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Ronan thinks the closest he’ll ever get to heaven is on his knees. He’s been there more times than he could possibly remember- perhaps, this is the purgatory of which he’s been so forebodingly warned. He got in trouble once, for asking, “Isn’t purgatory the same as hell?” Because who could sit, forever, and imagine with hope a God who’s waiting for them? Who could sit, forever, limbs locked in prayer, and imagine with hope a God who wants them?
He’s not reverent, but by God is he religious. He knows every hymn, he’s heard every homily, he’s repented for every sin and gone back and done it again. He could build an altar if only he had the pieces; he could dream an altar if he only had the guts.
Dreams. Dreams. God, how he dreams. In this in-between place he worships himself, the only god here is me. He worships his unholy gift of creation, the one he’s abused before he knew how to use it. Truly, what is more powerful than making something out of nothing? At the same time, though, it’s terrible. It’s atrocious. If he can do anything, if he can carve life out of the hollow of his very own soul, what is there to stop him from sinning? What is there to make sure he doesn’t cross the line, to make sure he doesn’t exalt himself to heaven? How long before he builds himself so tall his speech turns to babbles, and he falls terribly apart? If he’s a god, how long does he have before he’s cast down like every other statue?
Ronan's been praying so long he’s not sure when he started. There’s got to be some sort of irony in worshiping during the witching hour, a voice whispers wryly. He can taste the smirk that comes with it, and even with his eyes screwed shut he can see that fluttering Southern accent he hates, hates, hates.
Did you know that three is a holy number? The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Mary, Jesus, and Joseph. Heaven, hell, and that place in-between. Gansey, Ronan, and Adam.
Gansey, Ronan, Adam.
Gansey, Ronan, Adam.
Every time Ronan comes to pray, it kills him. It kills him quickly, at least, but it kills him nonetheless. Adam Parrish is a deadly, deadly man and the mere thought of his footsteps above Ronan’s head is enough to send him to hell. Parrish really is a higher being than him. He’s known it for a while now. At first it was the source of his disdain- this russet boy with nothing to his name and everything to hate- but as the...thing with Adam got bigger, as Ronan’s world became so much more than hazy, midnight screams, he knew that he didn’t- he doesn’t deserve a thing. He doesn’t deserve him.
Kavinsky. Kavinsky he could understand. Kavinsky he deserved- someone as horrendous and hideous and unholy as him. But Adam? Adam, who fought the universe with bloodied knuckles? Adam, who gave his life for the quest of someone else? Adam, who destroys everything he touches? How can a god survive that?
Entirely, Ronan is a sinner. He’s known it forever. His father was a sinner and his mother was the sin- how could he be anything else? He’s seen the devil with his own two eyes- what holy man can say that? He prays and prays and prays again, begging to be saved. They say in every mass that he’s forgiven, but he knows it isn’t true. His sins cling to him like a second skin, and no blood can wash them away. His soul so longs to be clean that every time he dreams it fights it’s way free; desperate holiness grasped only in between. Truly, Ronan is a sinner of the in-between. Destined for purgatory. Destined for hell.
Ronan’s still praying- Father forgive me, in Jesus’ name, amen. Father forgive me, in Jesus’ name, amen. Father forgive me, in Jesus’ name, amen. Father forgive me- It’s all he has left. He can’t say what he’s done wrong, but he knows it’s there. It’s always there. It’s there and heavy and he can’t get away; every time he tries, it’s the only thing he can taste. It’s crushing him, killing him, and the way his knees hurt from kneeling is the closest he’ll get to penance. No matter what he does, he knows it’s all for naught. He’s doomed. He’s going to hell, and he’s scared, so he prays. He prays, and prays, and prays again,
Amen, amen, amen.