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Jay doesn’t know exactly what got into him.
Or, well, he does know. Very well. But admitting it is an entirely different struggle.
His friends, seemingly unaware of the situation, continue joking around as Jay’s gaze follows the petite boy crossing the campus. It’s impossible to ignore, to control himself, his eyes, his body. Because Yang Jungwon is something else.
Yang Jungwon is a bright star on a dark, clear night. A warm, delicious coffee on a cold morning. Jungwon is everything Jay has ever wanted. And he doesn’t know what got into him.
He doesn’t know what made him fall in love that quickly.
Going from acquaintances to close friends in the blink of an eye perhaps wasn’t the brightest idea, yet Jay doesn’t regret a single moment. Not a word, not an action. He’s proud of how far he’s come in terms of getting to know Jungwon.
The thing is, now, as friends, Jay is unable to picture a future together.
“Why don’t you call him over?” Jake suggests, “or are you ashamed of him?”
Sunghoon only nods. Jay doesn’t want Jungwon anywhere near him. For his own well-being.
“He’s probably got something else to do,” he replies. A great excuse, as Jungwon walked by very quickly. Then he adds, “I’m not ashamed.”
“You never invite him to hang out with us!”
“Because you two suck,” Jay says.
They laugh, but Jay feels a weight on his chest.
Knowing Jungwon is his best friend and won’t mind it is a relief, but admitting he’s in love with him is a completely separate problem.
Now Jay is in trouble.
-
Jungwon laughs and his dimples show.
Sometimes Jay wants to drown in them, and some others he wants to kiss them. And maybe poke them. Pretending to be unaffected by it comes easily to him now, used to it, yet sometimes he catches himself staring for too long, at his eyes, his lips, his nose. Jungwon doesn’t notice, it appears.
So they never talk about it.
“Care to help?” Jungwon utters, face covered in flour.
They’re baking cookies, and Jungwon’s nose is white, and Jay can’t stop staring.
“Yeah, sorry,” he replies quickly and helps him finish shaping the dough. Their hands touch. Jay dies inside, just a little.
“Done.”
“Great job doing nothing,” Jungwon tells him, laughing, sweetly, fondly. And his eyes shine in a way that squeezes his erratically-beating heart.
“Hey,” punching his shoulder softly, Jay says, “I helped.”
“Yeah, and why isn’t your face covered in butter like mine?”
He smiles, gazes into Jungwon’s eyes, and gets lost. At a loss of words. He’s made of porcelain, white skin, soft to the touch, but warm, full of life, eyes like a doll, and dainty hands.
Jay doesn’t know what got into him. But he’s sure it’s love. He knows it’s love.
And he hopes Jungwon doesn’t realize anytime soon.
-
It’s not Jungwon who realizes, but Sunghoon.
“You like him,” he states, “it’s so obvious.”
“I don’t.”
“You do, you like him,” Sunghoon presses.
“I don’t.”
“Then why do you look at him like he hung the moon and the stars?”
Jay bites his lip. “Maybe he did.”
“C’mon! Don’t play dumb,” Sunghoon is taking it seriously, which is a sign of Jay being in serious trouble. There’s no way out. “We all see how you look at him, how you stare and follow him around like a lost puppy.”
“Are you talking about you and Sunoo?” He decides to use that card to divert the conversation. It clearly doesn’t work.
“Well, I clearly noticed because I went through the same thing,” Sunghoon replies.
God, there’s really no way out.
“It’s not a big deal…”
“It is to me!” He exclaims, and turns around sheepishly as he notices he nearly shouted.
“Okay, well, you got me!” Jay laughs nervously and looks around.
“Jay…”
“Sorry,” his head drops, “I’m not ready to admit it yet.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s my friend , my best friend, one of the people I trust the most, I feel like I’m betraying him or something,” he explains, “it’s wrong.”
“It’s not.”
“I shouldn’t—"
“You can’t control that, you know that,” Sunghoon reasons.
“Damn,” Jay says, “stop being so reasonable.”
Sunghoon lets out a laugh and shakes his head. “I’m just here to help.”
“Well… Thank you, really,” his heart feels at ease, now, in a way.
“I got your back, anytime.”
The thing is, no matter how much help Jay gets, his cowardice is stronger than him, and admitting his feelings to Jungwon is a situation he’s not prepared for at all. Fear of rejection, of anger, of disappointment, of losing the strong and beautiful friendship that they have.
But he hugs Sunghoon and thanks him for noticing while praying Jungwon isn’t as attentive as him.
-
Jake doesn’t find out until later.
At a party, of course, because Jay couldn’t be any more of a cliché than he is now. In love with his best friend, drunk at a party, dazzling lights clouding his vision, and the prettiest boy ever standing in front of him.
“You know, Wonie, you’re so pretty,” he says, slurring his words, walking one step closer to him. Jungwon laughs, and Jay notices this time his dimples don’t show. He’s nervous.
“Thank you, hyung,” he replies, sits down as Jay follows. Once his back hits the cushion of the sofa, it dawns on him.
“Sorry.”
“Huh?”
“Sorry about that, I—”
Then Jake appears out of nowhere, a halo around his head.
“Hey, Jay, I’m driving you home,” he tells him. Jay thanks him internally. But his brain and mouth aren’t working together, not tonight.
“Oh,” it’s all he says, and Jungwon remains seated on the couch, pretending to be unaffected.
“He’s drunk, yeah,” Jungwon then comments. Jay looks at him at the right moment and their eyes meet.
Jungwon gulps.
“Okay, let’s go,” Jay grabs Jake’s stretched out hand and gets up, a bit lightheaded. It’s not the alcohol, clearly.
It’s Jungwon and his pinkish cheeks, round, red nose, eyes sparkling. It’s Jungwon and his honey-like voice, all high pitched. It’s Jungwon and the strange feeling hidden behind the black of his eyes.
In the car, all Jay wants to do is cry.
“Dude, you almost kissed him,” Jake tells him, holding onto both his shoulders. “Are you okay?”
“No, not really,” he laments, “I’m a dumbass.”
“What’s going on?”
“I like him,” for the first time, Jay says it out loud, “I love him.”
“Oh,” now, it seems to finally dawn on Jake too. “Bro, I’m sorry, that’s tough.”
“I know.”
“Wanna go home?”
“Okay,” Jay looks back at the house, the flashing lights, and wonders if Jungwon will forget about it.
-
He doesn’t.
Of course Jungwon doesn’t forget about it, because he’s ignoring him the next day, not replying to his texts, and straight up walking past him in the hallways. Now it’s truly tough.
“What’s wrong with him?”
Sunghoon missed the party and his mental breakdown, so Jake quickly updates him on the situation while Jay stares intensely at nothing.
“Wow,” he says, “I’m sorry that happened. Alcohol is never good.”
“I don’t get it though, why would he be mad?” Jake asks.
“Maybe because he thinks Jay didn’t mean it?” They begin discussing the mess while Jay remains quiet and deep in thought.
It’s all his fault, clearly, but something is not clicking. He’s missing a piece of information.
The mental puzzle in his mind is missing a piece that only Jungwon owns. And maybe it’s time to talk.
“I’m gonna get going,” he says suddenly.
“Right now?”
“Yeah.”
Finding Jungwon isn’t hard, because Jay knows where he spends his break, and thankfully, the back of the building is empty except for him when he gets there. It’s kind of a special place, as Jungwon and Jay met there, so Jay approaches him carefully so he doesn’t panic once he looks up.
Well, Jungwon doesn’t panic, but he does jump a little and opens his eyes widely.
“Oh,” he mutters, “hi.”
“Hi.”
They look at each other.
“I’m sorry—”
“I’m sorry, I—”
Speaking at the same time is also such a cliché. It makes Jay let out a giggle, and Jungwon laughs, again, and this time his dimples show.
“I’m sorry, I swear I wasn’t ignoring you, but…”
“You don’t have to apologize, Wonie, I—”
“Were you serious?”
“Huh?”
Jay’s heart misses a beat.
“About me being pretty.”
So maybe, admitting it wasn’t that hard.
“Yes, of course I was, I would never lie to you,” Jay admits, and sits down beside him, leaving a space between them. Jungwon moves closer.
“Am I pretty, hyung?”
God, Jay dies inside. Just a little. Or a lot. He doesn’t know, because all he can feel is his stomach dropping.
“God,” he stares up and bites his lip. “You’re the prettiest human being I’ve ever met.”
And when he looks back at him, Jungwon is staring right at his mouth. For a moment, Jay thinks he’s hallucinating, because this can’t be happening. Because they’re friends. Because Jungwon is the brightest star and Jay is not even close.
“Wow,” mutters Jungwon. “It was that easy.”
“Huh?”
“Getting you to admit it.”
“Admit what?”
“That you like me,” and then he smiles. And then Jay realizes.
“I never—”
“I knew.”
“How?” He exclaims, panicking. Is he about to get rejected? Did both his friends betray him and told Jungwon?
“Because I’m not blind, hyung,” he says, as if he’s not making Jay’s heart beat out of his ribs.
“I—do you—oh God,” his head falls between his hands.
“Hyung, I was pretending to be mad at you for a reason,” Jungwon begins, “because, well, I wasn’t sure yet, but also, because I like you too and you were driving me insane.”
Jay looks up. There’s no way.
“Huh?”
“I like you too.”
“Don’t lie to me like that now , please,” he pleads.
“Why would I lie?”
And well, perhaps he’s right.
“What the hell, man,” Jay murmurs to himself. “You liked me all this time?”
“Yep?”
“And we were just two dumbasses.”
“Yeah,” Jungwon nods, grinning. “Also Jake-hyung is no good at hiding what he knows.”
“Oh God.”
-
When it comes to first kisses, Jay thinks he wins.
He takes Jungwon home and they make cookies, again, and he makes sure this time Jungwon is covered in flour, as always.
“Care to help?”
“Of course, my baby,” he says, and kisses his cheek, now painting his own nose white.
“Oh, well,” Jungwon drops the mixing bowl on the counter and fully faces Jay.
“Is this war you’re starting?”
“Maybe.”
Then Jungwon leans up, kisses him on the lips, chastely, and before Jay can see galaxies, he’s grabbing his waist and kissing him on the mouth properly. The taste of flour is nothing, undetectable, when it comes to finally tasting Jungwon. To finally experience what those velvet-like lips feel like. To float, to fly. To make sure his face is also covered in flour by the end of the kiss.
“You’re the meanest.”
“I’m the best, look, now we’re even,” says Jay, pointing to their faces.
“Not yet.”
“You think so?”
“You’re missing some here,” he places a finger on his jaw and drags it down his neck.
The way Jay’s heart clutches is not normal.
“Let’s fix it.”
“Okay!”
Now Jay nows. What real love feels like.