Chapter Text
Of course the first time Steve Rogers met Hawkeye was before the battle of New York when Natasha had knocked Loki out of the archer's head. Back then he didn't know much about the man who had almost taken down the Helicarrier, but he knew to trust Natasha's judgment. Therefore Steve didn't question whether or not Hawkeye was up for another fight when she gave him a subtle nod. Although there was a tiny moment, when Hawkeye walked out into the hallway in his suit, face-mask in place and bow in hand, that he wondered if it was a smart idea to take the archer with them.
They didn't have the time to be picky so he didn't say anything. Instead he watched the archer slip into the pilot seat, check the controls, exchanging a brief look with Natasha. The two seemed to know each other inside out. They worked together blind, exactly knowing what the other one was doing. It reminded Steve of Bucky and himself, a little at least, because when he reminded himself what the archer just had done and how he carried himself, he was nothing like Bucky. Steve just wasn't sure if that was a good thing.
During the battle of New York Steve appreciated the archer's quick mind, flawless aim and fearlessness. He realised that Hawkeye always had the big picture in mind, saw what Hawkeye was capable of. There wasn't so much time during the battle to really think anything through. Well, he couldn't but Hawkeye could and more than once it was the archer's guidance that saved one or the other avenger. By the end Steve had to admit that he was impressed with Hawkeye.
After the battle, once they had Loki and S.H.I.E.L.D swooped in to secure the sceptre Steve for a moment was puzzled by the archer's flawless move into casual. His flippant comment towards Jasper Sitwell threw Steve a curve ball. Well, that and that Hawkeye passed out after Shawarma. In the end Steve didn't experience the aftermath of Loki directly. He went of on a bike tour for three months and after that the team had already accepted Hawkeye. Later, after Steve had worked through all his doubts and worries he wondered if it'd have made a difference for him had he been there after Loki, after New York.
When Steve was back from his bike tour he joined the others in Stark's tower. They formed a team, if needed and worked solo if not. Unlike Tony, Bruce and Natasha Steve Rogers wasn't so sure about Hawkeye as an Avenger at all. He knew that Fury had hand picked the archer for the team, but that didn't mean he was right. The man was a simple human being. No super powers, no flying suit, no super soldier serum, no raging green monster as alter ego, no nothing. Steve wasn't proud of it but the thought had crept into his mind when the battle was over and Hawkeye limped towards them, obviously hurt and tired. The thought didn't leave.
Steve kept it to himself. Hawkeye was not a full time avenger and the first year he didn't live with them in the tower. On rare occasions Hawkeye spend the night, once or twice he stayed a weekend to work with Tony on God-knew-what. Or he spend time with Bruce going over strategies concerning the Hulk. He seemed to avoid Steve though. He wasn't part of all their missions and sometimes he just showed up and was gone right after that. The missions he took part in usually ended in Hawkeye being hurt and needing to be looked after by some medics. And that in of itself was a huge problem. Hawkeye wasn't easy to be around, not easy to handle, especially coming off of a mission high, injured and in pain. Steve still kept his doubts to himself, for now he simply watched Hawkeye.
Once Steve finally voiced his concerns he almost wished he had not.
»I am not sure having Barton on the team permanently is such a good idea,« Steve said to Fury one late evening after a mission that had gone bad for the archer.
»He is … he gets hurt every time we are out.«
Fury sighed, rubbed his temple as if there was a headache waiting to happen. Maybe there was, maybe Steve just had voiced Fury's very own concerns. Steve had no idea just how wrong he was with that assumption. Fury rose for the chair behind his desk, walked over to the large window that gave a breathtaking view of the skyline of a city, Steve was not sure which one it was.
»You have no idea who he is,« Fury finally said without turning to him. Steve opened his mouth to disagree with that but Fury shook his head.
»There is a reason why Barton is among the most valued assets at S.H.I.E.L.D. There is a reason why I chose him for the Avengers.«
Fury's voice was dark, low and sounded incredible tired. Maybe tired of always explaining himself or tired of always convincing people of something that just wasn't.
»He is simply human, no super powers, no ...«, Steve started but Fury cut him short by turning to him with a daring look on his face.
»Barton grew up in a circus, he did things I never knew or thought could be done by a mere human. He might not have the super soldier serum, but he is the closest thing. Never wondered why I chose him? Despite all of his flaws?«
Steve shrugged to that. He had thought about those reasons but none seemed good enough. »Before S.H.I.E.L.D picked him up, he had 112 names to his head. 112 names that have been confirmed. He was one of the best in the business and not because he was a weakling, a mere human, but because he wore aliases like a second skin. Because every shot was perfection. Because he knew when to fight and when to vanish. Because his mind is a fucking clusterfuck working on high alert all the time,« Fury paused.
Steve furrowed his brows, he hadn't known that. That only put more weight to his argument that Barton had nothing to do on the Avengers team with not always having been a player for the good side.
»He was 20 something when S.H.I.E.L.D picked him up or rather he let himself be picked up. The first three weeks he didn't say a word, not a single one. It took almost a month and myself before we got him to cooperate. And he didn't just cooperate. I put his bow back into his hands and told him he knew what to do if he wanted out. He didn't, instead he gave me another scar and then laid down his rules. It only took a few months for me to learn to fear the wickedness of his smile.« Fury had turned back to look out of the window. In the reflection Steve could see that his mind was far away, maybe right in that moment when Barton had shot him. Maybe Fury wondered whether or not he made the right decision.
»Barton isn't with S.H.I.E.L.D because we are that good. He is with us because he is even more dangerous with than without us.«
Steve snorted. He couldn't see in Hawkeye what Fury saw in him and he highly doubted that he would ever be able to.
»There were assignments when I thought no one can do it. Barton did. I send him on suicide missions, into disaster, into chaos, without back up, without a plan, with fault information. And he always came out the other side alive, if not well than at least alive,« Fury paused, he briefly looked at Steve via reflection in the window.
»I never met a man who was so tired of being alive.«
That was true, Steve thought, Barton still seemed tired of being alive. Only proven by all the times Steve had watched the archer jump from a roof top with nothing but his arrows to save him.
»But I also never met a man who was this good at staying alive.«
That didn't make any sense for Steve at all.
»Why do you tell me all of this?«, he finally asked when Fury didn't say anything more. Fury took another minute to answer and when he did, he turned to Steve and leaned back at the window.
»Because, Rogers, Barton might just be human, but you have no idea what he is capable of. You have no idea who he is. One day he will be your last line of defence and right now you are very busy to throw away what little trust he has in you.«
Steve snorted, opened his mouth but again Fury cut him short with one look.
»He will find a way to keep you and your team together and to keep you safe once he trusts you enough to actually let you meet him.«
Well, this had taken a turn that Steve had not seen coming.
»He isn't a permanent part of the team as of yet because he is and always will be a S.H.I.E.L.D agent. That means not public work, no interviews, no pictures. It's too dangerous for him. That and … he doesn't trust you. And I sure as hell will not force him to. I never forced him into anything and I will not start today.«
Steve had heard enough. He needed to think about this, to reflect on the information and maybe talk to Natasha about it. Or Bruce. Maybe even Tony.
»I need to think about this«, he told Fury honestly and Fury nodded to that.
»Before you go, Rogers, remember what Barton did to the Helicarrier?«
Of course Steve remembered, they almost lost the Helicarrier that day. It still was mind-boggling what the archer had done with a simple explosion arrow.
»That was one of his sloppiest works, haphazardly followed through. If he had wanted to, he would have taken the Helicarrier down without so much as breaking a sweat. I have seen him taking down bigger things with ease. Think about it.«
Steve left Fury with a knot in his stomach and too much to think about. He made a short visit to the infirmary only to learn that Hawkeye had left without letting them see his injuries. Again. He knew that it was useless to look for the archer so instead he went back to the Quinjet. He wasn't surprised when he found Natasha in the back area on a bench. A short glance into the cockpit told him where exactly Hawkeye was. From Natasha's face Steve couldn't read anything but he knew that she knew he had talked to Fury. Or neither Natasha nor Hawkeye would have been there.
»Ready for lift off?«, Hawkeye asked from the cockpit and Natasha signalled him that they were before she turned her whole attention to Steve.
»I am not sure if I want to talk about that right now,« Steve warned her with a glance to the cockpit but Natasha just shrugged.
»He is used to it by now,« she offered with a soft smile that made Steve sigh. She waited until the Quinjet was in flight and Barton had put them into autopilot. He stayed in the cockpit though, his headset still on and seemingly talking to someone.
»Barton is one of the most impressive men I've ever met. I followed him to S.H.I.E.L.D because of that. I'd follow him everywhere, to every place in any reality on any world any time. Because if you want a fighting chance to stay alive, he is it,« she said without looking at Steve. She watched Barton in the cockpit, laughing at something neither of them could hear.
»He is dangerous, more than you know right now and he has more darkness in his mind than you could ever imagine. Yes, he is severely traumatised, he has flaws, like any of us. He might not have your super soldier serum or Stark's flying suit or Thor's hammer, but I would rather face any of you in a dark ally than him on a bright sunny day anywhere.«
Steve's heart dropped. She loved Barton, clearly. He told her that but that only made her laugh so hard that even Barton turned around for a second to find out what was happening behind him. She only waved at him dismissively. Steve wasn't sure what terrified him more, Natasha's uncharacteristic out burst into laughter or her words.
»This is not love, Rogers, love is for children.« she rolled her eyes at him when he raised an eyebrow.
»Look, Steve, I was forced and brainwashed into being who I am today. Clint chose to be like that. He worked for it. If he'd have taken another path, a different option he might would have ended up elsewhere. But he didn't. Unlike me or even you he loved to do what he did. He might today regret what he did but I wouldn't bet my life on it.«
Now Natasha looked dead serious and Steve finally gave in. Maybe he should just accept Barton into the team and work with him while he lasted. He smiled sadly before nodding.
»At least wait until you have met all of him«, she said before she stood and joined Barton in the cockpit. Steve let his head fall back against the wall. This was some day. Years later it would be Steve who would argue for Barton, years later he would flinch at the sentence he is used to it by now. Years later Steve would punch himself mentally for every tiny doubt he ever had concerning Hawkeye. But not yet.
The first time Steve Rogers met Clint Barton though was almost half a year after that night in the Quinjet, roughly eight months after New York. Honestly it was more early morning when a nightmare had interrupted his sleep and gotten him up. Steve came in search for something warm to drink in the common room. Instead he found a very young man with blond messy hair, a band aid over his eyebrow and the coffee pot in his hand.
»Hey,« Steve said surprised that someone was up this later or rather early. He wasn't sure who the young man was but when he was in here he had to belong to Tony's staff.
»Hey Cap, rough night?«
Steve stopped dead in his tracks. That voice. How was this possible? He took another look at the man, searching for something in his face and finally it clicked.
»Hawkeye?«, he blurted out before he could stop himself. The man snorted.
»I know I wear a mask in the field, but you have seen me plenty without it … so what's the matter?«
Steve gulped. Hawkeye was always in focus, his features always serious and he carried himself like the experienced fighter he was. The man in front of him … he looked too skinny, too young, to worn out to be Hawkeye. That was the moment Steve finally understood what Tasha had meant with her cryptic wait until you meet all of him she had thrown at him once when he had voiced his concerns about Hawkeye.
»You … look … different.« Steve had wanted to say something else but at the last moment he didn't. The man laughed. A fully blown laughter, something Steve had never seen with Hawkeye.
»Yeah, well … Hi, I am Clint Barton, Codename Hawkeye,« he introduced himself as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Steve took the offered hand.
»Just don't tell the others I am here. They haven't met me yet,« Clint said lowly, put a finger to his lips and smiled. Clint was different to Hawkeye. But the same. It was wired. But Steve was one step closer to accepting the man into his team as a full member.
Five months later Clint moved into the tower permanently and with him came a whole new set of rules they had to keep in mind. It made Steve think about his qualities as team leader really hard that the other already knew.
Clint cornered Steve one evening with the request for a one on one talk. Steve wasn't sure what the archer wanted but by now he had learned that Clint never requested anything without a reason hence he took Clint to his apartment. Clint seemed nervous about what ever he wanted to talk about but Steve let him sort out his thoughts instead of rushing him into talking. Another thing he learned the past months. Steve sat down on his couch, waiting patiently and after a few minutes Clint settled into one of the arm chairs. He looked serious.
»I have a complex PTSD due to massive child abuse, loss of parents at a young age, molestation, physical and mental abuse during teenage years. Building into extreme torture, dozens of rapes, countless traumatic events such as natural disasters, being held hostage for months, betrayal, an unknown number of life threatening events, injuries and … well, I am deaf.«
Steve swallowed hard. He had read what little had been in Clint's digital file from S.H.I.E.L.D but hearing and reading were two completely different things.
»I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, am a very difficult and picky eater, I am a perfectionist, don't work well with others, there are days I cannot stand being touched without my permission, not even on accident. There are even days I cannot stand humans around me. I have nightmares, I usually sleep two to three hours at a time. I am highly intelligent but not highly educated, I don't like being bossed around. I am a brilliant tactician, master of several martial arts, a master swords man, archer and shooter.«
Steven didn't know what had prompted Hawkeye's outburst into chattiness even less so he actually didn't sell himself short for once, but he didn't dare to interrupt the man. Not when he finally put everything out there for him to hear.
»My mind works different to yours, if you are out of options I have barely even started going through mine. I am ruthless, merciless and cunning.«
The silence was deafening. Clint was nestling with his sleeve as if he wasn't sure if he should continue.
»The symptoms of my PTSD are nightmares, I always am aware of my surroundings, always know the easiest way out of a room, who to take out first and so on. I am easy to startle, loud noises that are not expected might possibly trigger me into switching into mission mode. Do not engage, I repeat, do NOT engage then, back away, let me see your hands at all times, do not move suddenly. Usually I am quick to refocus after a trigger. If I am not, back away, wait it out. I will not attack unless threatened. But if I do, don't be fooled, I am more dangerous than meets the eye at first glance. Do not touch me after a mission, a battle or something similar to that because I will respond with violence. Always ask for permission before you touch me at all. Never sneak up on me, never ever under any circumstances wake me up by touching me. I will respond with violence and while I will be able to hold back and refocus when I am awake, I will not if you wake me up. Do not take my weapons from me unless I give you permission for it. I will not tell you every time I am hurt or injured because that would be constantly but I will let you know when it is serious and I will seek out help if necessary.«
Steve raised an eyebrow. Where was Clint going with this?
»I don't need to know all of ...«, Steve started but Clint interrupted him with one brief glance before he looked down on his hands again.
»Yes you do. If I want to live here you should know. The others … are already used to me …«, he trailed off, obviously waiting for some reaction from Steve. But Steve still had his doing to process what Clint had just thrown at him. And then it dawned him.
»What changed your mind?«, he asked softly.
Clint looked up, shrugged.
»I didn't but you did. So if you still have doubts I can stay at the Helicarrier but if you are willing to give it a chance, let's try this.«
Steve nodded. They would find a way to make it work. The archer smiled relieved. He rose, glanced at Steve once more and left. Steve leaned back, rubbed his hands over his face and thought about what he just had heard.
Steve learned within the first few days with Clint in the tower that things could get out of hand very very quickly. But he also found a deep deep respect for the archer and how he handled his life. The doubts and concerns flared back up from time to time. It almost took another six months before Steve put them to rest completely.
To be more exact, it took Ronin to put those doubts to rest. Steve later told Clint that Ronin cut those doubts into pieces and he quiet literally meant it that way. The first Steve Rogers met Ronin he was tempted to run away. He might even would have tried if he hadn't been chained to a chair in some factory hall god-knew-where. Steve had heard of Ronin, only whispers and rumours and some shady hints in Clint's file. He never asked Clint about Ronin though. He knew the archer would come to him if he found that Steve needed to know. Right that moment, when Ronin stood in the open door to the torture chamber, his katanas dripping blood, Steve wished he'd been able to run. Or that at least Clint had warned him. Ronin radiated danger like the sun radiated heat. His suit was black with formerly maybe golden accent that were now crimson red with the blood of Steve's captors. Ronin had his hood drawn deep into his face, only his lips were visible. Lips that were smiling a wicked smile. Now Steve understood exactly what Fury had talked about. If Steve had not known that Ronin was another codename to hide Barton behind, he would have prayed his last rite.
»Hey Cap, you okay?«
It was wired to hear that voice, knowing what Ronin just had done. The hallway behind him was gushing red, the scent of too much blood was everywhere, heavy, metallic and disgusting but Ronin didn't seem to be bothered by it.
»Yeah, I am fine,« Steve choked out. Ronin again smiled softer this time, lifting one of his swords and Steve later told Natasha that in that moment he thought himself dead. But Ronin only cut his chains and stepped back.
»Watch your steps on the way out … it's a bit slippery out there.«
That was a soft warning for the slaughter house Steve had to cross to exit the fabric hall. He wasn't sure what made him more nauseous, the dark amusement in Ronin's voice or the scent of blood. On their way out, Steve didn't look left or right, he only looked down in front of him. Now and then Steve glanced back at Ronin who walked behind him, maybe to guard him or to make sure that he didn't turn and run away.
With every step they took Ronin vanished more and more and by the time they had made it outside Clint had pushed back Ronin's hood. He looked tired and on the edge and Steve would have given a lot then and there to be able to simply pull Clint into a bear hug. By now he knew enough about the man to not do it.
»Clint ...«, he started but Clint shook his head, walked past Steve to the Quinjet.
»It was the only way, the only way to make sure that I'd get to you in time,« Clint said without hesitation. They step on board the Quinjet and he threw Steve a new suit, placed his shield next to the bench and slipped into the pilot seat. Steve didn't ask why Clint had come alone, he didn't ask where the others were and he didn't address Ronin or the massacre he left behind. That were topics for later.
»We have work to do, you up for it?,« Clint asked for the cockpit and Steve only nodded to that. Clint filled him in on what was going on while Steve redressed and mused how easily Clint had switched back from Ronin to Clint and now back into Hawkeye. When Hulk wrapped himself around the shattering archer Steve wondered how he could have been this wrong.
Months later, when Steve had had time to figure out a little more about him he asked Clint if it was like a split personality.
»No, not exactly like that. Think of it more like …, Tony's suits. He has suits for special occasions right?«
Steve nodded, but he wasn't really sure where Clint wanted to go with this.
»Well, it's kinda like that with Hawkeye and Ronin. Hawkeye is closer to me, he is easier to handle and easier to re focus after. Ronin is the big guy. I only use that special skill set if everything else fails. I only use his weapons if I have to because I can get lost in the darkness of my mind pretty easily with Ronin.«
In a wired way that made absolute sense for Steve. Sometimes he wondered if there were more aliases or rather skill sets Clint had used in the past but he never asked about it. Clint was very private with his past and his current life. He felt no wish to betray the trust the archer had put into him. Sometimes he thought about the evening in Fury's office and had then he'd shake his head about himself.
At least Steve now knew what the archer was capable off if let lose. Ronin had made a huge impression on him. The next time something triggered Clint into mission mode in the middle of a team dinner he carefully kept to the rules they had laid down for situations like that. Steve now knew Clint hadn't been joking when had warned them that he was more dangerous than it was obvious at first glance. Back when Clint had given them instruction how to handle day to day life with him Steve had thought that he was exaggerating. By now he had changed his mind. Now he was convinced that Clint had actually played it down.
Later, much later, when Steve realised who and above all what Clint was, he was angry for a moment that the archer apparently still did not trust him completely. Or at least enough to tell him the truth. After a long, very frank and sometimes very painful conversation with Clint, Steve realised that Clint had not only protected himself. He had also protected Steve's unshakeable faith in humanity. It still had hurt to be one of the last persons to be introduced to all of Clint but Steve counted himself still lucky. That never changed in all the years he spend with Clint among the Avengers and it did not change when Clint was the one stepping in Steve's path to protect others.