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It was dark outside as the clock hit midnight, and Kazuma was wandering around London’s streets all alone. The young prosecutor had tried to fall asleep, but his chest couldn’t stop aching and his hands couldn’t stop shaking. He then decided to go outside hoping to clear his head. Many hours had passed since that fateful trial. Many hours had passed since his father had been finally freed from the curse a rotten sense of justice had cast upon him. Still, he felt as if there was a missing piece, or as if he forgot a crucial mistake he somehow made.
Kazuma Asougi should’ve been happy.
His only life goal had been fulfilled, all of the blood and sweat he had drenched his life in weren’t a waste. Many people spend their time alive by chasing after dreams and expectations. They think that everything will fall into place, as they plan their future with their hope-filled hearts. But eventually most of them fail, be it for the lack of patience or unfortunate circumstances, and then their lives become nothing but a void filled with an insufferable routine. Kazuma was lucky enough that he wasn’t among these sad souls. No matter what he had to endure, he kept going on. No matter what he put himself through. No matter what he put the others through.
He wasn’t someone to pity, that’s why he should’ve been happy.
And yet, since the trial had ended nothing felt right. The loneliness that Kazuma previously craved had turned into a distressing feeling. He was alone. There was no one there for him as he struggled to walk because of the poor lighting that came from the lampposts. He had put everyone aside just for this to happen. He ignored Susato, who adored him and thought highly of him. He ignored his parents’ teachings. He ignored Naruhodo Ryuunosuke, his best friend, the man who literally jumped into a suitcase just to follow him all the way to London. The man who loved Kazuma the most. The man who would set sail and go back to Japan on the morrow. At that point, the prosecutor had stopped walking to stare aimlessly at the dark path before him. He felt miserable.
How could Kazuma be happy?
Asougi was ashamed of himself. He had lost himself under the pretence of being an honorary student, while Ryuunosuke had managed to become a great attorney, and surrounded himself with people who loved him. The defense lawyer had found a new family in London, even though he had to deal with the pain of a supposedly lost friend, even though he had to shape his morals during his stay. Naruhodo is much more worthy of praise - Kazuma thought - he’s someone to be proud of.
A few raindrops fell on the prosecutor’s cheeks, a quiet but clear warning. One last glance at the road ahead, and Asougi made his way back to his lodgings.
The sun hadn’t risen yet when Kazuma woke up. He had barely slept that night, but he was glad he at least got up in time to bid his friends farewell. Staring at his own reflection in the mirror, Asougi began to button up his ridiculously complex garments. The pure white he had on surely was different from Yumei’s coal black uniform. Kazuma shared a bittersweet smile as he reminisced his days as a student, and unconsciously brought his hand to his forehead, touching the same spot where his red hachimaki used to lay.
Such peaceful memories.
Memories he’ll never get to live again.
Asougi grabbed Karuma, his sword, his own soul, and held it tightly. He closed his eyes, and pictured his father and mother, both looking at him with a scolding look.
Are you disappointed in me?
Kazuma felt a knot forming in his throat, his eyes were burning.
I don’t have time for this, he thought, while clenching his jaw in order to prevent the tears from falling.
I really don’t have time for this.
The prosecutor adjusted his cravat and frantically rushed over the door; he'd never forgive himself if he missed Ryuunosuke’s departure.
It was depressing, really, watching the ship sail and become of the same colour as the horizon. Asougi found himself unable to look away, and he couldn’t stop his heart from aching. Everyone had progressed forward, everyone had improved themselves, while Kazuma was doomed to an unknown future, working a job he had never even once considered. He wondered what great goals his best friend would achieve. Maybe one day Ryuunosuke would live a fulfilling life, and he’d be the one to forget Asougi, or remember him as a colleague he would occasionally have lunch with. Kazuma was deep in his thoughts, when suddenly he heard a tiny voice next to him.
“Mr Asougi?”
The prosecutor turned his gaze to see a little girl with bright pink hair. He smiled politely and replied.
“Ah, you must be Mr Holmes’ daughter. What can I do for you?”
“I’m Iris, yes! Well, it’s just…you’ve known Runo for a long time, do you think he’ll ever come back?”
The girl was visibly anxious, it was clear that she felt bad for doubting Ryuunosuke’s words.
“Naruhodo never breaks his promises. You can rest assured that he’ll be back, and in the meantime he’ll be missing you a lot.”
Iris had a radiating smile on her face, and Kazuma was happy to notice he at least managed to dissipate her worries.
“Thank you, Mr Asougi! I’m sure Runo misses you already. After all, the bond that the two of you share…”
The little girl suddenly seemed to have remembered something important.
“Oh! I’m sorry, Mr Asougi, but I really must go. I forgot to tell Hurley I was going to talk to you, he must be worried!”
Iris ran away before Kazuma could even ask her to complete that sentence left unsaid. Having noticed that the ship was now completely out of sight, the prosecutor decided to leave the port. Asougi went through the day as if nothing remarkable had really happened, and he purposefully ignored both his emptiness and the forming headache. However, once the night had arrived, Kazuma’s attention was drawn to a sole thought.
Even if I’m not there to share his happiness, I’m glad a piece of me stays with him. Karuma is in better hands.
A year had passed since Susato and Ryuunosuke had left the English soil, and Asougi was sure that, sooner or later, he would’ve gone crazy for good. He found out that being a prosecutor wasn’t as thrilling as he hoped it would be, and working under Van Zieks’ authority was even more unnerving. Kazuma spent his days filing paperwork and facing unskilled defense lawyers, seeing no one but his chief and the Yard. If he was lucky, he’d get to chat with either Holmes or Iris, since they made it their hobby to drop by the office just to enjoy a cup of tea with Van Zieks. Still, Asougi had his little reward for dealing with an uninspiring routine; said reward being the letters that Ryuunosuke periodically sent him. At first, the contents of these correspondences mostly concerned details about cases and lighthearted jokes, but those exchanges suddenly took an unexpected turn.
It all began on a cloudy evening. Kazuma had just gotten back from a rough trial, and although his head was clouded with drowsiness and fatigue, he kept himself wide awake as he opened Naruhodo’s latest letter.
My dear friend Asougi,
today was a peaceful day. I was free from work, and Susato had gone to visit her friend Haori. I didn’t have much to do (and I felt kinda lonely, it’s not like I hang out with many people here in Japan) so I decided to go for a walk. I saw pretty flowers and I felt the wind caress my cheeks, it was nice. I walked past many buildings and people. I recognized the place where we’d always get beef stew. I reminisced when we would just lay on the grass and indulge in a relaxing sleep. Everything made me think of us. I witnessed a storm of birds flying gracefully in the sky, and I swear I could hear your voice. Everything made me think of you. I know that things between us are different now, but I wonder if you ever enjoyed the time we spent together. And if you did, I wonder if you ever enjoyed it as much as I did. I miss you, Asougi.
Your friend, Naruhodo Ryuunosuke.
Kazuma found himself crying. It was vulnerable of him, but he couldn’t do anything to stop the tears from falling on the piece of paper he gently held in his hands. Ryuunosuke had always been good with words, but it was the first time he had been so straightforward. As soon as he regained composure, Asougi quickly grabbed his ink and brush and began writing his reply. He was so frantic, almost as if his life depended on that letter. The prosecutor needed to reassure his friend, he needed to tell him how much he’d pay to go back to those precious days.
Dear Naruhodo,
I know I have hidden the truth from you, but please, you must never assume that the time we spent together was of no importance to me. I swear on my life that I always cherished our friendship, and I never once lied about enjoying your company. Right now, seeing you again and getting to doze off with you is my most intense desire. I pray for the day I can finally hug you again. I miss you more each day.
Kazuma raised his brush as he silently picked his next words. He was unsure even after making his decision.
Yours, Kazuma.
That was his closure, and he had poured all of his purest feelings in it. Asougi had wondered what face Ryuunosuke would’ve made when reading such letter. Maybe his friend would’ve become beet red, or maybe his correspondence would’ve found its way in a trash bin.
And so, ever since that day, the two boys had started to taint their exchanges with delicate teasing. Every word, every comma, they all portrayed an intimate reality that was carefully kept private. It was their secret, one that many would deem as inappropriate, but to them it was a comfortable warmth, something they could seek joy in. Moreover, Ryuunosuke seemed to have appreciated the closure Kazuma had chosen a bit too much, considering that the defense lawyer had now the habit of adding it at the end of every letter he wrote. It didn’t matter that they were distant, they found each other in the pleasant smell of ink stained paper. They could close their eyes and pretend that their bodies were touching.
But pretending wasn’t enough to make them happy.
That’s why Asougi’s heart bursted out of his chest when Naruhodo gave him exciting news.
Dear Kazuma,
I’ll be coming back soon, on the back of this letter you’ll find a few instructions regarding time and place. I can’t wait to see you again.
Yours, Ryuunosuke.
It was probably the shortest correspondence the prosecutor had ever received from his friend, but he didn’t care. Kazuma smiled until his whole face hurt.
Dear Ryuunosuke,
you’ll find me waiting for you.
Yours, Kazuma.
Asougi stood proudly as the wind dishevelled his hair. Even the relaxing scent of sea breeze couldn’t suppress his excitement. Two years prior, the prosecutor had been in that same port, watching with glassy eyes his friends’ departure, clinging onto a melancholic sentiment. Two years prior he had lost himself.
“Come on Daddy, hurry! Susie and Runo will be here soon!”
“Iris, dear, give your old man a break!”
Kazuma recognized the voices of Mr Holmes and his daughter, and when he was about to greet them, he was startled by the loud noise made by the coming ship’s horn.
“Daddy, here they are!”
“Please don’t run too far away!”
Asougi tried his best to spot Naruhodo and Susato, but the crowd tossed him around and blocked his view. He inspected every face that ever met his eyes, but still, there was no trace of his friends.
“Susie, Runo!”
Kazuma followed the young girl’s voice, and ended up witnessing a rather heartwarming scene. Ryuunosuke was holding Iris with the care of an older brother, and he then proceeded to gently spun her around. Susato was close to crying tears of joy as she saw how much Iris had grown up in the two years she had been away. The great detective had reached them at last, and greeted everyone with a warm hug. The prosecutor backed off and fixed his gaze on the sea to give the family before him some space. A few minutes had passed, and Kazuma heard a warm voice calling for him.
“Asougi.”
Ryuunosuke was standing before him, his deep brown eyes showed his gentle nature.
“Naruhodo.”
The prosecutor smiled back at his friend.
“You haven’t changed a bit.”
“The same goes for you.”
“I… I hope it’s a good thing.”
Ryuunosuke’s worrisome tone made Kazuma answer the implicit question as fast as he could.
“Yes. Yes it is.”
“Asougi, I-”
The two boys were brutally interrupted by Holmes’ speaking. The great detective had mentioned something about his daughter insisting on going back to Baker Street as soon as possible, since she really wanted everyone to taste the cakes she had cooked for the occasion. Ryuunosuke nodded and looked back at Kazuma.
“It seems I must already go.”
“You can drop by my lodgings tonight. If you want, that is.”
Naruhodo slightly blushed at the offer.
“Of course! I’ll be seeing you, then.”
Asougi couldn’t quite understand what went through his head when he told Ryuunosuke to come over. While it was true that the letters they wrote to each other were aimed at a certain kind of affection, it was also true that this was the first time they met after two whole years. And their last encounter before the departure was in a courtroom, if that even counted. Kazuma almost jumped as he heard a few knocks on his door.
Ah. His guest had arrived.
The prosecutor opened the door and found Naruhodo looking everywhere but at him.
“Good evening.”
Ryuunosuke smiled awkwardly, and followed Kazuma, who was now leading him to the small dining room.
“Do you perhaps want some tea? I just brewed some.”
“Ah, yes. Thank you, Asougi.”
Kazuma realized how awkward his surname sounded, especially after all the times he got called by his given name in their correspondences. The silence between them was thick and distressing, it was clear that both of them wanted to break the ice but didn’t know how to, considering how peculiar their relationship had shown itself to be in the last few months. Suddenly, Ryuunosuke blurted out words Asougi had never thought he would hear.
“Professor Mikotoba made fun of me.”
A long pause.
“Excuse me?”
Naruhodo cleared his throat, then he began to explain himself.
“Professor Mikotoba made fun of me, when he saw me reading one of your letters. Of course he didn’t know who the sender was, so he just told me: ‘your face is so red, could it be that you stole a young english maiden’s heart?’”
“I’ve been called many things, but ‘young maiden’ sure is new.”
Ryuunosuke shamelessly ignored Asougi’s comment, and he continued to speak, while keeping his gaze down.
“It was embarrassing, and yet, it made me realize how much I was taken by your words.”
The defense lawyer then got up from his seat and looked directly into Kazuma's eyes.
“Did you really mean it? That you enjoyed every moment we spent together.”
Asougi mimicked his friend’s movement and stood with a fierce expression. It pained him to see that Ryuunosuke was still unsure of the authenticity of his feelings.
“Of course, I meant every word I said.”
Kazuma gently grabbed Naruhodo’s hand and brought it to his lips.
“You’re special to me.”
Ryuunosuke felt his cheeks grow hotter and redder, his partner’s chivalry had really gotten to him. Kazuma moved them closer to each other.
Pretending was really nothing compared to this.
Asougi released his grip from Ryuunosuke’s wrist, and slowly started running his hands up and down the other’s waist. A touch as soft as a dark stained brush, loving affirmations written all over their faces. Naruhodo’s fingers were softly tangled in his friend’s hair.
“You’re stunning, Kazuma.”
They kissed until their lungs begged for air. Their hands were sweaty and sticky, and yet they couldn’t part. Asougi brushed his thumb against Naruhodo’s bottom lip.
“Ryuunosuke, let me be your lover.”
The defense lawyer was still a bit dazed and moved forward to close the gap between them.
“Yes, yes. And I’ll be your lover, too.”
They felt at peace as they embraced, as they sought reassurance in each other.
The bond that the two of them shared truly was extraordinary.