Archive of Our Own ^beta

Not allowed to tell first years that the only way to get Peeves to stop annoying them is to serenade him with the Weird Sister’s song “I Want To Polter-Kiss You”

Not allowed to reenact the Barricade scene from Les Miserables in the Great Hall

Not allowed to reenact the Barricade scene from Les Miserables on Hogwarts grounds

Not allowed to build a shrine to Sirius Black’s hair

Not allowed to list Merlin as their legal guardian on their Hosgmeade permission form

Not allowed to list Merlin, Morgana, any Troll King, muggle Emperor or Abeforth Dumbledore as their legal guardian on their Hogsmeade permission form

Not allowed to walk in front of Professor McGonagall throwing roses and confetti

The following reasons are not valid reasons to banish first years from the Gryffindor common room (especially as they don’t have the authority to banish anyone from the common room): being obnoxious, annoying, too short, loud, irritating, a defender of the Slytherin kind, a midget, a reminder of their favourite deceased relative, scrappy, unexpectedly better than Peter Pettigrew at gobstones

Must not wear eye patches in commemoration of any dead pirate

Even if the dead pirate is apparently a recently deceased relative

Not allowed to physically remove anyone from the best seats in the Gryffindor common room

Not allowed to reserve seats in the Gryffindor common room

Not allowed to threaten anyone sat in their desired seat with “death if you don’t move in the next two seconds”

Mustn't talk about failed executions in front of Nearly Headless Nick

Should not discuss the likelihood of a giant invasion in earshot of first and second years

Not allowed to magically glue a beret to the caretaker’s cat’s head

Not allowed to magically glue a beret to the caretaker’s head

Not allowed to use the prefect bathroom for activities aside from washing

Not allowed to label ingredients in the Potion’s supply closet as “deadly weapons of war”

Not allowed to teach students rude Latin phrases under the pretence of them being spells

Not allowed to release nifflers into the great hall during the Valentine’s Day feast

Should not be allowed within ten feet of any niffler which may be stolen and used to cause havoc in the school

Not allowed to pay lost bets against Ravenclaws with leprechaun gold

Must never charm the suits of armour to sing “Mamma Mia” when Professor Slughorn walks past them

Even if Professor Slughorn doesn’t mind

Must not forge letters from the Minister for Magic to Dumbledore expressing their deepest adoration for his beard

Not allowed to replace the toad in the hole’s at the Slytherin table with actual toads in yorkshire puddings

Not allowed to sing potentially offending lyrics at quidditch matches

Not allowed to sing potentially offending lyrics at quidditch matches especially when Remus Lupin is conducting

Not allowed to wear mourning veils during any external examinations

Must not turn all desks and chairs away from the front of the classroom for a whole History of Magic lesson just to see if Professor Binns notices anything

Must not turn all desks and chairs away from the front of the classroom for any amount of time during a History of Magic lesson just to see if Professor Binns notices anything

They are not the Supreme Leaders of Hogwarts

Not allowed to start a political campaign to have James Potter replace Professor Dumbledore as Headmaster

Not allowed to transfigure fellow students into any reptiles

Must never challenge Professor McGonagall to a duel at dawn (Note: She will win.)

They should not appoint first years as their minions and bribe them to be their slaves for the day

The Grande Headmaster is not a real position of or with any authority and does not outrank Headmaster Dumbledore and Sirius Black is not The Grande Headmaster

Not allowed to give detentions to “students for being in my way”, “breathing too loudly”, “existing”, “blinking five times in ten second”, “walking in front of me”, “thinking you were more fabulous than Sirius Black”

Only Remus Lupin and James Potter can give detentions and deduct house points

Sirius Black cannot expel anyone from Hogwarts

Neither can Peter Pettigrew, James Potter or Remus Lupin

Using “but it’s my time of the month” as an excuse to get out of a detention is neither a) plausible or b) allowed

Not allowed to replace the Slytherin dining table’s benches with high chairs

Not allowed to enter the Restricted Section with a permission slip signed by their “legal guardian” (see 5&6)

Not allowed to ask Dumbledore if he’s really Gandalf in disguise

Not allowed to levitate students

Not allowed to invite Professor Slughorn to dinner at Madame Puddifoot’s for his birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day

Not allowed to charm people’s hair blue

Not allowed to play strip poker, strip roulette, strip chess, strip Exploding Snap, strip gobstones, strip marbles, strip spoons in the Gryffindor common room

Not allowed to make bets about whether or not Hagrid is hiding a dragon in the Forbidden Forest

Not allowed to bring pornographic magazines to Muggle Studies as an example of “fine Muggle literature”

Not allowed to change the lyrics of Hogwart’s school song

Not allowed to tell visiting students from other wizarding schools that the only way to be allowed entrance to the Great Hall is to perform a ritual involving pouring water from the Black Lake over their head and descending from the stairs into the Entrance Hall in a white nightgown

Not allowed to call Professor McGonagall any of the following names: Minnie, McGee, Scottie, Nev, Mum, Doll, PILF (Note: The Marauders only ever called McGonagall one of these - Minnie - to her face once and after the ensuing wrath they decided the other nicknames would be best kept for private discussions)

Not allowed to camp outside the staff room claiming they’re being neglected by the parental figures

Not allowed to call Dumbledore “dad”, McGonagall “mum, Slughorn “uncle Slug,” Madame Pomfrey “auntie Pommers”

When the Ministry of Magic visits, wearing ceremonial dress robes is not the appropriate clothing

Not allowed to trade younger students amongst houses

Never ever ever ever ever ever ever show up drunk to Transfiguration

Successful coups are not allowed

Not allowed to decorate the entire school with pictures of Sirius Black on his birthday, his half-birthday, his quatre-birthday, the anniversary of his first word, the anniversary of his first steps, the anniversary of his first swear word or when James Potter wants to let the world know just how much he appreciates his best mate

Not allowed to challenge anyone to a muggle duel at dawn

Rat intestines, newt tails, raven wings (all animal parts) used as potions ingredients do not need ceremonial burials in the Hogwarts grounds

Or outside of the Hogwarts grounds

Not allowed to call Sirius Black, “Potter’s mistress”

Not allowed to transfigure first years feet and call them Hobbits

There’s no such thing as Merlin’s Sacrificial Ritual

Do not make a fake map and treasure trail which claims to lead to Rowena Ravenclaw’s long lost diadem and give it to younger students when it actually leads to the Hogs Head

Not allowed to order everyone to call them by their true names of Romeo, Mercutio, Tybalt and Lady Montague

The entrance hall is not an appropriate place to practice interpretive dance

Not allowed to start an interpretive dance class

Not even if Dumbledore volunteers to help teach it

Not allowed to make twenty minute toasts every night before dinner

Not allowed to paint murals of themselves in the Slytherin common room

James Potter is not allowed to “channel his inner Enjolras” on top of the Astronomy tower

The quidditch pitch is not to be used for hosting a banquet on the night of the Summer solstice

Not allowed to refer to Lily Evans as carrots, Lilykins, Lilyflower, Gollum, Ms Bennet, Doll, Kindred Spirit, Spawn of Morgana, Pistol, Queen of All Things Wonderful, Jesus, Aphrodite, Love of Our Meagre Lives

Not allowed to commission portraits of themselves and sit for them during lessons, in the Great Hall, in Dumbledore’s office, in the Girl’s toilets

Not allowed to introduce new awards just so they can present Peter Pettigrew with a trophy for “being a jolly good, spiffing, awfully excellent gentleman”

Convincing first years to try and use the whomping willow’s branches as a skipping rope is not allowed

Not allowed to start a cat shelter on Hogwarts ground

Not allowed to run a betting shop from their dorm room

A whole school vote on a professor’s decision is not necessary

The loss of Remus Lupin’s favourite pillow from the common room does not require a school wise “missing persons” search with speeches, pamphlets, posters, or appeals

Wearing tassels at the tip of the hat is not appropriate schoolwear

Neither is full Roman military dress, muggle disco outfits, bridal gowns or loincloths

Not allowed to purposefully try and piss off a Hufflepuff whose best friend is a Slytherin just to see if it’s true that Slytherins can turn into snakes if someone annoys them

Not allowed to bribe anyone with money, lap dances, a smile from Lily Evans, Sirius’ Black’s mouth, a million house points, muggle explosives, inflatable dragons and/or illegally bred pixies

Not allowed to reenact Tales Of the Beedle and the Bard anywhere within a fifteen mile radius of the Hogwart’s grounds

Not allowed to erect a throne and host a coronation for James Potter during which his head boy badge is pinned to his robes

Not allowed to sing nursery rhymes to Slytherins

They mustn't release weekly issues of a Hogwarts gossip rag (and generate income from it)

Not allowed to send 436 individually wrapped dungbombs to the caretaker on his birthday

During Divination they may not predict the untimely demise of the Divination teacher with surprising accuracy

Not allowed to propose to the gargoyle outside Dumbledore’s office

Not allowed to start a new religion just to take vows of silence

Not allowed to demand a lawyer every time they are put in detention or lose house points

Not allowed to start a republic

James Potter is not allowed to publicly snog Lily Evans for fear of scaring all other residents of Hogwarts to death (Note: this rule had to be made after repeated incursions of everyone’s appropriate intimacy levels and it was never able to be enforced and was repeatedly, unabashedly and relentlessly broken)

Not allowed to die (Note: This rule was broken by all four Marauders)