Chapter Text
At first, I was loud. I screamed until the caverns of my throat burned red and sore. Until they burst open and the sound of his name in my blood flowed into the hollowed chests of the gods. The absence of hearts in them was something I learned too late.
After the arrow struck, I felt hope for the first time since forever. There was silence, hope , in me as I crossed the Styx and then it all ended.
Time passed slowly, and in a blur after that. I had seen the fallen passing one by one- Myrmidons and Trojans alike, Hector, Agaemmemnon, Odysseus- much later, and even my son. Everyone except him. I remembered asking, pleading. All this before the silence.
After, I spent all my time in a corner I had claimed for my own, no longer looking at the travellers. I could no longer form words, I no longer wished to. Acceptance crawled from somewhere beneath me slowly, and pierced my back all at once. He was not coming back, I wept and then I did not. It was quiet, the raging storm in my soul thumped but I made no sound. I would never speak again, I decided. Not if it's not Patroclus.
I remember thinking of my lyre one day. His mother's lyre, to be precise. I was stringing together a song I made for him, with Patroclus looking at me like I am the sun. I was smiling through the song, and he was smiling at me. It was in our camp, I think. It was night and we were sitting beneath the stars, his hand on my thigh.
I opened my eyes and it felt surreal for a second. There was a weird feeling in my chest, something not quite sad. Infact, it was a good feeling. I remember the fond look on my Patroclus' face and it filled a similar feeling within me. It did not make me want to tug at my hair or tear up, it made me want to smile. And I did.
Unknowingly then, a verse escaped my lips.
From then on I began singing.
"If I had wings like Noah's dove
I'd fly the river to the one that I love
Fare three well, my honey fare three well."
It had been weeks, months, years, maybe. I did not know how long. I did not know how long had passed since I sang or even spoke. But when my cords moved, I pictured that my voice would be carried away to wherever he was. That he could hear me like he was sitting right by me. I pictured him smiling to my song. Our song. And I kept singing.
"I had a man, who was long and tall
He moved his body like a cannon ball
Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well."
He had promised, I thought between the verses, he had promised to follow me anywhere, to the ends of the world, even after death.
Why wasn't he here now ?
Why didn't he smile back at me when I turned around to look at him ?
Why did all I find was a void, empty and devoid of anything that made me human?
"I remember one evening in the pouring rain
And in my heart there was an aching pain
Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well."
I remember too well, the day he wept beside me, begged me to fall in, and I did not. I remember calling out his name for the last time, in a tone I had never used with him before. What came later was of no use, he wouldn't come back no matter how much I called out for him. He would never look at me with his reddened cheeks after I sing out his name. Never again.
Nobody but me to blame.
"Muddy river runs muddy and wild
You can't give a bloody for my unborn child
Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well"
Nobody but me and the gods. I hadn't forgotten, nor forgiven my own mother's kind for all that they could have prevented. All that they could've given me back and Patroclus was my all. My love and tears could rival Eurydice's lover, and yet here I was. My wretched son could lie in the gardens of Elysium but Patroclus couldn't even get on Charon's boat.
I thought of lovely Patroclus, tending to the wounds of the fallen. Of him, coming with me to Troy. Of him, who was the human half of me. Of him, dying like a hero. The best of men, my Patroclus.
"Just as sure as the birds are flying high
Life ain't worth living if you ain't with the man you love
Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well"
Maybe this was my punishment, this was eternal damnation. Longing, for eternity. Maybe this was what the fates saw just, maybe he was in someplace better after all.
A small crowd I hadn't noticed all this time had gathered around me. Wandering souls, creatures of the underworld, forming an arc, listening to my song sung for the one gone too far.
And then all of a sudden, I heard something soft. It sounded like heaven and I looked up. I could not make out the faces I saw with my hazy eyes, but I knew that voice. I would know it anywhere.
He stepped out from behind the gathering, glowing, beautiful like I had always known him to be. We locked eyes, then hands and it was all light.
I sang out his name, this time to him.