Chapter Text
‘Allow me to ask - are there still fireflies in Yunmeng?’ Lan Xichen writes. He has been meditating on the exact way to frame his question for a long time. The impact of seeing those words in black ink now presses like a physical weight on his chest.
‘ Though such long time has passed, I hold fond memories of Jiangling to this day.’
Lan Xichen reads the whole letter several more times.
If he does not remember anymore - after all, almost 20 years have passed since that night - nothing is lost, he then tells himself, and before he can change his mind again, he seals the paper.
XXX
Lan Xichen lifts his feet higher, as the grass gets deeper. He strolls aimlessly, enjoying the calmness and natural beauty surrounding him. Who would have thought that it could feel this peaceful, only months after the fire raged and burned almost everything to the ground?
The only sounds are those of frogs croaking in the distance, and crickets chirping in the trees surrounding the meadow. And the soft swish-swish-swish of robes brushing plants, closing in behind him.
“If you go any further, you will stand knee-deep in the mudd.”
He turns around, unsurprised by the sight of Jiang Cheng coming towards him. The lantern he holds is a beacon in the dark field, just like his own must be to him. As he approaches, the two circles of warm yellow merge together.
“You are walking right into the swamp, Lan-zongzhu.”
Lan Xichen looks around curiously. To him there is no difference in the landscape, it all looks the same. But of course, someone who has spent his whole life here would know.
“Then I am glad you came just in time to spare me that experience.”
He smiles and in the low light he can see a reflection of it on the other face.
“Thank you, Jiang-zhongzhu.”
“Shall we go?”
Jiang Cheng turns swiftly to the left and walks ahead. Lan Xichen is fairly sure that he is hiding a pleased grin. The last two days have shown the young sect leader opening himself up more to him, in his own hesitant and insecure way he has always known from him.
Lan Xichen was admittedly astonished, when Jiang Cheng really followed up on his prior request to ask for Zewu-jun’s guidance. At the banquet, he had deemed it merely a courteous remark. But when he received Jiang Cheng’s letter that invited him to Jiangling, humbly asking for his opinion on certain political matters, he accepted it.
It turned out that Jiang Cheng did not need much of his guidance. He had been working very hard since taking on his role, and considering it all, Jiangling was on its way to thrive again. However, the young sect leader certainly needed some personal encouragement and affirmation. Lan Xichen knew that his sister was doing her best to support him, but it was not enough to outweigh the immense pressure Jiang Cheng found himself under, and Wei WuXian was absent most of the time. So Lan Xichen found that the best he could do was to offer his honest praise and approval of Jiang Cheng’s work, and his words clearly met a desperate need.
On his second day in Yunmeng, Jiang Cheng began to show pride in his achievements less hesitantly. Lan Xichen listened with friendly amusement when he got carried away as he explained how the main hall’s ceiling had been restored and how the lotus ponds had been cleared and refreshed again, only to fluster and become self-conscious again right away.
Somehow it is easier now to relate to each other, Lan Xichen thinks as he quietly follows through the grass. Their recent years and the past war closed a gap between them, and Lan Xichen finds himself genuinely enjoying the other sect leader’s company. He has not felt this at ease in a long time.
Earlier today, this almost elated state made him agree to meet Jiang Cheng outside of Jiangling after most of the household went to bed. There had been a certain gleam in the younger man’s eyes, and his usual frown looked almost pleading, belying the way he played down his tentative request in an unconvincing casual manner. Lan Xichen noticed his hands fidgeting with the rims of his sleeves, and the pink creeping onto his face, and he knew then that the right thing was to decline politely.
Maybe it was curiosity, he thinks, as he follows Jiang Cheng further into the dark. Asking him for this private meeting in the meadow at night was such an unexpectedly bold move from him that he wanted to know what he was up to.
And yet… something in him is stirring, a specific sort of excitement, one he has not actively been missing before, but one that has been dormant for a while.
It makes him somewhat uncomfortably think of A-Yao and his da-ge. Things have become better again since the end of the Sunshot Campaign and the three of them swearing brotherhood. But he still feels like he is constantly watching out for traps that might spark a fight, tiptoeing around and on guard to maintain the harmony between the two others. He keeps telling himself it will get better, that time will bring them closer together again.
But he sometimes worries that something significant has been broken that can not be fixed, a crack that runs through their relationship - one that he is trying with all his might to hold together, that will fall apart, as soon as he lets go.
Walking through the night under the half moon he feels a weight lifting off his shoulders. If only for a moment, he is not Lan-zongzhu, Wangji’s brother and a part of three. Here and now, it is only him, and everything else seems far away.
He feels guilty as he notices the relief this thought brings with it. Yet his sense of making a mistake becomes less and less pressing with each step, and he concedes to himself that as he has gone this far already, he can just as well see what Jiang Cheng has planned.
When they reach the line of trees shadowing the meadow Jiang Cheng stops, sets down his lantern and turns around to him. Even in the darkness Lan Xichen can see the glow of excitement in his expression. It makes his face look so boyish that it almost erases the frown he always wears between his brows nowadays. Maybe he, too, has left some of the weight he carries back at Jiangling.
“We’re almost there,” he says, then seems to struggle to muster up the courage to continue.
“Lan-zongzhu, I would like to ask something from you.”
Jiang Cheng looks around uneasily, as if to find a prompter behind one of the trees, who can help him find the next words. Lan Xichen steps closer and gives him an, as he hopes, encouraging smile.
“Is it not time to drop the formality now, Jiang Cheng?” he says, slightly inclining his head. The rush of red on Jiang Cheng’s face makes his smile grow wider.
“Ah…, Lan Xichen. May I ask you…” Jiang Cheng pauses again, then continues quickly, before his courage leaves him again, “May I ask you to close your eyes?”
This is unexpected. Before his surprise can show on his face, Lan Xichen catches himself. He does not want to discourage Jiang Cheng now. His mouth quirks into a grin, and he obediently closes his eyes, waiting for whatever might come next.
For a few long seconds nothing happens. In the quiet darkness Lan Xichen’s heart begins to beat faster. Not the fearful, clenched racing he has grown used to, but an excited flutter that is much more pleasant.
When he feels a slight touch on his arm, he automatically lifts it and reaches out with his hand. He can sense the shiver as their skin meets. Apparently this has surprised Jiang Cheng, but he doesn’t pull away, and so Lan Xichen closes his fingers around his hand. Another pause, until there is a slight tug, and they start moving forwards.
After a few slow steps Lan Xichen’s foot catches on a root and he stumbles. A second hand catches him by the waist, and a sharp curse is hissed.
“It seems you will need to guide me, if I am not supposed to see where we go,” he says with a little laugh, leaning into the grip. He knows he is flirting, and he can’t bring himself to care right now. “Jiang Cheng, please hold me more closely, yes?”
It is a shame that he can’t see the inevitable flush on Jiang Cheng’s face, but he can feel the twitch in his hand and hears how he shifts around uncomfortably. He settles on placing a hand in the small of his back while holding his other to lead him onwards. Lan Xichen can hear his breath close by, his ears sharper without his sense of sight. He has time to marvel at the lightness of Jiang Cheng’s touch. So unlike the strong sect leader he has seen on the battlefield, handling both his sword and zidian with such force.
“Now, look.”
The view that he opens his eyes to is surreal. Beyond the small forest an even wider field stretches out, probably all the way down to the lake. But it is difficult to make out its exact details, as a carpet of a yellow, wavering glow is covering it. Everywhere around them little sparks of light break out from it and strive upwards, blinking in and out of existence, as if they are trying to compete with the panoply of stars above.
“You meant to show me the fireflies?” Lan Xichen says weakly, taken in by the incredible view. Sometimes a few lightning bugs can be seen at Cloud Recesses in particularly hot summers, but he has never witnessed anything like this.
“Yes. What do you think?” Jiang Cheng asks eagerly, as he is pulling an embroidered silk sheet from a bag across his shoulder.
Lan Xichen is lost for words. He would never have expected the always guarded sect leader to show such a romantic side.
Jiang Cheng shoots him an anxious look, then he sobers and dread fills his face. Lan Xichen realizes too late that he interprets his lack of a reaction as disappointment. He hastens to give him his warmest smile, and it is genuine - he is very far from disappointed.
“I thank you for showing me this astonishingly beautiful place,” he says. “What a lovely surprise.”
Relief and an almost desperate sort of amazement show on Jiang Cheng’s face, before he pulls himself together, walks out into the field and spreads the blanket on the grass, causing a storm of blinking pinpoints to spiral upwards.
They sit and Jiang Cheng tells Lan Xichen that he has liked to come here since he was little, whenever he felt the need for a moment of peace. And Lan Xichen silently agrees that both of them are in dire need for moments of peace.
They watch the scene around them quietly for a while. Lan Xichen feels a swell of fondness, as Jiang Cheng keeps shooting him sidelong glances whenever he thinks he does not notice it. There is something endearing about the way Jiang Cheng is so obvious in his expressions, but seems to be completely oblivious to it himself.
Maybe it is his turn now, Lan Xichen thinks, to help him out and make this a little easier for him. A smirk makes the corner of his mouth twitch.
“What a wonderful night. Still,” he says, and pauses to catch Jiang Cheng’s eyes, “I am wondering, Jiang Cheng… is this all that you wanted from me?”
The words hang in the air, causing ripples in the comfort and silence that has spread around them. Lan Xichen waits patiently and watches the emotions play out on Jiang Cheng’s frowning face in the low light, while his eyes flicker here and there in a desperate attempt to find his voice.
“I wanted to thank you for your time and your kindness, Zewu-jun!” Jiang Cheng finally bursts out almost furiously. He sits up straight and bows to Lan Xichen, who quickly catches him by the elbows.
“Jiang Cheng, there is no need,” he says calmly. “It has been my pleasure.”
“You will still leave tomorrow?”
Lan Xichen nods a little wistfully. Wangji is waiting for him. He is not well, and he does not dare to leave his brother for too long.
Jiang Cheng lets his arms sink with an air of defeat. He does not seem to mind anymore that Lan Xichen’s hands move with them and glide from his elbows to hold his hands between them.
“I have been wondering if we could exchange letters from time to time…” Jiang Cheng’s voice cracks and he lets it sink to a murmur, as if this might lessen the impact of what he is trying to say, “... not only as sect leaders, but… beyond that.”
Lan Xichen’s heart clenches. It suddenly pains him to see Jiang Cheng trying so hard. Meanwhile, in all honesty, he himself already knows that he will not be able to reciprocate what he really wants to ask. It is simply not the right time, he is already stretched too thin. He knows the unspoken questions, and that they will not remain unspoken forever. And he knows that he has made a mistake in encouraging them.
“Jiang Cheng.”
The earnest tone makes Jiang Cheng’s eyes fly up to meet his, and the tentative hope in them melts away in an instant.
“I appreciate your interest. You must know that right now I am unable to respond in the way you wish for.”
The regret he feels, Lan Xichen tells himself, is what he needs to retain in his memories. He has gone a step too far, for his own selfish pleasure. He has allowed himself to indulge his whim, disregarding his fair judgement. He regrets it, and he is going to repent for it.
XXX
Allow me to ask - are there still fireflies in Yunmeng?
Lan Xichen does not know how often the sentence has been on his mind in the last weeks. He had not really considered the possibility that he would not receive any response at all and is not sure how to deal with this situation.
When the letter finally arrives though, he forces himself to sit on it for another day before opening it. He does not trust his fickle heart anymore, especially when it beats so fast. Being led by his emotions has caused so much harm not only to himself but to many others.
He knows that he is still too broken, he can’t take another blow. So he allows the time for his head to catch up with the rest of his body. He sits down in his practiced, gracious manner, the envelope before him, and pours himself a cup of tea. His outward appearance is an image of absolute composure and calmness. But he does not think he can lift the cup without his hand shaking. And he can’t bear the sight.
So he opens the letter, and begins to read. It is only a single sheet, a few lines of writing, just like his. Half an hour later he slowly drinks his tea that has gone cold. His hand is unsteady, but he does not pay it any notice.
I regret to tell you that the season for fireflies has passed.
He stares blankly at the sentence. It is his heart that clenches painfully, but his head that reads on.
The storm drove them away at the end of summer.
Lan Xichen takes a deep, slightly shuddering breath. He feels the ache of a loss, but, he thinks, maybe it is better that way. If this is how it is going to be, maybe his head won’t be overtaken by his heart this time. Maybe, if he stops yearning for the past, he will be able to see a new future for himself. And then, maybe, there might come another summer again.
If you still want to visit Jiangling, it will be my honor to receive you. Next year there will be fireflies again. In the meantime I hope to share with you the other sights of Yunmeng.
