same.
She didn't really want to tell Ella any of this. And she didn't have to, either. Ella was her friend though, which was rare for her these days, and something she did want was for her to understand. She knew from past experience that it would go one of two ways. Most people said they understood, although there were those she suspected were secretly making their own assumptions as to why she felt that way. Others looked at her as though she'd suddenly grown two heads. Judging by Ella's reactions so far, she was anticipating the latter, but she tried to have faith in her, and in their friendship.
"Trixie means everything to me," she started, thinking of her brave little girl with a fond smile, "and I wouldn't change her for the world. But that doesn't mean I want another baby."
To her credit, Ella stayed silent this time, her expression a strange mix of curiosity and confusion. Chloe appreciated her willingness to listen. Not everyone was so gracious when it came to this particular subject. Sensing that this might take longer than she first thought, she turned away from both Ella and the window briefly and pulled up a stool. Ella followed suit, and after a short pause, Chloe continued.
"After Dan and I got married, having kids just seemed like the next step, y'know? Neither of us expected to get pregnant so quickly. Dan had only just made detective, and we weren't exactly in the best financial situation either. It felt like the right decision at the time though, and I don't regret it, not one bit. But Ella…"
She reached across and took her friend's hand. "Ella, it's hard. Harder than I ever could have imagined. Dan was constantly at work, my mom was always filming… I mean, when she was around it was great, and Dan's parents tried their best to help out too, but most of it fell on me. I loved being a mom, far more than I ever thought I would, and I still do. Trixie was worth every single second of every hard day, but when the time came for us to start thinking about another baby…"
"Dan wanted more kids?" Ella asked quietly, squeezing her hand as she did so. It was a much needed reminder that she was still there, still listening, and that she understood just how hard it was to talk about Dan right now. It was a reminder Chloe was grateful for. Sharing their struggles back then, it was difficult. She had so many fond memories of her monkey's early years, but there was a lot of stress and resentment there too. Which in turn made her feel guilty for not missing that time of her life, knowing that many of the mothers she knew would choose to relive it in an instant.
Once more her eyes were drawn to Dan's vacant desk as she gave a single nod. "He did. Part of coming from a large family, I suppose. I think both of us assumed we'd have at least a couple of kids. It wasn't until Trixie hit preschool that I really started to think about it. Most of the other couples we knew were starting to get pregnant again, and I knew it wouldn't be long until Dan brought it up."
She sighed as she pictured the day she told him it wasn't what she wanted, the memory as painful now as it was then. "He was devastated, at first. Tried all sorts of ways to talk me into it." Her mouth quirked a little as she thought of some of his more unsubtle attempts. The 'unexpected' visits by friends with a newborn, the sudden need to watch any TV show that featured babies of any kind, including animal documentaries, for some strange reason.
Baby pandas may be cute, but she didn't much feel like carrying one to term.
"In the end, we agreed to wait a while and see what happened. I know he was hoping I'd change my mind. And if it ever felt like the right time, maybe I would have," she said with a slight shrug. "But it never did. Things got easier as Trixie got older, but they were never simple. And it only got worse as I started to get closer to becoming a detective."
She felt Ella's hand stiffen a little in hers, and a pang of sadness hit her in response, though she tried not to show it. It was a typical reaction for many, almost instinctual in some ways. Society told women that they could 'have it all', but when that 'all' became unmanageable, as it so often did, then putting your career first made you a bad mother in that very same society. It didn't matter to those who judged her that her husband was forever skipping out on what was supposed to be their family time thanks to his own job. No, all they saw was her own failure when it came to juggling her work alongside the possibility of growing their family.
They never even considered that a big part of the reason she wanted to be a detective was for her family. LA wasn't exactly a cheap place to live, especially if you wanted good schools and a safe neighbourhood. Most of the time, they barely scraped by, and that was with her mom's help when they grew desperate. Adding another child into the mix would have pushed them over the edge. And Dan knew that too.
But Dan also lived in a world where he thought things would always work out in the end. At least back then, anyway. It was his optimism that got them through some of their darkest days.
It was also one of the things she missed most about him.
She let go of Ella's hand and stared out into the precinct again. Her fingers migrated to play with the bullet necklace hanging around her neck, as they so often did when she was thinking. There were so many reasons that had led to her making that choice so many years ago, and very few of them had changed. If anything, she had more now. There was her age to consider, and the complications that might come along with that. Then there was Trixie, who needed her more than ever now that her dad was gone. She knew exactly what her daughter was going through right now, and she had no intention of disrupting her life further in any way.
And, of course, there was the fact she was in a relationship with a man who not only didn't want children, but he also happened to have either the safest, or the most dangerous, job in existence. She hadn't quite decided where being God fell on that scale yet.
Her life was crazy at the best of times, and the last thing she wanted to do was add more craziness on top of that.
She could tell Ella all of that. She could explain her decision with all the detail of an investigation, covering the evidence, working through the motive. But in the end...
"The reasons don't matter. I could give you a list a mile long, and maybe they would justify it, maybe they wouldn't. But the simple truth is, I don't want another child. And that's okay."
She let the necklace fall back against her skin, and turned to look at her friend, who seemed deep in thought herself. Silence fell between them, and for a moment, Chloe started to worry that she'd broken her somehow. She knew Ella was heavily invested in their relationship—too invested, some might say—and she hated to be the one to shatter her 'Deckerstar dreams' yet again. But, she reminded herself, this was an issue for their family, and their family only. What anyone else thought was inconsequential, no matter how close their relationship might be.
"What if Lucifer changes his mind?" Ella finally asked, breaking the increasingly tense atmosphere.
Chloe bit her lip, doing her best not to laugh at the image of Lucifer suddenly deciding he wanted children. This was the man who only a couple of weeks ago had quite literally flown into her apartment, feathers askew as he started mumbling something about Deckerstar babies and demanding to know what her intentions were when it came to future offspring. It was a topic she'd never thought to address with him before, knowing that their opinions on the subject were pretty much in alignment.
Of course, she knew even then who had sent him into such a state, and the truth was that she'd meant to talk to Ella about it earlier; she just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Now that she thought about it, explaining why it wasn't a good idea to give God a panic attack probably should have been higher on her priority list.
When the urge to giggle dissipated, she smiled kindly at her friend. "If he changes his mind —and that's a big if —we'll talk about it like any couple would. But… this isn't only about Lucifer. It's about me, and what I want too. Just because he changes his mind, it doesn't necessarily mean I will as well."
The tiny spark of hope in Ella's eyes died a final death. "I just want you both to have your chance at a happy ending, you know?" she said defeatedly. "Deckerstar babies would have been so beautiful." She looked so deflated that Chloe couldn't help but slide down from her stool and wrap her arms around her.
"Ella, we are happy. I love Lucifer, and he loves me. And we both love Trixie. I don't need anything more than that, and I don't think Lucifer does, either."
She felt Ella nod against her neck. "I think I get that," she said. "It's taken so long for you guys to get here; I guess after all that time you'd know better than anyone what makes you happy, right?"
Chloe smiled as she replied, "Exactly." Ella might not be completely there yet, but she was trying to understand, and that was what was important. Marriage and babies as the culmination to loving someone was a fairy tale told to everyone from a young age; it was no wonder that anything outside that 'perfect' story could be hard for someone to wrap their head around. And her relationship with Lucifer… it wasn't perfect, or normal, by any stretch of the imagination. It never had been, and it never would be. But that was something she cherished as a good thing. Love took work, and sacrifice. And god knows, they'd both done enough of that over the years. Now was the time for them to move forward, and finally just enjoy being with each other as they sought ways to do even more good in the world.
It was then that an all too familiar voice came from behind. "Speaking of enjoying being with each other," Lucifer said as he popped his head around the door, "are you ready to go, darling?"
Ella withdrew, her brow creased as she looked over at him. "She didn't say —" But then she shook it off, her enthusiasm for her favourite ex-consultant having now returned with gusto. "You're leaving already?" she asked, groaning dramatically. "You'll come back to visit soon though, right?"
"Oh, I think you'll find I'm always around somewhere," Lucifer replied with a wink. "And you're welcome at the penthouse at any time, Miss Lopez. Just be sure to check we're on Earth first."
Chloe shot him a death glare before giving a choked laugh that even she knew was completely unconvincing. "Because we spend so much time on cloud nine these days, you see?" she joked, while at the same time thinking to herself that it was no wonder her acting career had never really taken off.
Lucifer merely grinned as Ella smirked at them both. "Cloud nine, sure, I getcha," she said, not so subtly thrusting her hips as she hopped down from the stool. She quickly embraced Chloe again before doing the same to Lucifer, who didn't even flinch at the contact, choosing to return the hug instead. Not for the first time, Chloe felt a rush of pride over how far he'd come. He always put it down to her, but she knew in truth that the Lucifer she knew had always been there, buried deep inside, just waiting to come out. It just so happened he waited a quite literal hell of a long time to do it.
Her partner held out his arm, and she accepted it gladly. Just before they left the lab though, he paused, and leaned down to press a soft kiss to her lips. "I love you," he whispered against her mouth, words that he said several times a day now, as though trying to make up for lost time. Which was just fine by her, because it was something she would never get tired of hearing.
And as they made their way out of the precinct, followed by cheers and shouts of how much they would be missed, she looked up at the man she loved and smiled.
She didn't need a chance at a happy ending.
She already had her happy ending right here.