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Stage 1: Denial
This isn’t real.
You were just here in front of me
How can you be gone?
It doesn't really feel like you're gone
It feels like this weird nightmare and soon I'll wake up
“Nonsense,” I’ll say,
Laughing at the impossibilities of my own subconscious
But when will this happen?
Your shadow still walks this earth
Breaking what little is left of my mind
I want to shake him as hard as I can until you pop out
But he already showed me that’s not how this works
That’s not how any of this works.
Lately all I can do is remember
My memories are like blissful poison
Nothing else really matters
Days both fly by and drag on like years
It's just not possible
There is no boundary that can keep me from you
The world keeps spinning like nothing has happened
But everything is different
The sun may as well have plunged into the sea
I don’t understand how life continues
And I’m the only one who seems to know.
How is this no one else’s priority?
Some friends of yours those were
That’s why I can’t be bothered with any of them
How could they stand by knowingly?
And allow this to happen?
I should have said something.
I should have done something.
I should have realized.
I didn’t know.
I hate myself.
This panic never stops
Reminding me something is missing
It reaches up into my throat and chokes off any air
I thought I’d breathe
Maybe it's a signal
I need to follow it
Nobody else understands.
Every detail of life is just wishing to be seen through your eyes
Everything gets infinitely better when it is near you
How does no one else see this?
What dullards they all are
I want to know your thoughts
On everything
You are unpredictable
By me, by machine
Nothing compares to the real you
If I could turn back time itself I would
But that is quite literally not how this works
My light has been extinguished.
Stage 2: Depression
I've memorized every crevice in my ceiling now
Could map them all out in my head
The smooth parts are where I pretend all is well
None of this ever happened, and I still have a chance.
The crags, places you could potentially hide
If I search them all out, one by one
Would I find you there?
There is no more here
There is no more now
It feels like falling
But every time I think I hit rock bottom
The ground cracks open beneath me
And once again I descend
Sometimes it felt like we were the only ones speaking the same language
And other days we were not even on the same planet
But you always taught me something
Even when I did not want to learn
I need to know what happened to you
You took my future with you
I tried to move on
Tried to continue as normal
But nothing is normal
Everything just points back to you
Everything I want to share with you
Everything.
Why is this?
What is this?
What does it mean?
Does that even matter?
There’s no use thinking more about this
Emotions are useless
And they get in the way of productivity
But I can’t seem to get this desolation to stop
I know I have other responsibilities
But I simply cannot do anything else
I swear I've tried
What use is having money if I can't make it do what I want?
The loneliness I feel is nothing
Compared to the desperation.
I’m afraid you are my addiction
And I need a fix
Some B-12, a Xanax. Alcohol.
Nothing compares to the high I got from chasing you
Nothing can kill this thing that is killing me
I don’t even need to be comfortable
I just need to be able to tolerate existence
For just a few minutes
I am not sure anymore if I feel
Nothing in everything or
Everything in nothing
I know this one thing for certain:
All of my negative thoughts stop racing when I am with you.
Does that mean what I think it does?
I crave to know more
But it is too late.
I cannot eat. I possess no desire to consume anything but you.
I cannot sleep. I am, myself, already consumed.
There is no peace
Every breath I take is one farther from your last
There is only one path to knowing
The present is not sustainable
I’ve never wanted anything
Like I want this.
I’ve never wanted anything
Like I want this.
I’VE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING
LIKE I WANT THIS.
I can’t just slap a bandaid over a miserable life
I can’t go back to not knowing you
I will have it all or I will die trying
It's painful to be here without you
It's painful to be here
It's painful to be
You were my only hope in a hopeless world
It's not that I only know who I am in relation to you
It's that I liked who I became when I was around you
How am I supposed to have had you and lost you?
For all intents and purposes you are mine
But I have never once laid hands on you
And the thought that I may never
Is enough to drive even a sane person mad
I know I dream big
And I know I can succeed
I don't need for you to tell me that
But you're the only one who ever has
You are not replaceable.
Stage 3: Anger
I take it all back. I hate you.
Why did you leave? Damn you to hell.
Although if that's the case I would just be making my own journey harder
I know it's just circumstantial that everybody leaves
Entropy is...just that
But why does it always seem to happen to me?
If probability were sentient, I would swear it hates me
I know why you didn’t say goodbye
I would have told you how stupid this all was
And I’m sure you knew I was right
But your fatal flaw
Is choosing what you think you’re supposed to do
Over what you want to do
I know you would say some bullshit about destiny
But then next time man up and make your own
Instead of leaving me with all the work to do
You can see everything else
But your own stupidity
You really are an asshole
A dead, stupid, asshole
Fuck.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd feel better if I slept
But if this is how miserable my brain can make me at low efficiency
Imagine what it could do at full capacity?
Besides— there’s work to be done.
If a mind works too well sometimes it can be a detriment even to itself
It's not arrogance if it's true
Some of the best minds in history
Were addled in some way
Sometimes that edge of abnormality
Creates the most remarkable results
Maybe that is how I will use this madness
As fuel
They don’t have to tell me
I can see it on their faces
That they think I need to give up
But those are the boring limitations of a puny mind
If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
Nobody better get in my way.
If anyone so much as dares slow my velocity
Or block MY fucking trajectory
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY FOR THIS TO END
AND I AM GOING TO SEE TO IT THAT IT DOES
THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE
The thought of never being able to see you again is enough to make me scream and never stop I don’t know how it got like this and I don’t want to know I just want all of this to go away because the thoughts that I have daily are not healthy even I know that and I just need for it to stop because when I think of you everything fades into the background there is no more anxiety no more panic because finally everything will be where it should and I won’t have to worry about it anymore because HOLY FUCKING SHIT I DONT THINK I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE thinking about anything besides you or how I’m going to get to you is a chore that I just don’t care about any of it anymore there is only one endgoal here and unless I am moving towards it there just isn’t any point in anything at least when I am around you I know who I am I finally understand my place in this world and the rules are clear but at the same time I don’t know how you will react and
Yours is the only reaction that matters.
DAMMIT.
I need to focus.
Stage 4: Bargaining
Rerunning every possible action and reaction gets me no closer to my goal.
Scenarios are meaningless.
The past is over. All that matters is the future.
I have spent my life in obligation
I now claim my right to do that which I cannot live without
I know what I may sacrifice for this
But there can be no existence for me here without it
If I could just have this one thing
Just this
That’s all
I relinquish all else I’ve ever known
What do I even want from you?
Simulations can only tell me so much
All I know for certain is I have to find you
I know the risk is great
But the reward is everything
I don't know what I will find
It doesn't matter
I will adapt and I will overcome
I will not allow death to be an obstacle for me.
I know it isn't right but
The importance of everything else pales in comparison
The thought of finding you
Feels like breathing again.
I know that death is inevitable
And one day you will die
But today is not that day
Because I'm not done with you.
If you think this is the end of this story
You’re going to get quite a surprise
This is just the beginning
I have to believe it is
If I could just have a second chance
No.
I must make a second chance.
I will have to force what happens next
No one deserves you more than me.
Now all I need to do is find you.
I believe I can
No
I am determined
To find you
I can find you
I will find you
My word is law.
I don't believe in God
But I believe in you.
Stage 5: Plotting
I’m now at Plan D
But I’ll work my way through the alphabet if I have to
Hell, I’ll even borrow some of those hieroglyphs
I’m pretty sure if you were here you would lend them to me
Wouldn’t you?
A few years ago I would have even called myself crazy
But I believe my research is correct.
Everything is only fantasy
Until you craft it into reality
So in this iteration of myself
I must become a craftsman
Here goes.
The human brain has typically 100 billion neurons. It is the most complex piece of matter in the universe known to man. Each of these nerve cells functions like a microcomputer hardwired into the network. The idea of what you might call a ‘soul’, can act like a quantum computer— remotely suspended, yet still somehow connected to the universe. Capable of existing in an extrinsic state. Beyond a corporeal form. But this is not all the brain is.
The brain is a machine.
A machine that can be powered and capable of doing work. By using my own memories, I created as accurate a copy as I could make of your unique signature. A digital you. Artificial intelligence generated to track actual intelligence. Then I needed a power boost. I harnessed the raw mental energy of millions of children across the globe. Their recreational endeavor itself is worthwhile (and actually I think you would rather enjoy it), but the actual value is in using these combined networks to search. To search every accessible system with a biological component for a match. Then by applying your traceable signature to the network like a homing beacon...
I found you.
I have never known a feeling like this before.
And I doubt I will ever again.
You are real.
It is real.
You’ve made me realize that all I thought I know
I don’t know
You take every fact and shatter it into pieces
I am a man capable of many things
But continuing without you is not one of them
I need to get to where you are.
Desperation is a powerful motivator.
I figured it out.
I created exotic matter.
They said it couldn't be done.
But I did it. I had to.
It was the only way.
My second justification for the space station. You see, everything in life is craving to escape some kind of gravity one way or another. In space, without the crushing instability of a gravitational pull, you can trap certain atoms with lasers and hold them in place. Cool them to just above absolute zero. This slows down their normally rapid particle movements and thereby creates a Bose-Einstein condensate when a particle behaves like a wave. Releasing them creates a form of negative mass. Just as matter has a gravitational pull, negative mass has a gravitational push. This force is the only thing that will keep a wormhole open. Just long enough to travel across the event horizon, thereby bringing me to you.
There may be no gravity here, yet still
I shiver under the weight of presenting myself to you.
Speed is the least of my worries.
Stage 6: Actualizing
I can't shake the feeling that I've been here before
But that's stupid
I seem to know the way
It must be another one of your illusions
The trip was smoother than anticipated
At least for the ship.
In the end I couldn’t lie to him
So I couldn’t say anything at all.
I can’t think about it
What’s done is done
There was no other choice to be made.
Part of me knows that I should probably be terrified
But I am confident you will understand
As I cross the palace gates
My past, present, and future slam into one immeasurable point instantaneously
This is real.
This is now.
This is happening.
My heart is like a caged bird breaking free
I am afraid it will surely kill me
But then would I also just remain here?
Why does this feel like I am finally home?
Thoughts fled my mind
Along with my dissolving matter
Until all I could hear was the sound of my own pounding heart
I lay eyes on you for what I realize is
The first time
You are the sun
Radiant
Vibrant
Glowing
Alive more so in death
Than I have ever been in life
I know what I am doing now
Right foot forward— a challenge
I can’t help my emotions leaking onto my face
Nor can you
As you descend upon me
Like every dream I’ve ever dreamt
Your aura is enough to burn
Your skin near mine is electric
It causes the thrumming of my own robotic heart to short circuit
As you wrap your arms around me
I think that
There is nothing
In every iteration
Of every universe
Worth more than this