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The Bentley had a soul. That's what happens when you let a demon with imagination drive you for decades. She didn't ask for it, and yet here she was, mightily disgruntled. You would be too, if you had to ride through infernal fire for miles, get your spotless polish that had been like new since you came out of the production line (a miracle here and there) all boiling and melting away, get your frame all bent and tires practically vaporized, and finished the experience in a shattering explosion.
That's why she didn't have much patience for the figure in black cape standing in front of her.
YOU ARE A CAR, the figure said with a mild surprise.
Her engine grumbled in annoyance. Of course she was a car, was the person blind?
Actually, it seemed so, judging by the empty eye sockets, but something was telling her the person can see her quite well, down to her every bolt and piston.
CARS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOULS.
She didn't deem that worth a reply.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH YOU?
She made it clear by the angle of her wipers that it wasn't her problem.
I HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS
She found that rather rude. Her Master always had time for her. She missed her Master. Why wasn't he here?
Just then, she could hear his voice.
"You were a good car," he said, and her reflectors beamed in pride.
The gaze of the empty eye-sockets bore into her.
THAT SEEMS CORRECT
If he could stare without eyes, so could she. She stared back, unflinching.
LOOK, I REALLY AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING IMPORTANT HERE. YOU HAVE A SOUL, APPARENTLY YOU WERE GOOD, SO I'LL SEND YOU TO HEAVEN AND LET THEM SORT IT OUT
The person faded, and so did everything else - the dying fire of an explosion, the heap of scrap metal that she knew was her just a moment ago, but now seemed faded and unreal like a washed out picture, the echo of her Master's voice…
It all turned to white.
She hated white. When there was white stuff on the roads, the traffic slowed down so much even miracles weren't of much use. Now, black, that was a good colour. Polished into mirror-shine, it was the colour of speed. There wasn't even a square inch of black around.
She hated it here. And she was going to make it everyone else's problem.
"It's a matter of resources," Gabriel was just saying to Sandalphon. "With a firm leadership, our gains will outweigh the losses in-"
"Archangel Gabriel! Archangel Gabriel!"
"...in a long-term-"
"Archangel Gabriel, sir!"
"What is it, Mulaniel?" Gabriel snapped at the messenger interrupting his important stream of empty phrases.
"Sir, there's a car loose in the armoury!"
"A what?"
"A car, sir! A human vehicle with four wheels. It's black and it's playing loud music! And not celestial harmonies!"
"I know what a car is. Ugh, how did it get there?"
"We don't know, sir."
Gabriel rolled his eyes in a flash of violet. "Then get rid of it, we don't have time for this."
"But we don't know how. That's why I came to you."
"Really, pal? Do I look like I have the time to deal with every nuisance here? If it's in the armoury, go to the Quartermaster."
"I can't sir. He's currently busy being chased by a car."
"Then go to the commander of your platoon."
"But I did, sir. She took a look at it and sent me to the division commander."
"Why didn't you go to him then?"
"I did. He sent me to the manager of angelic resources. And the manager sent me to you."
"I see," Gabriel sneered. "Everyone is useless here. Fine, show me the vehicle, I'll deal with it shortly."
A heap of kilts and helmets, scattered around and dirtied with tire marks was the first indication that something was amiss as they were nearing the armoury.
The second indication was the screeching of tires and the sounds of a revving engine.
The third was a loud music that could be heard between those sounds.
She's a Killer Queen
Gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam...
Then they saw the car.
It was black and felt like the personification of the term "traffic hazard".
It swerved among the scattered uniforms and there was also the Quartermaster, chasing it closely. His wings were out as he kept the car's pace, holding on to a side mirror.
A closer look, however, revealed that he wasn't actually chasing the car. He was, in fact, dragged along by it as his moustache was stuck in the side window.
"What the hell is this?" Gabriel muttered as he tried to make sense of the scene in front of him.
"I've told you, sir," Mulaniel threw his hands into the air in an almost hysterical expression. "There's a CAR loose in the armoury!"
The car seemed to notice them and turned towards them with an expression demanding to see the manager. It had bullet holes in the windows.
With a sinking feeling, Gabriel realized that he is the manager.
"Right," he muttered, as if reassuring himself, "I am the Archangel fucking Gabriel, and this is Heaven, not a highway. The Armageddon will start at any moment and we don't need any cars in our armoury, so shoo! shoo! Go away!"
The motor rumbled. The car spit out the Quartermaster's mustache and pointed its reflectors at Gabriel.
Fear me you loathsome, lazy creatures
I descend upon your earth from the skies...
Mulaniel chose the moment to back away slowly. The Quartermaster dashed away much faster, trying to straighten his crumpled mustache as soon as he was in a safe distance.
"Shoo!" Gabriel repeated, rather unconvincingly. "The Armageddon will start at any moment now and you're in the way, so move it, jalopy."
The reflectors shone brighter and the wheels started spinning in place menacingly, raising clouds of greyish smoke. There was something very, very menacing in the way the light was hitting them.
"Uh… oh!" Gabriel raised his hand like asking for a timeout. "Oh no, I mean. It seems the Apocalypse got delayed! Sorry, pal," he turned to Mulaniel, "I really need to check it out and get things moving in the right direction. I'm sure you can handle this. Bye!"
The Archangel disappeared. So did the Quartermaster.
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust...
Mulaniel stared at the Bentley.
The Bentley stared at Mulaniel.
The radio skipped to another song.
I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by...
After a tense moment, Mulaniel just stepped aside.
The car honked at him and drove away.
"Well, at least it's out of the armoury," Mulaniel muttered.
Heaven was big. Now it was someone else's problem. Not my department, as several of the angels he was sent to told him. He sighed in relief and started gathering his scattered uniform.
Chasing angels and scattering things was certainly fun, but the Bentley was getting a bit tired of it. It was still awfully white all around. No matter how many tire marks and how much smoke she left, it didn't get any less white in general.
She was missing roads with signs that could be ignored and other cars that could be left behind in a puff of smoke and screeching of tires. She was missing the lights - especially the red one that meant that other cars would stop and let her pass. And she was missing Master and Angel. It was no fun doing mischief without them. No other vehicle in sight, either.
I've walked too long in this lonely lane
I've had enough of this same old game...
She left out a sigh from her exhaust. She's only been here for a while and she was already bored. And lonely.
Then she noticed another vehicle.
It was small, with only two wheels. A youngling.
Usually it wouldn't make her stop, but here, in this big and empty place, it awoke something in her.
She went after it like a mother hen after a lost chick.
The Armageddon was supposed to start at any moment now, and Mulaniel was late because of that stupid car. That was LOOSE. In the ARMOURY.
He rushed down the white halls on his hoverboard, hastily putting on pieces of uniform and hoping to reach his platoon before the show starts.
All I want is the comfort and care
Just to know that my woman gives me sweet mother love...
He swerved dangerously, almost losing his balance.
He looked back, but there was nothing there, only an empty white hall.
"Uh, I'm already hearing things because of that car," he murmured to himself.
Uh, and I'm already talking to myself from the stress, he thought.
All I want is to know that you're there
You're gonna give me all your sweet
Mother love...
There was the car! It just drove from behind a corner!
"No no no no, you are somebody else's problem!" he yelled, speeding up on his hoverboard.
The car sped up as well.
He made a sharp turn to get rid of it. Bad idea. Now he lost his balance for real and was about to fall when the Bentley almost jumped to his side and matched his speed so that he could lean on it.
Mother love…
They drove side by side for a while, Mulaniel looking away in embarrassed silence.
"Uh, look…" he said finally, "I think I see what's going on here. You see a thing with wheels, you think it's your kin, right? And it's smaller than you and only has two wheels, must be a young one, yes? Well, sorry to tell you, but this is just a regular heavenly hoverboard. It doesn't need your care, really. I mean, I appreciate the thought, but I need to be somewhere else now and I'm already late, so, if you don't mind…" he turned away from the car and headed in another direction.
The Bentley cut his way in an instant, herding him back to her side.
"Uh, okay… apparently you do mind. Fine, fine…" he distracted her with talking and tried again.
Again she blocked his way, forcing him to stay with her.
He tried a few more times, but every time she was faster.
"Alright alright. I give up, have it your way…"
They drove around for a while, the black car looking rather pleased with herself.
"Where are we going, anyway?" Mulaniel asked, resignedly.
That made her slow down. She looked embarrassed now.
"You don't know? Well, where would you like to go?"
She stopped. He could see her steering wheel turning and somehow knew it meant that she was thinking.
Now was Mulaniel's chance to escape, but he didn't, some morbid curiosity keeping him in place.
The Bentley's reflectors suddenly lit up with an idea. She opened her door and honked.
Mulaniel stared at it for a moment. Then, despite his better judgement, he gathered his hoverboard and got in.
By the time he got back to Heaven, Gabriel was so furious about that traitor Aziraphale that he completely forgot about the car.
"Get back to your positions!" he snapped at the commanders who turned to him with a questioning expression. "There has been an unexpected issue with the Antichrist, but it should be taken care of very soon. The Armageddon will start at any moment now!"
"You've heard the Archangel, get back to your positions!" Sandalphon yelled.
"Gabriel, what's really going on?" Michael hissed.
The Archangel rolled his eyes. "Nothing, really. Just Aziraphale being troublesome and the Antichrist refusing his role. It should be taken care of soon, they're going to tell the boy's father."
Michael blanched. "You mean…"
I'm burnin' through the sky, yeah
200 degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
Gabriel turned in the direction of the music. "What the…"
The black Bentley whooshed around, surrounded by a sonic wave of Queen's greatest hits, and leaving a trail of fire behind.
"Come on, you mean to tell me you didn't get rid of that thing yet?"
The ground shook with a rumble deep below, getting closer with every moment.
There were no roads in the white empty space. Terrible, really - it was no place for a youngling. The Bentley decided to change that.
As far as she was concerned, a road was a space where cars passed regularly. If she drove the same route repeatedly, and fast enough to constitute for traffic, it would eventually become a road. And she could go really, really fast here, without the usual physical constraints (which were just suggestions to her Master anyway).
I'm travelling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you...
The route was in her wheel memory. Southeast through South Mimms, a curve left to pass Frogmore on the right, then east towards the 21/6A junction, turning south towards Chandler's Cross at the junction with A41...
She sped round and round, her tires tracing the route of the M25… which, coincidentally, forms the exact shape of the dread sigil odegra, which in the language of the Black Priesthood of Mu means "all hail the great beast, devourer of worlds".
She didn't know anything about that though, it was just the route she was most familiar with, and she knew Master found it special too.
When the ground started shaking, she was as surprised as the angels. Unlike them, though, she had the good sense to drive away as fast as she could.
The ground split and from the hole, a giant red torso rose like a very angry and very big zombie from the grave (dug by a couple of bulldozers).
"Where is my son?"
Gabriel looked like he would have just peed himself, if such bodily functions would be inherent to angels. They were not, so he just stared with his mouth wide open.
Satan looked around, taking in the surroundings. His eyebrows drew together in an even deeper frown than his default one. "Well, this is embarrassing," he said after a moment of silence.
Gabriel crossed his hands on his chest, trying to cover the first impression and look confident. He cleared his throat. "Yes. Wrong place, I'm afraid. You're looking for the Tadfield airbase."
"Right, I have no idea how I even ended here. Well, I've got to go, the boy's clearly in a rebellious phase but don't worry, the Apocalypse should restart soon. See you later."
"Yes, yes, on the battlefield," Gabriel nodded. "Errr.. see you!"
The ground closed again and the angels breathed a sigh of relief.
Too soon.
The Bentley felt bad for getting scared by that overgrown boogeyman. The youngling was screaming, too. She needed to calm it and make herself feel better too, and she knew what was best for that.
She pressed her accelerator to the ground and started chasing the annoying manikin who called her a jalopy.
Gabriel wasn't having a good day. There was a car that seemed intent to make Heaven a living hell, and so far it was succeeding.
He was just hiding behind a pillar. It seemed he lost the infernal machine for now, but he dreaded the moment when if sniffs him out again.
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust…
And there it was. He pressed himself closer to the pillar, praying that it didn't see him.
He wished the Apocalypse would start already. Being stuck here with that thing was getting unbearable. Maybe if they win, they could take over Hell's offices and send the demons here…
Ha! There was the dumbass, hiding behind a pillar! Thinking she didn't notice him…
She slowed down and drove past the pillar and as if looking for him… and left out a loud bang from her exhaust.
The hiding figure jumped and she could hear the youngling chuckling.
Self-satisfied, she made a sharp turn to continue the chase…
… when suddenly nothing of it had happened.
She knew she drove on fire all the way to Tadfield, and then a cloaked figure who SPOKE LIKE THIS sent her to an awfully white place.
But in the same time, she had been sitting in her illegal parking place all along, wondering when Master will finally kiss Angel.
But she remembered.
Meanwhile Mulaniel sat on the ground, cackling manically.
"Okay pal," Gabriel leant over him a bit shakily, "can you explain what that was?"
"I've told you, sir," Mulaniel grinned. "There was a car. In the armoury."
Gabriel shook his head and turned to the watching angels. "Nobody will speak about this. Not a word, understood?"
There were nods all around and Gabriel straightened his tie. "Good. Now, about the planned Apocalypse. It seems there was some rescheduling, but eventually, it will happen. At least we're not stuck with that thing for the rest of eternity."
"I'll miss it…" Mulaniel whispered to himself and gently gathered his hoverboard.