Work Text:
It never rains but it pours.
Truer words have never been spoken, he thinks while his fingers let go of the crumpled pages of his math book. His vision blurs, the world around him swimming in liquid.
Stubbornly he stares at his notes, tries to read what's written on the paper, refuses to blink.
He succeeds for all of 45 seconds, then the tears start spilling, running down his reddened cheeks, dripping onto the desk and his white shirt.
He can't remember the last time he felt so desperate, so anxious - deprived of any hope for the future - and ultimately: so lonely.
He can still see He Tian's face in his mind. A look that will probably haunt him for the rest of his life. Was it fair to take it out on him? Even though this whole shit is partially his fault?
Certainly not. He Tian was the only person available and he lashed out before he could think better of it. Hurting the only person outside his own family, who ever said he'd support him no matter what.
Pretty low move.
Now, an hour later, he feels sorry. Mainly for himself, but also for He Tian, his mom... his dad.
These last few weeks had been the happiest in his life since his father had been imprisoned. Almost too good to be true. He should've known that there was a hidden catch. This wasn't meant to last forever.
What a shit day.
First he couldn't use the restroom prior to the play, afterwards He Tian... he... did that.
Guanshan's eyes close in shame, drops of liquid caught in his lashes, falling off, tickling his cheeks. And while he was already in a bad mood, the bosslady called him to let him know he had been fired.
What is he supposed to do now?
With a deep sigh, he leans back and looks up at the ceiling. The back of his right hand idly wipes the tears away.
Get a grip on yourself!
He can't lose it now. His mom depends on the extra money. Finding a new job should be the new top priority. With summer break around the corner he might as well look for a full time job. Somewhere where they don't care that he's still a minor.
Briefly he remembers She Li's offer to work at his family's bar.
He shudders involuntarily. That should really be his last straw. Something only to consider when all else fails. Though it would probably be very fitting. A shitty work environment for a shitty person like him. He is a walking, talking failure. The worst son ever. Letting his mom down at a time like this. Someone like him doesn't deserve—
His phone vibrates and lights up on the desk.
He leans forward and looks at the preview screen even though he knows, he just knows, there's only one person who'd still message him at a time like this.
He swipes to unlock his phone and clicks on He Tian's little message window to read the rest of it.
He Tian 23:17
Little Mo, I'm very sorry for what happened after the play. Please let me apologize in person. There is something else I need to tell you as well, it's urgent. Please give me a chance to explain.
Guanshan furrows his brows. What could be so urgent? Surely He Tian doesn't mean to meet up right now?
He stares at the message a little longer. His screen goes darker. Then it switches off.
Guanshan is still staring at the black mirror image of himself and the bed behind him.
Outside, a heavy rain shower starts drumming against his window. The steady, rhythmic noise relaxes him a little.
He hates to admit it to himself, but in a way he feels relieved. Relieved that He Tian reaches out again even after being treated like this by him.
Earlier, when he had told him to stay away and not follow him around anymore - he had meant every word. Too angry, too disappointed, too hurt... but right now? He felt sorry somehow. It hadn't been fair to let it all out on He Tian just because he was the one being there and pissing him off prior to that.
He takes a deep breath and leans back over the desk to quickly text a reply.
Only seconds later his phone vibrates again and He Tian's answer pops up on the screen.
He Tian 23:21
Look under your window.
Is this bastard for real?
Guanshan curses and drops his phone before pushing his chair back and getting up, walking straight over to his window and ripping it open with more force than needed.
A sudden breeze whips a wall of rain drops into his face.
He bends over the windowsill and looks down on the pavement underneath.
He Tian stands there, soaked from the rain, waving up to him like an idiot.
"The fuck are you doing here?!", Guanshan hisses loud enough for the other one to hear.
"Can I come up, please?", He Tian asks and pushes his wet fringe out of his face. "I don't think it'll stop anytime soon."
Guanshan feels the rain hitting his nape and it's not a pleasant thing. "Shit", he mutters and then says a little louder: "Yeah, come in. But be quiet for fuck's sake."
Immediately He Tian walks to the front door in a few long strides and Guanshan closes the window and spins around to take a quick look around his room.
He has about thirty seconds before He Tian will have climbed all the stairs and be standing in front of his apartment door.
With lightning speed he grabs a handful of dirty laundry and kicks it under his bed, next he takes the blanket and shakes it out once, laying it straight on top of the sheet. Lastly he picks up some crumpled up tissues from the floor and quickly tosses them into the bin.
When he's out in the corridor, he can already hear faint shuffling in the hallway.
Guanshan takes one last, deep breath and opens the door.
He Tian is beaming.
He's soaked to the bone, hair and clothes dripping, creating a little puddle of water right where he stands.
As soon as the door is open, he takes off his sneakers and socks and leaves them outside to dry a little.
"Never heard of umbrellas?", Guanshan comments dryly and steps aside to let him in.
"Little Mo", He Tian starts, walking past him on bare feet and Guanshan shushes him instantly while quietly closing the door.
"Shhhhhhhh!! I told you to be quiet", he whispers furiously, "my mom's sleeping, so don't be noisy!"
He Tian follows him without another word and together they enter his bedroom.
Guanshan makes a mental note to mop the floor after He Tian is gone. No need for his mom to ask uncomfortable questions.
"Wait there", he instructs before He Tian can walk further into the room.
Guanshan nearly trips over his own bag on the floor and hastily opens the wardrobe to snatch a clean towel.
"Here", he says and tosses the towel in He Tian's direction, who catches it easily. "Dry yourself off. Can't have you leaving water stains everywhere..."
"Can I talk now?", He Tian asks warily while he starts rubbing the towel over his naked arms.
Guanshan simply nods and asks himself if it takes a special kind of idiocy to go out in only a thin t-shirt and with no umbrella if the forecast had announced rain for the night.
Unless He Tian did it on purpose to fabricate a scenario just like this... then again, He Tian probably never watched the news or checked the weather forecast on his phone, not having a single care in the world.
"Well, about earlier", He Tian starts and pauses to wipe his face, the water from his fringe drips onto his hands, the droplets running down his arms in thin rivers.
Guanshan watches it from his desk and only realizes too late that he's blatantly staring at the other one. He fakes a cough and turns slightly sideways.
"Yeah, about that—"
"I'm truly sorry", He Tian interrupts him. "I didn't know it would upset you that much, but I can see now that it must've been quite embarrassing for you, but I swear on my mother's grave - I didn't look. Honestly. Still, I understand the whole situation was probably extremely upsetting for you and—"
"He Tian!", Guanshan cuts him off and shakes his head. "It's alright. It's true, I was pretty pissed, but it doesn't matter anymore. You seem to think that that was the reason why I was so angry earlier, but that was the last thing on my mind."
He sighs and settles to sit on the edge of his bed, hunched forward, elbows resting on his thighs, hands rubbing over his tired face.
"Oh", He Tian says and stops drying his hair, letting the towel sink.
"What happened?", he asks hesitantly after both had been quiet and not moving for a while.
Guanshan scratches his scalp before letting go and lifting his gaze, turning his face towards He Tian. He eyes him from bottom to top and shrugs.
"I got fired", he finally admits and he's surprised by how easily he can say these words.
For some reason he thought admitting it out loud would be way harder. Yet it strangely doesn't seem like the end of the world anymore.
Not without annoyance he realizes what he had noticed a few times before already: Things don't seem so bad anymore when He Tian is with him. For some strange, unfathomable reason everything is easier when they're together, his problems shift into the background and the sun shines a little brighter.
"Shit", He Tian mumbles and takes a step closer, the towel slung over his shoulder.
He makes a helpless gesture with his hands, palms open. "I'm sorry to hear that. Is it because you missed too many shifts?"
"Yeah", Guanshan nods slowly. "Bosslady called me earlier and said I don't need to come back... guess I have to find a new job now."
"I-if you need money—"
"Sure, He Tian", Guanshan interrupts him once more, brows furrowed, sounding sarcastic. "Give me 25.000 Yuan, that'll help us out for about a year, ha. Forget it! I will do this like I did everything else in my life before you waltzed in. I'll find a solution myself. I'm not a charity case."
"I know that", He Tian says immersively, "but it's partly my fault. I guess I've kept you from your duties quite often throughout the last few weeks."
"True", Guanshan says and wiggles his toes inside his socks before scratching a spot on his right cheek. "But I'll manage somehow. I just have to find a new job, plus I can work full time throughout summer break since I won't attend extra classes."
He Tian comes closer until he's in front of Guanshan, leaning his behind against the edge of the desk. He crosses his arms, his voice taking on a challenging tone.
"And if I ask you to do something and pay you for it?"
Guanshan looks up into his face and his expression is something between suspicious and pissed off. "If that's you being a pervert again, then forget it."
"One thing", He Tian says, now also crossing his legs by the ankle. "I'll ask one thing of you, it'll take up a few seconds of your time. And I swear I'll give you the money. But you have to agree now."
"Hah! As if", Guanshan hisses and shifts nervously on the bed, his hands gripping the edge so hard that his knuckles turn white.
Is He Tian stupid? Does he really think he'd agree to any of his bullshit before even hearing what it is? 25.000 Yuan. The sum is insane. He roughly earned 120 per week in that fruit and veg shop.
He Tian must be out of his mind.
What could he ask for anyway? Probably demanding to grab his fucking dick or some bullshit like that.
Guanshan can easily imagine the shit that goes through He Tian's head. And soon enough he asks himself if he can sense that stuff, if that makes him a pervert, too?
"It would be the easiest 25.000 you've ever earned in your life", He Tian tries to lure him.
There's a smirk around the corners of his mouth and Guanshan swallows the lump in his suddenly dry throat.
The offer is alluring. But not exactly knowing what he'll get himself into makes the whole thing foul and smelling of rotten eggs.
"You must be out of your mind", he mumbles and looks down at the floor.
Automatically, his gaze wanders to He Tian's naked feet. Short nails, the big toe longer than the others, smooth heels. Nice feet overall.
Guanshan closes his eyes.
Stop!, he tells himself. Fantasizing about He Tian's feet. How messed up is that?
"Alright, I'll tell you what I want."
Guanshan presses his fingers into his eye sockets and shakes his head again. He's not sure if he wants to hear He Tian's stupid request after all.
"A kiss", He Tian says. "Easy enough right?"
Guanshan lets his hand sink and stares him dead in the eye.
He Tian is serious. He really wants to buy a fucking kiss for fucking 25.000 Yuan.
Fucking nutcase.
"Nah", he breathes and lets his hand sink. "Maybe you should go..."
He Tian sighs and unfolds his arms, his hands grabbing the edge of the desk instead.
"Fine." He sounds disappointed. "It was just an offer. But listen, I wanted to tell you something, so... yeah."
Guanshan looks at him expectantly.
"Well?", he asks, a little impatient, wanting to change the subject. "Spit it out."
"Okay", He Tian says slowly and clears his throat. "This will be a little weird now, uhm... I'm leaving."
Guanshan stares.
His first thought is: He Tian is leaving. I knew he'd leave me eventually, fucking bastard!
Then the rational part of his brain tries to jump in: Calm down. He just said he's leaving. So what? He didn't say when, for how long or where he's going.
Guanshan tries to swallow. His throat makes a weird sound. Or maybe it's just in his head.
"You're leaving", he repeats and tries to sound nonchalant. He fails.
He Tian shuffles with his naked feet on the floor, staring at them like it's the most interesting thing in the world.
"It's my father, he—", suddenly He Tian looks up, his fingers starting to drum against the underside of the table. "Well. I have to leave town. I won't be coming back to school tomorrow."
The headache comes instantly upon hearing those words. A sharp pain behind his temples, spreading across his forehead. The area next to his nose feels cold and then hot, a wave of nausea washing over his face.
His heart beats faster and his stomach suddenly feels empty and heavy at the same time.
Guanshan wants to throw up.
"I wanted to take you and the others out for dinner tonight and celebrate the success of the play, but I couldn't find you after... after the bathroom incident. I was planning to tell you once we had dinner and not like this..."
He doesn't listen. There's only one sentence repeating in his head, over and over again, like a mantra. Dominating his thoughts until there's nothing else left.
I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'mleaving. I'mleaving. Imleaving. Imleavingimleavingimleavingimleaving—
Subconsciously, he wraps his arms around his aching stomach.
"How long?"
His voice is barely more than a whisper.
He Tian stills his restless fingers and answers quietly: "I honestly don't know. I won't be back any time soon. Maybe a few years. If I'm eighteen, I could technically do whatever I want, however knowing my father, he'll probably find ways to make me stay and—"
"No?! What I mean is, for how long have you known??"
"Oh."
He Tian takes his time with an answer. Guanshan can see his brain working behind those gray eyes. Can see how he contemplates lying to him.
But in the end...
"I've always known that I had to follow him eventually. But the exact date? Only for about two weeks."
"Two weeks", Guanshan echoes.
Feverishly, he tries to recall all events of the past two weeks. He Tian giving him the earrings, Guanshan telling him about his past with She Li, their hike in the mountains, Guanshan sleeping over at his apartment, He Tian giving him the damn guitar, ...
"You said... just- just three days ago. You told me to follow my dreams and you'd support me, you—", he cuts himself off and drags some shaky fingers through short, red strands. He tries to take a deep breath.
"That was all some made-up bullshit after all, right?" He knows he sounds bitter. He doesn't care anymore. "So you've known all along. Did you have fun? Laughing to yourself while testing to see what it takes to earn my trust? Seeing how far you can take it before you just disappear, thinking you played some random fool from school for a sucker?! Did you—"
"Stop", He Tian is kneeling in front of him. He is holding his hands and Guanshan hadn't even realized that he'd taken them.
"Please stop", he begs and there is just so much sadness in his eyes that it startles Guanshan. His hands are a dead weight in He Tian's larger ones. Forgotten and not important.
"You know it's not like this. Everything I did, everything we did, everything I said, it's all true. I meant it all."
He doesn't know what to say to this. His head is empty, except for one thing: He Tian will be gone tomorrow.
It still sounds weird and unreal when he says it in his mind and he wonders for how long it'll stay unreal after tomorrow. When will that moment come for him, the moment when he realizes - He Tian is not here anymore. Gone, out of his life for years to come.
He remembers how, as a kid, it took him months to come to terms with the fact that his dad won't be returning home anymore at the end of a long day.
Funny how he suddenly thinks of his old man now. In a situation like this. How absurd.
"It's not absurd", he hears He Tian say and realizes he must've said it out loud.
"I understand you're upset..."
Upset doesn't even begin to describe what he's feeling right now.
"...but I just wanted to make these last weeks count. I wanted to create nice memories for us, so hopefully you won't forget me until I can return to you one day."
"Return... to me?", Guanshan sounds skeptical.
"Of course", He Tian says and gives his hands a short squeeze. "You think I have any other reason to come back to this town?"
Guanshan stares at him and tries to find the fault in what he said. To find the lie. Yet he wants to believe him. He really does.
"You really do like me", he whispers and it sounds like he only realized it now.
"Didn't I drop enough hints for you? Aside from stating the obvious, of course."
"I thought", Guanshan licks his lips nervously. "I thought you were joking, just playing around."
"Like I said. I meant every word."
"I see."
They're quiet for long minutes afterwards, just sitting there, listening to the rain drumming softly against the window.
Gunshan notices that He Tian's hair is still wet. That they're still holding hands. That he can feel He Tian's breath in his face.
His lips are so close. He can't focus on his eyes anymore - they're too close.
"No", he breathes out before anything happens, freeing his hands and pushing against He Tian's shoulders, shoving him away.
He Tian almost falls over backwards.
Guanshan gets up from the bed and nervously paces between the door and the window.
Did he just try to kiss him? Again? After all?
"I think you really should go now."
"When I leave your apartment tonight, we won't see each other again for a very long time, Guanshan", He Tian says, his voice sounding something between reasonable and dangerous.
It sends shivers down Guanshan's spine, making the nauseous feeling grow in his gut. It's nearly overwhelming.
"Do you really want me to go?"
He Tian rises from his kneeling position and Guanshan can feel his piercing gaze on his body.
"What you want me to do?", he asks almost desperately. "What is it that you want?"
He feels like crying. But he won't. He won't break down. Not because of He Tian!
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Is that why you came all the way here? At night in the pouring rain?"
"Maybe."
"You're disgusting."
"Maybe", He Tian says again. "But first and foremost I'm in love."
Guanshan covers his ears, back against the wardrobe. He doesn't want to hear it. Not from him and certainly not now.
Hands are closing around his wrists and someone is pulling his hands away from his ears.
"Guanshan..."
"No."
He closes his eyes. His wrists are pinned against the wooden doors, next to his head.
He can feel a warm breath on his face once more. Then something presses against his mouth.
He Tian is kissing him.
It's similar to the first time, yet it's different.
It's rough and desperate, no tongue this time, but wet nonetheless.
It's repulsive.
The grip around his wrists goes loose and He Tian breaks the kiss, moving only a fraction away.
Guanshan opens his eyes and stares into He Tian's widened gray ones. He looks like he can't believe he just did that.
Guanshan grits his teeth and yanks his wrists free. His right arm swings up, about to hit He Tian in the face.
He Tian cocks his head and manages to grab his wrist once more before Guanshan can hit him.
Guanshan looks furious and swings with his other hand. He Tian catches that one easily too.
He furrows his brows and pins him against the wardrobe a second time.
Guanshan wants to scream out of frustration, yet he keeps quiet, murdering He Tian with his gaze.
They stare at each other, observing the changing emotions in the other one's eyes.
He wants to hit him, hurt him, scream at He Tian for confusing him, for making him have weird dreams and occupying his thoughts during class.
He also just wants to be a normal fucking teenager for once. Wants to live carefree, wants to experience his first love, wants to go on dates together, wants to hold hands at the cinema once the lights go out. All this weird, sappy shit that's so important in these excruciating teenie movies.
He wants all of it.
And strangely enough - he wants it with He Tian.
Tonight is all we have left.
Guanshan comes to realize that he doesn't want He Tian to go. Not really.
He wants to spend this last night with him together, to make it count, like He Tian had said earlier.
One last memory for the both of them. To cherish and remember fondly.
Following some weird impulse, he leans forward and presses his lips against He Tian's mouth. He can feel the astonishment in this third kiss, the disbelief and surprise. Until He Tian's lips start moving against his own, deepening the kiss and tilting his head slightly.
This feels way better than before, nice actually, and Guanshan's eyes flutter shut as his whole body relaxes and the bad feeling in his stomach is chased away by this new, positive experience.
Before he knows it, his hands are on He Tian's face, cupping his ears, thumbs stroking over his cheekbones. He Tian's hands are coming down on his hips, dragging him closer while soft moans escape his mouth.
The hands wander further down, along the outside of his thighs before getting a grip under his ass and lifting him off the ground as if he weighs nothing.
Instinctively Guanshan wraps his legs around He Tian's waist, his back still pressed against the hardwood behind him.
Somehow, one thing leads to another and soon he finds himself lying on his bed with He Tian hovering above him.
What happens next is all a blur and a little hazy.
Most of what Guanshan will remember later is that he starts crying at some point.
Sobs are shaking his body and He Tian slows down and stops for a while to take the time and interlace their fingers. To kiss his tears away and lean their foreheads together, telling him that it's okay, that they will be okay. Eventually.
He's leaving. For now. But it won't be the end of the world. They'll see each other again. One day.
He Tian is gentle, something Guanshan didn't know the other one is capable of to this extent.
It hurt when he came to him the first time, but the pain ultimately faded away, just like the rain outside.
Wet hair on heated skin, tears on his cheeks, blood on the sheets, saliva and sweat on every part of his trembling body.
He holds on to He Tian's shoulders, doesn't want to let go.
This is goodbye, he thinks and wishes he could remember every detail for all eternity: He Tian's moans and loud breathing, the way their naked bodies press against one another, the weird pressure in his lower half, the feeling of being completely filled up, body and soul - yet this whole night already starts merging into one single big picture.
They can't stop time.
//
Later they lie together on Guanshan's single bed, both on their sides, facing each other, the blanket barely covering their hips.
"Promise, you won't forget me."
"He Tian... I just put my soul into your hands... don't you think that's proof enough?"
He Tian smiles and reaches for Guanshan's face, the tip of his thumb painting over his bottom lip.
"I'll find a way of contacting you. Somehow we'll make it work."
Guanshan wants to believe him.
"Yeah", he says, shifting a little to get more comfortable.
"Lean over here", He Tian offers and turns on his back.
Hesitantly Guanshan scoots closer and lies his head on the other one's chest. His hand comes to lie on the other half of He Tian's broad chest, searching for his heartbeat.
It's right there. He can feel it under his fingertips. Faint, like a little bird flapping its wings.
He closes his eyes. He doesn't want to fall asleep, doesn't want to waste their last hours sleeping, there's so much he still wants to ask, wants to tell him, but in the end he can't help it. He's tired and exhausted, the need to rest is overpowering.
He knows He Tian will be gone once he wakes up.
He tries not to think about it too much. Instead he tries to focus on He Tian's fingers, painting invisible patterns onto his fragile skin.
The last thing on his mind before he drifts to sleep, is that he'd like to fall asleep like this every night.
Surrounded by familiar scent and held by strong arms, feeling safe and warm.