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Caleb knows Essek has been off lately. Knowing him for more than a decade now, he has gotten truly attuned to the drow and his quirks.
They sit within Caleb's small house, and they lounge on the sofa next to a window. Caleb sets his book down, long past the point of caring to read whatever words are on the pages. To his side, lies a more important topic to analyze.
It's silent.
It wasn't an uncomfortable one, but Caleb feels himself grow concerned as he glances over to Essek who had laid his head on his shoulder. His eyes are closed. In hopes of taking a comfortable short rest, Caleb gladly offered himself as a pillow for his boyfriend.
A deep sigh escapes from the elf, and he stirs awake. Caleb didn't really expect him to fall asleep so quickly, but perhaps a new stress had entered his life. Essek still lays in the same place he was five minutes ago.
"Essek?"
"Sorry. I'm just thinking."
"You do that a lot."
A soft giggle reverberates on his skin.
Essek rolls over, so that he is looking up at the ceiling. Not at him. He speaks again, "I'm not a good person, Caleb."
"Schatz. I thought we were past this kind of thinking?"
He can see the shudder of his body, and Caleb wraps an arm around Essek.
Essek glances at him, not looking at him directly, but his body is turned to face him now.
"Seriously. I have done something horrible. You would hate me."
Caleb feels a cold chill run through his body. “Tell me, what did you do?” He keeps a steady hand on the drow’s shoulder. Essek finally makes eye contact with him. He looks at him as if he might run off.
Essek stares at Caleb, for what feels like minutes. Caleb can pinpoint exactly how long it is though. He has always counted the seconds that pass by, and each second that ticks in his head matches his heartbeat, growing louder in his ears.
The silence should be deafening, and it is a bold one.
Thirty seconds pass by.
Caleb wants to say something, but he lets Essek have his time.
The drow works his jaw, glances down quickly before readjusting himself. He looks back at Caleb, his purple eyes look tired. Older.
“I think perhaps, it might be easier to show you this,” Essek finally says, after what feels like an eternity.
They scramble off the comfortable couch, and they travel up to the upstairs portion of the house.
The room they enter is one of experimentation. For study. Research. Revelation.
Essek sighs heavily as he leans against the table, hands splayed out on the wood. He’s hunched over, as if he was still wearing the mantle that used to weigh him down once upon a time.
Caleb stands in the doorway, unsure of whether to follow or stay back. He wants him to have some space, so he chooses to stay where he was. He crosses his arms and looks over to Essek.
“I know you would be mad, but I had to do it. I missed this.”
Caleb tilts his head, letting the words process in his mind.
“Missed this, you say? We’ve seen each other for quite a few weeks now. It’s actually pretty incredible, how it has turned out.” Caleb admits.
Essek glances back at Caleb. His eyebrows sliding upward. “Ah.” His face falls.
The former shadowhand turns around and has his hands curled up. “I guess I will just say it. I’m not your Essek. I’m from the future.”
Caleb sways. “Excuse me?”
Essek deflates. He does not look away, despite the fact that now Caleb looks past him, as he is remembering the previous week. He wasn’t making eye contact a lot, he seemed exhausted. All the little pieces that seemed a bit rougher around the edges are fitting together, the more he thinks about it.
Regardless of his shock, he needs to move. Caleb moves forward. Unsure.
“I… what?”
Essek smiles. It’s not twisted, but it’s not entirely happy. “It took some centuries but.. I cracked the code. A way to return to the past safely, without even being physically there. I’m technically in my younger self’s body, but rest assured, he won’t know this happened.”
Caleb is shaking his head. He doesn't say anything, but Essek crumples at the expression that is clearly written on his beloved's face.
"You actually did it?" Caleb asks with a hint of amazement.
Essek’s face grows happy for a moment. A slight smile graces his lips. He nods slowly.
"You always wanted to move past it. For a while it was fine, I was at peace. And yet.. as time marched on, and my friends were being put to rest… I made a choice."
Caleb frowns. He's much closer now, but he hasn't taken that extra step, to get into his personal space. So now even though he could reach out and grasp his wrist, Caleb feels so distant. Something prevents him from walking more. However, he does hold out his hand to Essek.
Essek doesn't reach for it.
That makes it easier, he thinks. Caleb takes another step. Cautious. "This is.. a lot to take in. You must realize that."
"Of course. If you're worried about my younger self, you shouldn't. Our spirits are the same. I'm just taking the reins for a bit. When I return to my timeline, it's as if this never happened. Usually it works out, since no one around us is the wiser."
Caleb crosses his arms again. Essek doesn't manage to hide the sting that flashes in his eyes.
His head bows down. Caleb places a finger under his chin, lifting it up just a tiny bit.
"But now I am wiser."
Essek laughs bitterly. "Haven't you noticed some days I never go out at all? It's easier that way."
"I must say, your intelligence and ability to seek out self preservation always impressed me. Scares me even," Caleb notes.
"I feel like I'm disappointing you. Not only the future you, but you. Present you," Essek confesses.
Caleb drops his finger. Essek still lets his head tilt up to look at Caleb.
"How old are you?" Questions like this shouldn't be asked, but if Essek can break the rules, so can Caleb. And there is a small part of him that knows Essek will indulge him.
Essek blinks. "I'm partway into my fourth century."
There is no smile. No fang to poke out as a sense of pride, no importance given to it. Only an echo of a similar statement remains, buried in their minds.
Caleb inhales. His eyes are burning at the corners. Something inside him has been scratched at. Something he left behind long ago. Only now, it threatens to crawl back to the forefront.
"How badly is this timeline going to get messed up?" The pessimism doesn't mean to slip out of his mouth, but Caleb is trying desperately to not panic.
Essek shrugs. "It's been tested several times now. My temporal alteration won't cause risk. Especially not when I'm only here for a minute or two."
"You stay for such a short amount of time."
Essek smiles, this one is hollow and haunted. Caleb doesn't like it. It definitely doesn't suit him.
"Well you see, I haven't perfected it. I probably won't ever be able to. But when I cast it every day, it does get easier."
“How long have you been using this spell?”
“For your sake, it has not been very long. Only a month. And it does not work every time.”
“Not every time? Please tell me how this works. I am most curious.”
“I do owe you an explanation. My essence is formed into an echo, and it is shunted to a specific point in time. Except the spell is reasonably limited, so I cannot stay for long periods of time. It is just enough manipulation of the Weave to not cause any undue harm. Once the spell concludes, my essence is returned to the right state of time. Any past self that is a host to my present spirit is unaware of the process.”
Caleb listens to the explanation. If he wanted to, he could pretend that they were theorizing once again about time travel. The last time they have talked about it in the present, as far as he knows, was years ago.
He is like a ghost. Soon enough, he will fade away from this world. Only to go back to his original timeline. He is a ghost, haunting Caleb at the moment. Does it really bring him that much joy? As he stares at Essek, any joy that might have been gained for a second has given way to regret.
Essek is smart. And he has always been cautious. This is no exception. Caleb stays silent because he is at a loss for words.
Essek takes a deep breath.
"It is very difficult, as we know, to insert yourself physically back in a previous state of the world. If I could, of course I would just jump back through. You can call me a fool."
Before, he never thought of himself as a fool for wanting to go back in time. Foolish maybe, hopelessly so. And yet, he was determined to try. He cannot offer that damnation to Essek.
Grief is strange. One moment you can be fine, and then in just a matter of minutes you can be contemplating horrendous life decisions.
It is just like time, an ever changing, fluid, flowing concept.
“When you go back, aren’t you losing time?” He gestures to Essek's body. Surely, in the present, he would have noticed this by now. The idea of him not mentioning anything is not something he wants to think about. He will not go into a spiral.
“Oh.. no. I have been careful to go back during times when I am asleep. Obviously, the best time to take over when my body is unconscious, no?”
Something dreadful burns in Caleb’s heart. Yes. The best time indeed. Such a calculated decision, made with clear intent.
His partner does not look well. He must be feeling guilty about this situation. Essek takes a shaky breath, a storm growing behind his eyes, but he insists on talking more. "I am nothing more than a humble, selfish creature, at the end of the day."
Caleb narrows his eyes. He's staring Essek down. It's like his love has become a puzzle, and he has a burning desire to figure him all out. It twists his insides just a little bit.
He considers the words he has listened to. Something sticks out at him.
"You said you were at peace. Why come back? Surely if you could get over me, and the rest of the Nein…"
"I could never get over you. I don't want to."
The words knock both of them apparently, as Essek looks at him with so much love.
Maybe Essek isn't surprised at his own words, or the conviction behind them. Caleb is taken aback just a bit though. He grabs Essek’s wrist. He holds their hands together, loosely.
"You.. are incredible," Caleb whispers. It's reverence. He is honest here, he is impressed by this whole show. The excitement he feels does not last long, akin to being a candle in the wind. He has to get it out now. Essek closes his eyes.
Caleb closes his eyes, to savor the moment. If only he could stop time. That will not be a wish he will fulfill though.
He only counts five seconds passing by before he decides to face his fears once again.
Caleb opens his eyes, and sees that Essek still has his closed. Their hands are still joined together. A mutual agreement to comfort one another for the time being.
He wants to kiss him so bad. But right now, there are other important matters.
Caleb feels water forming at the corners of his own eyes. He blinks fast. If they fall down he doesn't notice it.
"You can't keep visiting like this. It could be dangerous." It's a horrible, but true statement.
Essek sighs. "I've taken every precaution. It's fine."
"You have so much to live for. You still have half of your life left, if you go back."
Another sigh. "I wanted to spend time with you. See you again. Seeing a grave gets tiresome after a while."
Caleb falls silent.
He listens again when Essek whispers to him, to his hands: "And even when I am brave enough to face the world, I try to remember your face. And it's difficult sometimes. I don't like that."
The tears are back. Caleb's vision is blurry.
"I'm sorry I leave you so soon. I wish there was…" he trails off. He can't continue. To make this worse would be pitiful.
"It's fine. Well. It isn't. Still. Life goes on, yes?"
"As it should. As it does," Caleb agrees.
Essek exhales shakily against his knuckles. A small, tentative kiss is placed upon the outside of his palm. Caleb accepts it.
"It has gone on. Most of the Nein are gone. Caduceus is alive."
"Careful. I don't think I should know anything more…"
"I can tell you a few more things. So you can really understand."
Essek’s hands are warm as they cradle his own shaking hand. Caleb lets him continue.
"I am living. I have found places all across Exandria and made sure to leave them better than where I found them."
This brings a smile to Caleb's face. The Mighty Nein’s moral, the one thing to live by if all else goes wrong. In the end, nothing could be more right than just trying to do better.
Essek sighs. It's worrying to hear all his pained groans and sighs. Caleb grips his hands a bit tighter.
"I won't destroy the timeline by speaking about this. Believe me."
Caleb can only nod. "You were always the expert with time."
Essek nods to this. A small grin appears on his face. It quickly fades as Essek schools himself into neutrality. His eyes are darker. Older, like he had noted before. Definitely wiser. Eyes are windows to the soul, are they not? How did he not see it before?
This is truly a man out of time.
Essek brings him back to the current reality, by squeezing his hand. They have drawn each other closer, like gravity is forcing them together again.
They don't mind it.
Even if he is disappointed, Caleb can't help but also feel pride at Essek, for being able to do such a feat. It feels right and wrong all at the same time.
Caleb stares at him. Essek flushes.
"I even.. I found someone else." His voice trembles at the very end as if he is telling something that could be catastrophic.
It is purely ironic that it feels that way. His very presence here could be disastrous. And yet, against all odds Essek proves to be a unique and powerful soul.
"Someone else?" Caleb asks gently.
Essek nods quickly. "I'm not alone. I don't think I'll ever be alone. The Mighty Nein made sure of that. You all really have changed me for good."
"I'm glad to hear it." He is also glad to hear that Essek isn't alone. It is a fear that grips him on his worst days. Try as he might, he can't help but be concerned for his dearest friend when the time comes to take him to rest.
And looks like he was right to be concerned.
"If there's someone else… why are you here?"
"Isn't it obvious? I love them, I really do. You must understand though. You will always mean so much to me. I will never be able to stop loving you, Caleb Widogast."
Caleb watches as Essek drifts up near his face, and kisses his cheek. Time seems to slow as Essek glides back down, but it's just the elf who is moving very slowly.
Caleb can't help but stare after him.
Essek looks like he is going to break, and Caleb hates it. He dives in.
He plants his mouth onto Essek's, and nothing between them matters at the moment. It's just them.
Essek responds enthusiastically, letting himself be completely open to Caleb. Caleb chases after him like a thirst bringing him to a water source. All of his emotions are tumbling about, and he needs to make sure Essek knows just how he feels. All of it, the good and the bad.
The kiss is deep, and is just as passionate as any of their other kisses. It strangely feels freeing.
In a brief moment, he wonders about Essek's future partner. He can only hope that they can forgive this transgression.
The need for air gets to them, and Essek looks so debauched. They stare at each other in pure silence. Reality crashes down on them as they accept who is standing before the other. The weight of Essek's choices seems suffocating.
Essek closes his eyes and ten seconds later, he opens them. Blinking. Then confusion crosses over.
"Schatz?"
Essek looks around the room and back to Caleb. "Yeah? Are you okay?"
Caleb raises an eyebrow. "Ja. Are you?"
Essek swallows. He leans away from the table. "I think so.. I just wonder.. I don't remember coming up here?"
It hits him like lightning. The voice is gentler. Those eyes that are looking at him questioningly, they are bright. So bright and so much-
younger.
"Caleb?" What's going on?"
Caleb raises a hand, grabbing Essek's forearm. His quick thinking never fails him. He shakes his head with assurance. "Sorry if I spaced out there. I was thinking about my book from earlier but then you kind of.. took me out of it."
The lie feels like sludge. Caleb hasn't lied to Essek in years. It feels wrong to do this now. He can only curse one person for this misdeed.
Essek chuckles. "I knew I could take down your mental faculties enough with my charm."
"You are quite dangerous, Herr Thelyss."
Essek scratches the back of his head, somewhat still in mild confusion but also embarrassment at Caleb's sentiment.
"How did we get up here though? I seriously don't remember coming-"
"I didn't want to alarm you, but you did sleepwalk."
"Huh?"
"You fell asleep on my shoulder downstairs, and then you got up! I followed you to make sure nothing would befall you."
"That makes sense. It did feel like I just fell asleep." Essek looks away, his eyes narrowing. It does look like he is forgetting something though. Well.
Maybe it is better that way. Maybe that something isn't that important.
Caleb guides him out of the room.
"You must have really wanted to try out a new spell, too bad you were asleep."
"I'm glad you pulled me out of it, because otherwise the results could have been deadly. Though I do wonder.. Can spells be done during a nap?"
"Maybe we will have to test it out someday, but right now I would very much like to cuddle with you," Caleb says. He is very, very tired now.
Essek smiles at him. "I would like that very much. One question though."
"Ja?"
"Why did you kiss me to wake me up? Surely there could have been an easier way."
"Ah… I guess I got ahead of myself. You know I love you, right?"
Essek blinks at him. The blush creeps back in. An ear twitches. "Of course. I love you too."
"Gut. Also, please tell me if that was out of line. Technically you were asleep so maybe that was-"
"No! You have my consent to kiss me during my sleeping hours. Not when I trance though."
Caleb laughs. "You don't trance much when you're with me."
"That is true.. sleeping is a luxury that I have become accustomed to. I think I get why humans like it so much."
"Don't get used to it though. I would kill to only have to rest my mind for 4 hours."
Now Essek is the one laughing. "You already do that some days. I worry."
The two finally climb back downstairs and onto the couch.
Essek yawns. "I was actually tired though. Maybe I should go back to sleep. A nap, if you will."
Elves taking naps. Who would have thought. It would cause amusement usually, but now it just ignites a small spark of anger within Caleb.
For about a month, if he was telling the truth, all these times Essek has been lounging about, his future self has been sneaking his way into his old life. Taking small moments for himself. Can he truly blame him for taking the temptation? He is not sure how to feel about it.
As Essek falls asleep on his shoulder, he gives up on trying to read his book. Whatever is on this page pales in comparison to this new revelation. His mind drifts off to uneasy thoughts about what just occurred. A sinking pit settles in his stomach.
Was that the last time he will see Essek from the future? How much has the future version seen of this past life? He didn’t even say goodbye. Did he run out of time at long last?
He wants to go to sleep. Forget about the last hour. What matters is that Essek is here. He has so many questions, and needs so many answers.
He stays up for a long time.