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“Did you see?” Jordie asks, and Jamie already knows what he’s talking about. Jordie is sitting on their parents deck, beer in one hand and phone in the other. Everyone else is in the house, which Jamie is glad for.
“Yup.” Jamie ran five miles and then another two when he saw Tyler’s post. Of course Tyler’s supportive. It looks like everyone is—support for Luke is coming from a million directions. Jamie’s glad for him. “I did.”
Jordie looks at him. Jamie stares back, waiting for some joke about the showers or soap or ass slapping. First openly gay player. Jamie’s sure there will be jokes.
“Pretty cool,” Jordie says easily.
Jamie nods, surprised. “Yeah, it is. Gonna shower.”
Jamie is not ready to think about this, let alone talk about it. What would it have been like to know yourself at 19 like that? All Jamie knew was that he wanted to play hockey. Some days it feels like that’s still the only thing he knows about himself.
**
There are statements of support still popping up all over the place. Jamie runs a lot. It doesn’t bother him—he’s glad. The kid deserves it.
But Jamie can’t stop wondering how someone can be so sure at that age. At 19, Jamie just hooked up with whoever showed interest in him. The guys at home used to joke that Jamie's type was Yes. They’re not wrong—Jamie was happy to make out at the bar with a cute girl, take her home, see where it went. It’s worked out pretty great for him, for the most part. It’s how he met Katie. He doesn’t let himself think about the night he wrecked that—Tyler in a booth with Blacker, making Jamie feel invisible. Some girl was trying to talk to him, distracting Jamie from the way Tyler kept touching Jesse’s arm. When she asked Jamie to get out of there, he said yes, just so he could be anywhere else.
“How’s your summer been?” Pavs hands him a beer, breaking him from his reverie.
“Good. Ran a lot. Always nice to spend time with the fam.” Jamie tips his bottle at Pavs and takes a sip. “Thanks for having me over tonight, saved me from having to go to the grocery store.”
“You’ve been back like a week.” Pavs laughs.
“Been like three nights. There’s a lot of delivery to catch up on. How about you?”
“Good—spent some time back in Wisconsin. Lots of lake time, lots of family time. Nathan loves it there. So does Sarah—she wants us to retire there.”
“Sounds awesome.”
“Tyler in town?”
“Two more days.”
“Bet you can’t wait, especially after last season.”
Jamie smiles and nods and tries not to feel embarrassed that everyone knows how important Tyler is to him. “Yeah, it’ll be good. Miss that dude.” Jamie hardly got to talk to him this summer. Tyler’s been all over the place seeing people—he never seems to have any free time.
**
“You decent?” Tyler’s voice rings out from the entryway.
“You can’t just let yourself in and expect people to be dressed.” Jamie is dressed though.
“Knew you wouldn’t be naked,” Tyler says when he walks into the kitchen.
“I could have been,” Jamie protests.
Tyler shakes his head a little and throws himself at Jamie, arms around his neck. Jamie wraps his arms around Tyler’s waist and hugs him back hard, picking him up a little.
Tyler bursts out laughing. “Missed you, Benny.”
Jamie sets Tyler down and feels himself blushing. He didn’t mean to pick Tyler up. “Missed you too,” he mumbles.
Tyler hoists himself onto the island and watches Jamie pour his smoothie into a glass.
“You want some? I made extra.” He made double actually. He’s not even sure why—he knew Segs was back, but didn’t think he’d come over.
“Sure, if you have enough.”
He grabs another glass and pours the rest for Tyler.
“Thanks. How are you—how’s the fam?” Tyler takes a sip of his smoothie. “Damn this is good.”
Jamie smiles and takes a sip. It is good. “I added peanut butter powder.”
“You look good.” Tyler snakes a hand under the hem of Jamie’s sleeve and squeezes his biceps. “Thanks for the smoothie. Tell me everything.”
Jamie grins. It’s been a long time since he was one of Tyler’s first stops when he got back. Tyler looks good, relaxed and a little tan. "It was great. It was nice to see my parents. Was fun to play uncle.”
“Jamie—you aren’t playing. You are an uncle.”
“You know what I mean.”
Tyler glares at him.
“Yeah, yeah.” Jamie rolls his eyes. “It was good though. Took the boat out, time with the boys. What about you? How was Jackie’s birthday?” Jamie doesn’t ask about the weekend Jesse was in town.
“So great. She loved it. I love being able to do stuff like that, you know?”
“You give great gifts.”
Tyler shrugs. “Sometimes.”
“Something happen?”
Tyler shakes his head. “Nah, all good.”
Jamie looks at him—it doesn't sound all good. “Something bothering you?”
Tyler shakes his head again. “We should go to the Bahamas. You’d love it.”
Jamie nods. It’s been a long time since they went on a trip together. “Vegas was fun.” Jamie still remembers being sun warm and beer drunk, Tyler rubbing sunscreen across his shoulders, his hands big on Jamie’s back, Tyler doing a body shot off him, his mouth soft and wet on Jamie’s chest.
“That was like a million years ago. We need a redo. Somewhere with an ocean. You can pack that pink bathing suit.” Tyler makes a show of looking him up and down, raising an eyebrow at Jamie.
Jamie blushes. “I’d be down.” He knows they won’t get a chance before the season starts, not with Tyler leaving for his Biosteel whatever.
Tyler pulls out his phone. “Maybe we can go before training starts—when are you free?”
“I’m pretty open I think.” Jamie has some stuff, but nothing he can’t move.
“Fuck—I have camp.”
Jamie nods. “Yeah, that’s soon right, the Biosteel thing.”
“Yeah,” Tyler frowns at his phone. “Wait. You should come to that. It’ll be fun. The Bahamas can wait.”
“That’s not really—I don’t think so.”
“Ah come on—you said you were open. I think you’ll like it. You can stay at my place—you wouldn’t even need a hotel.”
“Ty, I don’t know…” Jamie doesn’t want to say no but there’s a reason he’s never been.
“Since we hardly got to play together last season—we can make up for lost time. Miss skating with you, Jam.”
Jamie takes a sip of smoothie. He could say no. He should say no. “Yeah, alright. Just this once.”
Tyler lightly punches his arm and rubs the same spot for a second. “Fuck, yes. I’ll set it up—you won’t have to do anything. Gonna be so sweet.”
**
“This is not sweet,” Jamie grumbles twelve days later. Tyler is standing over him, sweating, in a backwards hat and a ridiculous cut off t-shirt that shows off his abs and his cheeks are pink.
“You’re fucking killing it. Two more.”
Jamie grunts and presses up again, the crosshatch pattern biting into his hands, his arms so fatigued as he extends them. Tyler always said camp was intense, but Jamie figured he was exaggerating. “I can’t—”
“You can, I know you can.”
Jamie exhales and does one more, because Tyler is looking at him so sweetly. Jamie pushes through with everything he has, pushing away the word sweetly. That’s not what this is, not what Tyler means. He lets the bar clatter back into the rack and pants in relief.
“Knew you could.” Tyler traces a finger along the scar above Jamie’s upper lip, left by a puck a lifetime ago. The word sweetly rings in Jamie’s brain again, like an air horn or a buzzer. Tyler’s fingertip is gentle along the line, and Jamie just lays there, letting him touch. “Always forget about this.” Jamie got his beard all trimmed up for this week, even though it wasn’t that long. Tyler’s right, his scar is a lot more noticeable when his beard is short.
Jamie smiles at him, just a little, not wanting to move too much. Tyler traces along the short scar again. “This must have hurt.”
It’s always been like this with Tyler. Easy, fun, honest. He fit into Jamie’s life instantly and now Jamie can’t imagine his life without him. Last year, with Tyler out, Jamie had a glimpse of it, and he didn’t like it. It’s part of the deal, though, no one stays in one place forever. Jamie doesn’t know how to avoid it. It’s not like they’re going to settle down in the same place though—Tyler has to think about Kate.
“Jesus, Tyler, get a room,” someone yells from across the gym.
Jamie stops smiling and moves to sit up, but Tyler looks down at him, grinning. He smooths a hand across Jamie’s forehead. “You have one more set.”
Jamie shuts his eyes. This day needs to be over.
“Don’t be fucking weird,” Tyler yells back at whoever it was. “I can touch my friends, sorry no one likes you that much.”
Not for the first time, Jamie is jealous of the easy way Tyler is with people. How affectionate and supportive he is. He never worries about how anything looks. Jamie never stops worrying about how things look.
“Benny, you ready?” Tyler traces the scar on Jamie’s lip again. Jamie doesn't want him to stop.
Jamie opens his eyes. “Yeah. Last six. I get the first shower when we get home.”
Tyler nods. “Deal.”
Jamie’s dead on his feet by the time they get back to Tyler’s apartment. Jamie’s staying with him during this hell week of training, just like Tyler promised. No hotel. The apartment is nothing special, a two bedroom with a decent bath, the same kind of leather sofa Tyler has back in Dallas in this living room here too. It’s too big for the space, but comfortable as hell. Jamie can’t wait to collapse on it.
The shower feels good, all his muscles loosening under the hot water. This is only day three. Jamie seriously considers booking a flight out and sneaking off first thing in the morning. He turns his face into the water, eyes closed, water bouncing off his forehead, streaming down his face. He traces the scar on his lip. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.
**
Nothing about the next few days ends up easy. Jamie vows never to do this again, and makes a point of telling Tyler at least once a day. “Let me make it up to you—let’s go to my cottage for a couple of days,” Tyler had pleaded, and Jamie nodded.
So now, he’s in some rental car that smells clean in the bad way—too harsh, too much like it’s trying to hide a crime, Tyler belting out the wrong words to every song as they leave Toronto.
The cottage is huge, not at all what Jamie was expecting, sitting on a sparkling blue lake that reminds Jamie of home. It looks cold and clean and the perfect antidote to the car smell. Jamie stretches the second he gets out of the car, stretching his arms up high and then touching his toes. He’s sore in places he didn’t know he could be and sitting in the car for a couple of hours didn’t help. “Seggy, this place is amazing.”
Tyler’s looking at him weird. “Thanks.”
Jamie blushes. Tyler doesn’t need to stretch, Tyler seems unaffected by the last few days. “I’m just sore from your camp thing. Need to stretch.”
“Me too, my hammies are tight,” Tyler says, stretching out the vowels.
That makes Jamie feel a little better. He helps Tyler grab their bags and follows him into the house.
“This house is really nice.” Jamie’s impressed. It feels more like Tyler than his house in Dallas. “Did Kate help?”
“No, this was all me. Well—and my mom and sisters.” Tyler’s face is weird and closed off. Jamie doesn’t like it. “Me and Kate—we aren’t. The last year, I don’t know. Moved us apart instead of together. She moved out while I was in the Bahamas.”
Jamie feels—fucking shocked. They’re standing across from each other in the giant entry way. Why didn’t Tyler tell him? “Are you okay? I didn’t know.”
Tyler shrugs. “Yeah, I mean it sucks, but it wasn’t—we were in different places. I’m not even close to done playing yet, if I can help it.”
Jamie nods, he knows how hard Tyler worked to get back out there. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Jamie’s voice is gentle, he’s almost embarrassed by how soft he sounds.
Tyler’s face relaxes a little. “Wasn’t ready to talk about it. No one really knows.”
Jamie reaches a hand up and places it lightly on Ty’s shoulder. Tyler's shoulder is warm from being in the sun on the ride up. Jamie gives a little squeeze trying to convey all the things he doesn’t know how to say. “That’s tough. I’m sorry.” Jamie’s hand is still on Tyler. Should Jamie hug him?
Tyler smiles, a little sadness behind it, and clears his throat. “Well, the car isn’t gonna unpack itself.”
They get the rest of the stuff out of the car, some groceries and some beer. Tyler points to various cabinets and Jamie puts things where Tyler wants them. He shows Jamie to a giant room with a huge bed covered in pillows. “I’m just down the hall, want to see?”
Jamie nods. He sets down his bag and follows Tyler down the hall to a similar but more personal room. There’s a picture of the team on the wall from a few years ago and it makes Jamie smile, that he’s here, even when he’s not.
Tyler pulls off his shirt and chucks it at Jamie. “I’m going for a swim, you coming?”
Jamie throws the shirt back, laughing. Tyler looks good like this, shirtless, relaxed. “Yeah, sure. I’ll just go change.”
When they get outside, Tyler takes off running. “C’mon.”
Jamie runs after him, following Tyler with a splash into the water. Jamie shakes his hair off his face when he surfaces, gasping from the cold. Tyler’s hair is slicked back off his forehead. He’s grinning, squinting in the sun, a few drops of water trailing down his face. The water is deep, and Jamie starts swimming back toward the dock. Tyler starts swimming too, like he’s racing Jamie to the dock. Jamie lets him pull ahead, staying out of Tyler’s splash zone. Tyler hauls himself back onto the dock, his shoulders so broad from all the training this summer. Tyler stands for a second, dripping wet on the dock, sun behind him before cannonballing back into the water. A wave of water splashes into Jamie’s face and he’s still spluttering when Tyler pops back up.
Jamie shakes his head and slips under the surface. He swims over to Tyler, and grabs his ankle and pulls him down hard. Jamie swims back up, letting the sunlight warm his face and laughs when Tyler surfaces. He looks amused and annoyed all at once.
“That was rude.”
“You started it.”
Tyler splashes him in the face. “Okay, fine. Truce.”
Jamie laughs and splashes him back. “Okay, fine. A truce.”
They swim out toward the middle of the lake and float for a while, until the sun dips lowers.
“Better head in.” Tyler tips his head toward the shore.
The next morning, Jamie wakes up to Tyler landing on his bed, bouncing with a surprised gasp. Jamie’s sprawled out on his stomach, in a pair of shorts, the comforter barely covering his legs. He opens his eyes and watches as Tyler scoots up the bed and onto his side, facing Jamie.
“Morning. You slept so late.”
“What time is it?” Jamie mumbles. He woke up around 7 and fell back asleep, his whole body tired from the workouts and the drive and the swimming.
“Almost 10.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to.”
“Don’t need to be sorry.” Tyler smiles at him. He reaches over and trails a finger around the edge of Jamie’s shoulder blade. “All those presses paid off. Bet you get kissed here all the time.”
“Nah,” Jamie says, letting his eyes close again. “Never.”
“You should.”
“Go for it.” Jamie hears what he’s said too late. He keeps his eyes closed. He feels Tyler shift on the bed. Jamie doesn’t move.
Tyler presses a light kiss to the same place he traced with his finger, his beard soft but a little prickly against Jamie’s skin. He does it again.
Jamie opens his eyes as Tyler's head lands back on the pillow. That was weird, right? This whole thing is weird, laying in bed with your teammate, half-awake and half-dressed. Jamie closes his eyes again. Maybe it is weird, but it’s nice. No one’s ever noticed his shoulders before.
“What do you want to do today?” Tyler’s voice is quiet and so close.
Jamie opens his eyes and blinks a few times, banishing the sleep and the kisses. Tyler looks at him for a long moment, waiting for Jamie to say something. “Whatever you want,” Jamie finally says, knowing he’s going to agree to whatever Tyler has in mind.
Tyler grins, contemplating his options. He traces his finger in a quick swing across the same patch of skin. “Golf?”
“Sure. Winner picks dinner,” Jamie says.
**
They fly home, in too short seats, elbows touching on the arm rest. Jamie closes his eyes, he can usually fall asleep before take-off if he relaxes. He doesn't usually have Tyler this close to him, though, jostling him, tapping his fingers, humming quietly. Jamie inhales and exhales a few times before giving up. The flight is short. Jamie plays solitaire on his phone, arm lightly resting against Tyler’s the whole time.
They wind their way through the airport, making their way toward the exit. Jamie figures he should be home in about thirty minutes, as long as he can get an Uber.
“Figured we’d go back to my place for pizza? See the boys?”
Jamie turns his head to look at Tyler. They’ve been together for over a week, Jamie figured Tyler would want some space. “Uh—”
“Or not.” Tyler amends. “If you want to get home. The dogs would love to see you, though.”
“Yeah, okay. Pizza.”
“If you want.”
Jamie nods. They’re still walking in sync, years on the ice make it easy to move together. “Pepperoni?”
“Always.”
The dogs go crazy when Tyler opens the door, jumping and barking. Tyler laughs and sits right down on the floor, letting them crawl all over him, greeting each of them. They take turns jumping on Jamie, demanding attention. As suddenly as it started it’s over, all three heading to the kitchen to await their treats.
Tyler laughs. “Treat duty or pizza ordering?”
Jamie pulls his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll order.” He gets one pepperoni pizza and one of the buffalo chicken kind Tyler likes.
Tyler grins when he flips open the box to see his favorite. “Thanks dude.”
They settle onto the sofa, ESPN on in the background, Jamie reading through some emails about this coming season. This sofa is more comfortable than his, he’s glad he let Tyler convince him to come over.
“I can see why you bought this sofa twice,” Jamie says when he’s done eating, tipping his head back to rest.
“Right?” Tyler agrees. “Probably my best purchase that wasn’t a watch.”
Tyler flips around, they watch part of a show about sharks, a few minutes of some show in Alaska, a few more minutes of ESPN. Tyler’s leg is bouncing gently and Gerry’s got his head resting on Jamie’s thigh. Jamie closes his eyes. He should have tried harder to nap on the plane.
Next thing he knows, the room is quiet, except for Tyler whispering his name. Jamie opens his eyes as Tyler gives his shoulder a squeeze.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to pass out.”
“All good.”
“I’ll get out of here, I’m sure it’s late.” Jamie reaches into his pocket for his phone. What time is it?
“You can stay, if you want?” Tyler offers. Jamie looks at his phone. It’s 11:30.
“No, it’s okay. I should get home.”
“I’ll drive you,” Tyler says.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Jamie.”
“Yeah, okay,” Jamie mumbles, standing up and stretching.
Tyler drives him home, a route Jamie’s driven so many times now it’s imprinted on him. His house is dark when they pull up.
“Thanks.” The car is quiet, Tyler’s got the radio on low. Jamie feels like he should say something but he doesn’t know what.
“Anytime. I’m glad we did this.” Tyler reaches over and ruffles Jamie’s hair.
“Me too.” Jamie admits. The training was brutal but the lake was nice. Tyler beat him at golf and took Jamie out for steak, and the next day Jamie won and took him out for seafood. They lit a fire one night. They took Tyler’s boat out a few times and they both got a little sunburned on their noses. Tyler woke him up each morning, but didn’t kiss him again. Tyler looked sad when he locked up. Jamie knew how he felt. “It was really great, Seggy.”
Tyler smiles at him, something small and soft before it turns into a big grin. “Knew you’d like camp.”
Jamie shakes his head. “Not what I meant.”
“I know what you meant.” Tyler winks at him and Jamie laughs.
Jamie’s house is too quiet when he gets inside.
**
Jamie laughs and braces himself as Tyler flies across the ice, crashing into him, arms raised. “Your boy is back!”
“Yeah, you are.” Jamie can’t stop giggling, giddy with relief that Tyler is here. Being at camp was one thing—but to be with Tyler on their ice, it’s better.
Dave calls Tyler over and Jamie watches as he skates off. He looks good—really good. Tyler moves differently, slicker, faster than the other guys. He makes it look effortless. Jamie always looks like he’s trying, racing down the ice. Tyler just glides, getting where he needs to go, yelling out encouragement the whole time.
Jamie skates over, stopping short and bumping Tyler’s shoulder just as Dave walks away. “All good?”
“Yeah, just a check-in. Told you I’m back.”
“Okay lovebirds, back on the ice,” Bones shouts.
Jamie shakes his head. They’ve been playing together for 8 years, he thought the jokes would have ended by now.
“Embarrassed to be my guy?” Tyler teases.
“No—never,” Jamie blurts out. “You’re the best.”
Tyler smiles at him, the same small smile he gave Jamie in his driveway the other night. It’s almost intimate. “You too, Jamie.”
“Fellas—c’mon.”
“We better get out there,” Jamie says, after a long second.
Practice is grueling, his legs sore from pushing so hard. These first few practices are always the toughest—getting back into it. It’s not until he’s laying in bed that he thinks about that moment on the ice with Tyler again, the long look. Tyler calling Jamie his. Jamie should be embarrassed but he can’t stop smiling at the ceiling. Tyler’s always been in his own category for Jamie, closer than a friend, something more, something unnameable. Jamie is more comfortable with him than anyone, in some ways—even Jordie.
Jamie rolls over, pulling the blankets higher. That was one good part about being with Katie. Jamie used to lay awake in bed next to her sometimes, trying to imagine falling asleep next to her forever. Most nights, he could see it, see her there next to him. It made the future feel less unknown.
Pavs has it easy—he knows what the future looks like. A wife, a kid, a dog. He already survived a major move. Sometimes when he sees Joe with his family, Jamie can’t help but wonder if he’ll ever get that. Here, in the dark, it seems unlikely.
**
Jamie is sitting across from a tiny blonde who’s talking about—
Fuck, what is she talking about? Jamie sneaks a glance at his phone. Tyler sent a pic of Cash and Jamie grins at his phone. He’d rather be there now, beer in his hand, spread out on Tyler’s sofa. It’s just wide enough for them to fit together, Tyler’s feet by Jamie’s side.
“Do you have pets?” Jamie needs to stop wishing he was on Tyler’s couch. Jamie hopes she wasn’t talking about her pet already.
She smiles at him and nods at the phone in his hand. “You can answer that if you need to.”
“Nah, just a pic of my—friend's dog.” Jamie doesn’t want to be the kind of guy who can’t pay attention on a date. He shoves his phone back into his pocket and tries to focus.
Jamie listens and nods and the whole thing feels like a presser, like it’s work. It doesn’t help that she keeps asking him about hockey, so Jamie ends up giving her the same stock answers he does in interviews. He feels lucky, he loves these guys, it’s an honor. The only good thing about answering questions is it makes it easier to focus.
The rest of the night is fine, she’s sweet. Interested. Jamie can’t complain. He orders them another round, because she’s still talking and smiling. He resists the urge to check his phone. He can do this—go on dates, be attentive, try to find someone else. He takes her home, because he’s supposed to, because she keeps touching his arm, because who says no to an offer like this?
When she leaves in the morning, Jamie knows he’ll never see her again.
**
Jamie collapses onto the bench in Tyler’s stall the minute he hits the locker room, it’s closer than his. “Fuck,” he mutters. Everything hurts. They’ve been back at it for a week and Jamie is ready for a rest day tomorrow.
“Poor Jamie,” Tyler says when he sees Jamie sitting there. “You need help getting out of that?” For a split second Jamie thinks about saying yes. He’s tired. Tyler would be nice about it. Pulling off his jersey and his pads, untaping his wrists, sending him to the showers.
Braden starts laughing from behind Tyler and Jamie glares at Tyler. Jamie’s glad he didn’t say yes, that would have been mortifying.
“You around later?” Holtby asks. “Brandi has plans.”
Tyler looks at Jamie. They don’t technically have plans, but now that they’re both single, they’ve fallen back into their old habits—hanging out is their default setting. This week they settled into a routine, heading back to Tyler’s after practice, grilling something, playing with the dogs.
Jamie’s been stopping to grab some beer on the way, earning a groan from Tyler one night. “If you need to bring something, bring flowers. I have enough beer to last a month.” Last night Jamie fell asleep on the couch, to be woken up by Tyler’s hand brushing his hair off his forehead and putting a blanket over him. When he whispered stay, Jamie just nodded and let himself fall back asleep. They went for a run together this morning and rode over together.
Jamie shrugs. They should get to know Braden better. “We can grab an extra steak tonight. I think we still have some of those salad-in-a-bag things you like.”
Tyler turns to Holtby. “Yeah, come over. We’re grilling. I’m like Bobby Flay, with more dogs.”
“You have three, right?”
Tyler nods. “Gerry, Cash and Marshall. We’ll see if they like you as much as Benny.”
“Seems like he’s got a head start earning their love.”
Jamie laughs. “I’ve given them a lot of treats.”
Tyler nods. “He does. Give us like an hour to get home. I’ll text you my address.”
In the end Jamie manages to undress himself, dragging himself to the shower. He stands there for a long time, letting the hot water run down his back. It feels so good, he never wants to leave. Not even for steaks and beer at Tyler’s. He tips his head back under the water, and that feels good too, rinsing off all the helmet sweat. By the time he gets out, Tyler’s dressed and scrolling on his phone. “Sorry—” Jamie starts.
“All good. We’ve got all night.”
Jamie blushes. It sounds. Well, it’s true but it sounds like something else. “We do.”
Tyler whips his truck into a parking space when they get to the grocery store and Jamie jumps out of the car. “Be right back.”
Jamie heads to the butcher counter and then loops back to grab beer. Tyler’s joke about flowers replays in his head, so he heads to grab one of those premade bouquets instead. He can’t wait to see Tyler’s face, he’s gonna laugh so hard. He grabs an extra salad bag just to be safe, worst case they’ll eat it tomorrow.
Jamie hands the bouquet to Tyler with a flourish when he hops back into the truck. “Not beer.”
Tyler does laugh, just like Jamie thought he would. “You shouldn’t have.”
“Ask and you shall receive.”
Tyler tilts his head slightly and looks at Jamie. “You’re a good listener.”
Jamie grins. “I’m really not. You’re the exception.”
Tyler puts the flowers on the backseat and squeezes Jamie’s knee. “Better get home.”
When they pull up to Tyler’s, Holtby is already parked out front. “Fuck, I was in the shower too long.”
“Dude, it’s fine.”
“Sorry,” Jamie apologizes the minute they are all out of their cars.
“No worries, thanks for saving me from a boring night in.”
Tyler unlocks the door and the dogs start jumping on him. He hands the flowers to Jamie. “Can you put these in a vase?”
“Do you have a vase?”
“Should have thought of that before you bought me flowers.” Tyler scratches Gerry behind the ears. “There should be one in the kitchen.”
“C’mon,” Jamie says to Braden, gesturing to the two six packs he’s holding. “We can get those in the fridge too.”
Jamie does in fact find a vase for the flowers and then he starts seasoning the steaks. Tyler comes in and opens them all beers and starts making the salad.
“How do you like it here? Big change from Vancouver. I grew up not far from there.”
Jamie ends up telling him about how much time he spent in Canada this year, with his family and then in Toronto with Tyler and before he knows it, Tyler is sauntering in with a plate of steaks. Dinner is easy and fun. Tyler and Braden talk about winning the cup, and Jamie tries not to think about how close they came. Tyler slings an arm over the back of Jamie’s chair, and squeezes his shoulder.
“How long have you guys been together?”
“Eight years,” Jamie answers. It doesn't feel like it’s been that long.
“We’re not,” Tyler says carefully, at the same time, taking his arm off the back of Jamie’s chair. Oh. Jamie didn't understand the question. He feels his face go hot. His shoulders feel warm where Tyler’s arm was.
“Sorry—I shouldn’t have assumed.” Braden holds up his hands for a brief second. “Just didn’t want you to think you had to hide it from me. It’s bad enough keeping your private life out of the press.”
Tyler smiles, but Jamie can see the thread of uneasiness there. “All good, man.”
Jamie exhales. People have joked about him and Tyler before but no one’s ever sincerely mistaken them for a couple. Jamie looks around the kitchen, at his hat on the counter, at the flowers he bought Tyler, at the charger he keeps here dangling from an outlet. It’s not a wild assumption.
A few years ago, would Braden have even asked? Have people assumed they were together all this time? He was with Katie. He wasn’t the best boyfriend, but he wasn’t secretly in love with someone else the whole time.
Everything's changing now, Pride games and out players. Tyler’s hooked up with guys, it’s not a secret, but no one talks about it. Jamie knows Tyler’s not the only one, but no one talks about that either.
Jamie thinks about it more, that night in bed when he gets home. It’s late, and he fell asleep on the couch again—he almost stayed. His friendship with Tyler is—Jamie doesn't know what it is. They train together, they play together, they hang out together. Jamie feels the most like himself with Tyler. It’s like how he feels when he’s alone, relaxing, but better because Tyler’s with him. That’s not really normal, Jamie supposes. To have a friend that makes you feel better than anyone else.
Jamie wakes up to a text from Tyler. Pick me up?
Jamie was already planning on it. Yeah, make me a coffee i’m out of milk. The milk he bought is currently residing in Tyler’s fridge, picked up one night and left behind accidentally. Jamie isn’t sure the last time ate a meal at his own house that wasn’t from the blender.
Jamie checks the clock. He has time for a few miles. He pulls on some shorts and heads out the door, focusing on his pace, the way his feet hit the pavement. Pushing and pushing until all he can think about is breathing.
**
Jamie’s sitting in the corner of the lounge, a plate of food in front of him that he needs to eat. Tyler sits down next to him with his own heaped plate and huge bowl of fruit for them to share.
Rads sits down on Tyler’s other side, a mouthful of sandwich or something. “You ready to get back out there?”
Jamie furrows his brow. Does he mean Jamie or Tyler?
Tyler shrugs. Tyler being single isn't a secret anymore it seems. “Busy with this, ya know?”
Jamie looks at his food, he doesn’t want any of it. He doesn’t even really like turkey sandwiches—he’s not sure why he took them.
Tyler should start dating. Jamie wants him to find someone, to be happy. Tyler deserves that.
“I know a girl—you’d like her.” Rads does something with hands to indicate she’s got a good body.
Tyler laughs, peeling an orange. “Yeah, maybe. Haven’t really had time lately.”
Jamie makes himself take a bite of the sandwich. It’s his fault, he’s taking up too much of Tyler's time. If Tyler starts dating… Jamie takes another bite. He’s barely finished chewing the first bite, this sandwich is dry. He drinks some Gatorade, which makes the whole thing worse, a mouthful of fruit punch flavored lunch meat. Why is Rads even sitting with them? Did Tyler say something about wanting to date? It’s been nice lately, not having to worry about that, having someone to have dinner with, someone who gets the game, gets what matters. It’s so dumb to care this much. Jamie knows Tyler is going to date again—Tyler is, well, Tyler.
The thing is, Jamie doesn’t want Tyler to date. He wants—not that. He likes having Tyler to himself. He cringes. He can’t—what the fuck is that even? He’s in his goddamn thirties. What the fuck is he doing? He takes another bite of his terrible sandwich, and washes it down with more too-sweet drink. He should go home tonight, go for a run, get some sleep.
Tyler holds up an orange slice for him. Jamie takes it.
**
The whole team is coming over to Jamie’s tonight and there is still so much shit to do. Jamie tosses bananas and spinach in the blender with a bunch of peanut butter, some of the milk he finally remembered to buy, and protein powder. He uses his shirt to wipe his face, which is drenched after his run. He pulls it off and tosses it on the counter while the blender makes his greenish-brown breakfast. He got in eight miles this morning.
He’s pouring the smoothie into a glass when he hears the doorbell. It’s too early for the deliveries to start. He’s got a couple of kegs and a whole lot of barbecue coming this afternoon. He told the guys to bring their families, and it’s way too many people for Jamie to cook for. He used to try, and then would spend hours at the grill. It sucked. This way he gets to hang out, spend some time in the pool, get to know some of the new guys better. It’s important, Jamie thinks, to do this. To kick off the season with a little bit of fun, not just a lot of training.
“At your service,” Tyler is standing there with two huge bags of ice. “Sorry, I couldn't get the door open myself.”
“Segs.” Jamie doesn’t know what to say. “That’s really nice of you.”
“Knew you’d be stressed.” Tyler bumps his shoulder into Jamie’s arm on the way in.
Jamie follows Tyler into his kitchen.
“Is that enough for both of us?” Tyler gestures to the blender.
“I didn’t know you were coming.” Jamie feels bad, he would have. “Sorry.”
“Yeah, make a double smoothie every day in case I show up.” Tyler laughs. “I’m drinking half of that though.”
Jamie nods.
“And I’ll make us toast.” Tyler pulls a loaf of bread out of Jamie’s freezer that he didn’t know he had.
Jamie sits on the counter and watches Tyler move around. They spend more time at Tyler’s because of the dogs, Jamie forgot how comfortable Tyler is here, too.
The whole day, being with Tyler in his house, it’s nice. Jamie’s hardly been home at all, and when he has he’s been alone. Well, except for that date. Jamie hasn’t talked to her since. He shouldn’t have gone out with her. He doesn't know what he wants, but he knew it wasn't her.
By the time the food shows up, everything else is set up. They each sneak a sandwich and beer before everyone gets there.
“Thanks for today,” Jamie says, between bites.
“Anything for you, Jamie.” Tyler takes a bite. “This is so fucking good.”
Jamie smiles and nods, it really is.
Jamie is talking to Pavs and Sarah when Rads walks in with two dates. Jamie rolls his eyes, of course. He watches the trio make a beeline for Tyler and that’s when he realizes. Rads brought Tyler a date. To Jamie’s house. Where he lives.
Sarah touches his arm. “You okay, Jamie?”
Jamie forces out a smile. “Yeah. Uh. Yep. Thanks again for having me over earlier this summer.”
Sarah smiles. “Anytime. We’ve been meaning to invite you over again, but Joe had a lot of family in town.”
Jamie nods. “I know how that goes. Dallas in August is irresistible to family members.”
Sarah laughs. “We kept offering to go see them, but…”
Jamie glances over to see Tyler handing one of the girls a beer. He tries not to react and forces his attention back to Sarah. “It took me a long time to convince them I didn’t mind flying to them. I’ll be right back—I just want to go grab more ice.”
Jamie walks back into the house. He knows he was abrupt but he just couldn’t stay. He just needs a minute. Is there even more ice? He’s going to look like an asshole if there isn’t. Well, a bigger asshole.
“You okay?”
Jamie knows before he even turns, and sure enough, there’s Tyler.
“Yup. So, Rads… ” Jamie trails off. He doesn’t even know how to finish that sentence.
“I don’t know what he was thinking.” Tyler shakes his head. “Half the team brought their kids. I’m not trying to hook up tonight.”
Jamie takes a breath. Tyler’s not going to bail halfway through. That’s good. “Yeah,” Jamie says, because he feels like he should say something.
“What are you doing in here?”
“Ice,” Jamie mumbles. What is he doing in here? Tyler can hook up and date and do whatever he wants. It’s just. He just hates watching Tyler flirt with people.
“We need more already?” Tyler’s brows furrow.
“Uh,” Jamie stalls. “Just wanted to make sure we had enough for later.”
“We should be all set. I’m very good at throwing parties.”
“You are.” Jamie nods. Tyler really is, whenever he has people over it’s more fun than when Jamie does.
“Ready to go back out there?” Tyler tilts his head to the door and Jamie follows him into the yard.
Apparently, when Tyler showed up this morning he brought whatever magic exists at his house, because it ends up being an awesome night. Jamie cannonballs into the pools, splashing the kids and then Tyler jumps in after, splashing Jamie. Rads ends up sneaking out early with both his date and Tyler’s, winking at Jamie as he leaves. Robo makes them all do a shot of tequila for luck and Roope spits his out onto the grass. By the time everyone leaves, the backyard is decimated.
Well, almost everyone. Tyler’s still here and so is Holtby and his wife. Jamie goes over and sits down next to Tyler. “Tyler’s just giving me some dating advice.”
Jamie turns to Tyler, confused. “Uh.”
“I was saying the apps aren’t great, if you’re trying to be low key. I gave them up a few years ago. There are some great bars in Oaklawn, but I haven’t been since before Kate,” Tyler says, the words tumbling out.
Jamie nods, understanding dawning slowly. He didn’t know Tyler still—with men. Not that it matters. Brandi and Braden must have some sort of arrangement. He wants to ask but doesn't want to be rude.
“We should all go one night,” he says instead. Tyler tilts his head, like he’s trying to understand what Jamie’s saying. Jamie’s about to explain, but he doesn’t know what to say. He’s never been to a gay bar, but he’s not purposely avoiding them.
Brandi laughs. “You three can. I’ve found it’s better for my ego if I don’t go out with three hot hockey players.”
Tyler bursts out laughing. “I need a beer—anyone else?”
**
Jamie plays a few hands of cards on the plane, but he’s fucking tired. When Roope deals him a three of diamonds, a five of clubs and a seven of hearts; Jamie folds. “I’m out, boys.” He slides his chips over to Tyler. “All you.”
Jamie heads to the other end of the plane and flops down in a chair. It’s not a long flight from Denver but Jamie’s ready to be home on his sofa. He’s tired, too tired to sit at the table and chirp everyone, too tired to go all in on a bad hand and laugh it off.
He scrolls through Instagram for a little. Jessi posted a new picture of Billie, he thumbs over to text Jordie and see how they’re doing. Jordie starts talking shit about their game in November—they haven’t played against each other in forever. Jamie’s excited to kick his ass again, and tells him so.
“What’re you laughing at?” Tyler drops himself into the seat next to him.
“Jordie, thinking he stands a chance when we play them.”
“No shot,” Tyler agrees.
Tyler agrees, no shot. Jamie tilts the screen so Tyler can see. Tyler fits himself into Jamie, arms overlapping and tucked into each other somehow. They both giggle at the flood of middle finger gifs Jordie fires off.
Tyler grabs the phone and opens the camera to take a selfie, and bumps their shoulders together. With his free hand, he flips the camera off and sticks his tongue out. Jamie does the same and bursts out laughing. Tyler takes a picture of that too. He texts them both to Jordie.
Tyler hands him back his phone. “This season’s gonna be good. I can feel it.”
“Don’t—” Jamie feels so aware over every point of contact, the way Tyler’s leg is pressed into his. Did they always touch this much? Is this just since the lake?
Tyler smiles. “You were good tonight, for a pre-season game.”
“You were good tonight, for a dickhead.” Jamie shoves his phone back in his pocket.
“You love me.”
“Doesn’t mean you’re not a dickhead.”
Tyler laughs. He traces his finger along Jamie’s wrist, right across the line where his tattoos end. It’s so light, so barely there, that if Jamie wasn’t watching Tyler’s finger slide across his skin, he might not have realized. Have there been times when Tyler touched him and he didn’t realize? Tyler does it again, this time with a little more pressure. Jamie doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe. It feels sort of nice—gentle. Careful. Like Jamie needs to be cared for.
He does it again, this time moving his finger up slightly, pressing softly across the design that caps off Jamie’s sleeve. Tyler wraps his fingers around Jamie’s wrist, just for a second. His hand looks big around Jamie’s wrist, even though Jamie’s hands are bigger.
“This is good work.” Tyler says, releasing Jamie’s wrist.
“Yeah, he did a good job.” Jamie’s voice sounds weird. His phone vibrates in his pocket then, and he pulls it out. It’s a picture of Jordie, flipping them off, Billie on his lap.
They both burst out laughing again and whatever Jamie thought was happening isn’t anymore.
**
The off-season shuffle this year was big. Jamie’s trying to make sure everyone’s getting what they need, getting a feel for everyone and how they all fit together. The next game isn’t for a few days, so they’re practicing. And practicing. And practicing. Long days, but good. Jamie loves this time, pre-season, all push, sheer will. A lot of hope.
Today’s the last practice before they fly to New York for the season opener. Jamie likes to start the season at home, but they don’t get that this year. Instead it’s a four game roadie and Jamie wants to win in every fucking city. They look good this year, and Tyler is back.
By the end of practice his voice is hoarse, making sure he had something good to say for everyone, pointing out where they needed to get their shit together. It works though, everyone filing off the ice looking tired and happy, ready to crush it. Jamie’s the last one off, after he helps pick up a few stray pucks. Tyler’s waiting for him on the bench and gives him a slow smile.
“You looked really great out there today, Ty.” Jamie smiles back. He really did look great—he always does. “You always do.”
“You too, babe.” Tyler tilts his head toward the locker room. “Let’s shower. Thought we could treat ourselves to tacos today.”
Jamie tosses him his car keys and Tyler drives them straight to a tex-mex spot they both like. Jamie orders them queso and chips to share and Tyler orders them each a beer. They each end up getting brisket enchiladas.
“The food here is so good. Roope coming through with the recs,” Tyler says, dipping a chip.
Jamie laughs. “I know, I can’t believe we didn’t know about this place.” This is the best queso in the city according to Hintz. He’s right, it’s definitely the best Jamie’s ever had.
“You ready?” Tyler asks.
“Yeah, I’m starving.” The rest of the food can’t get here soon enough.
“Not what I mean, but me too.”
“For the season?” Jamie asks.
Tyler nods.
“Uh, yeah,” Jamie says slowly. “I don’t want to jinx it, but we’ve been gelling. The vibe is good, and everyone’s really giving it their all.”
Tyler eats another chip. “It is a good group. Everyone wants it.”
Jamie doesn’t want to talk about this. “We shouldn’t—”
Tyler rests his hand on Jamie’s forearm. “So superstitious. But, okay.”
Jamie laughs. “I know it’s dumb.” He looks down at Tyler’s hand. “I don’t know.”
Tyler gives his arm a squeeze and then dips a chip and hands it to Jamie. “Not dumb. Just who you are.”
Their food shows up then and they both lean back to accommodate the giant plates.
By the time they get back to Tyler’s, Jamie thinks he might explode. He groans as he gets out of the car.
“I know, me too. I always think cheat days are great right up until this point.”
“Pretty much. Next time, we’ll split an order.”
“You’re a terrible sharer. No way.”
“I’m offended. I don’t even say anything when you steal food off my plate anymore.”
Tyler shrugs and smiles, like he’s helpless to steal food off Jamie’s plate. “You coming in?”
Jamie checks the time. “For a little.” He should probably go right home, but they don’t have practice until 2 tomorrow, so it’ll be fine.
“Let’s take the boys for a walk, I’m too full to sit.”
It’s warm and quiet, as they make their way through Tyler’s usual loop. Gerry pulls ahead, dragging Jamie with him. He looks back over his shoulder and Tyler’s smiling at him. Jamie smiles back—Tyler’s looking at him like. Like something. Like he’s really happy right now. Jamie feels like that too. Happy. Or something.
“I feel a little better,” Tyler announces when they get back to his house, as he kneels down to unclip the leashes.
“I do too,” Jamie admits, as he tosses the leash on the bench. “I should get going though. If I sit down on that sofa, I’m not going to leave.”
Tyler stands up, and takes a step toward Jamie. “You’re always—” He shakes his head. “You know.”
Jamie nods. He knows. Well, he thinks he knows. He could stay, Tyler has room for him. Tyler’s so close to him, closer than they usually stand. This closeness is for the ice, the skates and the pads making it easier to come together and bounce apart. If they were on the ice, Jamie would know what to do, how to skate, how to slide and fit against Tyler, how to move a safe distance back after. Here, on the hardwood floor of Tyler’s entryway, Jamie is frozen.
Tyler takes a step even closer, a question in his eyes, a shy smile on his face.
Jamie doesn’t move. He doesn’t know what’s happening, but he trusts Tyler.
Tyler takes another step, closer still, and rests his hands on Jamie’s hips. He tilts his head up and Jamie tips his head down to look at him. He’s trying to figure out what’s happening. Tyler is so, so close—he could kiss him. Is Tyler going to kiss him?
Tyler kisses him.
It’s the softest press of lips. Jamie’s seen Tyler throw grown ass men against the boards so hard they’ve bounced off. Hell, he’s thrown Jamie against the boards during practice to prove a point more than once. This is the opposite in every way, and Jamie’s never felt more off balance. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands, his mouth, with Tyler.
Tyler kisses him again, a little more deliberately. He slides his hands up Jamie’s back, big on Jamie’s rib cage. Jamie’s body takes over then, kissing Tyler back, sliding his hands into Tyler’s hair. Tyler pulls Jamie into him, kissing him and kissing him. This isn’t like any kiss Jamie has ever had. It’s slower and sweeter. It’s better.
It’s Tyler.
Tyler pulls back, looking carefully at Jamie, like he’s waiting for Jamie to bolt. His hands are resting lightly on Jamie’s waist still and Jamie’s arms are draped over Tyler’s shoulders. “Okay?” Tyler asks.
Jamie surprises himself by kissing Tyler again. This time, when they break apart, Tyler is smiling. “Better than okay,” Jamie admits. Jamie doesn’t know what this is, or what this means, but he knows he wants.
Tyler kisses him again, walking him backward until he’s got Jamie pressed up against a wall. Jamie doesn’t think—he’s not usually the one with his back against the wall. It’s nice this way too, to feel surrounded, to feel wanted, to be kissed.
“Still want to go?” Tyler asks.
“Uh—I think. I should,” Jamie whispers, into the space between them. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Tyler cups his hand over Jamie’s jaw, comforting and warm. “Yeah—you do, it’s us.”
Jamie nods and exhales and kisses Tyler again, all at once. This is new, but it isn’t. That’s what makes it so good, so easy. Jamie lets Tyler take and take, press and press, like an intricate, intimate play and all Jamie has to do is follow Tyler’s lead.
“We can go slow.” Tyler says it so sweetly, smiling at Jamie.
Jamie nods. Slow sounds good.
“Make enough smoothie for me tomorrow, okay?”
Jamie laughs. “Was gonna anyway.”
The whole ride home, Jamie can’t stop smiling.
He’s in bed, staring at his phone, when the doubt creeps in.
He can’t be gay—wouldn’t he know that about himself. He’s fucking 32. He’s slept with a lot of women. Luke knows at 19. Earlier, probably, if he was willing to announce it to the world. Jamie can’t even admit it to himself.
He kissed Tyler, and he liked it. He can admit that. He can admit he wants to do it again. He thinks about Tyler walking in tomorrow morning, demanding a smoothie. Will he kiss Jamie hello? Jamie could kiss him. Will it be—more gay in the morning? Jamie shakes his head. It’s already pretty gay, letting your friend shove you against a wall and kiss you.
Jamie rolls over. Tyler didn’t—he wasn’t shoving Jamie. Jamie let him—Jamie kissed him back. The last few months, if Jamie’s being honest, Tyler’s been more than a friend. He’s sort of been Jamie’s person. If Tyler was a girl, they’d already be dating. Have they been dating? Is that what this has been?
Jamie feels like an idiot. He wants to call Tyler and ask him—Jamie doesn’t even know what. Have we been dating? Do you like me? Am I stupid or oblivious or—
Jamie's phone lights up on the nightstand and he grabs it, grateful for the distraction. It’s a picture of Tyler in bed, with Marshall and Cash. Jamie flips the lamp back on just long enough to take a picture to send back. It makes Jamie feel better, to see Tyler looking the exact same way he did yesterday, and the day before. Maybe it doesn’t matter if he’s too dumb to realize he’s had a boyfriend, or if he’s gay or whatever. Maybe it doesn’t matter what they call it. Maybe the only thing that matters is Tyler.
**
Jamie’s morning run is punctuated with inescapable thoughts of Tyler. Jamie’s kissed a lot of girls. A lot of times, they kiss him like they want to kiss a hockey player, someone famous, like they’ll take whatever they can get from him. Tyler kissed him like he wanted to give Jamie something. Jamie ups his pace, focuses on his feet hitting the pavement. He pushes and pushes, until all that’s left is breathing and moving forward.
He’s panting by the time he gets home and when he gets inside he puts his hands on his knees and leans forward, trying to catch his breath. His heart is racing, and he concentrates on his breath, in and out, in and out.
The door opens, and Tyler walks in. Jamie straightens up.
“Hi.” Jamie says, still breathless.
“Hey.”
“I just got back. From a run.”
“Yeah, I could tell. The breathing was a giveaway.”
Jamie nods. Of course. Is this weird? Jamie really doesn’t want this to be weird. “Smoothies,” Jamie blurts out, and heads to the kitchen.
He pulls out what he needs, watching out of the corner of his eye as Tyler pulls the blender out and then hops up to sit on the counter next to it. Jamie tosses a bunch of stuff into the blender and tops it off with protein powder and ice.
He should say something, anything. Is he the one being weird? Jamie clenches his teeth for a second and then forces himself to relax again. The noise from the blender helps to drown out the silence.
Jamie grabs two glasses and pours them drinks. He steps in front of Tyler. Tyler’s legs are spread, and Jamie could take a step forward and fit right there. He hands Tyler his smoothie.
“As promised,” Jamie mumbles, and takes a sip.
Tyler sets his glass on the counter, and hooks his foot around the back of Jamie’s thigh, tugging him forward. Jamie goes, and looks up from his glass to make eye contact with Tyler.
“This—we don’t have to.” Tyler’s face is soft and sad. “It doesn’t have to mean anything. It doesn’t need to be a thing. It’s okay.”
Jamie shakes his head. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I told you.”
“You don’t know how to make me a smoothie?” Tyler teases.
Jamie glares at him. “Am I supposed to kiss you hello? Are we dating? Am I gay? Are you gay?” Jamie presses his lips together. That was four more questions than he meant to ask.
Tyler takes Jamie’s glass, and sets it down next to his.
“Do you want to kiss me hello?”
Jamie thinks about it. He does. He nods.
Tyler nods.
Jamie steps further into the V of Tyler’s legs and Tyler reaches to cup Jamie’s jaw in his hand, pulling him closer still. He kisses him once, then again. Jamie doesn’t know how to start kissing Tyler, but once Tyler’s mouth is against his, he knows. Tyler hooks his foot tighter around Jamie’s leg, pulling him closer still. Jamie pulls back slightly. “I’m gross.”
“You are,” Tyler kisses him again, sliding his hands down Jamie’s chest. Jamie smooths his thumb across Tyler’s cheek, presses his fingertips into the back of Tyler’s head.
“Do you want to be dating?” Tyler whispers into Jamie’s lips.
“I like what we have.” Jamie admits, resting his forehead against Tyler’s. “It—it feels like we might be dating already.”
“I thought you wanted to go slow,” Tyler laughs. “But, yeah I like what we have too. And I’m queer, by the way. I just don’t really talk about it. The label only matters if it matters to you.”
Jamie nods.
“And you don’t—there’s no wrong way to do this, Jam.”
Jamie breathes out, releasing the tension in his shoulders. “Can I kiss you again?”
Tyler’s face lights up. “Anytime, you idiot.”
Jamie giggles as he leans in, he’s okay with being an idiot if he gets to kiss Tyler whenever he wants.
**
At practice, he’s sure everyone will be able to tell, but no one mentions it. They show up together and leave together, just like always. They go back to Tyler’s that night and make dinner and walk the dogs and Tyler sprawls out on the couch. It’s like every other night, except tonight, Tyler picks his head up. “C’mere.”
Jamie does, feeling silly and huge, squishing himself between the back of the sofa and Tyler, trying not to crush him. Jamie ends up with his head on Tyler’s chest. Tyler runs his fingers through Jamie’s hair.
“This is nice,” Jamie whispers. He’s comfortable, and Tyler’s fingers feel good against his scalp. He brings his hand up, resting it on Tyler’s chest. He rubs his fingertips back and forth over the cotton t-shirt, Tyler’s chest solid underneath him.
“Wanted this,” Tyler says.
Jamie shakes his head. “I didn’t know.”
“That I wanted you?” Tyler sounds surprised. “Don’t think I was doing a very good job hiding it anymore.”
“That’s not—” Jamie pauses. That’s not what he meant. He didn’t know what he wanted, is what he was trying to say. But now all he can think is, how long did Tyler want him? How long did he not know he could have this? “I didn’t know you wanted me.”
“I wanted you.”
Jamie shifts, and buries his face in Tyler’s neck. Tyler smells like the soap in the showers and like the chicken he grilled for dinner. “I wanted you, too,” he admits into the soft, pale skin there. Jamie doesn’t know what it means really, but he knows it’s true. It feels easier to not know, pressed against Tyler, pressing into Tyler. It feels good and safe and thrilling, that Jamie can know even part of it, and that’s enough for now.
They lay there for a long time with a movie Jamie’s not watching playing in the background. The credits are running, and Jamie still hasn’t moved. All the times this summer, when Tyler touched him, all Jamie wanted was for him to keep doing it, and now Jamie’s laying here, his whole body against Tyler’s. They haven’t even kissed tonight, but there’s no mistaking this. It’s not a casual brush against each other, it’s deliberate—intimate.
“Stay?” Tyler whispers, a nervousness threading through the words.
Jamie picks his head up so he can look at Tyler. He doesn’t want to leave.
“Make smoothies here.” Tyler smiles at him, the small one that Jamie is still learning.
Jamie smiles back. He wants to kiss Tyler, to feel him smile against Jamie’s mouth. It feels insurmountable, the last few centimeters, to be the one to kiss Tyler first. Jamie doesn’t want to get it wrong, to kiss Tyler when he’s not supposed to. Tyler keeps looking at him, smiling, and Jamie wants to kiss him so much. He moves closer, hoping Tyler will kiss him so Jamie can just kiss him back—so Jamie can do the part he knows how to do already. Tyler doesn’t though, he just waits, his mouth so close.
Jamie closes the gap so slowly he’s not even sure he’s moving. He wants this—he wants this a terrifying amount. Even more terrifying, there’s not a single reason he can’t have it. He can kiss Tyler first, he can kiss Tyler here on the sofa and he can kiss Tyler in the morning when he wakes up in Tyler’s bed.
“I’ll make smoothies here,” Jamie whispers, so close now that his lips brush against Tyler’s with each word. Jamie gives in then, to himself, to Tyler, to all of it, and kisses him. Tyler kisses him back, instantly and with abandon. Jamie will remember this moment every time he wants to kiss Tyler, it will make him reckless, to know he can have this.
He wants to stay. He stays.