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Despite common misconceptions, retaining a mortal form was incredibly draining, so one day, Rex Lapis took a nap in his exuvia form on the top of the giyue plains, finally fucking resting for once in his shitty long life, tired of everyone’s bullshit. But Celestia had other plans for him, no he wasn’t about to get any rest, Celestia wouldn’t allow it.
“Oh my god Xia, why do we have to hike here? We could've been sitting at home and drinking osmanthus wine or something! I get that you're obsessed with Liyue adepti history but W H Y do you have to rope me into this nonsense.”
“Monsters and adepti alike are more interesting than sitting at home Liao! All you do is sleep like a pig at home anyways, wouldn’t hurt for you to get a bit of exercise would it? Geez..”
“Shut up nerd! This is so dumb that Rex Lapis would probably appear in front of you just to fucking scold you for this! Geez I wish rex lapis would just-”
And lo and behold, Rex Lapis just... sleeping? Right in front of their naked eyes.
“WHAT THE!-”
“Oh my god he is fucking alive… YOUR BULLSHIT REVIVED HIM.”
“We- we have to tell the Qixing!”
“Damn right we do, FLEE before he kills us for your stupidity”
And unsurprisingly, news and rumours spread around Liyue quickly, people were gossiping about it everywhere in Liyue, soon enough hundreds of thousands of people gathered in the Giyue plains to see Rex Lapis and confirm the rumours for themselves.
“He-he's alive!”
“B-but we saw him die! There is no way!”
“Am I dreaming?’
“Someone needs to wake him up!”
Rex lapis moved. And everyone immediately shut their asses up. Being the grandpa he is, Rex Lapis gave a drowsy yawn and without another glance around him, he transformed back to the consultant Zhongli, completely oblivious to his surroundings.
“I seem to have accidentally slept for a bit too long. I will have to give my apologies to HuTao.”
“WHEEZE. YEAH NO NEED, IM RIGHT FUCKING HERE.”
He turned around.
“Shit…”
Half of liyue was g a p i n g, mouths hanging out idiotically and gawking at Zhongli dumbly.
At the back. Keqing fainted, Hutao was wheezing, Childe was laughing like crazy while most of Liyue had all sorts of weapons in their hands, attempting to hit Hutao and Childe for daring to laugh in the absolute holy presence of their almighty Rex Lapis.
There was a momentary pause before an UPROAR as everything went into complete chaos.
“WAS THIS A TEST ALL LONG!?”
“OH MY GOD I TOUCHED REX LAPIS ONCE!! I AM NEVER WASHING MY HAND AGAIN!”
“WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON!”
“SHIT SOMEONE JUST FAINTED- IS THAT KEQING?! QUICK SOMEONE CALL BAIZHU FOR KEQING!! THERE IS BLOOD COMING OUT OF HER NOSE!”
In a foolishly futile attempt to calm everyone down, Zhongli attempted to explain.
“I- this is a misunderstanding-”
His explanation was immediately cancelled out by the choruses of hectic screaming.
“REX LAPIS WE KNEW YOU WERE NOT DEAD! YOU WOULD NEVER DO US LIKE THATI KNEW IT!”
“PLEASE COME BACK MY LORD. THE QIXING ARE DYING DUE TO THE AMOUNT OF WORK WAS DUMPED ON US!”
“No- I was hoping to retire-”
GASP. Everyone fell silent once more. People exchanged glances between each other, those who were wailing on the top of their lungs stopped and Keqing who had supposingly fainted woke up again to stare at Zhongli.
“DID WE DO SOMETHING WRONG? I AM SORRY FOR ALL MY SINS I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON MY WIFE AGAIN!!”
“OH NO!! REX LAPIS HAS GIVEN UP ON US! ARE WE REALLY THAT USELESS? THE QIXING HAS FAILED!”
“ARE YOU SICK?? IS REX LAPIS SICK??? SOMEONE CALL THE TOP MEDICS, FUCK KEQING!”
“THE REX LAPIS HAS SPOKEN IM BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS HE IS!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM SO HIC- TOUCHED SOB!! ”
“OH MY GOD IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE HARBINGER! THAT ONE STUPID GINGER.”
While basically fifty medics ran up the mountain in god speed, dashing so fast they could rival sonic, Zhongli was fucking panicking for once in his life. Absolutely confused with his 6000 years old rotten grandpa brain.
“I do not understand the commotion. May you all just simply treat me as Zhongli? As Keqing has said before, the age of the adepti is long gon-”
The moment Keqing heard the first letter of her name come out of Rex Lapis’ mouth Keqing teleported in front of Zhongli.
“I- thank you. Surely you would understand Keqing”
Nodding her head furiously, Keqing had literal stars in her eyes.
“MHMHMHM!! YEAH YEAH WHATEVER YOU SAY SHALL BE THE TRUTH! CAN I GET AN AUTOGRAPH??”
“I- i could really use some osmanthus wine right now”
THE ENTIRE CROW IMMEDIATELY GOES INSANE. OSMANTHUS WINE WAS THROWN AROUND AND RAINING FUCKING EVERYWHERE. THERE WERE PEOPLE WITH WINE SOAKED FROM HEAD TO TOE AND PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT A HOSE WITH WINE COMING OUT OF IT. EVEN THE FUCKING MEDICS WERE BRINGING OUT WINE FROM OUT OF SEEMINGLY NOWHERE.
“TAKE MINE MORAX!”
“I TOTALLY DIDN’T SPIT IN MY WINE IT’S COMPLETELY SAFE!”
“I HAVE THE FINEST WINE FROM MONDSTAT MY LORD!”
“DRINK THE WINE FROM MY MOUTH MORAX DADDY!”
Completely fed up, Morax did yet another thing that he has never done in his entire life. READERS HE RAN THE FUCK AWAY.
Transforming into his exuvia form once more, he fled back to liyue. Hoping people would calm down by the time they went back- wait did someone throw their underpants???? Zhongli sighed, hope for humanity was truly lost. Horniness has won this battle. Why would people even simp for a 6000 years old being anyways? (looking at you readers)
Zhongli landed in Wangshen funeral parlor, Hutao was somehow already there, probably went back to get coffins just in case anyone dies of a heart attack.
“Hutao… It was truly not my intention to fool yo-”
“Can we sell Zhongli coffins? You can be our banner boy! The mascot!”
“... no.”
Done with his failed retirement plan he walks defeatedly to his room, ignoring Hutao’s cries behind him, he hopped into the shower and sighed again, finally feeling relaxed with the hot wate- wait, something didn’t feel right… Zhongli frowned and turned around ONLY TO BE MET WITH AN UNCOUNTABLE AMOUNT OF EYES PEEPING AT HIM, SOME EVEN DROOLING AT THE SIGHT OF HIS BODY. HOW DID THEY EVEN OPEN THE CURTAIN? MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW DID THEY GET IN- As that question popped into his mind, Zhongli spotted several people holding a chainsaw in the crowd and a poorly battered down door.
Deciding to not question anything anymore at this point, Zhongli put up a stone pillar and walked back to change, he locked himself inside a shell of geo and took a long,,, long well-deserved nap.
The next day, he woke up, and wished he didn’t, he prayed to celestia that people have calmed down but deep inside he knew that none of that was possible, though he chose to neglect reality for the sake of his mental health. Zhongli unwillingly got up, he carefully removed the geo wall he had made and went back into the bathroom to brush his teeth, relieved to see that nobody was waiting for him there, he stepped inside,dodging the glass on the floor, maybe today will really be bett- hold up, DODGING THE GLASS ON THE FLOOR? Zhongli immediately turned his head and glanced around the room only to find that THE GODDAMN WINDOW WAS BROKEN, SHATTERED INTO MILLION PIECES CRUELLY.
Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, Zhongli hesitantly peeked into the corridor from his bathroom, just checking if anyone was waiting for him. Thankfully, it seemed normal, with only HuTao doing her usual thing.
“HuTao, it seems someone has broken in, we should check if any valuables have been stolen.”
“HEHE, Nope! It is all fine! Don't worry, I checked! I don't suggest going outside though!”
Hutao was snickering… and Zhongli felt shivers down his spine, this was not a good sign.
Opening the door. He wished he didn't, even over the large crowd around him he could hear those damned cursed words that he would do anything to unhear.
“GET YOUR REX LAPIS BATH WATER HERE! ONLY ONE BOTTLE LEFT!”
“THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND MORA!”
“FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND MORA!”
“SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND MORA!”
“SOLD! THE REX LAPIS BATH WATER NOW BELONGS TO KEQING!”
“YES! ANOTHER TO ADD TO MY FINE COLLECTION! I CAN'T WAIT TO SMELL IT LATER AT HOME!”
Oh celestia did he wish he didn't wake up today.
Skillfully jumping over the crowd, he took a beeline to Wangshu inn, hoping to seek out some emotional stability from Xiao. Surely people would be calmer there from living with an adepti?
None of Zhongli’s wishes were answered, even though he was an Archon, Celestia hated him, people in the inn were not any better. Clinging onto his last meaningless wish, he thought that maybe at least Xiao would calm the people down. With his authority, he summoned the mighty Yaksha, hoping that he would regain control over the crowd and somehow calm the situation down.
Zhongli has been through a lot of things, he could fend off gods and archons, destroy armies with a swipe of his arm, he had a lot of power that people would beg for a fraction of, but his powers aren’t idiot proof, therefore dealing with these dumb thick headed citizens? Nope, he is completely useless. That's why he only comes down once a year.
It was always Guizhong’s speciality. Not his, never his. Thankfully Xiao’s here t-
“MY LORD! I'M DELIGHTED TO HEAR THAT YOU HAVE COME OVER YOUR EMO GRANDPA PHASE AND COME BACK TO GUARD LIYUE ONCE MORE, I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE QIXING WERE GOOD ENOUGH! I HAVE ALREADY CONTACTED BARBATOS OF THIS DEVLOPMENT”
Seeing Xiao being so delighted for once, the entire Wangshu inn went insane, emo boy no longer! Oh celestia. He just wanted to fucking retire.