Work Text:
SAVOIR FAIRE — Hey, you. What are you doing?
YOU — I’m at work. Working.
SAVOIR FAIRE — But what *is* this shit? Look at you, in your uniform and your sensible shoes. Your stupid old man haircut. Sitting at a *desk.* This isn’t cool. You’ve gotten *boring*.
ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY — Boring and *slow*. It’s hurting you, sobriety. You know what would really jazz up the old Harry machine? I’ll give you a hint: it comes in a teeny, tiny little pill.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT — On the contrary, the “machine” has been doing fine since quitting. In fact, your blood pressure has gone down. Your kidney function has increased. Your sleep patterns have also improved.
ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY — No, no, sobriety isn’t hurting you *physically*. It’s hurting *you*. Hurting who you *are*.
HALF LIGHT — You know what the problem is, Harry? You’ve started listening to *some* of us more than *others*. Not naming names, but what’s going on with you and Volition?
YOU — Pretty sure you just named a name.
INLAND EMPIRE — He’s right, though. Why do you like Volition so much?
VOLITION — Harry likes me because he likes Kim. Because we’re the same.
YOU — Kim and I are the same?
VOLITION — No, not Kim and you. Kim and *I*.
KIM KITSURAGI — At the desk across from yours, the lieutenant looks up from his blue notebook to see you studying him. He smiles.
VOLITION — Don't you understand, Harry? Kim and I are a couple of unrepentant spoilsports. You may not like it, but we know what’s good for you.
ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY — Fuck what’s good for you. Fuck Kim.
YOU — Okay, let me get this straight. Are you all saying you don’t *like* Kim?
ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY — On the contrary, some of us are *quite* interested in getting to know Kim better. When I told you to “fuck Kim,” I meant it.
INLAND EMPIRE — What we’re worried about is the blatant favoritism. When’s the last time we’ve had fun? When’s the last time we’ve had a chat with something other than a human?
VOLITION — If we want to win over Kim, talking to inanimate objects is doing us no favors.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Care to share, Harry?”
YOU — You jump in your seat. “Share what?”
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant swirls a teabag in a mug of hot water. “You’ve been staring into space for about fifteen minutes. If it’s related to the case, I feel like I should know. And if it’s not, I wouldn’t mind hearing about it anyway.”
YOU — “Okay.” You tap your pencil against the desk. “So, you’re pretty cool, right, Kim?”
KIM KITSURAGI — He chuckles. “So I’ve been told… by you.”
YOU — “And a cool guy like you would probably want to party with other cool guys, right?”
KIM KITSURAGI — He lifts an eyebrow. “Party?”
YOU — You dance your fingers across the desk. “You know, uh, ‘get down.’ ‘Disco.’ ‘Boogie.’”
RHETORIC — Oh, god. Why are you talking like this?
KIM KITSURAGI — He sips his scalding tea and winces, then sets the mug aside. “I’m not sure I know how to answer that question.” He pauses. “*Was* there a question?”
YOU — “Okay, so, like, we’ve established that you’re a cool guy. So, by that logic—"
LOGIC — Please don’t involve me in this.
YOU — “—you’d like me more if *I* were a cool guy.”
KIM KITSURAGI — He smiles. “Who says you’re not cool?”
YOU — “But I could be cooler, right? Like, let’s say I was more like you.”
KIM KITSURAGI — He blows on his tea. “What makes you think I would like that?”
YOU — “*Everyone* would prefer it if I were more like you.”
HAND-EYE COORDINATION — You try to gesture between Kim and yourself with your pencil, but your hand is damp with sweat and you lose your grip. The pencil flies through the air and lands on Judit’s desk with a clatter.
PENCIL — FREEDOM, SWEET FREEDOM!
JUDIT MINOT — “Um, Harry? I think you may have… dropped this.” She hands you back your pencil.
PENCIL — FUCK.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Harry, listen,” he says once the pencil is safely back in your hand. “We make a great team exactly as we are now.”
PERCEPTION — Did you hear that, Volition? That means he already likes us.
EMPATHY — That means he considers us a friend. And maybe more.
ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY — That means he wants us to *snack on him.*
VOLITION — There will be no “snacking.” We can’t just jump into bed with Kim the first chance we get. It’s not professional.
ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY — Oh, yes, we can, and yes, we will!
YOU — Wait. Are you saying I have a chance?
KIM KITSURAGI — “Harry?” The lieutenant is watching you, chin resting on the back of his hand.
YOU — You blink. “Sorry. The skills have been fighting today.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “About what?” He’s not surprised by your mention of the skills; you’ve talked about them *extensively* since Kim started working at the 41st.
YOU — “Well, it’s mostly Volition. He likes you—I mean, all the skills like you—but Volition wants to make sure we’re getting along.”
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant’s brow creases. “Does Volition think that we’re not getting along?”
YOU — “Well, no, but he thinks we’d get along even better if I listened to him more. Or if I acted more like you and less like…”
VOLITION — A walking disaster?
YOU — “A walking disaster.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Hmm. I see.” After a moment of contemplation, Kim leans forward into your desk space.
PERCEPTION — You can smell his aftershave. Sorry if you were expecting more from me—your brain may have shorted out.
PENCIL — COME ON, MAN, THINK YOU CAN EASE UP ON THE GRIP? YOU’LL BREAK ME IN HALF.
ENDURANCE — You can bear it, Harry. Listen. He’s about to say something important.
KIM KITSURAGI — Seemingly oblivious to your flustered state, the lieutenant lowers his voice: “You can tell this ‘Volition’ that if I wanted to interact with myself all day, I’d install a mirror where you’re sitting. And make sure to add that, on the occasion, I happen to *like* walking disasters.”
YOU — “Uh…”
KIM KITSURAGI — Smirking, the lieutenant stands up and walks away from his desk.
SAVOIR FAIRE — Oh, my god. Kim is so *cool*.
ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY — And we were right, baby! He wants a taste of this disaster.
VOLITION — Okay, I’ll admit that this was a surprise. Maybe we can come to an agreement, for the sake of Kim. I’ll ease up on the “boring” stuff if the rest of you promise not to drive us off the deep end. How does that sound, Harry?... Harry?
YOU — You stare at the empty space in the air where Kim once stood. You can still smell his aftershave.
YOU — Did someone say something?
VOLITION — Oh, fuck it. Never mind.
