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All in all, Ruby thinks, considering the circumstances, she’s held herself together pretty well since the break-up. Sure, she’s allowed herself a few gracious crying sessions, mostly alone, occasionally with Anwar and Olivia in tow, but still, only in private. And yes, maybe her words get a little jumbled in her throat whenever she hears Otis’s voice, or sees his dumb homeless-person coat, or smells his shitty Tesco own brand aftershave, but as long as she stays relatively far away from him, she’s fine. And if Olivia and Anwar notice her taking the long route to assembly, they don’t mention it.
She’s even refrained from committing any sort of drastic revenge act like she usually would, like telling everyone in school Otis has crabs, or a micropenis, or a medieval torture fetish.
Plus, she’s only publicly shamed Maeve Wiley like, three times, which is quite good by her standards.
So yeah, she’s doing fine. She can strut around school with her usual offish demeanour, lapdogs in tow, avoid Otis at all costs, and save the crying and general heartbreak until she’s finished with her biology homework.
That is, until he corners her in the common room one day during 4th period.
She hates that she stops immediately when he calls her name. She hates that a little hope jumps in her stomach.
She wants to ignore him, but it’s too late, and then he’s right in front of her, with that ugly coat and cheap aftershave, and there's a soft, slightly nervous, tone to his voice that makes her want to cry and kiss him at the same time.
“I, uh, I wanted to give you this back.” Ruby realises with a jolt that he’s holding out a plastic bag, and she takes it tentatively. “You left one of your jackets at mine.”
She remembers. She’d left it behind once when he rode her home. She’d needed to get back to her dad, so they didn’t have time to go back for it, but she’d been cold. He’d lent her his dumb fucking coat.
“There’s some chocolate digestives in there too. Um, for your dad. He said he liked them so-”
Of fucking course he would remember that.
There’s something pricking at the corners of her eyes, and then suddenly this is all way too much. She can barely utter a sharp thanks before she’s spun on her heel and walked out of the room.
The hallway is blurring at the edges as she stalks down it, barely keeping her composure, and she thinks someone might be calling after her, Olivia maybe? She doesn’t stop to find out. And then her chest is heaving a little faster than it should be, and all at once she realises her face is wet and-
And oh god, is she crying?
She’s moving on autopilot, because, what the fuck is happening to her, and then she’s speeding up, until she’s well clear of the school’s back entrance, plastic bag clenched in her fist like some horrible lifeline. She lets out an audible sob, and then the floodgates fully open and she can’t breathe and oh god-
She needs to calm down, just to focus, but she can’t, not really.
She hates that all she can think about is what Otis would do in this situation. Him and his stupid therapy. Twat. She almost collapses herself onto the grassy roadside verge behind the school (where she used to hook up with Louis Danforth in Year 11, she notes.) and buries her head in her hands. She forces herself to calm down enough to get her thoughts straight, trying desperately just to swallow up all the unwanted emotion. The tears are still falling, but slower now. She can breathe a little better.
Why the fuck is she crying over a jacket and some biscuits?
(Ruby knows, of course, that it’s not just about the jacket or the biscuits, or even about Otis really, and that some sort of breakdown has been a long time coming, but she chooses to ignore that).
Her thoughts seem to be racing even faster than her heartbeat, so much so that she doesn’t recognise the sound of approaching footsteps until it's far too late.
Ruby doesn’t dare lift her head. There’s very few people she’d be comfortable with seeing her like this. Just as long as it's not Otis.
“Oh, uh, shit”
Ruby recognises the voice immediately.
“Fuck off, Adam.”
At least that’s what she tries to say, because the words get caught up in another sob, all potency lost.
She kind of wishes it had been Otis now - because Adam Groff seeing her cry is arguably worse.
She wants to snap at him, to threaten him with castration if he stays here a second longer, but she still can’t quite catch her breath. She tries to glare, but the tears clouding her vision kind of ruin the image. So she puts her head down and hopes he gets the hint.
He doesn’t.
Instead, he does the absolute worst thing Ruby can imagine, and plops down next to her.
At least the absolute mortification of it all forces her to catch her breath.
“Why are you here Adam?” It was meant to be harsh, but her voice came out weaker than she would have liked.
“Why are you here?” He retorts.
She’s not about to answer that, so they go silent. Adam still doesn’t leave. It's weird, but Ruby thinks maybe she can breathe a little easier.
“Did you see Tristan Thompson got caught cheating on Khloe Kardashian again?”
It’s so ridiculous, given the situation, and especially given that it's just come out of Adam Groff’s mouth, that Ruby can’t help but laugh. She wants to respond with some more Kardashian-related gossip, but she still can’t quite make her voice work.
Adam takes that as a cue. When he speaks again, it's slow and almost shy, a weird juxtaposition to the Adam she knows.
“I’m here, so I don’t have to look at Eric in chemistry.” Adam is staring straight ahead, rolling a stone around in his hand. “He kissed another guy.”
Oh, thinks Ruby. For some reason, Adam keeps talking, “It feels like shit. And so I don’t want to look at him. So I’m here.”
She’s not sure why, but she wants to talk to Adam. Maybe Eric did change him. Maybe Otis changed her. Or maybe she’s just a sad teenager.
“I’m not over Otis. And he gave me back my jacket.”
Adam’s reply is slow and hesitant.
“That’s...also shitty”
“Yep.”
Adam flicks the pebble he had been toying with into the road, and the two of them fall into an odd kind of silence. Ruby gives herself a momentary reprise from her image - Adam’s already seen the worst really - and lets herself take a little comfort in his presence.
He’s big and a little cumbersome, and for a second she’s reminded of a huge stuffed bear, or maybe one of those big mountain dogs. Adam is plucking the grass at his feet periodically, and Ruby lets her breathing slow as she observes. A little more clarity comes, and she wipes the remaining tears from her cheeks.
“We’re pathetic.” She says.
“Yeah. We are.”
The old Ruby would have scorned Adam’s limited vocabulary. This Ruby, however, is drained and worn out, and just really quite sad. She appreciates his simplicity.
“What do we do now?”
A pause.
“Wanna go smash some shit?”
And so Ruby finds herself at Adam’s side, strutting down a tiny muddy track to god knows where. She's still a little wobbly in her heels, but she’ll pretend it's because of the rough terrain, and definitely not because she still feels a little out of it. Her heartbeat hasn’t quite calmed down, and there’s one or two tears still misting the corners of her vision.
Realistically she knows she’s not fooling either of them, but Adam seems to understand not to comment. And if Ruby thinks that maybe he’s walking a little closer behind her than he usually would, almost like he’s protecting her- well, she won’t bring it up.
Drifting off in thought again she realises that she hasn’t felt that sort of quiet, unspoken kindness since, well, Otis, and, oh god-
“Here.” The spiral is interrupted by Adam unceremoniously thrusting a rusted hammer into her hands. She nearly drops it as he does so.
“Ugh, Adam, wha-”
“Go on” He gestures blankly at their surroundings, and she realises they’re standing at the edge of the junkyard. “Hit something.”
“Is this some weird violent sex fantasy? Hot girls doing property damage?”
The remark rolls off her tongue like second nature, and she curses herself for jumping on the defensive again. She’d been working on stopping that, with Otis. She’d thought she was getting better, though she’d relapsed into the bitchy nature far too quickly after the break-up for her liking. Maybe she was just destined to be a bitch.
Adam turns to go. “Fine. See you around.”
It’s borderline embarrassing how quickly she shouts after him, “Wait! No, sorry! I- Fuck”
She can’t meet his eyes, and she wants to give a proper apology, but it gets stuck in her throat for a second too long, and so instead she spins on her heel and swings.
It’s half-hearted, at best. The wooden crate bends slightly, but doesn’t break. It’s not very satisfying.
A glance over her shoulder tells her Adam has returned, a hammer of his own in tow. He gives her a straight-faced nod of encouragement, and she swings again.
This is slightly more satisfying. The crate splinters, and the pile of old ceramics atop it falls to the floor. She hits those too.
Releasing a little pent up, well, something, feels good, she supposes, but there’s no overwhelming relief like she might have expected. She fixes her shirt.
Ruby levels her gaze and narrows her eyes at Adam, feeling a little of her old self return at the familiar gesture. Just to chase the feeling, she flicks her hair over her shoulder, with a practiced ease. “Your turn.”
Adam lifts the hammer and then lowers it just as quickly. “Nah. Not feeling it,” Ruby knows what he means, “This was a stupid idea.”
For once, Ruby thinks, Adam is right. And not just that, she realises with a jolt, Adam gets her. She’s not angry, not even at all. And lord knows she wants to be, because wouldn’t that be so much easier?
But here she is, hammer in hand, with Adam Groff, of all people, and all she feels is a sick sort of emptiness.
One look at Adam tells her he feels the same. They aren’t angry, they’re just dumb heartbroken teenagers.
Dropping the hammers, they resume their seated position from earlier, arms touching this time. Still, they both stare straight ahead.
Ruby opens her mouth, but Adam beats her to it, albeit with haltingly-spoken words.
“I didn’t deserve him. I, uh, I loved him, but I didn’t deserve him. I was a dick to him for years. And he’s all like, loud and proud. I couldn't even tell my own mum we were dating.”
Ruby ignores the slight waver in his voice, “Are you not mad that h-”
“Well, yeah, like, yeah I’m angry. Like so fucking angry. But I just feel like, maybe, - maybe if I was a bit more, or a bit better, he wouldn’t have done it. So, I-I don’t know.”
Ruby can hear what he’s getting at.
“It’s not - it’s not your fault.” She feels hypocritical: she can hear her own insecurities echoing back to her in between Adam’s words. “He still cheated. You’re allowed to be pissed off.”
“I am. He’s a dick. But mostly I’m just kinda, uh, sad.”
“Yeah.”
He pauses then, and Ruby can practically hear Adam’s thoughts whirring with unasked questions. She knows what he wants to say, can hear it on the tip of his tongue.
“Oh for fuck's sake, Adam, just spit it out.”
“Were you in love with New Kid?” There it is.
She wants to get defensive, wants to jump down Adam’s throat. But he’s opened up to her, weirdly, and also maybe, she’s enjoying his company right now.
“Yeah.” The confession weighs less this time around. “That’s why we broke up. He didn’t love me back.”
“Awkward. “
“Yep.” She fiddles with the button on her jacket sleeve. Adam kicks over a vase.
“My dad might be dying.” She doesn’t know why she says it.
She can see Adam scrambling for a response out of the corner of her eye, and she waves her right hand to dismiss him. Her left hand swipes at her eyes. Subtly, she hopes.
“It’s fine.” Pause. “Well, it’s not, like at all. He has MS. But it’s like, getting bad. Some days, I kind of feel like it could kill me too. I don’t know what I would do if something happened. Otis was the first person I ever told. And I think that's why it hurts so much. But like, it’s not even about him.” She winces, because that’s very clearly a lie.
“Well, it is, because I loved him, and I miss him, and he barely gave it 24 hours before he was getting with fucking Cock Biter and-”
She’s getting sidetracked.
“My point is, I think, it only really hurts, because, he was kind of, the first time I felt like I could - Fuck. I don't know. And it’s not that he didn’t say it back, which I mean, it hurts, but I get it. It’s just that he, like, ugh, didn't care. Like fine, he didn’t love me, okay sure, but like did he give a shit even at all? And, he was the one who kept wanting more. So I trusted him. And I gave him more. More than I’ve ever given anyone. Like I let him into my house.”
It's an indignant tone, a barely-there confession, slightly obscured by the wavering in her voice and the tears in her eyes, she knows, and she’s ranting now, and it doesn't really make any sense, but she hopes Adam understands what she means, that he can read the subtext she’s laying down for him - Otis was the first person I let myself be vulnerable around, and he acted like it meant nothing to him, and now I don’t know if I can ever break down those walls again.
“He’s a dick.”
Ruby laughs, because, yeah he is.
“But I’m a bitch.”
“Yep. And I’m an unhygienic thug who puts my peers at risk.”
Adam smirks at her, and Ruby laughs properly. And then, “Sorry she did that to you. By the way.”
He shrugs “Not your fault. Besides, I heard you beat her up anyway. Pretty cool”
It’s odd, Ruby thinks, the way Adam fucking Groff can calm her down. Maybe Eric and Otis, despite being gigantic cock-sucking dicks, did manage to sort them both out a little. She voices as much to Adam. He nods.
“Weird innit. We’re like, nice now.”
“Gross.”
“Right.”
They're both smiling though. Ruby can’t ignore the fact that she feels a little lighter than she has in a while.
“Sorry about your dad.” says Adam.
She shrugs. “Tell anyone else and I’ll castrate you.”
Adam accepts this, and continues, “Wanna go home?”
“Not yet.”
“Neither.” Ruby can sense there's more he wants to say.
“Well, what do you want to do then?”, she prompts. It’s only then that Adam turns to her, smiling hesitantly. It’s a very different look on him. For once, she doesn't care that her mascara is definitely not waterproof.
He shrugs.
“Do you like dogs?”