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When Willie arrives late to Julie and Flynn’s spa night, it’s with a massive, giddy smile on their face.
“Good date?” Julie asks as Willie flops down on her bed. She hands them an unopened face mask and they start applying it to themself.
“Amazing,” Willie breathes dreamily. “Alex is perfect.”
Flynn gives him a playful eye roll. “Yeah, we know. You tell us six times a day.”
“Well he is,” Willie argues. “But that wasn’t even the best part.”
“Oooh, spill,” Julie coos.
“So we went to this art festival, right? And we stopped at pretty much all the booths and—“ they bite their lip, trying and failing to contain their grin. “I got called ma’am seven times.”
Julie and Flynn squeal excitedly, each of them grabbing one of his arms.
“That’s awesome, Wills,” Julie says, and she means it. Ever since Willie told everyone that he likes using feminine terms for himself, they’ve all been making a pointed effort to use them more. Even so, Willie’s told her that nothing beats the euphoria of a random stranger doing it without having to be asked.
“I wasn’t even trying to look femme today.” Willie gestures at his crop top and shorts. “It just happened.”
“Of course it did, you’re gorgeous,” Flynn says. She hands Willie the box of Julie’s nail polish so they can select their colors.
“Makin’ me blush,” Willie jokes. They pull out a sparkly green polish. “What’s up with you guys?”
Flynn pulls a face. “Well, I also got ma’am-ed.” They say it with much less enthusiasm than Willie had.
Willie scrunches up his nose in sympathy. “That sucks.”
“I had, like, seven non-binary pins visible,” Flynn says. “Including a pronoun pin and one that literally said ‘Don’t call me ma’am.’”
Willie snorts derisively. “Cis people.” He pauses, then turns to Julie. “No offense, Jules.”
She waves them off, focusing on her own nails. Luckily, her tense silence goes unnoticed, and Flynn launches into the story she’s already told Julie about her and Carrie’s adventures at the mall that day.
Julie’s friends do that a lot. As far as she knows, Carrie is her only cis friend. Literally everyone else is some flavor of genderqueer, so it makes sense that they get onto the topic of their annoyance with cis people quite often. And every single time, they make sure to turn to Julie and assure her that they’re not talking about her.
The thing is, she’s not entirely sure she’s cis anymore, and she has no idea what to do with that information.
Logically, she knows she could share it with her friends. They’re statistically the least likely people to judge or reject her. But every time she thinks she’s ready, every time she opens her mouth to say, Actually, I might not really be cis, someone please help me figure this out, something stops her.
It’s mostly the fact that she doesn’t know how to explain the way she’s feeling. She’s heard her friends describe the way they feel about their genders, and none of them match. Heck, she got a firsthand taste of Luke’s dysphoria when he accidentally possessed her, and she knows for a fact she feels nothing like that, at least not that intensely. She’s fine with her body—it’s what she was given and there’s not much she’d really want to change.
As far as pronouns go, most days she’s fine with she/her, but there are some days when it suddenly and inexplicably feels wrong. The issue is she’s not sure what would feel right.
She’s ruled out being a binary trans guy like Alex and Luke and Reggie. The thought of using he/him feels right as often as it feels wrong, and that doesn’t really help clarify anything.
She feels a bit closer to what Flynn has described, about feeling somewhere between girl and no gender at all, sometimes leaning towards one or the other. The term demigirl, though just doesn’t gel with her. It feels too restrictive, placing her too close to female on the spectrum.
The closest she’s ever heard it described is by Willie, who once said that they feel like everything and nothing all at once. Willie plays with gender, makes choices about how to present that don’t necessarily connect to any sense of femininity or masculinity or androgyny. Julie likes that idea; the boys don’t know it, but Julie delights in stealing their clothes, admiring the way their masculine outfits sit on her body. It somehow feminizes the clothes and masculinizes her body all at once. For her, though, it definitely connects to gender. She likes feeling masculine, not just looking it like Willie does. Besides, Willie doesn’t have or want a word for what they are, and Julie desperately wants one.
“Jules?” Flynn asks, voice tinged with exasperation.
Julie snaps back to reality to find both her friends staring at her expectantly. “Yeah, sorry. What did you say?”
“Willie asked how your day was,” Flynn says.
“Like, three times,” Willie adds. “Are you okay?”
Julie looks between the two of them, trying to spin some sort of believable excuse in her head, but she’s never been able to lie well, especially not to Flynn. She sighs and screws the cap onto her nail polish, setting it aside though her hand is only half-painted.
“I think I’m having a crisis.”
Flynn and Willie immediately drop their nail polish bottles and turn their faces serious, which is quite a sight with Willie still wearing their face mask. Julie shoots him a look, and he shakes his head.
“I’m not taking it off,” they say. “I’m forty-nine, my skin needs this.”
“Please,” Julie mutters, “like you and your immortal ghost skin need any help.”
“What kind of crisis are we dealing with?” Flynn asks, her voice shifting into Manager Mode. “On a scale from questioning your sexuality to an evil magician ghost trying to kill us?”
“Closer to the first one?” Julie says. She picks at a loose threat on her comforter, avoiding their eyes. “It’s, um, it’s actually a gender crisis?”
Willie’s eyebrows shoot up to their hairline in surprise, and then they break out in a massive grin. “One of us!” they chant. “One of—“
They let out an offended squawk as Flynn clamps a hand over their mouth.
“Do you wanna talk it out?” Flynn asks.
“I… don’t really know how,” Julie admits.
Willie licks Flynn’s hand, giving them a smug smirk when they jerk their hand away from his mouth.
“Do you want help figuring it out?” Willie asks. “We could start by asking questions and see if that helps open anything up.”
“Okay,” Julie nods.
Willie gives her a proud smile. “Just tell us if you don’t want to answer anything, okay?” They turn to Flynn. “Flynnigan, you wanna take the floor?”
Flynn hums in thought. “Well, first, are there any big changes you know you want to make? Like name or pronouns?”
“No,” Julie says immediately, “I’m not changing my name.” She loves her name; it was a gift from her mom and she’d never give that away. “Pronouns, though… I’m not sure.”
“Okay,” Willie says, “well, how do you feel when I say, ‘That’s my friend Julie, she’s super talented’?”
Julie takes a moment to take stock of her reaction. “Fine, I guess? I don’t really feel any specific way about it.”
Flynn asks, “What about, ‘Julie said he’s coming over later with his band.”
Something uncomfortable settles in Julie’s chest at that, and she squirms, shaking her head. “I don’t like it. But yesterday Alex called me ‘she’ and I had the same reaction as ‘he’ just gave me.” She hesitates, then adds, “But there are some days where I think I’d like ‘he,’ or even ‘they.’”
“So it changes?” Willie asks.
“I guess,” Julie shrugs. “Kind of.”
“Flynn, what was the name of that website we found?”
“Already on it,” Flynn assures them, tapping around on her phone.
Willie turns to Julie and explains, “When Flynn asked me for help with their gender stuff we found this website with a ton of terms. There were a couple that talked about feeling like your gender changes.”
Flynn makes a triumphant noise and hands Julie the phone. “See if any of these sound good.”
Julie scrolls through the website, a little overwhelmed by the long list of identities. She recognizes some of them— binary trans, non-binary, demigirl and boy, agender— but other than that, most of the terms are new to her.
It’s a little hard to concentrate, though, when she can feel Flynn and Willie’s eyes burning holes in the side of her head. She glances up at them, and they quickly busy themselves with their nail polish.
She goes back to the phone and takes time to read through the description of each identity that’s foreign to her. None of them on the first half of the list fit quite right, and with each one she dismisses the anxious whispers telling her that she won’t find an answer grow. She starts fiddling with her necklace as she reads, hoping to let out some of her nervous energy.
After a few more minutes and a few more dismissed labels, a voice whispers right next to her ear, “Found anything yet?”
Julie jumps about a mile in the air. “Jesus, Willie!”
Willie throws their now-painted hands in the air in defense. “I’m sorry! I’m bored!”
“You can sit still for a couple more minutes,” Julie argues.
“I really can’t.”
“Well I can’t concentrate with you lurking over my shoulder.”
“What else am I supposed to do?”
Flynn rolls their eyes and pushes Willie towards the edge of the bed. “Go kiss your boyfriend or something! Let Julie think!”
Willie pouts and stumbles as Flynn shoves them off the bed and onto their feet. “But I wanna—“
“Go!” Flynn insists, ushering him out the door. “We’ll come get you if there’s a breakthrough.”
“But—“
“Are you really telling me you don’t want to kiss Alex right now?”
Willie sighs, the fight draining out of him. “No,” he mutters, then poofs away.
Flynn closes the door, then turns to Julie with an exasperated eye roll. “Ghosts,” she scoffs.
Julie gives her a grateful smile and turns back to the phone as Flynn slides back onto the bed beside her.
After a couple moments of silence, Flynn asks, “So, found anything yet?”
“Flynn!”
Flynn laughs, knocking their shoulder into Julie’s. “I’m kidding! Take your time.”
Julie shakes her head, and when the her eyes land on the screen again, her breath hitches in her chest.
Gender fluidity, it reads, refers to change over time in a person’s gender expression or gender identity, or both. That change might be in expression, but not identity, or in identity, but not expression. Or both expression and identity might change together.
“Ooh,” Flynn coos, “I know that look. Did you find something?”
Julie nods, the words bouncing around her brain and settling deep in her chest. Gender-fluid. She’s gender-fluid. It feels so right in a way she’s only ever felt while playing music.
She’s too in awe to speak, so she hands Flynn’s phone back and points to the word.
“Gender-fluid?” Flynn asks.
Julie nods, a wide smile breaking out on her face. Flynn throws their arms around her and squeals with delight.
“I’m so proud of you, Jules!”
“I’m proud of me too,” Julie laughs.
“I don’t know a ton about gender-fluidity,” Flynn says, “but I know it can be different for people. Do you want to tell me what it’s like for you?”
“I think…” Julie takes a moment to collect her thoughts, turning on her writer brain to help her wrangle the feelings into something she can communicate. “I think I sort of move through all of it,” she says. “Through the whole spectrum, you know? Sometimes I feel closer to girl or boy or nothing, but sometimes I also feel like both.” She pauses, then adds. “Right now, I feel like a girl.”
Flynn nods sagely. “But for the boy days, do I get to help masc up your wardrobe?”
Julie laughs, tightening her hold on Flynn. “Of course. I can’t just keep stealing Luke’s cutoffs.”
“Oof,” Flynn scrunches up their nose in disgust. “Girl, you shouldn’t even be leaving the house in those. Just ‘cause you’re a boy sometimes doesn’t mean you’ve gotta be gross like your ghosties.”
“Speaking of ghosties,” Julie sighs. “I should probably tell them, shouldn’t I?”
“You don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want to,” Flynn assures her, “but you know it won’t change anything about how much they love you. And if you do want to tell them, I’ll be right by your side.”
“Thanks, Flynn.” Julie leans her head on Flynn’s shoulder. “I’m gonna tell them. If I don’t do it now Willie’s just gonna come back to pester me.”
“Fair enough,” Flynn laughs. They take Julie’s hand and stand. “Let’s do it, then.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thankfully, they do not find Willie deep in a makeout session with Alex. They do, however, find them engaged in an intense arm-wrestling match with Reggie while Alex and Luke scream at them.
“Crush him, Wills,” Alex yells, shaking Willie’s shoulders. “Destroy him!”
Luke seems to have adopted a different tactic. He ignores Reggie completely, instead staring Willie dead in the eyes.
“Look at him, Willie,” Luke says. “Look how adorable he is. Do you know how awful it is when he’s sad? Have you seen him cry? Do you really want to be the cause of that?”
“Murder him!” Alex screeches.
“That’s like murdering a puppy!” Luke screeches back.
Willie’s eyes widen in surprise, and Reggie takes advantage of this to slam Willie’s hand down on the table.
“Yes!” Reggie shrieks, throwing his hands up in victory. “Suck it, loser!”
Alex groans and drops his head on Willie’s shoulder while Luke scoops Reggie off the ground in a victory hug. Willie pouts, but the sound of Julie and Flynn giggling quickly lights his face back up.
“Julie!” he calls. “Did you—“ they cut themself off, glancing at the other phantoms. “Um, I mean. What’s up?”
Julie gives him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay, Wills. I’m gonna tell them.”
Willie nods and pulls Alex over to the couch.
“Tells us what?” Luke asks. He drops Reggie to the ground with a loud thud and crosses to Julie. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay,” Julie says softly. “Reggie might not be, though.”
Reggie groans from the floor behind the coffee table and raises a thumbs up. “I’m good.”
Julie helps him up from the ground and he settles onto the couch next to Alex. She goes back to Flynn and takes their hand, then turns to face her phantoms.
“So, um,” she begins, “I’m not really sure how to start this. I wanted to tell you guys…” she glances at Flynn, who gives her an encouraging nod. Julie nods back and takes a deep breath. “I wanted to tell you guys that I’m gender-fluid.”
There’s a moment of stunned silence, and then Reggie’s face lights up.
“One of us,” he chants.
The others quickly snap out of their stupor and join in.
“One of us! One of us!”
Flynn groans and drops her forehead onto Julie’s shoulder.
“They’re all the same,” they whine.
“Guys!” Julie calls, silencing them. “Does this mean you’re cool with it?”
“Of course we are,” Alex says quickly. “I’m really happy for you, Jules.” He pauses, then adds, “Wait, are you still okay with Jules?”
“Yeah,” Julie nods, playing with her necklace. “I’m keeping my name. But my pronouns… kind of change? Depending on how I feel. So I was thinking I could just tell you guys when they change?”
“I can make you bracelets!” Reggie says instead of answering. He charges up to Julie and wraps his thumb and forefinger around her wrist, presumably to measure it.
“Um, what?” Julie giggles.
“To tell us your pronouns!” Reggie says, like it’s obvious. “I can make you different colors for different pronouns so we know which ones you’re using.”
He sounds so excited about it, it brings genuine tears to Julie’s eyes. “Thanks, Reg. That would be great.”
“What are your pronouns right now?” Luke asks.
“She/her,” Julie says. She pauses, chewing at her lip. “Are… are you and I good?”
Before she can blink, Luke’s arms are around her.
“Of course we are, Jules.”
“You really don’t mind I’m not a girl all the time?”
“Are you kidding?” Luke asks. “Now I can say I have the most amazing girlfriend and boyfriend and partner in the world! There’s no one better!”
Alex clears his throat coldly, wrapping a possessive arm around Willie’s waist. “Actually, I think I’ve got you beat there.”
“Sorry, bro,” Luke says with a grin, “I like my girlfriend-boyfriend better than yours.”
“Fair enough,” Willie shrugs, and Alex softens.
“Yeah,” he admits, “Julie’s the best.”
“Thanks guys,” Julie says. “This means a lot to me.”
“Thanks for trusting us with it,” Alex says.
“Yeah,” Reggie says. “Now we’re finally a cis-free band!”
“I bet Luke’s already writing a song about it in his head,” Flynn teases.
Luke, who had admittedly looked a bit zoned out, snaps his attention back to the conversation. “What?” He scoffs. “No…”
“Uh huh,” Julie smirks. “So let me know when you want to workshop it.”
Luke blushes and looks away. “Yeah, okay.”
Julie stands up on her tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Not right now, though,” she says. “Right now I really want to cuddle.”
“Dibs on the middle!” Reggie says, leaping off the couch.
Alex catches him before he can get very far. “Nope, you know the rules. You come out, you get the middle.”
Reggie pouts, but slinks over to Julie and wraps his arms around her anyways. “Fine,” he mutters. “You can have the middle.”
Julie giggles and presses a kiss to his temple. “We’ll both be in the middle.”
“Deal,” Reggie grins. He gives her a kiss on the temple back. “We love you, you know.”
“Yeah, I do,” Julie says. She’s never doubted it for a second, but after tonight, there’ll never be the possibility of doubting that again.