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It had been another long day for Taehyung.
He sighed as he stared at the water droplets chasing one another down the cab window. Outside, autumnal rain pummeled down the night streets of Seoul-merciless and relentless. Inside, Taehyung leaned back and stretched his neck to the side, feeling the fatigue deep in his muscles. Lately, all his days had been the same. Long, exhausting, directionless, meaningless.
He closed his eyes as the cab driver turned on the car radio. A slow ballad crooned out of the speakers. A gentle melody, a voice that sounded both sad and hopeful - singing about love for a faraway lover. Taehyung breathed out and tried to find momentary solace in the music. They sang about relentless miles separating them from their lover. About the cold winter, dark skies, snowflakes and heartbreak. Taehyung felt a tear slip out of his eye and he jolted awake.
He wondered about the irony. He wondered how emotional distance could overbear physical distance— how you’re one step away from embracing someone but you can’t— you don’t.
The long hours at work, the stress of taking over his father’s position at the company had weighed heavier than ever in the past few days, and Taehyung didn’t remember the last time he had shared even a simple meal with Seokjin. Yet, the latter would not complain. Every “Not today, very busy, sorry hyung,” was responded to with an “It’s okay, Taehyung-ah. Take care of yourself.”
Days were whooshing past like stormy winds, and Taehyung was drifting along. Clinging to whatever little he found and praying that it lead him to someplace better. But was it worth it? To run, despite everything? To force himself to drift along and never take shelter? He had always been afraid, after all.
He had always been afraid— of being slower than the others, of being left behind, of letting people down.
It wasn’t worth it.
We run because we want to chase happiness. We run because we’re afraid that stopping would mean missing a train that leads to a different place- a better place. But what about the beauty of where we already are?
As the cab driver turned around a corner that took Taehyung closer to his house, to the same old loneliness and deliberate isolation, he felt the edges of his thoughts grow sharper. He felt the fog clear out, and a realisation dawned upon him.
He didn’t want to let go of the present to chase a future he wasn’t even sure he wanted.
“Excuse me, I’d like to change the destination’s address please”
___________
When Taehyung punched in the code to Seokjin’s apartment, inside it was silent and dark. He turned on the dimmest foyer lamp, kept away his shoes and entered. He could see a sliver of light sneaking out of Seokjin’s room.
He creaked the door open to find Seokjin sleeping on the bed, the lamp switched on, a pile of books on the bedside table.
I wonder what book he’s reading these days.
I wonder how he’s doing these days.
It took Taehyung no longer than five minutes to change into Seokjin’s spare pyjamas and get into bed next to him. After sending a text calling in sick the next day, he got under the covers and looked at Seokjin, who was still fast asleep. Taehyung smiled to himself at how heavy a sleeper he was.
As he looked at Seokjin’s sleepy features, he wondered how he was doing lately. Wasn’t it a pity that he had no idea how his boyfriend was doing? Taehyung felt the sinking feeling from the cab ride return, so he crept closer to the elder, slung an arm across his waist, making sure not to jostle him. Seokjin being the heavy sleeper that he was, merely shifted a little before his breaths evened out again.
When Taehyung hugged the elder and closed his own eyes, he was hit with a wave of comfort. The comfort he had been longing for, the sense of security he thought he had lost. All those emotions came rushing over him, he felt his body relax, thoughts clear out just a little.
How fascinating it is, that simply being next to your loved one can fill you with a sense of being- can give meaning to your existence.
This time, Taehyung didn’t try to stop the tears from spilling. He sobbed silently as he felt Seokjin’s warm breaths hit his own cheek. He tried to resonate his own exhales and inhales with the other’s, to create a symphony that would lull him to sleep. Tears moistened the pillow under his head, and he wiped at his cheek but let them flow.
When the tears dried out, he opened his eyes to look at Seokjin. As he traced the lines under his eyes, the apple of his cheek, the curve of his lips and the slight pout that covered them, he realised that he wanted nothing else. As long as he had him, he was content. Complete.
It had been an exhausting day— Taehyung wanted to rest. And more than anything, he wanted to make sure Seokjin didn’t wake up. But the feelings in his heart were gushing out and he needed to get closer, closer, closer. He gave in and kissed Seokjin.
It was a gentle, barely-there touch, just a brief moment of intimacy- a touch on Seokjin’s lower lip- yet it made Taehyung’s heart beat faster.
God, he loved him.
When he slid back to look at Seokjin’s face, he was smiling. Taehyung broke into a smile, too, expecting Seokjin to wake up and chide him for creeping up on him like that, but the elder was still asleep, the small smile still sitting on his lips, a calm contented look on his face.
Taehyung didn’t remember the last time he had seen Seokjin smile in his sleep. And he decided not to keep himself from this anymore— this love, this happiness, this comfort— he wouldn’t push it away anymore. Seokjin didn’t deserve that. They didn’t deserve that.
So when Taehyung kissed Seokjin the second time, heart brimming more than ever with emotions unnamed, he expected Seokjin to keep sleeping still— and when he looked, he was smiling, but he was smiling at him.
“You’re finally awake?” Taehyung teased as he swooped in again to peck at Seokjin’s chin.
“You’re finally here,” Seokjin answered in a raspy voice, distantly tinged with something that twisted Taehyung’s insides. He wanted to apologise but knew that it would make Seokjin feel worse, so he just held the elder tighter, hoping that it would bridge the gap, hoping that it would tell him that he was sorry, that he would never let go again.
“Oh uri Taehyung-ie, you work so hard,” Seokjin’s concerned voice caught him unawares. Taehyung felt his eyes well up again.
“Are— are you mad at me, hyung?” he asked timidly, despite himself.
Seokjin immediately tutted and even in the darkness, there was visible a painful look in his eyes as he brought a hand up to card through Taehyung’s hair.
“Oh, baby. Can I ever be mad at you?”
Taehyung sniffled, Seokjin shushed him and stroked his cheek.
“I’m not upset, Tae. Just— concerned,” he continued, “I’m very glad you came.”
Taehyung lifted his face to look at Seokjin’s, and for the second time that day, he felt the fog clear out. There was belief and trust in Seokjin’s eyes, and Taehyung tried to mirror it— be strong for his sake.
“Hyung,” he wiped at his tears and burrowed his face in Seokjin’s shoulder, “I took the day off tomorrow.”
“Good. You deserve it,”
And Taehyung believed him. Something that felt so good could never be wrong.
“I’m very proud of you. You know that, right?”
Taehyung wanted to cry again. He had been crying a lot lately.
“Aigooo, are you crying again?” Seokjin smiled as he pulled Taehyung back and brought their foreheads together. But before Taehyung could reply, he spoke again.
“It’s okay. You can cry, just don’t cry alone.”
Taehyung sobbed till he had no more tears left. Seokjin held him and carried him through it. After a while, Taehyung spoke again.
“Hyung,”
“Mm?”
“Did you know that you smiled in your sleep when I kissed you?” Taehyung whispered against Seokjin’s lips, even as he tried to hide a shy smile himself.
“Did I?” Seokjin kissed him as he spoke, Taehyung broke into giggles.
“Well, that just means,” he punctuated every word with a kiss to Taehyung’s lips, cheek, chin, nose, forehead— “that I love you a little too much.”
Taehyung's thoughts drifted back to the cab ride and the song that was playing. He held Seokjin in his arms, let himself be kissed, played with his hair, held him closer, closer, closer.
“Not more than me,”
“I know.”
Taehyung breathed out and they went to sleep tangled in each other’s arms. Just as Seokjin was on the brink of slumber, Taehyung planted a kiss on his lips and the elder giggled into his mouth, Taehyung echoed his laughter with his own and his heart danced with it, sang along to it.
It was going to get better, he could feel it in his bones.