Work Text:
It’s not a fling. Or a phase. Definitely not experimenting . You’re very sure of what you’re doing. But what is it exactly? Love, probably. Wrong kind of. With the wrong person. At the wrong time. But still love. The kind that is slowly burning you from inside, but you like the pain. Not just like. You’re addicted to the way she makes you feel. You feel like you’ll need her hands on you, everywhere, always, all the time. But then again, it’s not really about the physicality. No, saying that would be lying, that too. But even more importantly it feels like some fairytale shit you never believed in.
You’ve never really talked about it with her though. Not a word about what’s going on between her and you. Sometimes you just suddenly lock eyes and boom, you do it , excuse my French. To be honest, that really doesn’t sound like fairytale shit. But somehow it manages to feel like that.
“Kiss me.” “Stay.” “Please.” That’s all you . You hear your own words in your head and think about her. How she never says anything. She kisses you. She stays over. She stays and cuddles you from behind and you feel safe . She smiles at you. No, more like smirks. Like it’s all a game. It’s not, not for you anyways. Stupid fairytale girl inside you believes it’s not a game for her either. She’s just scared. You’re scared, too.
You’re hanging out with her friends in public and she’s teasing you. She brushes your hand and looks at you, a little too long. Is she winking, or did you just make that up?
“Really, we’re just good friends.” That’s what she said. She probably thought that was funny to her friends. Oh, haha, what a hilarious joke if we were on a date . And what did she think you would feel? What was it supposed to mean for you ? Fun irony, ‘cause, hey, actually you two are fooling around ! Or was it a warning to not take anything too seriously?
This was never your plan. Falling in love. What the fuck, you didn’t even believe in it! Not even on a general level, and definitely not for you. Especially falling in love with someone like her. It doesn’t feel wrong because she’s a girl, no. It doesn’t feel wrong at all. It feels more like… incorrect? You should be able to, but you just can’t be with her in terms of having a normal person relationship.
Shouldn’t it make sense? The Chosen Two. Sounds like the power couple of the century- or even the whole fucking millenial, huh? Nothing is easy and that makes you mad. Shouldn’t it be? At least a tiny bit easier. You thought love was supposed to be a source of power, not this hard and painful. Love shouldn’t be a secret. You should be able to tell everyone, but even if she was cool with that, you couldn’t bring yourself to let anyone know.
No one has a clue. At least you don’t think they have. She for sure hasn’t told anyone. Isn’t feeling like this usually visible? Don’t they see all the looks? The feeling in them. Or would they even care? You know you wouldn’t give a shit about who’s banging who, but her friends are nothing like you. Still you have to admit you kind of like them. They’re so different from the people you’re used to being around.
Which takes your mind back to her. She is so different from anyone you’ve ever met. But it kind of feels like you’ve always known her. Or like you were always destined to meet her. Destiny is something that should be easy, too.
Being with her feels like the default. And when you’re not with her the world feels worse, breathing harder, everything meaningless. All you can think of is her. That’s probably not healthy and you’re aware. You just… don’t care. It’s not like you ever really cared about anything. Or anyone. Until you met her.
Once you say it. “Stop. I love you”, you whisper. It’s too dark and you can’t see her face. But you can hear her and she’s crying. “Hey, what’s wrong?” She doesn’t say anything in a long while. She never does, but now you are asking a direct question and kind of feel wronged, though most of your brain capacity is busy being worried about her.
“I can’t, Faith, I just can’t . I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
She leaves. She just leaves, and you blame yourself for being so stupid and thinking you could actually call her your girlfriend some day. She doesn’t want to be anything real or
official
to you anymore, if she even ever wanted.