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Izuku remembers when he first recognized his feelings for his classmate. It was a cool October night, the breeze ruffling through their hair. Shin-chan was walking next to Izuku, their hands brushing with every other step. It’s calm and they aren’t talking about anything, but Izuku had looked up at Shin-chan as if the boy was talking about something interesting.
It was then, as the wind ruffled lavender colored hair and the moon shone down on Shin-kun, illuminating his frame. And oh, Izuku had a crush didn’t he? Izuku couldn’t look away, but he forced himself to look away when the boy of his (newly realized) affections looked down at him, a questioning air about him.
Izuku let out a breathy giggle, and turned his head to the side, looking at the trees and their leaves swaying with the wind.
“Nothing.” Izuku said. “Let’s get back to the dorms. It’s starting to get cold.
And so they did and Izuku pushed his feelings for the lavender haired teen to the back of his mind. Shin-kun wouldn’t love someone like Izuku. Shin-kun was perfect and Izuku...well Izuku was defective.
So time went on and Izuku’s feelings for Shinsou grew into something more than just a crush. Izuku began thinking about Shinsou with everything he did. But he could never tell Shinsou. He could never say anything because Shinsou is amazing and kind and oh so brilliant and Izuku is just Izuku. There’s nothing special about Izuku other than the fact that he got into the hero course. Izuku couldn’t burden Shinosu with his feelings.
Izuku’s first sign that somethin was wrong was when he started coughing. Now, usually this wouldn’t alarm him, but when a bloodied petal lay innocently on his hand Izuku felt like he should have been more concerned than he was. He knew it wasn’t normal, obviously, but it was fascinating. A morbidly beautiful white petal stained in blood sat in his hand, staring up at him, calling him to look up the meaning for it.
That night, Izuku came to terms with his fate.
The light of his computer screen glared at him with his fate. Hanahaki disease. Now Izuku knew he couldn’t tell Shinsou. No matter what, his feelings would die with him. Shinsou was so kind, and brave, and heroic and Izuku had no doubt in his mind that he’d try anything possible to save Izuku. Even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness.
So no. Izuku’s not going to tell anyone about the bloodied petals he coughs up. It’ll be over soon, so why worry.
Izuku’s gone through almost two weeks of coughing up flower petals and blood. Two weeks of Izuku hiding his feelings and according to the internet he should have close to one week left before the flowers pile up and he dies. That is, if he’s lucky. Articles he read said it could last anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months and on rare occasions, even longer. So no, Izuku didn’t know when, exactly, he would die, but he knew that he would.
His throat ached and his lungs burned from lack of oxygen, but he didn’t tell anyone. He couldn’t because that would mean burdening them with his feelings. Izuku would just pass quietly. He would give his valuables to those who deserved them more and he would write letters for those he thought deserved an answer to their inevitable questions.
So that’s what he did that weekend. He wrote letters. The first one was to his mom because Izuku knew that even if he was useless, defective, worthless , his mom would still cry for him. She was a Midoriya afterall.
Mom,
I know you said my big heart would get me in trouble one day, and you were right. I’m sorry, but I fell in love. It’s painful yet so, so warm. I love him, Mom. I love him and I don’t know what to do because now I’m dying and I can’t tell him. He’s so happy and caring and heroic and I can’t take away his happiness like that. That’s selfish and mean. I love him more than Katsudon and I know that sounds unreal, but it is and it’s true. I love you too Mom, but I love him as more than just a friend and I’m tainted.
I’m tainted and gross and defective and he wouldn’t love me. So I’m dying Mom, but I love you. And I’m sorry.
Your son,
Izuku
Tears fell onto the paper and he quickly folded it and put it in its own envelope, his mother’s name written on the front. It hurts. It hurts so much, but they need to know and Izuku needs to tell them.
Shin-kun,
I’m sorry this is how you find out. I didn’t think it would get this bad, honestly, but it did and I’m dying. I don’t regret falling in love with you. I never could, but I’m sorry that you have to be burdened with this. It’s not your fault Shin-kun. It really isn’t and I could never blame you for my death. Sometimes it happens and that’s ok. Become the hero I know you can be Shin-kun. You’re amazing, and smart and oh so kind and that’s why I couldn’t tell you. Because you’d give up your own happiness for me and that’s not what I want.
Please don’t be sad. Please don’t blame yourself. I love you and I’m sorry.
Your friend,
Izuku
Izuku coughed into his hand, bloodied narcissus petals staring up at him with all the innocence a love-ridden disease could hold. Izuku stares at the petals for just a bit longer before he puts them to the side so he can fold Shin-kun’s letter up and put it into the envelope with his name on it.
It’s then, as Izuku turns to the last letter that he decides that letting his friends and family see him dead in his room is not how he wants them to see him for the last time. It’s then that he decides to finish the letters and then leave the dorms. He can find an abandoned building or an alley and let himself die.
Aizawa-sensei,
I’m sorry you wasted your time on me. I’m sorry that you have to read this because I don’t deserve your kindness or your patience, but you gave it to me so you deserve to know what happened.
I have Hanahaki Disease. I’m sure you know what that is, but just in case I’ll give you the rundown.
I fell in love and now I’m dying. I don’t want you or anyone else to come looking for me. I don’t want you to see me so weak. I don’t deserve your tears and I don’t deserve your sorrow. So please, forget about me. It hurts, but I don’t regret falling in love. He’s amazing and I know he’ll go far.
Please give these letters to the assigned person. I’m sorry. Please don’t come looking for me.
Your student,
Izuku
Izuku folds up the last letter and puts it into its envelope, lining all three of them up on his desk. It’s a bittersweet goodbye but they don’t need to see Izuku choking on petals. They don’t need to see his pained expression when he dies.
He cleans off three petals, washing them under gentle, warm water. They’re pretty little things, all white and yellow with a hint of orange. Izuku thinks that his loved ones should have their own.
And so that’s what he does. He puts each clean petal on the envelopes and changes into something more comfortable. He leaves his phone, room key card, and school ID on his desk as well and he turns off his dorm light before shutting the door gently and walking down the hall. He’s careful, quiet, and with soft footsteps he walks out of Heights Alliance without a second glance.
He knows he didn’t give away his things, but his Mom can do that for him. The woman deserves to be able to look through his things one last time.
The trek to an abandoned building takes almost all night and he’s coughing up blood and petals the whole way there. But when he does find a building, he goes inside and doesn’t look back. He can’t return home. He can’t do anything but die in painful silence.
He’s truly sorry to those he hurt.
Shouta knows something’s wrong. Problem Child isn’t in class and his classmates don’t know why either. It’s worrying to the point where he gives the class a free period and hurries to Heights Alliance. It’s a short walk, but it feels like forever before he’s opening the doors to the dorm building and making his way to the Problem Child’s room.
He knocks on the door, waiting for anything to tell him that his Problem Child is ok. When no response comes, he knocks again. And again. And again. Eventually his worry gets the better of him and he tries to open the door.
Unlocked.
Even more worrying because Midoriya liked having his door locked whether he was in the room or not.
He looks around the room, hoping to see Midoriya sleeping on the bed or at his desk and when he sees nothing but envelopes and three white-yellow-orange petals, Shouta knows something happened.
He looks at the letters and freezes. There’s three of them, all addressed to different people.
Aizawa-sensei.
Mom.
Shinsou Hitoshi.
Shouta breaks when he reads the letter addressed to him. His Problem Child is dead. Somewhere out there Midoriya Izuku is suffering and Shouta couldn’t do anything about it. It hurts, and he’s going to look for the kid even if he was requested not to.
The next thing he does is call Midoriya-san and tells her to come in. He doesn’t explain why, but he has a feeling she knows it’s something bad. Shouta never calls.
He also calls Shinsou to his office and hands the kid his letter.
Shinsou breaks down crying in front of the teacher, whispering words that sound like “idiot”, “I love you”, and “dumbass”. Shouta understands how the kid feels. And when Midoriya Inko breaks down crying after reading her letter, Shouta understands more than he ever possibly has, how she feels. Izuku may have been her biological son, but Shouta saw the kid as his own son.
The kid was bright and smart and had such a long future ahead of him. So even though Izuku asked to not be looked for, Shouta’s sure as hell gathering a team of UA staff to look for the Problem Child; if only to give him a proper burial.
They look high and low and a week later, they find the kid’s body. It’s surrounded by narcissus petals covered in dried blood and his face looks so pained. Shouta grabs the kid and holds him close to his chest, rocking them back and forth to the beat of his own heart. Izuku’s body is so cold and stiff and it hurts.
It hurts even more when Shouta has to let Midoriya-san view the body, and it hurts even more when the staff of UA, Izuku’s family, and class 1-A have to watch his casket be lowered into the ground.
They had gotten the flowers surgically removed from the kid’s lungs before they even thought of burying him. None of them wanted Izuku to be buried with the reminder of why he was gone.
Midoriya-san is cradling Shinsou, holding him close and whispering words into the kid’s ear. Izuku’s friend group is crying (even Todoroki) and they all look lost. Even Bakugou is downtrodden.
This whole thing could have just been avoided had Izuku just talked to them, but his letters sounded so sad and scared. His letters were short but pained and so so so apologetic.
It hurts and Shouta can’t breathe, but he doesn’t speak because Izuku had been unable to breathe properly for so long .