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Buck was freaking out.
He was ashamed because he was an adult and he was supposed to handle that situation but he couldn't deny that he was freaking out like a teenager with his first crush.
Even if Eddie wasn't his first crush.
Well, Eddie has never been just a crush but that wasn't the point.
The point was that Buck was freaking out.
He was standing in the middle of his bedroom, staring at his reflection in the mirror as he tried to button up his blue shirt correctly for the hundredth time.
His hands were shaking and so was his heart, which started tumbling into his chest when he checked the time, realizing that Eddie would be there soon.
Not with Chris, not for their typical movie nights or for playing video games all together but he would be there soon to take Buck on a date. A real one.
It wasn't his first date, he went on plenty of dates in the last ten years but it was his first date with Eddie and that detail changed everything.
He felt like he had forgotten how to breathe or to speak or to do everything else, just because Eddie wasn't like all the other people he'd dated, he was… Eddie.
His best friend, his work-partner, the man he was in love with for two years now, the man who changed his life completely, the man who asked him to go on an official date after a never ending amount of days - well, months or even years - of mutual pining.
"Ana and I broke up because she wanted more. More time, more attention, more space into my life. She wanted my heart… but how could I give her something that already belongs to someone else? I am a mess with feelings and relationships but my heart speeds up everytime you look at me with those blue and soft eyes of yours. My stomach clenches everytime you touch me, even if you just want to bother me or to squeeze my arm. I'm terrified because the last thing I want is to ruin our friendship or to screw up what we have but I want to give us a chance so... would you like to have dinner with me? I mean a date, a real one."
He could remember every single word Eddie had said, he could remember how his eyes were soft and warm or how his voice was thick, he could remember every single moment of that ordinary movie night at Eddie's place which suddenly had turned into an extraordinary and memorable one.
So, Evan Buckley was freaking out because he wanted their first official date to be perfect but apparently he wasn't even able to button up his shirt due to his stupid trembling hands.
He sighed heavily, shaking his head as he reached for his phone on the bedside, dialing a quick message.
"Eds, I'm freaking out. Tell me I'm not the only one."
He waited for an answer, fidgeting with the wristband of his shirt as he tried to collect himself, inhaling and exhaling slowly, one breath at a time.
"I'm not freaking out, I'm excited and I can't wait to see you. Anyway, you don't have to freak out, Buck… it's just me and for the record, you won me over a long time ago! We already know each other and we are friends so you have literally nothing to worry about."
Buck smiled so wide that his eyes wrinkled at the corners, his heart was still dancing loudly into his ribcage but Eddie's text made him relax. Eddie was right, as always.
They already knew each other, maybe Buck knew Eddie better than he knew himself.
His stomach clenched with longing and anticipation, he was seriously acting like a teenager but he couldn't stop it.
He was in love with Eddie and he was sure he had never loved someone as much as he loved him so he kept repeating himself that he had every right to freak out until Eddie would show up at the door.
His messy mind wasn't helping because while he - finally - managed to button up his shirt, his brain had started playing a lot of weird and scary scenarios like a movie in front of his eyes.
A lot of "what if" clouded his thoughts, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself that everything would be okay.
He had missed many opportunities, he had ruined so many relationships but he couldn't let himself ruin his relationship with Eddie.
He couldn't waste the most important opportunity of his life, the one that would let him be happy. Happy for real.
The doorbell abruptly interrupted his twirling thoughts and Buck silently thanked Eddie's timing, the waiting was killing him.
Buck checked his reflection in the mirror one more time before heading to the door, his stomach was twisting on itself and he could feel his heart rumbling in his ears.
"Hey Eds", he greeted him softly, his voice a little trembling and his cheeks hurt from how wide his smile was.
"Hey", Eddie murmured, looking at him intensely as if he wanted to make sure Buck was really there, in front of him. "You are gorgeous, Evan. This shirt brings out your eyes."
"Thank you." Buck blushed, ducking his head as he felt Eddie's gaze still on him.
That was the first explicit compliment from Eddie and he didn't know how to handle it, he was used to compliments on his blue eyes but he never felt like that before.
They stood there, an awkward silence between them until Eddie bravely took the leap, hugging Buck and resting his head on his shoulder a little longer than usual.
"We should go, are you ready?" he asked, breaking their hug, his soft smile still in place as he glanced at Buck with warm eyes.
"Yeah, let's go." He turned to lock the door.
His hands were not shaking anymore, the burden on his chest was flown away, the negative thoughts were forgotten.
Eddie was his date. Everything was real and they were together.
"Eds", he called him before he could get in the car. "You are very, very handsome tonight", he stated, sliding his eyes on his figure, looking at him with bright eyes and the softest of expressions. "But for the record, you won me over the second time I saw you, because the first one I was acting like a dumb guy and my insecurities were eating me alive", he confessed sheepishly, smiling at the old memories, remembering Eddie's text from before.
Their bond had grown so much over the years and he couldn't be more grateful, they found each other and no matter how hard the path had been, they had followed it side by side. That path had brought them to the leap they were taking, allowing them to explore new extraordinary roads in their relationship.
~
Christmas lights spreaded all over the city center and the streets were crowded as Buck and Eddie walked side by side, their shoulders occasionally brushing, their smiles still in place since they left Buck’s house.
The crowd around them was loud but they were so lost in one another that the world seemed to stop every time their eyes locked.
Eddie guided Buck to the restaurant he booked, a fancy and romantic one, so different from the kind of fast food they went with Chris or the crew. He wanted to surprise Buck and, judging by his amazed expression and the blush on his cheeks, he had accomplished his mission and he mirrored his huge and sheepish smile.
“I know that this can be weird, we already know each other and Chris adores you and so do I but I just wanted to give you a special evening because you deserve… this”, Eddie said once they were sitting at their table, gesturing between them. He glanced at Buck, drowning in his ocean eyes. “You deserve a real first date. You deserve someone to take you out to dinner, someone to compliment you, someone to make you feel special and important, someone who doesn’t take you for granted. You deserve someone who hugs you whenever you need it, someone who loves you as you deserve, truly and fiercely and completely.”
“Eds… I…” Buck stammered, overwhelmed by Eddie’s speech, overwhelmed by all his feelings for the man before him, the man he wanted to call his man.
“Let me finish”, he murmured gently, his voice filled with fondness. “I know that I’m not perfect, well I’m the furthest from perfect but I really, really would like to be that person for you. The person who…”
“You already are, Eds”, Buck cutted him off, the softest of smiles on his lips as he reached for Eddie’s hand, caressing his knuckles gently. “You have always been. And yeah, this first date is a little weird because I’m already so gone over you but… I’m glad you asked me on a date. I’m more than glad, actually.”
Eddie giggled tenderly, squeezing Buck’s hand back. “I’m glad too, Evan.” He paused, enjoying the warmth of Buck’s skin underneath his fingertips.
He could hear the voices of the other customers in the restaurant, the noises coming from the crowded streets, the laughter of the children running on the sidewalks but everything faded away as he looked at Buck.
He could hear and see nothing but Buck’s eyes so blue and magnetic, his smile so bright and beaming, his skin so warm and smooth under his touch.
He had never felt like that before, like the world was just a background to his happiness.
He had never felt like everything was in the right place, at the right time.
"Let's toast to… to weird first dates and new beginnings?" Buck proposed, raising his glass of white wine.
"Yeah", Eddie smiled, mirroring his gestures as his heart was sparkling like the bubbles in his wine. "Let's toast to… us."
Eddie could feel something intense and powerful stirring up in his chest as he pronounced that simple word.
He was used to handling his life all by himself, he was used to being alone in his troubles. He needed to be strong for himself and then for his son, he had learnt to not show his weakness, his need for affection.
He had learnt to live far from his parents, far from his childhood, far from his old city, far from… his feelings.
But then he had met Buck and that blond guy with the sea in his eyes had noticed everything he was trying to hide.
Buck had noticed his big heart, his struggles, his fears and his insecurities.
Buck had looked at him like no one had ever done before, not just with his eyes but with his soul and heart too.
Buck had looked at him like he wanted to know him truly and fully, like he wanted to see beyond the surface, beyond the walls he had built to protect himself. And Eddie had let him do it, not always consciously but he had until he was not alone anymore.
He let Buck find his own space into his life and then into his heart and slowly, carefully, Eddie lowered his defenses, falling in love again, against all odds.
Just because he had found the one, his person among billions of people all over the world.
Until in his life there was an us again.
~
The night was getting colder as Buck and Eddie walked side by side again, crossing the street.
A girl in a hurry ran without paying attention to the other pedestrians and Buck moved quickly to avoid her, pressing himself against Eddie.
Their hands touched slightly, Eddie's knuckles brushing against his, lighting up his heart like a firework. He could feel his veins throbbing against his own, his skin itching to touch Eddie's, his warmth drawing him like a magnet.
Buck glanced at Eddie, a soft smile on his face and a light blush spreading across his cheeks.
"I -... um, can I hold your hand?", he asked sheepishly, his voice a little trembling as he ducked his head, hiding from Eddie's soft and lovely gaze which made his heart flutter.
Eddie's lips turned up into a bright smile, capable of lighting up Los Angeles during a black out.
He nodded slightly, craving for that kind of intimate and precious touch.
The world stopped again as Buck interlaced their fingers slowly, before bringing them to his mouth to kiss the back of Eddie's hand.
Every piece of Buck's broken heart finally shifted in the right place.
He had always been a tactile person and a fan of PDA so he loved walking with Eddie like that, as a couple, in the middle of the chaos of an ordinary night in LA.
"Eds, look! The ice-rink!", he almost shouted, holding his hand and enjoying its warmth. "God, I love ice skating!", he said enthusiastically, as happy as a child in a candy store.
"Seriously?", Eddie asked mockingly, a sly smile dancing on his lips. "I mean, is there something you can't do?"
Buck giggled and shrugged smugly.
"Well, yes… I can't dance and most of all I can't stay away from you."
"Uh, that's such a sappy thing to say", he joked, pretending to be nauseated even if his soft expression was saying the opposite.
"Shut up and stop acting like a brat, you're the cutest", Buck replied, sticking his tongue out as he nudged his shoulder. "Let's go ice-skating!"
"What? No way, I have never ice-skated and I don't want to break a leg just before Christmas!", he stated, shaking his head vehemently. "You go, I'll wait here."
"Come on Eds!" Buck pouted, making eyes as he stuck out his lower lip. "You won't break your leg, I promise. I'm really good with ice-skating, I will help you!", he insisted, his voice as convincing as possible.
Eddie rolled his eyes, huffing, as he accepted the undeniable fact that Buck had already wrapped him around his finger.
"I hate you", he grunted, earning a joyful laugh from Buck.
"Nah, you don't", he stated firmly, heading to the ice-rink as Eddie looked at him like a lovesick teenager. "It's fun, Eds. Trust me, you'll love it and you'll beg me to come back."
"I trust you", Eddie murmured, lacing up his skates. "I have a bad, really bad, balance. And I don't want to take a bad fall or, worse, make a fool of myself."
"I'll make sure it won't happen", Buck promised, guiding him on the ice. "Hold my hand and follow my steps, okay? Nice and slow, I'll help you."
Eddie closed his eyes for a moment, sighing as he got ready for his first time on skates, then he focused on the grip of Buck's hand and on his gentle and encouraging voice.
"You are going well", Buck cheered, holding his hand tightly as they skated slowly and carefully, enjoying the Christmas atmosphere all around them.
A playlist of Christmas songs was playing in the background, colorful lights were spreaded above their heads and Los Angeles was wrapped in a blanket of joy.
"Three laps and I'm still on my feet, unbelievable!" Eddie exclaimed, paying attention to every movement.
He had to admit that skating was funny but his pounding heart reminded him that everything was funny and incredible if Buck was beside him.
"I'm proud of you Eds", Buck murmured as he smiled, reaching out to Eddie's cheek with his free hand. "I really am."
They both knew that it wasn't just for the ice-skating and Eddie caught in a breath for the intensity of Buck's gaze, so warm and capable to reach and cradle his soul.
Eddie somehow managed to stop without falling in the middle of their fourth lap; he stared at Buck's face, alternating the look between his blue eyes and his parted lips as the city suddenly became silent and the music stopped and the crowd disappeared.
He couldn't help but lean in, slowly, cupping Buck's cheeks without unlocking their gazes as their faces were just a few inches away.
His stomach clenched with fear, longing and something undefined as Eddie closed his eyes and took the leap, closing the distance between him and his happiness, colliding their lips together while the last piece of his life's puzzle found its right spot.
Eddie kissed him softly and tentatively at the beginning, memorizing and relishing the taste of Buck's lips against his own as one of his hands reached for the back of his neck.
He pushed back for just a moment, glancing at Buck to find his blue eyes clouded with love and tenderness. He smiled on his mouth, kissing him softly again and again until Buck licked his bottom lip, turning the kiss into a passionate dance of tongues and shivers, as the moon above them witnessed a rising sparkle between two hearts now racing at the same rhythm.
~
Two hours later, Eddie was kissing Buck again, against the door frame of his loft, unable to step back and wish him goodnight.
"Eds", Buck mumbled, thumbing his cheekbone. "Wanna come in?", he asked sheepishly, his voice not louder than a whisper. "I don't want to rush or to step over the line, it's just…"
Eddie cut him off with another kiss, nodding gently as he took his hand, following Buck into the living room and then stumbling on their feet as they managed to reach for the kitchen counter, their lips still pressed together.
"Buck", Eddie murmured, brushing his nose against Buck's. "You turn me into a bad boy, I have never kissed someone on a first date."
"Yeah, you're such a bad guy now", Buck replied mockingly, peppering kisses along his jawline. "Would you like to stay over? We don't need to cross the line, I just want to stay with you… this loft is too big and too empty when you and Chris are not here."
Eddie smiled softly, his cheeks a little blushed as he figured out what staying over meant.
It wasn't the first time they slept in the same house but now that was different and he couldn't be happier for that incredible change.
"You are stuck with me, Evan Buckley", he answered, earning a laugh from Buck.
They walked along the hallway, every step taking them closer to the final destination of their first and successful date.
Buck's bed was comfortable and warm as the atmosphere in the bedroom, silence filling the air while they gravitated towards each other and Eddie's chest turned into the perfect pillow for Buck's head.
Eddie held him close, caressing his back gently as Buck tightened the grip around his waist, closing his eyes as their bodies fit together perfectly, no distance between them.
"Are you okay?", Eddie asked, a little concerned about Buck's silence. "What are you thinking?"
Buck blushed, hiding his head in the crook of Eddie's neck, which suddenly became his favourite place in the world. He felt safe in his arms, lulled by his steady heartbeat, so safe that the words tumbled out without his permission.
"I love you", he whispered as he could feel fireworks in his chest and shivers running up and down his spine. He didn't glance at Eddie, he just reached for his hand to squeeze it and play with his fingers. "I know that's too soon and that's not how a first date is supposed to end but I love you, Eddie. I love you so much that it freaks me out because I ruined so many relationships in my past but then I figured out that maybe, just maybe, you are the reason why it never worked out with anyone else."
He finally looked at Eddie, who was staring at him with a huge smile and teary eyes, fondness and softness across his features.
"I don't expect you to say something, I just needed to be honest with you and…"
"I love you too, Evan", he mumbled as a tear slipped down his eyes. "I want… us. I want all of this, kisses and hugs and dates and anything else a relationship means. I want to call you mine and I want to be yours, fully and completely."
Buck started to cry and he barely noticed it, too focused on Eddie's words and his cracked voice. He couldn't believe that everything was real, he had dreamt about that for months and now that dream was his reality, his - their - life.
"That's nothing better than you saying you want us", he whispered, relishing the great taste of the word us on his tongue, between his lips. "I mean, I'm not used to this kind of date, you know? My dates usually ended with clothes spread all over the room and sex and a void in my chest or a mess in my head but as I said before, every mistake led me to you, to us… to the happiness I've always looked for."
Eddie nodded, agreeing with him because he thought the same.
Every step had brought him to that blue-eyed guy, with the cutest smile and the biggest heart. The guy who had made him fall in love again despite his bruised heart, the guy who was the last piece of the puzzle, the right answer to all of his questions.
"It was the best first date ever", Eddie said, his grin still in place as he noticed that Buck was struggling to keep his eyes open. "Goodnight, mi amor", he wished, kissing his birthmark gently as Buck's breath lulled him to sleep.
For the first time in years Eddie felt he was right where he belonged, surrounded by Buck's embrace.