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Sungjin was already 11 months - 337 days, to be exact - old when Younghyun was born.
At his mother's eight month mark, Younghyun rushed to come out into the world. The boy who was expected to be born in the first month of 1994 barged his way into the year 1993, as if the thought of separating them, even in something as simple as birth years, pains him.
Their mothers met at Ewha Hospital in 1989.
Both on their first pregnancy, the two soon to be mothers had an instant bond. They would chit chat about baby names and baby products while waiting for their turn to consult with the doctor. But it wasn’t until they bumped into each other at the local grocery store that they realised that they lived two blocks away from each other.
From then on, plans about playdates have joined their routinary chit chats.
In the year 1990, the Parks welcomed their first born, Park Haewon. And in the year 1990, the Kangs lost their unborn child.
It isn't the case anymore, but back in the summer of 1994, 2 year old Sungjin was far ahead of Younghyun.
When the latter would be peacefully reaching for the stars circling around his crib, the former would waddle his way to him, constantly making him cry by stealing his milk, his pacifier, or the turtle covered blanket he loves to wrap under his chubby little fingers.
After all, even if they were born in the same year, the fact that Sungjin was born 11 months earlier still remains.
Sungjin's was the hand Younghyun would hold on to when they would make their way to kindergarten, his were the footsteps Younghyun would follow, the shirt that Younghyun would instinctively grab when meeting strangers, and Sungjin was always there to hold his tiny little hand.
There was never a moment in Younghyun's life that Sungjin didn't exist.
After all, he was already 337 days old when Younghyun was born.
Sungjin never had an oh moment. His love was something that has always been there, something that has always existed.
Younghyun's oh moment was a game of halli galli. Younghyun is insanely competitive okay, but at that moment, when Sungjin laughed at how terribly he's losing, doing a little dance as he steals Younghyun's cards, a thought passed through him.
It's not like he didn't know, of course he loved him, they've spent their whole life together, there just wasn't really a reason to dwell upon it. He knew he loved his childhood friend, he just didn't know how much.
They started dating when they became seniors, year 2011. Nineteen and unsure about what the future may bring, but they had each other and that was enough.
Sungjin, again, became their class president. He has always been charismatic and reliable, and that might be why he seem to reel people in. Like the sun pulling at everything to circle around its orbit.
Younghyun wasn't as shy as he used to be anymore. He had a few other friends, in fact, he belong in an entirely different friend group, yet everyone knew that nothing can come between the bond the two share.
There was Younghyun, and Sungjin, but there was also Younghyun and Sungjin. There is no one that shines brighter in Younghyun's eyes, and there is no one that Sungjin would rather be with.
But images they have to uphold as a son, a student, a sibling, a person, as a man has prevented them from holding each other's hands in public. After all, the world isn't as kind as it claims to be.
They got accepted at the same university, but Younghyun turned it down because he wanted to be a singer.
They broke up briefly, a month before graduation.
That was one of the longest two weeks in Younghyun's life. But just like the tides constantly being pulled by the moon, they made their way back to each other's embrace.
The day they moved into their new apartment - the same day they first made love to each other, year 2012. It was sloppy and desperate and young, but it's skin touching skin and once again they were connected in a way that is solely theirs. Younghyun held on to Sungjin tightly, Sungjin held him just the same.
Sungjin would never admit it, but he got teary eyed as he stared at Younghyun's sleeping face. The faint glow from the streetlight outside their window kissed Younghyun's skin, his features softer than ever. This is the sun, Sungjin thought. The star that pulls him in.
2014 was the year Younghyun debuted. It was a risky career, everyone would agree to that, but not Sungjin.
Sungjin never doubted.
"Wow he sounds great," one of his co-interns said in awe.
He didn't reply, because he knew that Younghyun was more than great. Younghyun's voice makes him feel touch starved. It's finally coming home after a long day of pretense. His is a voice that lets you breathe, a safe space. The word great doesn't sit quite right with Sungjin, it sounds like a temporary achievement, a moment that would inevitably pass by, and his Younghyun is more than that. He is eternal .
He couldn't help the pride swelling inside his chest. His Younghyun, his . The world may fawn and watch over Kang Younghyun, but no one will know Younghyun the way he did.
And that was the start of how the sun ascended into the sky, the year they turned 22.
Younghyun broke down a year after his debut.
Sungjin expected it. After all, Younghyun is competitive. He loves to run and run and run and now, he has ran out of breath.
Sungjin wrapped him in his arms as Younghyun told him how tiring it is, how pointless everything seems, how unappreciated he felt. And when nothing but muffled sniffles came from the younger, it was Sungjin that filled the silence.
And just like they always did before, Sungjin whispered of reassurances, and Younghyun was once again reminded that there are no deadlines in life.
Younghyun got his first award at 24, year 2016. Sungjin smiled at his phone as confetti erupted across the screen, and smiled even wider when the camera panned on Younghyun's ecstatic face.
It was busy day and he was taking a quick 10 minute lunch break, but his Younghyun is happy and nothing, not even the fatigue he's been feeling the whole day, matters.
Younghyun took his time to thank his fans, his parents, his company, the staff - but never Sungjin. He couldn't help the crestfallen face he made as he realised that waiting for the sound of his name is pointless.
Sungjin is a very private person. He barely shares anything in social media. He doesn't like touching or being touched in public. He isn't a fan of loud proclamations of love. Sungjin doesn't mind keeping their love behind four walls, but having the freedom to choose to show your love would've been nice.
He looks at Younghyun's face as he waves goodbye at the camera.
Since when have you let go of my hand?
Younghyun knew that Sungjin was miserable.
But Sungjin is kind so he tried not to show it.
And Younghyun is unfair so pretended he didn't notice.
He knew that everything has been piling up; their apartment lacking the sense of life it used to have, their parents trying to set them up with their friend's daughters, his recent dating scandal with Ayeon, the looming uncertainty of the future.
"Dating Ayeon might be good publicity," his manager said, "it'll hype your new collab."
Younghyun thinks of Sungjin's slumped shoulders, his forced "I understand", and his tired eyes.
Sungjin watched how Younghyun eyes disappeared as he played with Haewon's daughter. "She has your smile," his boyfriend would say, "daughters really are a gift, huh?"
He envisioned Younghyun in a living room littered with toys and clothes and a kid that resembles him, happily playing a game of dress up where they would travel through kingdoms and planets and talk to all kinds of animals. Younghyun would speak in silly voices and they'd laugh the same laugh. Younghyun looks vibrant, the brightest he's ever been. They're happy, they're content, they're loved.
Sungjin knows he has no place in that kind of life; he's always busy, he loses his temper sometimes, he can barely take care of himself.
Being with Sungjin means a life of secrets, his career would constantly be at risk, it means no children, no family he can proudly show to the media, to the world .
He sometimes wonders if he's preventing Younghyun from having that shining future.
Younghyun watches as the crack spreads.
It will only be a matter of time , he thought.
Sungjin finally cracked during Children's Day.
It was a rare free day for the both of them, and Younghyun has been looking forward to it for weeks.
Today , he thought, I'll do everything that makes Sungjin smile today .
The smile never came, instead they got in yet another fight when Younghyun asked Sungjin if he wants to play a round of halli galli. "Just like when we were kids," he said.
Sungjin was shouting and Younghyun tried not to but he ended up raising his voice as well. They were throwing words after words until Sungjin let out a heartbreaking sob that made Younghyun lose his voice.
"I wanted to steal it from you," Sungjin said.
"You deserve a warm home with a wife that can love you fully, that can actually take care of you. You deserve a chance at having kids. You deserve a good life, Younghyun. And I wanted to steal that from you," Sungjin choked on a sob.
"Because I'm selfish and I wanted you for myself."
A minute of silence fell upon then, until Sungjin said it.
"Let's break up."
Sungjin made his may into their bedroom to grab his bag and a few change of clothes. He'd probably have to sleep at the hospital for a few days before he could find a new apartment, but he can make it work.
The raised his hand to wipe another set of tears when Younghyun wrapped his arms around Sungjin's torso, letting his head fall at Sungjin's shoulder.
"Let's elope," Younghyun whispered, "if you're going to leave then take me with you. Let's run away."
a sniffle
"We can go to Gyeongnam, or Sunchang, or literally anywhere I could really care less."
another
"I have enough savings for a small house and we can set up a small clinic for you, I can work as an instructor, or I can set up a small music store, anything, I don't care, we can make it work, we'll figure things out."
and another
"I'll give you anything, please, anything but this."
Sungjin's current concern: Younghyun's being extra thrifty these days.
Younghyun's current concern: the small velvet box he hid at the back of his dresser.
Year 1989, Ewha Hospital
"You want to name him Younghyun?"
"It sounds like a kind person's name doesn't it? to become the sunshine that shines forever."
"I don't know, it sounds kind of exhausting."
"That's why I hope he meets someone who he could share the burden with."
"That won't be easy, since shining too bright would also mean that it would be hard for anyone to approach him."
"Does that mean his brightness has to be suppressed first?"
"To suppress the sunshine? Sungjin?"