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Sixteen years.
My God, has it been that long? It was Annie's brithday last month, but I guess you'd know that. Your mother came up for the day from LA. It was nice of her to come. I know she was never happy about us, but she's always been good to me. Makes me ashamed that I worried she might blame me.
I remember her at your funeral, holding Annie. She was only tiny then, of course. Slept all the way through it. The sun shone so bright that day. I remember how I screamed at the world, "How dare you be so happy? Don't you realise what you've lost?"
Practically everyone you knew turned up. Everyone you went to High School with. At least that's what Xander told me. To me they all looked the same. Pale faced, black clad mourners.
Lot's of people talking about how it was such a waste; that you were so young. Gone too soon, they said. You *were* gone too soon, but not too young. Twenty-three. For a Slayer that's quite old.
'Poor Annie', they said. Now she'll never know her mother. No word from any of them about 'Poor Giles,' losing his fiance.
That's selfish of me, isn't it? I'm sorry.
I remember how I was standing alone while everyone else was looking at the cards.
Have I told you this before?
Occasionally little sound bites would penetrate my ears. "Oh, how sweet of Jonathon" and "That's a nice message from Devon." Then I felt a hand in mine. It was Willow. She didn't say anything, just held me as I cried. I'll never forget that.
I'm sure I've told you this before.
Did I tell you that Willow gave birth? A boy this time. They've called him Daniel. She sent me a photo. Oh, Buffy, you should see him, he's so beautiful. Tiny features, so perfect, like a little angel.
Angel.
He didn't come to your funeral, you know. He couldn't, beacause of the sun. I felt sorry for him, I suppose, not getting to say goodbye to you.
It was a beautiful night last night. Full moon. That must have been fun for Willow - a werewolf and a newborn baby in the same house! It reminded me of the night you first told me you loved me. It was nearly dying that made me realise. I knew that I had to tell you, even if you refused me and hated me, you *had* to know how I felt. When you didn't speak to me for ages after that I thought I'd lost you. But then you came to me that night and told me that you'd realised I was right, that there was no point in denying it. We needed each other. We could make each other truly happy.
Have I told you this before?
But it was such a beautiful night. Do you remember? All those stars shining down on us, twinkling with their blessing on our love. Sometimes I look out at them now and I can see past time and space to you. Where are you now? I talk to you all the time but you never answer me.
Did I tell you about the holiday Annie and I went on to Spain. We rented this lovely Villa by the beach. Lots of rocks and cliffs and caves. Just like the one you...
Well, you know, the one you died in. I still dream about that, you know. How I held you in my arms. You begged me not to leave. You knew it was too late. They'd beaten you.
You bled all over my shirt. It was all sticky and smelly, but I didn't want to get rid of it, beacause that was you. Your blood. Your life.
I often wonder what would have happened if I had left you. Maybe you could have been saved. But then again, maybe you would have died alone in that cave, and then I would have never forgiven myself.
Have I told you this before?
Oh, God, why did you have to leave me? I wish time could turn back for just one night. I'm so tired. Tired of all the sorrow and the crying, all the tears shed in vain. Can't they go away just once? If only you could come back for just one night and take me in your arms like you used to. In all the years since you've been gone, no love like your's has ever come close to my heart. It's been so long since I last heard your voice. If only I could wake up one morning and hear it, then I'd know that the past sixteen years have been only a horrible nightmare.
I'm sorry. You know I don't mean to talk like this. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault.
What was I talking about? Oh, yes, the holiday in Spain. Annie loved it there. She spent most of her time on the beach. She loves the beach. She's just gone there actually, one of her friends is having a party. Honestly, you should have seen her skirt. It was shorter than the ones you used to wear!
I didn't want to say anything to her for fear she would call me stuffy and old. So I just said to her,
"Are you sure you're going to be warm enough in that?"
She reached over and kissed me on the cheek.
"Oh, Dad," she said, in that way of hers. Then she laughed affectionately and looked at me with your eyes.
You had beautiful eyes. You were beautiful.
I loved you.
I know I've told you this before, but I might as well say it again.
END