Chapter Text
“Aerith?”
The pain in her chest keeps her from lifting her head up.
“It’s time dear.”
The fall of Sephiroth gave rise to a shift in the universe. One they couldn’t have guessed possible. The tides retreated and the wind turned from west to east. They didn’t notice the change but it brought with it a second chance on life.
Without her everything is colorless… a desolated pitch black desert of grief.
Cloud’s days are a continuous repetition of a monotonous mechanical life while his nights are filled with dreams about failed attempts at saving her and he wakes up breathless and screaming with his heart pounding so heavily it wants to burst out of his chest.
He builds houses from the moment he leaves his room to the moment he gets back at night. When he’s not helping at construction, he occupies himself with different jobs here and there that people ask of him, mostly deliveries or monster hunting.
It’s lonely without her, which he knows is unfair given he has his friends around. But it wasn’t the same, it’s a different kind of space they couldn’t fill.
He spends his days hearing the pounding sound of metal clashing against wood. Vincent is with him on roofs most of the time, scaling and keeping wood beams in place. He doesn’t talk much so Cloud doesn’t mind him though he knows he’s there for him. It’s some kind of purgatory where at least he’s useful to the people.
Drowning his heart in work serves him the excuse to distance himself away from his friends, as painful and as selfish as it looked like; she had left parts of her in each one of them and sometimes the reminiscence is just unbearable.
Tifa has her smile, he sees it whenever she smiles at him, sweet and kindly, lovingly and caring. It wasn’t her fault, but it hurt everytime, even more knowing she worries about his absence and there is nothing he wants to do about it.
Barret has her patience and tolerance, he sees it when Marlene is with them and the way the girl always tries to give him flowers, flowers she keeps on small pots around the bar. Marlene has her ribbon and as much as his heart warms up knowing that their friends are keeping her memory alive, no one seems to wonder how painful it is to constantly be reminded of his biggest regret. It’s contradictory, but his own feelings are a mess he can’t even begin to untangle.
Yuffie has her stubbornness, she gets what she wants and stops at nothing to get it done. She hunts for materia amongst the collapsed city of Midgar, helpful materia that they need and keep away from the wrong hands.
Surprisingly to him, Vincent has her kindness, Aerith had moved his cold withered heart and he treasures her by caring about Cloud, always asking if he needs anything even though he always says he doesn’t. Cid got her strength and sometimes joins him on the battles he faces with monsters that roam around too close coming from the wild lands that encircle the city. They may not know it, but he finds these small things about her in them.
It was unfair and he knew his detachment hurt them all but he needed the time alone to occupy his hands and head so the past wouldn’t end up consuming him.
The air is unusually still that end of day. Dry and sultry, devoid of any soothing breeze.
He runs a hand through his damp locks of blond hair, as sweat drips down his neck and soaks up his t-shirt, he lets his legs hang from the roof’s frame while he stares at the sky; the sun burns at his skin, hot and vengefully forcing him to lift a hand to cover his blue eyes.
He leaps off the roof to walk straight home knowing already the pause will flood his mind with thoughts about her and the emptiness she had left.
“Cloud!” He hears Tifa’s voice, her footsteps echo across the street coming his way. For a brief moment he pretends he doesn’t listen and keeps walking the other way but she persists on calling him and he doesn’t have the nerve to ignore her so close to him. “Could you wait?” Her voice sounds impatient, he thinks, she must be tired of his constant rejections. He stops on his feet, slightly looks over his shoulder before turning around to meet her.
“How have you been?” She catches her breath resting her hands on her knees. He wonders how long has it been since he last saw her?
“The same.” He replies bluntly, everything is the same as it was.
“Listen.” She straightens up. “Maybe you could come over tonight… we’re celebrating the opening of school. The kids would like it if you joined.”
He lets out a sound that’s half a laugh half a groan. He’s sure the last thing the kids need is someone like him near.
“I don’t think so…” he says.
“Come on Cloud.” She insists, and her ruby eyes flicker hopefully against the dusk light of the day. “Do this for us please?”
“I’m not in the mood for celebrating.”
“I know… I know you think you can’t… but maybe you could stay just for a minute…” she reaches for him, takes his hand in hers softly, hesitantly afraid he’ll slant away from her. Her hesitation plunges at him coldly though her touch is comfortingly warm against his bare hands. “I’m sure…” she almost whispers her next words. “She’d like you to.”
She smiles warmly and it forces him to look away, her smile... He takes back his hand and turns around to walk the other way. It’s not Tifa’s fault he sees her everywhere, it’s not her fault he can’t control it.
“I won’t make any promises.” It’s the best he can say as his hands clench into fists at the mention of her. He spends the rest of his way musing about the unfairness of life moving on without the ones lost behind and how wrong it all felt.
He sits on the single bed of his room in a complex built specifically for those who were helping in the construction of houses. It’s not exactly a charming place, mostly made for practicality instead of comfortability or the homely feeling of getting back to a place someone is proud of living in, but it serves the purpose for the short time he passes there. It has a bed and a bathroom, and he finds he doesn’t need much more than that.
He lays down to stare at the washed-cream ceiling over him, the implacable loneliness of the end of the day starts to weight heavy on him, the night always brings with it the terrors of the past. He sighs heavily. Maybe he should start trying to come out of his own shadows, he at least owes them that.
First he needs to take a shower and let the water wash away dust and clay off his skin. It’s only then he notices the water running down the drain is copper red as it blends with the blood of the cuts in his hands from working saws and hammers the whole day through.
He puts on some black pants, a navy blue shirt and a leather jacket, he also thinks best to bandage his hands in case the cuts start bleeding again. He glances at his sword which stood up against the wall. Unless he decides on riding to Midgar that night he isn’t going to need it. Before he changes his mind, he’s out of his room and staggering down the stairs towards the new bar.
The round light bulbs outside are alight, indicating there is something to celebrate about. Some people gather at the porch enjoying the quiet night and some kids run in circles chasing each other’s. It’s lively, it’s cheerful… it’s not for him. And he hesitates on his steps, wondering if he should have come.
“Cloud!” He hears Tifa’s voice as she rushes to meet him and he watches her carry two groceries bags against her chest, with… yellow flowers, yellow lillies, poking out of one of the bags. He freezes. “I’m so glad you’re here.” She smiles, she doesn’t understand… his chest starts racing. “Help me out with these will you?” Before he can utter a sound she has already pushed the flower bag against him and he can’t do anything else except accept it with stiffened arms. Immediately the sweet gentle scent of the lillies drifts through the air, redolent of her presence next to him and for a moment he feels his eyes burn.
Lovers used to give those when they were reunited.
So much pain in each single yellow flower.
His hand lifts to his temple as a headache is starting to nurture, he knows it will sear into something more painful, he definitely shouldn’t have come. All he wants to do is crawl into bed with sheets over his head, away from reality, but he looks at the confident glance Tifa gives him and makes the effort to drag his feet up the stairs, into the bar.
It’s a disaster, he can feel it already. It’s too crowded with friends and familiar faces he doesn’t even try to remember the names of. It’s everything he is running away from, people who worry about him he doesn’t need the pity right now.
“Cloud!” Marlene’s high-pitched call makes him wince in pain, it spikes up his headache. The girl wraps her small arms around his leg and when she loosens her grip he drops down on one knee to greet her. She smiles widely at him, he should say she looks cute with the pink ribbon laced on her black hair but he bites down his lip and settles for a ruffle of her hair. “You look tired.” She says in a timid smile.
“I am.” He replies.
“The flowers I asked Tifa to get!” She beams at the yellow lillies and takes them from the paper bag before he has time to react. He doesn’t tell her to be careful with them but his brain screams the words in silence. He stands up watching as the girl places them in a water pot. The scene is relaxing even for him and he’s glad he didn’t have to say anything after all.
“How have you been?” He feels Barret tap his shoulder heavily and wishes everyone would stop asking him that; he’s no better than he was 340 days ago. He’s living… that’s how he has been. He shrugs and leaves to the back room of the bar to put down the rest of the groceries at the counter. He leans against it, places a palm on his forehead, the headache is getting stronger by the minute and for a moment he feels the world spinning around him.
I want to meet you.
Her voice echoes in his head with a blinding whiteness that makes him shut his eyes close. There’s a sudden ringing in his ears and the next thing he knows he’s down on the floor sitting against the counter with Tifa in front of him calling him back with a shaky voice and alarmed eyes.
Yuffie stands at the door, mouth agape and unbelievably wide open eyes. It’s something else he doesn’t need, people watching him at his worst again.
He stands up with Tifa’s support.
“I’m sorry.” He utters, and leaves the bar passing by Cid at the door who tells him something he doesn’t make out.
He reaches Midgar late into the night, went back for his sword first which combined with the events of the evening had prevented him from getting there sooner. Thankfully, his headache had now faded into a dull throb.
Like his heart, the church is hauntingly quiet and lonely. The few remaining street lamps barely illuminate the darkness inside what’s left of it. He stops in the middle of the flower bed, her flower bed, surrounded by collapsed debris now. It doesn’t rain in weeks, maybe months, and he’s not sure if anyone waters the flowers but somehow they look as beautiful as the day he came crashing down the roof.
The hollow silence overwhelms him as he drops to his knees, rests his forehead on the grass and his hands clench around the damp earth as he lets the ground beneath him soak up his tears. The pain is too much to bear and he doesn’t know what he can do to fix everything because everything feels irreparably broken. He’s a disappointment to his friends, a disappointment to all those who had survived and to those who hadn’t.
“It’s okay Cloud, it’s okay.” He hears her voice, smooth, warm, extremely comforting and he has been hearing her so many times in his head he thinks it’s just another echo of her voice on the walls.
Except he feels the gentle touch of her hand on his back. His eyes open wide in surprise and he sits back up, looking around the emptiness of the place. She sits beside him out of nowhere, her eyes a green as vivid as he remembers them, the incarnation of a forest in full bloom.
“It’s not okay, how can you say that, you’re not here.” He chokes on his words, the clench around his chest leaves him breathless. A sudden anger seeps through his veins, makes his blood boil. Not at her, never at her, but at himself for being the cause of his own sorrow.
“I’m not here…?” she whispers, her blank stare ahead into the night, a flicker of confusion crosses her delicate green eyes. “Who are you talking to then?”
“Come on Aerith.” He huffs to the side, but he can’t look away from her long, she looks real, too real to be true, so he doubts she is. “You’re in my head, you’re in my heart, but you’re not here where I need you.”
“Isn’t it enough, having me in your head and in your heart?”
“How can that be enough?” He looks at her a little incredulously, even when she’s not real she’s able to take him out of his own head. “If I can’t… hold you.”
“Cloud.” She turns her eyes at him and they’re filled with tears, her breath catches as she chokes on a sob.
“I wanted more… so much more, for you.” He says softly, the more he stares at her the more the sudden anger dims, her presence is soothing, like it has always been. Faded dreams of having a home with her, give her a garden and everything she asks pierce him in the heart.
She stays silent, studying him, but he can’t tell what she’s searching for.
“I’m sorry.” She says quietly.
The memory comes back in fragments. Her blood, lifeless green eyes. He cringes. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t…”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“How was it not my fault? I was right there.”
“You weren’t, yourself…” she says, hugs her legs tight in her arms, buries her face on her knees. “I never blamed you, not once.” It hurts too much knowing about the pain he spent all this time cradling inside.
The wind whispers softly around them as silence prevails in between for a long moment. The moon shines alone in a dark cloudless sky.
“I miss you.” He breaks it.
“I know, I could feel it… there.” She looks up into the black void, only a few stars are visible from where they sit amongst the ruins. There… she can’t tell where there is.
He watches her body tremble but he’s afraid to reach for her and his hands will pass right through; he knows it will shatter whatever sanity he has left. But he has to try… so he lifts his hand, hovers his arm around her shoulders, softly and slowly lets it fall… and he feels her body, solid and real, warm and breathing just like before…
His eyes widen, his heart races and the world spins fast around them.
He jolts up from where he’s siting, kneels in front of her, his eyes dance as he looks down at her and confused green eyes twinkle back against the faint lights.
“Are you…?” But he doesn’t wait for an answer, he leans down and embraces her tightly, holding her close to his heaving chest, his heavy breaths fill the shattered space around them.
She lifts her chin and her arms desperately wrap around him, tears run down her cheeks in a stream. He pulls back just enough to be able to look down at her and kisses her forehead, pressing his lips eagerly on her skin, making sure it’s her warmth he’s tasting. She positions herself closer to his face and they linger their eyes on each other for one breathless skip of the heart before their lips finally meet, carrying in them all the longing of a year apart.
“How is this…?” He asks, gasping for air, their breaths intertwining because he doesn’t want to let go of her an inch.
“I don’t know.” She softly shakes her head. “I’m as confused as you are.”
“Are you staying?” He dares and his voice catches, his heart beats so fast he wonders if it will explode.
“I don’t know.” She murmurs. “I don’t feel anything different. It’s like I never left.”
He smiles, holds her against his chest and rests his chin on the crown of her head, hardly believing it’s her in his arms. And all he can feel is her, pressed against him, her scent, her skin, her heartbeat, just her presence.
“So tired.” He hears her say.
“Do you…” going back to Edge would be tough on her, it’s a one hour ride on his motorcycle but he’s not sure she’s fit to endure it, he’s not sure what to think anymore of anything. “What can I do?”
“I want to…” she says, he pulls back but his hands don’t leave her shoulders. “… sleep here, if that’s okay?”
He nods and sits back on the grassy ground. She shifts over him and rests her head on his lap, reaches for one of his bandaged hands and holds it close to her chest, falling fast into sleep as if she hadn’t slept for days. He carefully takes off his jacket to place it over her small body.
He stays awake the whole night looking at her, in constant fear that if he closes his eyes she’ll disappear into thin air. He rubs his eyes multiple times with his free hand, having a really hard time believing how she ended up there with him. It feels like a dream. He even wonders if somehow he had died along his way to the church and that’s her promised land, the place he always thought he’d find her again. But she’s holding his hand so firmly as if she’s trying not to fade herself away.
He smiles and the motion is strange to him, he brushes her bangs away from her eyes, feeling her warm soft skin, and it must be real, she feels real, she has to be real, he repeats to himself, over and over.
When the darkness of the night lifts to reveal the first rays of sunlight, she opens her eyes slowly to be met by his face, staring up at the light blue of the violet morning sky.
“I’m really here?” She asks and he turns his blue gaze at her. He smiles softly, something she has seen him do very few times and she’s reminded of how much she loved it.
He nods, hardly believing it himself even if the night had proven him wrong.
“You didn’t sleep?” She asks sitting up, worriedly looking at his sleepless eyes.
“I couldn’t.” He says and she places her palms over his cheeks, slides onto his lap keeping him between her legs.
She stares at his face quietly, then flashes him a cheeky smile. “You look older.” He would reply to her teasing remark but the way she plants a warm lingering kiss on his forehead keeps him silent. It’s as if she had been reborn and feeling everything for the first time. His hands rest on her waist and his eyes don’t leave hers now she’s awake. It’s unreal and impossible and yet it’s happening.
She smiles but her smile is shadowed by a frightening thought. What if she’s taken away from him again the same way she was put there? She doesn’t want to leave, can’t bear to think he’ll lose her again.
“I don’t know how long I’ll be here.” She finally says, her breath on his lips, and the words send a sharp pain across his heart.
He doesn’t know what to answer to that.