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Half a year ago, if someone would have asked him who in the morning lobby he was most likely to develop a stupid little crush on, Apollo probably would have said Hafu. It just makes sense. She's very clever, and a good gamer. Every time they play Among Us together, she manages to impress him with her insight and gameplay, and he likes to think of himself as a pretty good player. Any other games they play too: if Hafu wants to be good at it, she will get good at it. It's admirable, and a little sexy as well, Apollo thinks. Competence is a good look.
Not to mention that she's a beautiful person in all senses of the word. She's genuine, sweet, and helpful, and she cares so much about everyone in the group. And she's pretty as well, it's almost unfair. Yeah, Apollo would definitely have said Hafu.
If someone would have asked Apollo who he most definitely wouldn't be getting a stupid little crush on, he would have said Steve. Loud, annoying Steve, with his big mouth, his terrible accents, and his love of toilet humour. Apollo was genuinely surprised when he found out that the two of them are of an age, because Steve is just so damn immature.
Ok, that's maybe too harsh. Steve's not that bad. He seems nice enough, and bar the toilet humour, he is legitimately hilarious, but he just gives off this vapid party boy vibe that Apollo can't relate to. Crushing on Steve is simply not going to happen.
It turns out that, occasionally, Apollo is wrong. A month into their acquaintance, he has to admit that he's misjudged Steve. Sure, Steve is loud, and annoying, but he's also very kind, and as big a nerd as Apollo is himself. It's only been weeks, but it feels like he's known Steve for years. Conversation flows easily between them, since they have many similar interests, but he notices that they can also sit in companionable silence. At some point, he finds out that Steve likes to produce music, and they spend several nights talking about that, and sharing their music with each other, and there's no coming back from that. Somehow Steve has become one of his best friends.
-
The last couple of weeks have been so good, Apollo thinks, lying in his bed. The streams have been fun, especially the ones where Steve and he have been playing It Takes Two . It's the perfect mix of their teamwork, their wonder at the game, and them just fucking around teasing each other and having fun.
It only promises to get better. Hafu's birthday is days away, and Apollo is a little anxious, but also so fucking hyped to meet everyone in real life. He's so keyed up, in fact, that he can't seem to fall asleep. He really should, because it's nearing three o'clock, he's wide awake, and there's Among Us in the morning, but he knows from experience that trying to force yourself to fall asleep usually has the opposite effect. Instead he grabs his phone and opens up YouTube. He watches one of his own Among Us videos, but he's not sleepy enough by the time it's over, so he watches some of the suggested videos by a variety of clip channels. One of them is a clip from today titled Best day of Steve's life , in which Steve gets fucking psyched about a little shark costume in Among Us . It's adorable, so he watches it again. And again. And then once more for good measure. And then he opens a 40-minute best of Steve clip compilation. Since this means that he doesn't have to search for new clips for a while, he cocoons himself into his blanket and just lets the video play. It's nice and warm, and the clips are fun. He likes Steve's laugh, it's contagious. He also simply likes seeing Steve happy.
He's not even five minutes in, and he can already feel his eyes grow heavy. He thinks he might finally be able to drift off, when he hears Steve's very loud laugh. He opens one eye to look at the screen, and sees Steve, hunched over, eyes squeezed shut, hand over his mouth, and positively dying with laughter. Apollo smiles, and giggles when Steve continues laughing. The Steve in his screen tries to roast Janet, but fails and dissolves into hysterics, and Apollo has to try very hard to not laugh aloud and wake his neighbours.
It's the laugh that does him in. The unrestrained, mirthful, full-body laugh. It's the middle of the night, he's comfy, and watching Steve gives him a warm feeling in his chest, and he thinks I love him.
Fuck. Fuck . He’s got a stupid little crush on Steve. Fuck.
Well, suddenly he's wide awake again.
-
The first thing he notices about Steve when they meet is how tall he is, which is a dumb thing to notice because Apollo is taller, but he's used to people being much shorter than him, and he normally only sees Steve's face and maybe arms on stream. It's weird to have this lanky guy standing in front of him.
"Hello Steve," he says, and he waves his hand awkwardly, worrying about how to proceed. Should he hold out a hand to shake? Or maybe bump fists? Hug? Is just waving enough?
Luckily Steve makes the decision for him. "Hey little buddy," he says, and he wraps his arms around Apollo for a short hug, "I can't believe I finally get to hug my second favourite dog."
"I'm taller than you, you little shit," Apollo replies, not letting himself stay in Steve's arms for too long.
"Blatant Jubbs erasure!" Hafu admonishes, before also giving Apollo a hug. Steve laughs, and Hafu shows Apollo to the living room, where he's greeted by Janet's "Helloooo", and that's that.
-
They go out for dinner, and it’s almost overwhelming with so many new people, but thankfully they’re only new in the sense that he hasn’t met them in real life. Sure they’re a little different off stream, but still, there’s no awkward so, what do you do for a living conversations to slog through. Plus, he’s spending enough energy on interacting with everyone that he doesn’t have any left over for worrying about his stupid feelings for stupid Steve.
This changes when they get back to the hotel. Apollo pulls the door closed behind him and as it clicks closed, suddenly it clicks in his mind that he’s going to have to sleep in the same room as Steve for three days. They’re going to have to change in front of each other, shower in a bathroom with no lock, and then get breakfast together to finish it off. His mind starts running through several scenarios that all end in a kiss, each more outrageous than the next. He leans his head against the door, takes a deep breath, and forces himself to banish all of that from his thoughts.
“Everything ok over there?” Steve asks, and it’s a good thing that his head is already touching the door or he would have had a nice bruise to explain in the morning.
“Long day.” Apollo mumbles. He turns around, drops his stuff, and falls down onto the bed that Steve isn’t occupying.
“Yeah, I feel that,” Steve says, humming as he’s inspecting the contents of the minibar. He holds up a can of coke. “You want a drink?”
“Dude, put that back,” Apollo says, sitting up. “That shit costs like a bajillion dollars.”
Steve shrugs. “My treat?” He goes back to rummaging in the fridge. “There’s booze too, if you prefer.”
Apollo purses his lips, considering. “I’ll take a coke, thanks,” he says, and Steve immediately lobs the can in his general direction, before cracking open a can of his own. Apollo watches him throw his head back and take a swig, and nope, he’d better stop that thought in its tracks. He tears his gaze away and looks for the can, which is on his bed. He grabs it, sits back, and makes eye contact with Steve, which is very unfortunate, because when he opens the can, it explodes all over him and his bed.
It’s quiet for a beat, and then Steve dissolves into laughter. Apollo would be mad, but to be honest, he can’t not laugh along when Steve is so... so Steve.
“What are you going to do?” Steve asks when he’s calmed down.
“About what?”
“Your bed. Are you really sleeping there after your coke just came all over it?” And he’s cry-laughing again.
“It’s only on top of the duvet,” Apollo responds. “It’ll be fine.”
Steve wipes his eyes and sits down on his bed. He pats it with his hand and says, “Well, you can always get in with me.”
And god, that is tempting. Apollo’s brain is immediately imagining it. Falling asleep in the same bed as Steve. Waking up in each other’s arms, Steve’s breath on his face. Having him close enough to count his freckles.
“Hello? Earth to Dumbdog?” Steve waves his hand in front of Apollo’s face.
“Nah, it’ll be fine. Thanks, though.” Apollo says.
They go to bed not too much later. Apollo falls asleep looking at Steve, and if he dreams about taking Steve up on his offer, that is no one’s business but his own.
-
When he wakes up the next morning, there's an issue. An issue in the shape of his boxers being too tight. He curses. Now is not the time for this. He looks over at Steve's bed and finds it empty. At the same time the sound of a running shower registers in his brain. Steve's an early riser, so that makes sense, but it also has the unfortunate side effect of making him think about Steve in the shower, and once again: now is not the time. He tries to will his dick to calm the fuck down, and when that doesn't work he considers just quickly taking care of it. Of course, as soon as he thinks this, he hears Steve turn off the shower, so that plan goes out the window. He'd rather be caught with a boner than be caught jerking off.
Moments later, Steve steps into the room dressed in nothing but a towel. Before Apollo even thinks to pretend to be asleep, Steve notices he's awake. He winks at Apollo and says "Good morning, baby".
"Morning," Apollo responds. He doesn't want to look Steve in the eyes, but also doesn't want to risk looking anywhere else.
"How about some breakfast after our night of passion?" Steve jokes.
Apollo groans in embarrassment, and if Steve didn't know that something was going on already, he definitely does now. Apollo can tell by the glint in his eyes.
"Get out of bed, you lazy bitch." Steve walks up to him, and moves to grab the blanket.
Apollo's hands come up and he grabs the blanket in a death grip. "I can't, give me a moment," he mumbles, trying to ignore the way that Steve's face lights up as if Christmas has come early.
"I can help with that," Steve says, and Apollo blushes furiously. Steve continues, "Let me get you started with a wee little striptease." He yanks the towel away before Apollo manages to close his eyes, and bursts out laughing. He's already wearing underwear, and Apollo would have laughed too, if he wasn't so fucking mortified.
Steve continues getting dressed with a big grin on his face. When he's done, he turns to Apollo and says "I'm going downstairs for some coffee. Come join me when you're ready?" He grabs his phone from the table, and walking towards the door, he adds, "Have fun. Say hello to little Dumbdog from me".
"Fuck you, Steve" Apollo spits.
"You wish," Steve calls out, before the door closes behind him.
-
When he walks into the hotel restaurant, Steve waves him over. He's leaning back in his chair, holding his cup of coffee, his breakfast on a tray in front of him. Apollo grabs some breakfast of his own from the buffet, and sits down across from Steve. Steve's eyes are glittering, and the corners of his mouth are curling up. Apollo shoves some food in his mouth, and busies his hands playing with his glass of orange juice. He keeps waiting for Steve to say something, to laugh at him again, but it doesn't happen. They only exchange some pleasantries, and Apollo has almost convinced himself that Steve's going to let this go, but then he hears Steve clear his throat.
"So, Dumbdog," Steve says, and when Apollo meets his eyes, he grins, and says "How was your night?" before positively deep-throating a banana.
Apollo almost chokes on his food, and he feels himself turn beet red, but Steve doesn't stop.
"Did you dream about anything nice?"
Apollo groans and puts his head in his hands. "Please, Steve"
"No, no, I'm very interested. Did it involve dogs? Or perhaps pussies?"
"Quit it, Steve," 5up says, and Apollo's never been happier to hear that melodious voice in his life. "Can't you see that he wants you to stop?"
5up plops down in the chair next to Apollo, and starts eating his breakfast. They sit in silence, and after a while, Apollo sits up again. For the shortest time, he makes eye contact with Steve, who immediately begins apologising. "I'm sorry, man. I went too far. Are you ok?" He sounds genuinely remorseful.
Apollo nods sharply. "Can we just pretend this never happened?" he asks.
"Of course, sure, bud. We're moving past it. I've already forgotten."
"Thanks," Apollo says, and he watches Steve smile at him. He looks sad.
-
Surprisingly, there's nothing awkward between them after that. They still laugh together, annoy each other, hold conversations without resorting to small talk. Apollo would have said that nothing has changed at all, were it not for the fact that Steve has completely stopped flirting with him, sweet talking and batting his eyelashes at Hafu's husband David instead. And that's a good thing, he tells himself. No way to put this crush behind him if Steve keeps fuelling it.
When they decide to play Among Us in pairs on Hafu's actual birthday, he pretends he isn't disappointed when Steve pairs up with Hafu. It's fine. He plays together with 5up, which makes sense, because they both usually don't use a face cam. He feels guilty for a second, because with two big brains in this team, they'll probably demolish the lobby, but that feeling goes away when Aipha catches them hopping into a vent because they're fighting over the controls.
5up leaves to sit with Hafu and Steve a few times, and Apollo feels this pull, this wish to also go sit with Steve, but he doesn't. He shouldn't let his lovesick brain make decisions for him.
After they're done with Among Us , everyone gathers in Hafu's room. Steve is the last one to get there, and he plops down in a chair to Apollo's left, and oh my god, Apollo thinks, can his brain stop being so fucking aware of what Steve is doing all the time. Every time Steve says something, Apollo looks over, and watches him grin, or play with his hair, and he has to keep reminding himself that he's on stream, that he can't keep making heart eyes at Steve.
He's doing an ok job, he thinks, but then they play water or vodka, and when it's Steve's turn he almost sits down in Apollo's lap. It's good that everyone is so loud; the noise they're making covers Apollo's sharp intake of breath. The only one who notices is Kimi, who looks between him and Steve, frowns for a second, and then lets it go.
This is not fun, Apollo thinks. It hurts, and he wants it to stop. He wants to go back to being just friends. To not wanting to snog Steve at the most inopportune moments. To feeling relaxed around his friends.
He's almost relieved when everyone leaves for home. It's easier, being back in Austin. He can stream without people being able to see his face. He can pine and react freely to whatever things Steve does that make his heart skip a beat, and no one is going to find out.
And, oh the things Steve does. It’s not flirting, it’s never flirting, but he’s so sweet it almost makes Apollo’s teeth hurt just thinking about it. Steve goes out of his way to include him in every game they play, and tries to be on Apollo’s team every chance he gets. He laughs at all Apollo’s jokes, even the stupid ones, and is constantly giving him compliments. Everyone exchanged phone numbers in Vegas, and Steve and he have started exchanging messages. Well, Steve has been sending him pictures of dogs saying “Is this you?” or “I saw you on Venice beach. I didn’t know you were in LA.” or something of that ilk, and each time they end up chatting for a while. When Steve ends stream, he raids Apollo more often than not, and Apollo sees that he often sticks around to watch. Similarly, Apollo watches Steve’s stream more often, and maybe he’s hyperaware, but it seems like Steve talks about him quite a bit, and he smiles and his eyes are soft, and Apollo feels like he’s intruding on something private.
The first time that he consciously feels something about Steve that is not corny and sappy and sweet is when they're doing Pokémon card opening streams together and Steve keeps getting amazing cards, whilst Apollo gets nothing worth mentioning. he knows that it's childish, and he knows that neither of them can influence the contents of their card packs, but it just doesn't seem fair. Steve doesn't even care about the Pokémon that much. He doesn't even know the later generations, and he's so flippant about everything. He bites his cards, or bends them, or runs his greasy coffee cake fingers all over them whilst horribly mispronouncing the names of the Pokémon featured on them, and Apollo is just fucking jealous, ok?! Especially when Steve pulls a rainbow Lycanroc. It's only his favourite Pokémon, only his boy, and Steve doesn't even put it in a protective case, because he doesn't have any, and he just doesn't care. Apollo feels like rage quitting. He doesn't, because he is an adult, and can control his emotions, but he fucking damn well wants to.
The next day, Steve is tired and cranky, and he refuses to open more cards with Apollo. He says it's because he drank a bottle of coke yesterday, and Apollo hopes that's true, because part of him is afraid that it's his fault. That he was too obvious about the whole thing, and that Steve feels guilty or just uncomfortable to be around him. Whatever the reason, Apollo has to admit that he's glad to be opening this box alone, especially when it turns out to be another fucking dud. He doesn't know that he would have been able to do the cheerful happy for you spiel if Steve were here, undoubtedly hitting big again, and now he doesn't have to.
He follows the card opening up with a just chatting section, enjoying some low stakes interactions with his chat, and after that he even plays some piano. Everyone reacts very positively to his new, totally not inspired by Steve songs. He discusses them clinically, talking about chord progressions and key changes, when really he wants to talk about the part that was inspired by Steve throwing his head back when he laughs, or the part that reminds him of the two of them going out for dinner in Vegas.
After he ends stream, he cleans up all the empty card packs, and arranges and puts away today's haul, thinking about Steve the entire time. When he grabs his phone a while later, there’s a Discord notification. He clicks it, and oh, apparently Steve was thinking about Apollo as well. Apollo smiles as he reads the messages.
[“Ur nwe songs are so goooodddddd <3 <3 <3”]
[“How are you so talented bro???”]
[“I’m hungry”]
[“Gotta say im very insulted that you didnt play them to me first tho :’(”]
[“Did you know it’s illegal to give a dog whiskey in Chicago?”]
[“Seriously, so good!! Play for me some time? Please please, im pouting you have to do it, you cant resist me”]
[“I wish you lived closer to me.”]
[“Sorry, ignore me, im high and bored and sad”]
[“Vodka is ok tho, or wine. Anything but whiskey. Do you like whiskey?”]
Steve is apparently typing something else. Apollo waits for a new message, but the little dots next to Steve’s name disappear and reappear a few times without anything new showing up on the screen. Impulsively he taps the call button.
Steve doesn’t pick up immediately, but right as Apollo considers ending the call, Steve answers with a hoarse “Hi my boy.”
Apollo cuts straight to the point, “You ok?”
He hears Steve shrug. “‘m fine.”
“Bud, you literally messaged me saying you were, and I quote ‘bored and sad’.”
“Don’t forget high,” Steve says, before adding “Well, yeah I guess. But you’re not supposed to say that when someone asks how you are.”
Apollo snorts. “That’s stupid. You’re an idiot. I called specifically to ask you that, so of course I want to hear the answer.” He waits for a response from Steve, but none comes, so he continues “Can I help? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to do something? Or I can play for you, if you want?”
Steve hesitates for a second. “If you don’t mind playing something, that’d be nice.”
“Of course. It’s probably going to sound terrible via discord,” Apollo says, as he walks over to the piano. He puts the phone on the music desk, sits down, and plays a chord. “You hear that?” When Steve hums, Apollo adds “Any requests?”
“Nah,” Steve responds, “anything is good. Play something you like.”
So Apollo does. He plays his new songs, then he plays some of his old songs, and when he’s out of songs, he moves on to some Einaudi. A little basic maybe, but there’s a reason everyone loves Einaudi. All his songs are so soft, and pretty, and dreamy. Steve is getting more reactive with each song he plays. He starts applauding in between the songs, and giving Apollo compliments on his playing, and everything is going well and Apollo feels happy, and then, in the middle of a song, Steve blurts out “Dumbdog? Are you mad at me?”
Apollo stops playing. “No?” He says, confused. “What would I be mad about?”
“Because of the Pokémon cards?”
And shit, Apollo might not be as good at hiding his feelings as he thinks. "No, I'm not mad about that. I'm not mad at you, at the very least. I just have the worst luck in the world, apparently. That's not anyone's fault."
Steve doesn't seem to have absorbed much of that, because he continues apologising. "I'm sorry, man. I mean, the whole thing just doesn't seem fair. I wish everyone got the same number of good cards, then we could all be the same number of happy." He stops to giggle about his own poor grammar. "I want you to be happy. You didn't look happy. How can I make you happy again?"
That's a dangerous question, Apollo thinks, so he doesn't answer. However, not answering doesn't stop him from daydreaming about holding Steve's hand, or about inviting him to Austin, so Apollo can play for him in real life.
"What's your address?" Steve asks, and for an instant Apollo thinks Steve's reacting to his thoughts. Then Steve adds "I'll send you some of my cards. Which ones do you want? Do you want the rainbow Lycanroc? The Bicanroc? I didn't even know that one, but it's you as a Pokémon, you little furry. You like that one right? You'll like me when I send it to you?"
"Stop, Steve," Apollo says. "That's very sweet of you, but I have to decline."
"Why?" Steve asks quietly.
"Well, first of all, you don't have to. I already like you, and I'm not mad at you, and I don't particularly want your pity. Second of all, you are high out of your fucking mind, and this is not the right moment to make decisions. And finally, dude, don't just mail me that card, it'll definitely get damaged, or worse, lost."
Steve makes a high cooing sound, and asks "You like me?". He really is high out of his mind.
Apollo smiles. "Of course I do, you stupid idiot."
"I like you too," Steve says. "Did you know that there's a dog that yodels instead of barking?"
-
A few days later, Apollo pulls a second Umbreon alt art, which leaves him with mixed feelings. It’s finally a good card, but he’s already got it. He figures he should try and sell it, but changes his mind when Steve messages him again, saying that if Apollo comes to LA to hang out for a few days, he'll trade Apollo’s Umbreon for all his Lycanroc cards (which by now also include both a holo and a reverse midnight form). Apollo doesn't hesitate for a second. He books a flight to LA that evening.
-
LA is nice, Apollo thinks. It's a big city, but it just feels fun, and glamorous. It seems that there's always a lot going on. Steve takes him hiking, which is fun because the views are nice, and the company is even better, but it's also terrible because Apollo doesn't work out, and the farthest he walks is from his home to the public parcel collection point, and his feet and legs are killing him.
They go to the beach, too, and it's one of Apollo's favourite things they do. He insists on staying until well after sunset, which Steve grudgingly agrees to on the condition that he doesn’t have to go in the water. They spend their time walking through the surf, lying in the sand, and chatting about nothing and everything all at once.
Steve insist on dragging Apollo along to several nice restaurants, and he refuses to let Apollo pay for anything. He offers to sleep on the couch and let Apollo have the bed. He sits closer to Apollo than strictly necessary when they stay in and watch random shows on Netflix. And he asks Apollo to move to LA no less than four times.
A day before Apollo leaves, they decide to do shrooms together. Steve buys the things, and gets Cib to come over and be their sober companion. Apollo finds a very long Spotify playlist entitled Let's take a trip , and suddenly they're sitting on the couch, facing each other, chewing on a couple of mushrooms. Apollo doesn't particularly enjoy the flavour or the rubbery texture, but luckily there's a bowl of pretzels to cleanse his palate later.
Steve laughs when he sees Apollo make a face. "Does itty witty dumbdog not like the taste of the shroomsies?"
"Not particularly," Apollo answers, and he would stick out his tongue, but can’t with a full mouth.
After a good minute of chewing, Steve runs out of patience, swallows, and moves on to the pretzels. "Whatever, man. This is taking too long."
Eager to be rid of the taste of mushrooms, Apollo follows his example. For a while, nothing happens. They just sit on the couch, and listen to the music. Steve talks to Cib for a while, mostly about everyday life, and Apollo hangs back and simply listens, following the conversation with his eyes. At some point he gets distracted by the couch, looking at the pattern of threads crisscrossing that makes up the upholstery. He runs his fingers over it as if he were playing snake.
"What are you doing?" Steve asks.
"Snake," Apollo says, and he looks up at Steve. Steve nods, as if that makes total sense, and Apollo's eyes get drawn to Steve's hair, which bounces along with Steve's nods. He feels like he can almost see each individual strand of hair and how all those strands combine to make up Steve's unruly mop of curls. It's mesmerising to look at, and when Steve pushes a lock of hair out of his eyes, Apollo is overcome with a need to run his fingers through Steve's hair; to feel his fingers drown in the ocean that is Steve's perm. He scoots closer to Steve, and reaches out.
Steve's still talking to Cib, but he stops in the middle of a sentence when he notices Apollo. "Dumbdog?" he asks, turning his head away from Cib.
"My fingers can't swim," Apollo says, and he digs said fingers into Steve's hair.
"Sure, bud," Steve says, but he laughs, and he leans forward to allow Apollo easier access. He doesn't stop talking, and now the words roll from his mouth, and hit Apollo in the face, foaming around his ears. Apollo feels like he's drowning in Steve. He feels so heavy, sinking to the ocean floor, the water pressing down on him leaving him unable to move. He laughs, and the sound bubbles up towards the ceiling. He looks up and laughs again, trying to see the bubbles burst as they hit the surface, when suddenly something softly taps him just below the eye.
"An angel kissed you here," says Steve, and suddenly Apollo is back above water, Steve's soft words gently rolling around him.
I wish you would kiss me there, Apollo thinks. Or maybe he says it, he can't remember. Steve's sharp breath turns into a gust of wind, and he hears thunder rolling in the distance. The world goes blurry, when Steve removes Apollo's glasses, and then it snaps back into focus when Apollo feels Steve's lips on his cheekbone. They're soft, and warm, and they’re everything Apollo can think about, until he hears the thunder again, and the butterfly that is Steve's lips flies away. He exhales, and when he inhales his chest is filled with light, and warmth, and he has to grab Steve to prevent himself from floating away.
The butterfly lands on the tip of his nose, and he doesn't dare to breathe, not wanting to scare it away.
"You don't need me for this," Cib says in the distance, as he gets up and walks away, "I'll check on you lovebirds in a bit."
Apollo hears the words, but their meaning doesn't register in his brain. All his attention is fixed on Steve's lips, fluttering from his nose to his cheek, and then to the corner of his mouth.
Steve giggles, and it goes perfectly with the dreamy music in the background. He crawls into Apollo's lap, and giggles again, and Apollo feels like a ray of sunlight has wrapped itself around his heart. Steve looks radiant. He's blushing bright red, and his lips are the softest shade of pink. The blue of his shirt is so vibrant that Apollo can't resist touching it. He also can't resist putting his hands back in Steve's hair, and gently pulling him closer and closer, until finally, their lips touch.
Kissing Steve is almost a religious experience. He's lost in space, the world no longer exists, and all that remains is music and Steve. He doesn't know where he ends and where Steve begins. He doesn't even know if he's hallucinating all this, but it doesn't matter. They become the music, they become all that exists, they become love.
-
Apollo wakes up on cloud nine, stretching lazily on the couch, and fondly remembering the day before. He’s pretty sure that all that really happened. That Steve kissed him. That Steve might be into him as well. A possibility that he had entertained, but never truly believed could actually happen. And now, a whole host of doors opens up, and he can’t wait to take Steve’s hand, and find out what’s behind them together.
He smiles, and sits up, grabbing his glasses from the coffee table, before making his way to the kitchen for a glass of water. He rummages through Steve’s cupboards, and is about to go through the fridge as well, when he notices that the sliding doors to Steve’s office are slightly ajar. Steve is apparently in there, so Apollo fills up a second glass of water, and walks over. He knocks on the door, and says “Good morning.”
Steve jumps out of his seat, and Apollo is about to laugh, but then Steve turns around and greets him, and he looks absolutely terrible. He’s pale, he’s got massive bags under his eyes, and his hair is a mess. His eyes are bloodshot, and it looks like he hasn’t gotten any sleep last night. Immediately, Apollo’s euphoric mood dissipates, because, well, Steve doesn’t look like someone riding the high from finally kissing their crush, to say the least. His heart drops “Hey, man, are you ok?” he asks.
Steve doesn’t meet his eyes. “Dumbdog,” he says hoarsely. Apollo hands him the glass of water, and he takes a sip. “Thanks.” He drinks again, and takes a deep breath. “I eh... Fuck.” He closes his eyes, and pushes on. “I’m sorry. About yesterday. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s ok, Steve. You did nothing wrong.” Apollo puts a hand on the leg that Steve is frantically bouncing. When he feels Steve go completely still under his touch, the knots in his stomach tighten.
“Can we maybe pretend that none of that happened?” Steve asks, and his tone is pleading, and Apollo feels bad for him, but to be honest he feels worse for himself. To finally have everything he has been dreaming about for months, but then having it yanked out from under him after only a few hours is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.
Apollo apparently loves to torture himself, because the question falls from his lips before he can stop himself. “The kissing, you mean?”
Steve nods, and fuck that hurts.
“I’m sorry, bud.” Apollo forces the words out past the lump in his throat. “You’re right. Best to move past it.” He quickly wipes his eyes. “I might need some time, though.”
“Of course, take all the time you need,” Steve says. Their eyes meet for a second, but both of them look away. Apollo can’t help but feel that this is the end of something. All those doors of opportunity and hope are shut in his face and locked. He makes a half hearted excuse, and leaves Steve’s office, drags himself back to the couch, and hides under the blankets to softly cry. He’s glad his flight is today.
-
This time, things do get awkward between them. At first, Apollo thinks it’s only to be expected. It’ll probably just take some time for things to go back to normal. Then, when that doesn’t happen, he thinks that maybe Steve just needs some more time than him, needs some more time to put what happened behind him before he can go back to treating Apollo like he did before. But weeks of awkward turn into well over a month of only minimal superficial interactions, and he’s starting to lose hope.
When Thanksgiving rolls around, and with it, the dinner that Hafu and 5up have been planning, Apollo is almost of a mind to cancel. Not only because he doesn't want to awkwardly dance around Steve, but also because he doesn't want to make his friends feel uncomfortable when they have to witness him awkwardly dance around Steve. He doesn't cancel, though, a decision which he thinks deserves some praise. He can deal with it. There'll be enough other people for him to talk to; he doesn't have to share a hotel room with anyone; and he doesn't want to disappoint Hafu and the rest of the Vegas crew who've no doubt spent a lot of time organising their get together, and who made it clear that they want him there.
And he wants to be there, too. He's not going to let Steve, or the absence of Steve, stand in the way of his other friendships. He deserves to be there and have fun with his friends. And who knows, Apollo thinks, maybe Steve and he can talk things out face to face.
It goes well for the most part. He spends most of the afternoon in front of the TV watching football with Kimi, peeling and chopping up whatever vegetables Hafu or 5up throw their way. They have themselves a little sword fight with a couple of carrots, which 5up rolls his eyes at, but Hafu cheers on. When the peeling is over, and Hafu and 5up go back to stressing in the kitchen, Kimi gets Janet and DK and the four of them play a bunch of board games. Apollo is laughing, and he feels good, and he’s happy with his decision to come to Vegas.
He doesn’t see much of Steve until dinner is ready. Apparently Steve has spent the day helping David run errands, and holing up in the kitchen, probably helping with the dinner preparations. When they all sit down to eat, however, Apollo has to resign himself to seeing a whole lot of Steve, given that they’re seated directly across from each other. This makes it a lot harder, if not impossible, to pretend that Steve’s simply not there, instead of full on ignoring Apollo.
Hafu stands up, and gently taps a knife against her wine glass. “Hey everyone. Before we start eating, I just wanted to thank you all for coming. The past year has been a lot, but I’m so grateful and so happy that I met you all. All of you are amazing, and I love you.” She smiles, and looks around the table, stopping when her eyes meet David’s. “And David. I love you, and I’m so happy that we got married. Now I get to call you both my husband and my best friend.” She puts her hands against her cheeks, and concludes. “I’m so happy.”
Everyone awws, and Apollo can’t help himself. His eyes flit over to where Steve is sitting. Despite himself, and despite the way Steve has made it clear that he doesn’t feel the same way, he does still feel the same. He still feels a pull towards Steve, still feels his heart skip a beat whenever Steve smiles, still wishes that Steve would wrap him in his arms and hold him and never let go. He looks at Steve, who in turn is looking at Hafu with a soft expression, and he can’t help but wish that Steve looked at him like that. He sighs, and starts turning his head back towards Hafu, but right at that moment he notices Steve slightly turn his head and meet Apollo’s eyes. For a second, time seems to stop. Apollo is transfixed by the sadness and regret in Steve’s eyes. He wants to reach out, he wants to fall to his knees and beg Steve to go back to the way things were before, but then Hafu says “Happy thanksgiving everyone. Let’s eat.” making the room explode in a cacophony of conversation, and the moment is lost.
The food is great, and Apollo makes it a point to compliment Hafu extensively. She gives 5up most of the credit, but there’s still a pleased smile on her face. They chat for a while, and then Hafu plops down in Janet’s empty chair, and 5up moves to sit with Apollo. The alcohol is flowing freely, and indeed, 5up offers him an appletini along with a friendly conversation, which grows to include Kimi and David as well.
When everyone is full and the last crumbs of pumpkin pie have been gobbled up, the party games come out. Apollo joins a game of poker, which soon devolves into a game of King’s Cup that he loses. He groans, forcing himself to drink the contents of the cup. It’s disgusting: a mix of vodka, appletini, wine, and something creamy making him gag, which makes his arsehole friends laugh. He’s a man of his word though, and he finishes the entire thing, after which he gets up and walks to the kitchen for a large glass of water.
When he comes back, he sees Steve sitting alone on the couch. The alcohol gives him courage, so he plops down next to Steve and finally talks to him. “Hey, honey.”
Steve cringes, which makes Apollo a little angry, but he responds with a low “What’s up, Dumbdog.”
“Listen,” Apollo says, “I know I promised I wouldn’t talk about... you know... what happened, but can we talk about it anyway?”
“Do we have to?” Steve asks, and he scoots a little farther away.
“Kind of, yeah.” Apollo says. “You promised too, you know. You promised it would be like nothing had happened, but it’s not like that at all.” He must be talking too loud, because several people at the table look over to see what’s going on. Steve wraps his arms around himself, and stubbornly looks the other way, whilst Apollo continues, a lump in his throat. “Please, Steve. Please talk to me. I just want my friend back. I miss you. I miss you so much.” Gently, he puts a hand on Steve’s knee.
Steve fucking jolts, and pulls his leg away, and looks at Apollo with fear in his eyes, and Apollo can’t fucking take it anymore. “God damnit, Steve.” He’s full on shouting now. “I know I made everything awkward, but please do me the courtesy of trusting that I’m not going to fucking assault you. I don’t want anything from you.” His voice cracks, and he repeats “I just want my friend back.”
It’s deadly silent in the room. Everyone is looking at them now, pity in their eyes, and Apollo feels trapped. His eyes flit across the room, past DK and Janet, looking confused; past 5up in whose eyes there is a hint of understanding; past Hafu who looks close to tears; and past Steve, who is looking miserable, hiding his head in his hands.
There’s a soft touch on his arm as Kimi tries to get Apollo’s attention. “Come on, Apollo. Let’s go get some fresh air, ok?”
Apollo nods, and storms off. Kimi follows him, and hands him a coat. They walk in silence, taking random turns, not paying any attention to where they are. When Apollo’s anger has finally dissipated, he’s left with this empty feeling, and he doesn’t want to walk anymore, so he plops down on the bench of a random bus stop. Kimi sits down next to him. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.
He opens his mouth, but changes his mind and shakes his head.
“That’s fine,” Kimi says. “Let’s just sit here for a bit.” She puts her arm around Apollo’s shoulders, and it’s so gentle and sweet that he starts to cry.
“Oh, honey,” Kimi says, and she rubs his arm and lets him break apart and pull himself together again.
“I don’t know what to do,” Apollo admits. “I can’t lose him.”
“I don’t think you will,” Kimi says. “Judging by the way he was looking at you, I’d bet that he doesn’t want to lose you either.”
Apollo sniffles. “What do you mean? Didn’t you see him flinch away? I think he hates me.”
“Who could ever hate you?” says Kimi, as she strokes his hair. “You guys just need to talk. I’m sure you can figure it out.”
“Maybe. If he even wants to talk to me.”
“Oh, we’ll make him,” Kimi says menacingly, making Apollo smile hesitantly. “Now, do you think you’re ready to go back?”
He nods. “I don’t know which way to go, though.”
“No worries. We’re taking a cab.” Kimi grabs her phone in one hand, and Apollo’s hand in the other, and takes him back to Hafu’s place.
-
They’re in Hafu’s streaming room. Steve is sitting in her chair, swaying from left to right, and playing with the golden chain around his neck. Hafu rolls David’s chair in from another room and pushes it towards Apollo. “Are you sure you don’t want anyone else to stay?” she asks. When Steve shakes his head, and Apollo tells her no thanks, she smiles sadly. “Ok. Well you know where to find me if you change your mind.”
“Thanks, Hafu,” Apollo says, before closing the door behind her as she leaves. He sits down in David’s chair, across from Steve, and looks at him. He looks tired and sad, and scared. Apollo feels an echo of his earlier ire flare, but he tells himself to not draw conclusions, to first hear what Steve has to say.
He’s silent for a while, not knowing how to start the conversation. He hopes Steve will do it, but Steve’s not talking either, so he figures he might as well bite the bullet. He can hardly mess things up worse than they are now.
“So,” he begins, and Steve at least has the decency to look at him when he talks this time. “First of all, I’m sorry for yelling at you. And thank you for agreeing to talk to me.”
Steve nods, but doesn’t respond, so Apollo continues. “I meant what I said, though. Things have changed between us, and... I miss you, man. I just want to know if there is anything I can do to fix us. Is there anything I can do to fix us?”
“I don’t know,” Steve says quietly. “I don’t think I know how to be your friend anymore.”
“Because of the kissing?”
“Yeah. Well, not just the kissing, more like the whole...” Steve moves his hand between the two of them, “...this.”
“Ok, I can see that ‘the whole this’ is a little intimidating, but Steve, I promise I understand consent. It’s fine if you don’t feel the same, but we don’t have to stop being friends just because I have a stupid little crush on you. Just tell me what stuff you’re uncomfortable with, and I’ll stop doing that. It’ll blow over. Trust me. I’ve been in love with straight guys before. It’ll blow over.”
Steve is shaking his head, but he’s still not saying anything.
“Please, Steve, I need you to work with me here.” Apollo continues desperately. “We need to have an honest conversation if we want to fix this. I know it’s scary, but if we don’t talk, that’ll be it. And I don’t want that.”
“Neither do I,” Steve whispers. “It’s just hard. I haven’t talked about anything real for years, man. I don’t know how to do it.”
“You can start by telling me why you were shaking your head just now.” Apollo suggests.
Steve takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes. “Because you’re wrong.” He says, monotonously, “I’m not afraid of you, or revolted by you, or whatever negative emotion you think I feel towards you.”
“Ok,” Apollo coaxes, “So then why are you acting like this? Why are you ignoring me? Why are you flinching away when I touch you?”
“Because I’m scared.” Steve answers, and when he continues, there’s the slightest blush on his cheeks, “I’m scared to let myself love you back.”
Apollo gasps softly, which makes Steve’s blush deepen. All the anger and desperation melt off of him, and are replaced by a burning feeling of hope. “What exactly are you scared of?” He asks.
“Several things, really.” Steve says. “For instance, I’m scared to be in a relationship with someone again. I- uhm. Well I was engaged once, you know. And Alyssa said-. And I think it was my fault that it ended. I don’t know how to do relationships. I don’t even know if I want relationships in the way everyone else seems to want them.” He stands up from his chair and starts pacing the room. “What if you’re going to resent me for being bad at relationships too? What if I’m going to resent me for being bad at relationships? I don’t want to feel like that ever again.”
Steve takes a deep breath, and Apollo considers interrupting, but before he even has a chance to, Steve starts speaking again. “And what’s more: what if we do break up? We’ll ruin this group of friends, and they’re the best thing that’s happened to me in years. I don’t want to make things awkward. I don’t want to force anyone to choose sides. I can’t fuck this up, man. And then one more thing,” he walks around for a bit, then whines, and sits back down in his chair. “Don’t hate me for this one.” He shoots Apollo a pleading look. “I’m scared because you’re a guy. Like, this is new for me, man. I mean, I knew I was into people of any gender, I’ve just never said it out loud. I figured as long as I wasn’t dating a guy, it was no one’s business. And here you come with your stupid face making me fall in love with you, and suddenly I have to think about all these scary things like what my parents will think. And what my friends will think. And what the people in my chat will think. And even though I know most people are probably going to be fine with it, it’s still fucking terrifying, because what if they aren’t. What if someone I care about will want nothing more to do with me? That fucking terrifies me. I don’t know how you do it, man.” He looks at Apollo again. “And why the fuck are you smiling, you arsehole?”
“Sorry,” Apollo says, but he can’t stop smiling. “It’s just, you said you loved me back.”
“I did, didn’t I?” Steve blushes again, and Apollo thinks that he could get used to this. Steve smiles, but immediately puts his walls back up. “Well I do, but like I said, that doesn’t really change anything.” He groans. “Ugh, I wish I could just flip a switch and stop feeling like this, but every time you’re in the room, or the call, or wherever- every time you’re there I feel like I can’t breathe. Or think, unless it’s about wanting to kiss your stupid face again.”
“Well, you can if you want to,” Apollo says, and he rolls his chair over to where Steve is sitting, making their knees touch. “Listen, Steve. You’re wrong too. Not about this being scary, because it is scary, but about letting fear stop you from doing the things you want to do. Like me.” He winks, and Steve snorts. “Yeah, we could break up and fuck up this friendship. But so could 5up, if he becomes a full time Minecraft streamer. Or what if Hafu and David become parents? Who is to say that the group won’t fall apart without her as a connecting factor? And what if we break up, but we stay friends? Or if- hear me out- we don’t break up at all? This decision doesn’t come down to either date and ruin the friend group, or don’t date and don’t ruin the friend group. We don’t know the future, and life is short, so be brave, and do what makes you happy.”
“What if I don’t know what makes me happy?” Steve says.
Apollo holds out his hand, and Steve takes it. They make eye contact, and Apollo continues. “We can figure it out together. I don’t know what Alyssa told you, and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I know she was wrong.” At this, Steve looks down, and back up again. His eyes are big, and Apollo can tell he’s trying not to cry. He squeezes Steve’s hand. “There are so many different ways to be in a relationship, and none of them are wrong. As long as you treat each other with respect, and communicate clearly, you’re not doing it wrong. Yes, sometimes things don’t work out, or people don’t work well together, but that is no one’s fault. And you won’t know if you work well together until you try.”
“So what’s ha-” Steve’s voice cracks. “So what’s happening here, is that you’re begging for me to date you?” He’s clearly trying to avoid talking about whatever it is that happened between his ex and him, and Apollo lets him for now. There’s definitely some unhealed hurt there, but it can wait. One open and honest conversation at a time.
“All I hear, though,” Steve continues, his voice growing stronger, “is you telling me to be brave. Be brave, Steve, and take a chance. But what’s in it for me?”
“Are you sure you want to negotiate with me? Because I will win.”
“You’re hot when you’re cocky,” Steve blurts out. He immediately claps his hands over his mouth, and the tips of his ears go red.
Apollo laughs. “Good to know. Ok, here’s my offer. I will play the piano for you, I will hold your hand in public, and I will fly to LA once a month to see you.”
“Hmm,” Steve says. “Ok, ok, ok. How about you throw in some wins for me in Tricky Towers? And maybe a little kiss?” He blushes again, and it’s adorable.
“Steve!” Apollo clutches his chest, pretending to be scandalised. “That’s so forward of you. At least buy me a drink first.”
Steve smirks. “I already did. Remember the minibar in Vegas?”
Honestly, Apollo had forgotten about the minibar, because the clearest memory from when they met in Vegas is an unfortunately very embarrassing one involving his dick, but now that Steve mentions it, he's suddenly reminded of the can of coke that Steve bought him exploding all over the bed, and more importantly, Steve offering to let Apollo share his bed. The urge to negotiate and make that happen is big, but ultimately he decides against it. He wants to take things slow and let Steve set the pace, so he says "Ok, deal."
Steve looks surprised. "I thought you said I would regret negotiating with you, because you'd win?"
"I just did," Apollo says, and he presses his lips against Steve's.
-
It's a Monday evening in February, and Steve and Apollo are on the couch together. There's a film playing, but neither of them is really paying attention. They're just sitting together in silence. Steve's head is on Apollo's shoulder, and he's playing with a fraying seam on Apollo's jeans. Apollo's arm is wrapped around Steve's waist, and it's comfy and warm, and if for some reason he weren't allowed to move ever again, he'd actually be fine with that.
It's a regular Monday. Well, it's valentine's day, but Steve doesn't like sappy romantic bullshit like anniversaries and valentine's day, so it's a regular day for them. They celebrated their joint birthday in Austin on the weekend, inviting all their friends somewhere different than Vegas for once. The party was wonderful, and Apollo liked showing everyone around town, and now that everyone has left, Steve and he are simply doing nothing and recharging their social batteries.
One of the cats jumps onto the couch, and lies down in Apollo's lap. He scratches it behind its little ears and babbles at it.
"Hello baby," Steve says to the cat, moving his hand to pet the cat before asking Apollo, "Do your cats like dogs?"
"Well, they like me," Apollo says. "Why?"
"Just wondering if they would get along with Littlefoot"
Apollo laughs. "I think they're both bigger than Littlefoot. I don't think he could take them on."
"True. Littlefoot is barely even a dog. Maybe your cats will take pity on him."
"I'll have you know that my cats are very sweet," Apollo says. Of course the cat takes that as a cue to sink its nails into Apollo's leg and jump down to the floor again.
"Truly an angel amongst cats," Steve snorts.
They fall silent again, half paying attention to the film, and half snuggling up. Apollo is in the process of falling asleep when Steve suddenly says "Would you want to move in together?"
Apollo's first instinct is to immediately say yes, but he's learnt over the past months to make sure that Steve actually wants to do the things he proposes.
"That's a nice thought," he says, "What made you want to ask that?"
"I don't want to go home," Steve responds.
"You're so fucking impulsive," Apollo laughs, and tightens his arm around Steve.
"Shut up. I've been considering this for forever. For at least two weeks." Steve responds, making Apollo laugh harder.
"So what are your considerations?"
Steve shrugs. "Mostly I just want to be closer to you. I miss you when you're not there. Life's more fun when you're around, and I feel safe having you to come home to. Also I know you've been looking to move somewhere new, and I figured why not use the opportunity to move in together."
"I love you too, you sap," Apollo says, and he turns to kiss Steve on the top of the head. "I'd love to move in together, but you do know that I'm looking to buy, right? That's a big commitment. You need to be sure that that is what you want."
"I'm sure," Steve says. "Easiest decision of my life." He hesitates, and adds, "Are you sure? You don't have to do it if you don't want to "
"Never been more sure," Apollo says, and he means it. Steve smiles, and entangles his fingers with Apollo's.
The film ends, and another one starts playing automatically, but no one is watching. Steve has fallen asleep in Apollo's lap, and Apollo is considering the host of possibilities that have just opened up. He feels like the luckiest person alive. Who would have guessed that this much joy was waiting for him? That Steve was waiting for him. Not Apollo himself, that's for sure. He chuckles softly, as he remembers thinking Steve would be the last person he would ever get a crush on. Now look where they are. Ah well, he thinks as he removes Steve’s glasses and places them on the arm rest of the couch, they call me Dumbdog for a reason.
He falls asleep with Steve wrapped around him, and the last conscious thought in his mind is the following:
What a glorious way to be wrong.