Archive of Our Own

Inej didn’t quite know how the convoluted friendship between her and Kaz Brekker started. Nor did she know where they stood now. Well, at least she didn’t know where they stood figuratively. 

Literally, they were standing in front of a new DeKappel in the Ketterdam Institute of Fine Arts’s north gallery. Kaz had said he was taking her there to look at a limited exhibit of Suli silks, but it was now evident he had ulterior motives.

 So, Inej didn’t know where they stood. 

They had spent over an hour looking at that exhibit, him asking her questions and acting as if he was genuinely interested in her culture. He had paid her admission and had even brought her favorite tea when he came to pick her up. But now, it was clear that Kaz Brekker had a job for her. At the very least, she would make some good money and invest in a better pair of climbing shoes. Maybe that would force her to forget how Kaz seemed as though he might actually experience human emotions. Perhaps those would remind her that the two of them were just friends, and there was no great future awaiting her in Ketterdam. 

Perhaps investing her time and energy into improving her skillset would allow her to forget about her feelings for Kaz Brekker. Allow her to tuck them away, a forgotten secret like all of the other ones she has stolen for Kaz. She’s well aware that he won’t feel the same. He really doesn’t need to know. 

Still, that didn’t stop her heart from doing a flip when he turned back to her, with a crooked smile on his face, and in a conspiratorial tone, whispers, 

“Do you want to steal it?” 

-

One would think that having a prosperous criminal career would make university irrelevant. But Inej knew why she was here. After all, she couldn’t always be a criminal, and the only other criminal she knew studied economics at the same university. 

“Really, Kaz, business? You abhor businessmen!” 

They were sitting in his room—him at the desk and her at the windowsill overlooking the canal.

“It isn’t business. Its economics,” Kaz scoffed, “ And, I don’t abhor businessmen. I practically am one.” 

“You are the furthest thing from a businessman, Kaz,” 

“Really? I do all the same work. I’m just on the other side of the law.” 

“Which makes you a criminal,” She said pointedly. He just looked at her. 

“Well then,” He said slowly, “you’re my accomplice.”

“Never mind,” She tried to ignore the ‘my’ in his statement, although she supposed the accomplice canceled it out. “I think I like you better as an economist. ”

And that’s why they were in the library, at almost ten bells. Inej had come alone earlier in the day, curling up in an armchair that was far too big and starting on her English paper which was due the following week. Kaz had found her some three hours in and immediately sat down across from her, working on some macro project. She could feel his eyes following her as she stood up, stretching, and began to gather her things. 

“Leaving so soon?” Inej could hear the rasp in his voice. He must be tired. 

“I’ve been here for hours, Kaz.” She stifled a yawn, “I want to rest.” 

“Hmm,” He faked a frown. “I can’t do rest, but I can do food. Want to go to the hutspot place just over by the Lid?” 

Of course, he would want to take her to the darker side of Ketterdam’s streets for some potatoes. She was almost going to say no. Say she was going home to her and Nina’s cramped but cozy apartment to sleep away her stress.

Inej swears she was going to say no, but he looks up at her, and there is something so foreign and almost hopeful in his expression, with so little malice behind it, that she couldn’t help but sigh and say, 

“I’m not buying.” 

-

Kaz has a house off of one of the canals, just outside the university district. It’s an unsuspecting house; it even has a back garden with a wooden gate. Kaz shares it with four other students from the university. Inej doesn’t think they know that it’s Kaz’s name on the deed and not some stuffy old landlord. Somehow she doesn’t think they’d be pleased to find that out. Although to be fair, she often isn’t delighted with Kaz, especially when he texts her at two in the morning asking if she can make just one stop at his place before she heads home with Nina. Inej doesn’t even know how Kaz knows she and Nina went out with Jesper. He just does . 

Kaz keeps his bedroom in the attic for some self-sabotaging reason. The stairs really aren’t suitable for his leg. But, it means she doesn’t have to go through the house to get in. Since Kaz has his four housemates, she lets Jesper leave her at the garden gate and twists the lock in just the right way to get it to open with a pop. 

Instead, she kicks off her heels and proceeds to climb a cleverly placed trellis that coincidently leads to the attic window. She usually does this climb in a sweatshirt and leggings. She forgot that today, she would have to do it in a dress. Inej wouldn’t wish to set her Saints against anyone, but Kaz tends to make her want to curse him. At the very least, he left the window open for her. 

He’s sitting at his desk, his bad leg stretched out beneath it, face lit only by his computer light. He doesn’t even spare Inej a glance as she crawls in. 

“You’re always invited, you know,” She says as she reaches back to close the window. “You don’t have to sit here in the dark all of the time.” 

Now he looks up. But Inej knows she is imagining things when his eyes appear to linger around the hem of her dress. It’s just the computer light playing tricks on her eyes. She glances away and looks back at his face. 

“I know,” He’s smirking. “But then I wouldn’t have access to the security cameras surrounding the DeKappel.”

She wants to roll her eyes. She does roll her eyes. Then she pulls up the spare chair Kaz keeps in there just for her, looks down at the screen with him, and tries to ignore the fact that he doesn't move away despite them sitting very close to each other. 

So she sits and listens to his scheme, offering the odd interjection when he has clearly overestimated her abilities, and they go on like that for hours. Dawn is close to rising on the horizon when she stretches her arms out and yawns. 

“Come on,” He says softly. “I’ll walk you home.” 

She looks up at him. He’s already grabbed his coat and cane, and he’s holding her heels in his other hand. This isn’t an offer he’s expecting her to decline. And maybe that’s why she pushes past the flutter in her chest and the voice in her head screaming at her that it’s only platonic, it’s for his own gain, Kaz always has a reason. Nina is going to be so smug. 

She pushes past all of that, and she smiles softly and says, 

“Okay.” 

- 

It started with a headache. Then the headache led to a fever and a whole host of other symptoms. When Nina came home the next morning to find her vomiting into the toilet, Inej finally accepted that she was sick. She never gets sick. 

And Nina, being pre-med, takes every opportunity she can get to practice. Inej has never felt so coddled in her life. Her parents were performers. If they got sick, they got better just as quickly and went on with the show. And in between then and now, well, Inej hadn’t received much love there. . . 

But Nina was relentless. And soon, Inej is inundated with piles of blankets, cold compresses, pain medication, and a saint-forsaken want-to-be doctor who makes terrible soup. But it’s not like she can go anywhere. She’ll admit that she is in no condition for that. So, Inej makes do with listening to Nina regale the heated debates she and her Fjerdan classmate are constantly getting into. When Nina needs a break, she listens to Jesper talk about his flirtations with the scrappy but cute redhead in his chem class. 

It wasn’t a conscious decision not to tell Kaz she was sick. She just texted him asking him to reschedule what little plans they had that week and gave a half-assed excuse when he asked why. Inej honestly didn’t think the change would even affect Kaz, though she selfishly thought that she wanted it to. 

It’s not until a few days after her initial symptoms that she even realizes. It’s when she’s supposed to be sleeping but can’t because her head just hurts . The door to her room is open, and Jesper is sprawled across the hallway talking on speakerphone (does he ever know how to be quiet?) to Kaz. She sits up in bed, and Jesper takes notice, standing and leaning in her doorway all while maintaining the conversation. And then, it happens. 

“Have you heard from Inej lately?” 

Her heart stops. Inej doesn’t know if she has ever heard Kaz ask after anyone. She didn’t realize Kaz cared to. And that’s when she realizes that she does not want Kaz to know anything about her being sick. She starts vehemently shaking her head at Jesper, making her nausea one hundred times worse. But Kaz can’t know. 

“Jes?” 

“Uh, sorry. Yeah, no, I haven’t heard from her a ton,” Jesper looks so beyond confused, and Saints, he is such a terrible liar. He’s glaring at her, which means he knows it too. “She had that one class that was stressing her out, though, you know? It’s probably just that.”

“Yeah, I guess.” 

“Yeah,” The silence between the two of them was droning on. Inej wanted to bury herself under her blankets again to escape it. 

“Well, I’ll talk to you some other time then,” Kaz said.

“Yeah, we’ll talk.” And Jesper promptly hung up the phone. Inej waits for one beat, two. Maybe Jesper won’t question it. Hopefully, he’ll let it slide and leave her be. But that’s never the case. 

“Care to explain why I just had to lie to one of my best friends on behalf of my other best friend?” He drawls out. 

“Honestly?” He nods. “No, Jes. I don’t really want to.” 

“Okay,” He sighs. “You get a pass because you’re sick. But, I don’t think I did anything to help you.”

She looks up at him sharply.

“I’m a shit liar, Inej.” She winces. “Also, I lived with Kaz for two years. If anyone is going to catch me in a lie, it’s him.”

“I know, thank you,” Inej pauses. “I just needed to buy some time.” 

“Listen, I don’t know what in the hell you two have going on,” He knocks a pillow off of her bed. Jesper has a habit of gesticulating wildly when he speaks. “But, you shouldn’t keep secrets from him. He doesn’t deserve that. And neither do you.” 

She lies back down. Her headache is worse again, and the head-shaking really did not help her health one bit. Jesper pulls the covers back up to her chin. She is going to go mad with all of the coddling. 

“Just try and sleep, Inej.” He says softly. “Nina will kill me if you don’t.” 

-

Inej awakens groggily to someone sliding open her window and slipping through the entrance in one smooth movement. She’s just about to scream for Nina with what little voice she has left when she catches sight of gloved hands and a black cane. 

“Tell me you did not just climb my fire escape, Kaz,” She croaks out. He looks pissed, and she can’t help but feel guilty. 

“Don’t even try to speak since you obviously can’t,” He says—his tone stings. “You’re sick? You drop off the map for a week, Inej, with no explanation. Not one word besides “something came up,” and it’s because you’re sick? ” 

Inej can’t think. She feels a bit better, but her head is still pounding, so she says the only thing that comes to mind. 

“You don’t like sickbeds,” 

He looks murderous. She couldn’t tell if it was because of him or her. 

“So lying is the best option?” 

“To be fair, I didn’t lie.”

“No, you made Jesper lie,” 

“I’m surprised it took you two days to figure it out,” 

“It took me two minutes, ” He’s still fuming a bit, but his demeanor has changed completely. “I called Nina right after, and she told me the truth.” 

Inej stifles a groan. Of course, Nina would rat her out. She tries to pull the blanket up over her head again. If Kaz is going to scold her, at least she wouldn’t have to watch him do it. 

“I didn’t mean to attack you for this,” He says, and she lowers the blanket slightly. “I just thought you would have trusted me.”

“I do trust you,”

“Then why wouldn’t you tell me that you’re sick?” Because then you would be one step closer to figuring out my real secret. 

“As I said, you don’t like sickbeds, Kaz.”

“I don’t,” He sighed. “But I’d tolerate it for you, Inej.” 

Oh. Oh, this cannot be happening. She shouldn’t feel this way. She can’t feel this way. But she does. She’s in love with Kaz Brekker. And he can never know. 

-

There really wasn’t anything like the high that came from getting away with a crime. She knew she shouldn’t enjoy it this much. Her parents raised her better than that. Still, it felt good. Too good. But good things never last. 

And her heart dropped below her stomach, into a black pit of worry because oh no no no, Kaz will never keep her around once he finds out she is in love with him. Inej doesn’t even know if Kaz can feel love. 

Her shoulders drop--Ghafa’s normally have perfect posture--and she’s blinking back tears in the backseat of a taxi, and she knows Kaz will notice any second now. 

“Are you okay?” Kaz’s brow furrows as he looks at her. 

“I’m fine,” Lie . “It’s just a little headache.”

“Are you still sick? I knew we shouldn’t have done this until you were fully recovered.” He sounds so frustrated. With her, with himself, who knows. 

“Can we just walk back?” She asks. She’ll be better at this in the fresh air. She can maintain her composure as soon as they are out of this damn car. 

Kaz immediately taps on the screen dividing them and their driver. 

“Here’s good, sir.” 

He pays the fee while she stands outside and tries not to think about how she is going to lose it. 

“Any reason we’re walking three miles back to my house?” Inej should feel bad, making him walk on his leg, but she needed the fresh air. Had she stayed one more minute in that cab, she would have crumbled. Even now, Inej can’t answer him. She shrugs instead. 

“What?” He sounds desperate, “What’s wrong, Inej? You’re practically sobbing in the car, and now you won’t even talk to me.”

Inej takes a breath. If she’s honest, she still feels like sobbing.

“Kaz stop dancing around this,” She closes her eyes, squeezing them shut until she sees stars. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s infuriating .”

“Do what?” He sounds so panicked. It pushes her off the edge and makes her cry again.

 
“You know what,” Deep breaths. Inej just needs to take deep breaths. “Kaz, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to keep anything secret anymore. And I won’t do it.” 

“Inej,” He starts. “Inej, what secrets?”

“Don’t lie to me. That’s just cruel, Kaz.” 

“How am I being cruel?” His evident confusion and frustration punctuate each word. For someone who is supposedly one of the most brilliant people in Ketterdam, he can be so foolish. 

She looks up to the sky. Up to her saints, hoping they will give her any guidance on this. Her heart is racing, her cheeks stained with tears, and she is practically gasping for air when she screams out. 

“Because I am in love with you. And it’s awful. Because you won’t even give me a hint if you could feel the same. And I feel just so desperate and useless, and I am in love with you. And-” 

Inej breaks off, burying her head in her hands. She was going to lose Kaz. She was going to lose every late-night scheming session, every passage through his rickety garden gate, everything they shared in their friendship. All because she couldn’t stop herself from falling for Kaz Brekker. 

“You’re in love with me?” His voice is soft now, still gravelly, but there is some undertone to it that she can’t quite place. “You are in love with me ?” 

She looks at him. He’s still crouched down by the water, but he is staring up at her. And he is grinning. She watches as he rises slowly, as not to hurt his leg, but once he’s up... Once he’s up, he’s moving toward her, cane in one hand, the other reaching for her face, grinning like an idiot schoolboy. 

“It’s awful, ” Her voice breaks, and he laughs. He’s holding her face and laughing, and she thinks she’s going to have to do the whole breakdown thing all over again when he stops and looks her dead in the eye. 

“It’s wonderful ,” Kaz has never looked like this. Kaz has never looked at her like this. “It’s wonderful because I have been in love with you for the better part of two years.” 

“ What? ” 

“I said I love you, Inej,” He has an infuriating glint in his eye and a smirk on his face. “Now, isn’t that just the worst thing you’ve ever heard?”