Chapter Text
The concrete underneath feels cold on his ass and thighs, yet Guanshan doesn't feel like moving. Doesn't feel like going home already.
It's close to midnight, the night warm with the occasional chilly breeze. It's quiet here. Peaceful.
Finally a moment to try and sort his chaotic thoughts. To let the last two days recap in his mind.
He still thinks that cutting ties with all of them was the right decision.
He can't afford any further distractions. He needs to focus right now, trying to find a new job, maybe pawning off some of his personal belongings. If there's even anything worth selling.
And if not, he will think of something else. No time to goof around anymore.
Their little trip into the mountains a week ago - nothing but a distant memory.
Time to grow up. Those rare days of enjoying his youth in a carefree manner - over and archived in a far away corner of his brain. Packed up and stored away like winter clothing by the end of February.
It was definitely the right decision!
But if it was right and just, then why does he feel so lonely now? Why doesn't that annoying feeling behind his eyeballs go away? Why is this headache still bothering him since morning?
...and why does the water in the bag feel so soothing in his hands?
He looks down into his lap where the black fish is pressing its mouth to the thin wall of the plastic bag.
Guanshan carefully lifts it up to be at eye level with his new little friend and for a moment the fish stares at him before turning around, continuing to swim in small circles.
What has gotten into him? Getting a dying goldfish when him and his mom can barely afford to feed themselves.
Considering how much time he spent in that fish shop, one should assume this decision was well thought through and rational.
But the reality of things tells a different story. All he could think of when observing the tank were two things:
This fish is dying.
- and
I can't leave him here.
He sighs and lowers the bag down into his lap again.
"I still have to find a name for you", he tells the fish and waits for a reaction.
The fish, however, doesn't react. Of course it fucking doesn't! He can't understand him. At the end of the day, a fish is just a fish. Nothing more and nothing less.
It will swim in circles, it will press its big open mouth against the glass, it will swim to the ground and take little pebbles into its mouth only to spit them out a few seconds later.
Sometimes he will hide between the plants. And when Guanshan will feed him, he will swim to the surface to eat the little flakes. It will take weeks for him to get used to Guanshan and recognize him.
...if he won't die before that.
"Fuck", he mumbles and turns the bag in his hands. The water sloshes around gently. "I'll take good care of you. So don't you die on me, okay?"
He looks up when there's voices to his right. Laughter and the sound of a skateboard rolling over the pavement, followed by various footsteps on the stairs.
Guanshan tenses up immediately when he recognizes the three boys.
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit! Not him. Not today. Please.
Quickly he gets up and grabs his backpack, trying to sneak away before they realize who they're dealing with here at this late hour.
"Is that redhead?"
No! It's not.
But it's already too late. She Li has sniffed him out like a bloodhound and follows him immediately.
"Don't go", he sounds almost cheerful. He's in a good mood tonight. Good for him.
"Why aren't you hanging out with your friends?"
Guanshan doesn't stop, carries on walking, his yellow bag in one hand, the goldfish in the other, trying not to draw any attention to his new pet.
He wants to tell him to fuck off, to leave him alone for once in his life. It's no use.
She Li catches up, walks beside him, a heavy hand on his right shoulder soon stops him from walking any further.
Before he can attempt to shove him away, She Li has already spotted the fish and snatches it from his grasp unceremoniously.
"A goldfish?", he asks, sounding skeptical. "Did you steal it?"
Guanshan's heart drops down into his stomach, his jaw tensing up, brows furrowing, and - very calmly - he says: "Give it back to me."
She Li grins and looks very amused. A second later he tosses the bag behind himself, knowing that either Wang Bao or Zhang Lu will catch it.
Guanshan's blood freezes for a second and it takes all his willpower to not turn around and make sure his new pet is alright.
"Nah, for the moment we'll hold on to it for you", She Li says mirthfully, his arm now fully around Guanshan's neck and shoulder - a feeling worse than being handcuffed, and Guanshan knows how those feel.
He stares ahead and tries to will away that sickening feeling which threatens to take over his entire body like a tsunami wave. All powerful and inevitable.
Nothing good will ever come out of dealing with She Li. Experience has told him that. For as long as he can think back, there wasn't a single positive event involving the both of them.
"Don't be so nervous. I won't kill it."
And the way She Li says kill sends a cold shiver down Guanshan's spine. That and the fact that his mouth is so close to his ear that he can feel his warm breath tickling the outer shell. Way too close for his liking. He can smell She Li's velvety cologne - a dark, smooth scent that reminds him of different woods, moss and warm spices. Definitely alluring on the right kind of man.
She Li is no such man. On him, the whole potpourri takes on a dangerous edge. The promise of something dark and secretive, something wicked that will make one regret all their decisions once they start staring into the darkness for too long.
No. She Li is not the type to simply strike a deadly blow. He won't kill the fish. Rather make it suffer.
Guanshan still remembers it like it was yesterday.
Almost two years ago they found a wounded cat by the side of the road. He wanted to help the poor animal and bring it to a vet so it'd have a chance at survival.
But She Li had other plans.
He still remembers the sounds that haunted him for weeks, remembers all the blood, the smell, the way he later threw up in a dark alley, behind trash cans and soggy old cardboard boxes, not being able to erase the gruesome images from his mind.
Maybe he should've never entered that pet shop. Maybe he shouldn't have asked for the goldfish. Or maybe he should've headed straight home.
If only this, if only that... It's too late now. That pitiful creature's fate is sealed.
I'm sorry, he thinks. I'm sorry for pulling you away from your friends and jeopardizing the rest of your life.
He closes his eyes. He can't even keep a fucking goldfish safe. He truly is a failure through and through.
"Come with me, I'll take you somewhere to play a game."
She Li's voice rips Guanshan out of his thoughts.
He continues walking, a lollipop suddenly in his hand, playfully wiggling it around.
Guanshan stands still, refuses to follow him.
Maybe he can't save the goldfish but he can still save himself. He's not thirteen years old anymore. He's still scared but he's older now, wiser and also stronger. He needs to learn to stand up for himself. He Tian is not here and he won't be there in the future. He needs to fight his own battles.
Something in his face takes on a hard edge. He presses his tongue to the roof of his mouth.
"I'm not going."
There's a moment of silence, followed by the low clicking sound of hard candy meeting a row of teeth.
She Li turns around slowly, smiling, turning the lollipop in his mouth.
"But... it's a very exciting game", he explains calmly, "and it'll only be interesting if you come along."
Guanshan doesn't say a word, just remains where he stands, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
She Li's smile grows wider and he takes out his candy, points it at Guanshan and then at Zhang Lu who still holds the bag with the fish inside.
"You want your cuddle fish back, don't you?"
"Don't call him that."
The other two guys start cackling like hyenas and She Li chomps down on his treat, strong molars scrunching the piece of candy into tiny bits.
"Oh?", he asks, still smiling. "Well, well, what should we call him then? It's male, right?"
Guanshan swallows, his eyes on the now useless lollipop stick, hanging from the corner of She Li's mouth.
The other one steps closer, faking contemplation, making a show out of thinking up a name.
"What would be a fitting name for such a pathetic creature? Hmm, how about... He Tian?"
More laughter.
"Yes, let's name him He Tian for now."
He takes the plastic stick out of his mouth and nudges it against the soft bag.
"Hello, He Tian. Wanna play a game with us?"
He presses more forcefully. The bag bends under the pressure. Any harder and it might get pierced.
Guanshan closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath. In his mind he can already see the water flowing out, the bag empty, the fish flopping on the gray tarmac before going still.
It's just a fucking fish, he tries telling himself. Only a fish...
Though he can't let that happen - after all it was him who pulled the fish out from his safe environment. Somewhere where he would've died in peace. But now—
"Stop", he says quietly, his hand around She Li's wrist. "I will play your stupid game. Just... just leave him alone."
She Li smirks and flicks the lollipop stick away. He looks disgustingly satisfied.
"Follow me."
tbc~